Who's right?

[newlywed2010]

I am starting to see a pattern in my new marriage. My new husband thinks he should only do things with me if it is something he's interested in.

 

Just examples: My son from my first marriage plays baseball and my new husband won't go to the games because it bores him. If I suggest a movie, he doesn't want to go because he would find it boring. If I ask him to go with my kids and I to visit my sister, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't enjoy talking to my brother-in-law and would be bored. He doesn't think I should ask him to do anything that he wouldn't enjoy.

 

I'm getting very stressed. It's not that I think he should do everything with me all the time or do things he doesn't like all the time...but shouldn't he compromise with me sometimes?

 

I feel hurt that he won't attend at least some of my son's games. As for the movies, I've attended plenty with him that weren't my favorites without complaining. Anytime he suggests we invite his family over, or visit his family I do so without hesitation, even if there is something I might rather be doing.

 

I went into this relationship expecting it to be give and take and so far I've been much more generous with the giving. He was much more flexible about these things before we were married. He was so eager to please me and I have always been eager to please him.

 

We share a lot of the same interests and do a lot together...but it's always things that he likes to do. If it's something I want to do that he wouldn't enjoy, forget it! I'm not like that with him...I'm willing to sacrifice a little of my time to do something with him that he loves, even if it's not my favorite thing.

 

I hate being put in this position to always have to find someone else to go see that movie I can't wait to see...or go alone. And I wouldn't expect him to do it all the time, but shouldn't he be willing some of the time?

[whichwayisup]

He should go to the baseball games. Not all, but afew..To make your son happy because that's what it's all about. Your son.

 

If it is a family get together, a meal planned etc, then yes, he should go with you to your sister's. But, if it's Saturday or Sunday during the day, unplanned or last minute "let's get together" kind of deal for afew hours to hang out, bring the kids, then he shouldn't have to go every time, especially if it's just you hanging out with your sister and the kids playing together. I do get your frustration, and he is being selfish, putting his needs/desires before you and the kids.

 

The movie thing, let that go.. That's normal.

 

Talk to him, gently. If you accuse him or get angry at him about this, he's just going to shutdown and nothing will get solved. Though this isn't going to be solved overnight, he needs to put more effort in and also, you two need to spend some alone time together too. Don't make it all about your kids, your family, his family. Why not drop the kids off at your sis's house for a night so you and your H can spend a romantic evening together. It could help him (hitting two birds with one stone if you know what I mean..) Give a little, take a little..

[atlnay]

How long did you date before you married him? was he doing any of the things willingly & never told you they were boring till you got the ring on your finger? I am trying to understand if this is brand new behavior to you.

[newlywed2010]

He should go to the baseball games. Not all, but afew..To make your son happy because that's what it's all about. Your son.

 

If it is a family get together, a meal planned etc, then yes, he should go with you to your sister's. But, if it's Saturday or Sunday during the day, unplanned or last minute "let's get together" kind of deal for afew hours to hang out, bring the kids, then he shouldn't have to go every time, especially if it's just you hanging out with your sister and the kids playing together. I do get your frustration, and he is being selfish, putting his needs/desires before you and the kids.

 

The movie thing, let that go.. That's normal.

 

Talk to him, gently. If you accuse him or get angry at him about this, he's just going to shutdown and nothing will get solved. Though this isn't going to be solved overnight, he needs to put more effort in and also, you two need to spend some alone time together too. Don't make it all about your kids, your family, his family. Why not drop the kids off at your sis's house for a night so you and your H can spend a romantic evening together. It could help him (hitting two birds with one stone if you know what I mean..) Give a little, take a little..

 

All good advice. Thanks!

[newlywed2010]

How long did you date before you married him? was he doing any of the things willingly & never told you they were boring till you got the ring on your finger? I am trying to understand if this is brand new behavior to you.

 

We were together for 9 months before we got married. We've been married for 7 months. He didn't complain about anything I wanted to do until the past couple of months.

 

I am otherwise very happy with him.

[JL Hancock]

not enough time to know him well and you only meeting who you marry now that its all done.

 

not his child? maybe then its not for making him proud that you child is play to him? not his family? so a brother marry into you family is not a brother to him?

[PegNosePete]

Call this a long shot if you like but maybe, just maybe, you could talk to your husband about this? Tell him how it makes you feel?

[atlnay]

Ok, so OP up till you were married he attended the functions with your boy and he went to movies you wanted to see? 9 months is a loooong time to "pretend". Anyhoozle, look, I get you want him to see a movie you want to see but if you are otherwise happy with him, dont make a mountain out of a molehill over that. As for your sons games, maybe one every other week or even once a month as a family isnt unreasonable. I dunno OP, something is a bit off in general. Are you enjoying going to his functions yourself? If not, and you guys share so many other interests, maybe you need to sit down and talk through the individual functions and negotiate something fair. Again, I find it odd he was at your movies & sons games & visiting your sis with no qualms and since married he's done. Good luck though :/

[allina]

Ok, so OP up till you were married he attended the functions with your boy and he went to movies you wanted to see? 9 months is a loooong time to "pretend".

 

Not really. At 9 months you're still pretty newly dating and trying to impress each other.

 

It sounds like this couple rushed in to this marriage, especially since there is a child involved.

 

OP, did you and your husband discuss his role as a step father to your son? Does he show any interest in you or your child? Does he have a relationship with your son? Does he do anything to make you feel loved and special?

[newlywed2010]

OP, did you and your husband discuss his role as a step father to your son? Does he show any interest in you or your child? Does he have a relationship with your son? Does he do anything to make you feel loved and special?

 

I actually have 2 son's from the first marriage and husband is very active in their lives. Not much discussion needed, from when we started dating he has always included the kids in a lot of our activities. He does show interest in me and the kids. He does make me feel loved and special. He's all for spending time with us as long as it's something he wants to do. He just doesn't want to be bothered to do anything he doesn't find interesting. I know everyone is like this to a degree. However, my philosophy is that sometimes we sacrifice a little of our time to do something we don't like to make others happy. I'm not asking for him to do things he doesn't like all the time, just sometimes.

[newlywed2010]

Ok, so OP up till you were married he attended the functions with your boy and he went to movies you wanted to see? 9 months is a loooong time to "pretend". Anyhoozle, look, I get you want him to see a movie you want to see but if you are otherwise happy with him, dont make a mountain out of a molehill over that. As for your sons games, maybe one every other week or even once a month as a family isnt unreasonable. I dunno OP, something is a bit off in general. Are you enjoying going to his functions yourself? If not, and you guys share so many other interests, maybe you need to sit down and talk through the individual functions and negotiate something fair. Again, I find it odd he was at your movies & sons games & visiting your sis with no qualms and since married he's done. Good luck though :/

 

My husband did go to my son's games when we were dating...not all of them...but some as his schedule allowed. He told me he had never been a sports fan but did not make a big deal of going to a few of the games last year. This year, he has complained everytime I asked that he hates baseball and it's boring. He works long hours and doesn't want to waste his free time off doing something he hates. He's great about taking both of my sons to do things...as long as it's something he finds interesting. I'm not asking him to go to all of the games now...just a few, for my son and me. I don't think it's a big deal to go watch a few kids games to show interest in the child, even if sports is not someone's thing. My other son is going to play basketball this year, not my favorite but I will be at the games. It's what parents/step-parents do IMO.

 

As for the movies and visiting my sister, it's not like it comes up every day. However, when we were dating, if once in a great while, I wanted to visit my sister he did not complain about going. We also went to see movies together always. He may have commented afterward that the movie was slow or boring but he didn't ever say "I won't go because I will be bored."

 

As for his functions/activities, if he asks me to come along/participate, I do. We do share most of the same hobbies. Most of the activities he wants to do, the kids and I also enjoy. There are a couple of things he likes that I'm not crazy about but it's not a big deal to me to go along. It's not like it's everyday and I can give a little. I'm more tolerant of situations... I can go along and have fun with the people enjoying the activity...even if it's not my favorite thing.

 

Same with movies, I like all kinds of movies and if I go see one with him that he wanted to see and I didn't enjoy it, oh well...that's life. If he wants to go see a movie that I don't think I will enjoy, I go anyway. Sometimes, I'm surprised and I love it. Sometimes, I don't like it...again, oh well. Interestingly enough, I'm not even asking him to watch 'chick flicks' as that is about the only movie genre that I don't enjoy. Lol! I love action, suspense, thriller, horror...all things a man should be open for. He wants me to go watch Resident Evil with him this weekend and I'm game even though it wouldn't be my first pick. And I'm sure I'll enjoy it. However, I can't wait to see Devil and he's saying no because he doesn't think he can sit through a movie that takes place in an elevator. I just want him to be open minded sometimes and also be willing to do some things with me just because he wants to make me happy.

[TaraMaiden]

I'd stop going to his functions and see how he likes always going on his own.

Tell him that this is a great way to secure a separate future where you guys live lives on a parallel plane, with the two lines moving inexorably further and further apart.

 

Believe me, it happens. it's mind-numbingly boring and soul-destroying. And you're only a few months into marriage. I stuck it for 20+ years.

You prepared to do the same?

 

You need to talk to him and even maybe attend counselling.

[newlywed2010]

Call this a long shot if you like but maybe, just maybe, you could talk to your husband about this? Tell him how it makes you feel?

 

Oh, I will. I just wanted to gain some other perspectives first and make sure my requests are not unreasonable.

 

Thanks.

[HawksRule]

I am starting to see a pattern in my new marriage. My new husband thinks he should only do things with me if it is something he's interested in.

 

Just examples: My son from my first marriage plays baseball and my new husband won't go to the games because it bores him. If I suggest a movie, he doesn't want to go because he would find it boring. If I ask him to go with my kids and I to visit my sister, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't enjoy talking to my brother-in-law and would be bored. He doesn't think I should ask him to do anything that he wouldn't enjoy.

 

I'm getting very stressed. It's not that I think he should do everything with me all the time or do things he doesn't like all the time...but shouldn't he compromise with me sometimes?

 

I feel hurt that he won't attend at least some of my son's games. As for the movies, I've attended plenty with him that weren't my favorites without complaining. Anytime he suggests we invite his family over, or visit his family I do so without hesitation, even if there is something I might rather be doing.

 

I went into this relationship expecting it to be give and take and so far I've been much more generous with the giving. He was much more flexible about these things before we were married. He was so eager to please me and I have always been eager to please him.

 

We share a lot of the same interests and do a lot together...but it's always things that he likes to do. If it's something I want to do that he wouldn't enjoy, forget it! I'm not like that with him...I'm willing to sacrifice a little of my time to do something with him that he loves, even if it's not my favorite thing.

 

I hate being put in this position to always have to find someone else to go see that movie I can't wait to see...or go alone. And I wouldn't expect him to do it all the time, but shouldn't he be willing some of the time?

 

God I wish I got these queues sooner than later for myself. Anyway, just talk to him, don't be emotional (guys aren't emotional, we're logical) otherwise he'll dissmiss what you're saying as just u looking for a fight. Just tell him straight up, look...this stuff is important to me. I don't feel this is fair, I go to a lot of things with u that doesn't interest me, but I know it's important to you. He may get defensive at this point. But just tell him, a relationship/marriage is about compromise, so you both need to compromise. Tell him (and actually believe it), that you don't expect him to go to all these things, but he needs to make a reasonable attempt to go to a few with you. and in Return...you will join him in things that is interesting to him and put on a smile, even though it's not interesting to you. (i.e. business parties? his own family outings? etc.). Just explain to him you're really trying to tackle this thing before it actually becomes an issue. keep in mind we guys are kind of thick headed sometimes, just be patient with us and we'll get it.

[whichwayisup]

WHY do you insist that he provide you with a "better" explanation of not wanting to see a movie, other than his anticipation that he will not enjoy it? THE FACT THAT YOUR H CHOOSES NOT TO DO ACTIVITIES WHICH HE DOES NOT ENJOY, DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. IT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S A "BAD HUSBAND." IT SIMPLY MEANS HE CHOOSES NOT TO DO RELATIVELY TRIVIAL RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES IF HE FINDS THEM TO BE UNENJOYABLE. In other words, he is exhibiting perfectly rational behavior.

 

I agree with this, people need to accept their spouses as they are, faults and all. Though, her husband could make an effort and bend, compromise, and do something with his wife that she finds enjoyable. It's called giving.

 

I wonder though, if it was his own flesh and blood son's baseball game, would he still not go? How does one refuse a small child? Blood or not, being asked to watch the game, does he say NO to the son?

[Honorable_Venerable]

Who made up that particular rule?

There are actually TWO rules:

"That's what proper married couples do" and "Married couples don't do that". These are all-purpose, one-size fits none rules that allow people to justify more or less any sort of thing they want to force their spouse into or out of. Didn't you know?

[InternationalPlayboy]

It sounds like you've been unduly influenced by whatever "subculture" of youth sports you happen to be in. You don't even like the basketball games yet you believe you HAVE to go...or else what, exactly? The other parents will look down on you as a bad parent? You DON'T have to hover over your kids at their sports games.

 

Why don't YOU try going a little bit out of your comfort zone on this, and just drop your kid off at the basketball game, go do something else that you actually want to do for an hour or two, then come back and pick him up when the game is over?

 

My kids are involved in periodic youth sports such as basketball and soccer, I rarely watch a game, I don't think it's something that is any reflection on me as a parent. It's an activity for my KIDS to participate in. My wife is quite a bit more involved with the kids and their sports (and other activities for that matter) but she sure as heck doesn't give me any grief about it. I can think of few things more intrinsically boring than watching a bunch of kids running around a soccer field for an hour.

 

Do you want to know a little secret? When I do go to these things, I spend most of my time scoping out the hot soccer moms, not their little kids. Not that I would ever do anything about that. And I'll bet that's what most of the other dads who "spectate" at these sorts of things are doing as well. Unless they're the "psycho sports dad," that is.

 

Dude. You're insane. Part of growing up, getting married and having kids is realizing there's more to life than just YOU. It's not easy - going to movies you'd rather not watch or attending children's activities you find boring - but it builds character not only yours but the child's also. I'm not a psycho sports dad but when my kids participate in extracurricular activities I go - even when I'd rather stay home and play Madden. It means something to them to know I'm there plus I'm pretty damn proud of them.

 

And here's my little secret - my dad was just like you when I was a kid. Hated going to my baseball games, never said much about anything I did unless it was something that directly impacted him. He was aloof and our family revolved around him. He worked hard every day for us snot-nosed kids and we appreciated it. But he worked so hard he rarely showed any appreciation for us. Now he's older, retired, widowed and neither my sister nor I have spoken to him in 10 years and he will very likely die alone. And I don't feel bad.

 

I was going to respond to more of your posts, but I'm afraid we come from such differing positions it would only waste my time and everyone else's. I wish you luck.

[newlywed2010]

Oh, hello. I'm a long-time lurker here and I think I know you. Didn't you at one time use the screen name 'canada' or 'oh canada' or 'canada rules' or something like that?

 

The question I have is, "Why?" A kid's sports activity is simply not that important.

 

That's your opinion.

 

You need to get some perspective. You're making a power struggle in your new marriage over something that relatively speaking is almost completely trivial.

 

I stated myself that in one of my posts that I came here to gain perspectives...find out if my requests were unreasonable BEFORE I talked to my husband.

 

He's a hard working guy who married a woman with two kids.

 

This was HIS choice. He asked me to marry him.

 

What is your objective in trying to force him to do trivial activities that you KNOW he would prefer not to do?

 

I am not trying to FORCE him to do anything. I have done nothing more than ASK him to do these things with me. When he refused, I gave him a kiss and went about my day!

 

It's like your almost looking for a reason to be unhappy with your marriage. Why is that? Why can't you just accept the fact that he does not want to go to your kids' baseball games because he works hard and he finds the games boring? Yet apparently this is not good enough for you? You don't think he "loves you enough" ?

 

Oh, quite the contrary, I am very happy in my marriage and trying to make sure it stays that way. How much he loves me was not the question I had. The question was, when married, don't spouses sometimes do things they may not necessarily want to do for the sake of their spouses?

 

This seems to indicate that you are making his attendance at the games as "proof" of his love for your son and you. You are creating an unnecessary hoop for him to jump through, for what, exactly?

 

I have not asked him to go to games to 'prove his love'. How could I have created any 'hoops' for him to jump through when I have done no more than invite him to games?

 

Listen...I know a lot of parents think that going to their kids sports' games is supposedly some sort of important activity. IMO it's not. There is altogether too much parental involvement in youth sports. These games are, or should be, for the kids to participate in. It's not about the parents and whether they watch or not, it's so the kids can play some sports.

 

Mr. InceptorsRule...AGAIN...YOUR OPINION. Who said your opinion is right and mine is wrong? Oh, let me see...it is an OPINION...which is not right or wrong but different! Good grief!!!

 

You want to watch the games? Great, go for it. Your spouse doesn't care to? That's fine. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or your kids. It simply means he doesn't like that particular use of his time.

 

Right. It's not a big deal at all. It's completely trivial. And therefore it's not something to create an "issue" over in your marriage. You can go watch your kid's games, and leave your husband in peace.

 

Hmmm...this is what I have done...gone to watch the games without him without making any 'issue' of it AT ALL. I definitely left my husband in peace and treated him with the love and respect that I ALWAYS do. It's just something that I'm a little hurt about and thinking he should compromise and maybe go to a few of the games...not all!!! I have never mentioned it to my husband.

 

It sounds like you've been unduly influenced by whatever "subculture" of youth sports you happen to be in.

 

Again, sir, YOUR OPINION!

 

You don't even like the basketball games yet you believe you HAVE to go...or else what, exactly? The other parents will look down on you as a bad parent? You DON'T have to hover over your kids at their sports games.

 

Why don't YOU try going a little bit out of your comfort zone on this, and just drop your kid off at the basketball game, go do something else that you actually want to do for an hour or two, then come back and pick him up when the game is over?

 

I don't give a crap what the other parents think. I go to the kids games because I feel it is important for me to be there. My kids love it that I watch their games. They are proud of their achievements and I enjoy watching them excel in sports. I have missed a few games here and there when I couldn't go and felt disappointed and my kids were a little disappointed as well, even though they understood. If I don't enjoy one of the sports, I don't care...I will still be there when I can. When I had kids, I knew I would sacrifice a lot of my time for the happiness of my kids. IN MY OPINION (which I know yours will differ), this is what adults do!

 

My kids are involved in periodic youth sports such as basketball and soccer, I rarely watch a game, I don't think it's something that is any reflection on me as a parent. It's an activity for my KIDS to participate in. My wife is quite a bit more involved with the kids and their sports (and other activities for that matter) but she sure as heck doesn't give me any grief about it. I can think of few things more intrinsically boring than watching a bunch of kids running around a soccer field for an hour.

 

This is your choice. In my opinion, you are missing out on a lot with your kids and you should be spending more time watching their sports. That is my opinion...which I am entitled to as much as you are entitled to yours.

 

Do you want to know a little secret? When I do go to these things, I spend most of my time scoping out the hot soccer moms, not their little kids. Not that I would ever do anything about that. And I'll bet that's what most of the other dads who "spectate" at these sorts of things are doing as well. Unless they're the "psycho sports dad," that is.

 

Oh, for God's sake! <eyeroll> This is funny. Is that supposed to make me want to keep my husband away from these events so that he won't be looking at hot women? LOL! He's a big boy and opportunities to look at hot women are frequent at other places besides youth games.

 

If you are trying to say I shouldn't worry about him coming because he wouldn't be paying attention to the game anyway if he's not interested, point taken there. However, I didn't say I wanted him to come to all the games. I just said a few, I would even be thrilled with one or two. If he isn't paying attention the entire time, but talking to other parents there, staring off into space, playing with his phone, or whatever, that's not so important to me. As long as he is there a time or two to see his step-son hit the ball or make that great play, I'm thrilled and so are the kids!

 

When you visit your sister, does she always have a well stocked fridge including your h's favorite food, snacks, and drinks? Does she treat him with respect? Does her husband? Is she sociable or b*tchy? Are your sister and her h the kind of couple who are constantly sniping and arguing with each other and just unpleasant for other people, not related to them, to be around? You see, these details MATTER.

 

It is pleasant to visit my sister and her husband. He gets along well with my sister but doesn't care much for her husband. My brother-in-law just isn't really talkative, my husband is and he interprets the quietness as my BIL not liking him. I've explained it's not just him, my BIL is just quiet with everyone. It's not even that often that we are invited, maybe once every 3 months. It usually is for a meal and my sister does always take into consideration what my husband would want to drink/eat, etc. When he used to go, he always seemed to enjoy the meals.

 

 

Bottom line here is he's a "hard worker" and he loves you and your kids--who aren't his, right? You are PICKING at this guy and you've only been married nine months. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO YOUR KIDS' baseball games? Or see some chick flick you want to see? You gotta be kiddin' me with this stuff. Please tell me what is the "real" issue you see here?

 

I am not picking at him, nor do I plan to start!

[newlywed2010]

Does it make sense for him to do things he's not interested in? How hard is it to find activities that you both enjoy, which you can do together?

 

What in the heck is your problem? It is NOT hard to find activities that we are both interested in. I stated this in my original post. Also, it does make sense in my opinion for him to EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE do something he is not interested in!

 

 

 

 

Like I think I said in an earlier post, I just don't really get why so many women seem to get offended or hurt feelings because their man happens to express a rational attitude about something.

 

This statement does NOT surprise me. It seems to me that you would have problems getting a lot of things. Also, whose to say that you even know what a rational attitude is? Huh?

 

That's not actually, literally true. I am quite sure your h probably does many many things which he might not enjoy but he does it for the good of the family, such as getting up every morning and working his rear off to earn a living. Such as reasonably trying to deal with whatever "issues" there might be coming into a blended family and being a father to two children who are not biologically his. Do you seriously think your h never does anything for the family, or for you, or for your kids, that he does not enjoy?

 

How hard my husband works is not the issue. He actually doesn't work any harder now than he did before we got married. He has always worked hard and that was his choice. He also made a decision to ask me to marry him and to be step-dad to my kids. His role as step-dad is purely a relationship. I have a teenager, who is like a buddy to my husband and a pre-teen who adores my husband and accepts him completely as 'dad'. My ex-husband doesn't see the kids, so my husband doesn't deal with any of that. I take care of the day-to-day 'raising' of my kids: meal preparation, getting them off to school, doctor/dental appointments, activities, homework, discipline, bedtimes, supervision, etc. So, the only 'issues' my husband has to 'deal with' from the blended family and being step-dad to two children who aren't biologically his are... ??? Talking/watching tv with the kids when we are all home together, taking them to do activities that he enjoys and would be doing anyway. This doesn't seem like a hardship to me since he told me he's so much happier as a husband/step-dad than he was when he was single. He was a bachelor for a long time and didn't really enjoy it.

 

Compromise about what? That you want to force him to do recreational activities that he does not want to do? The only possible "compromise" that makes sense is only doing things that you both enjoy; or family activities that you ALL enjoy.

 

I have not forced him to do anything. Nor do I plan to start trying. The norm in our house is to plan activities we enjoy as a couple or a family. That's what we normally do. We don't have issues there. I do sometimes attend functions, gatherings or participate in activities that I do not really love because my husband asked me. In my opinion, this is part of marriage and I would like for him to reciprocate every now and then.

 

How come so many women pull the "you hurt my feelings" card out as a trump card in these kinds of discussions? You have said NOTHING about your HUSBAND'S feelings. Surely he has them?

 

I haven't pulled any card as I haven't discussed this with my husband. He most certainly does have feelings and if I discuss this with him, I will try not to hurt him.

 

This is absolutely unbelievable. Here you have a found a hard working man who is willing to help you raise your two kids by another man and yet you are finding all kinds of trivia to gripe about.

 

In my opinion, YOUR statement here is what is unbelievable! Again, my husband asked me to marry him and said he wanted to be a step-dad to my kids. He chose me. He has always worked this hard...he works no harder because he married me and now has two step children. I also work full-time and contribute almost exactly half of the income. I could support my kids on my own, even though my dead beat ex does not pay child support. I did not marry this man to have him help me support my kids. I married him because I love him, enjoy being with him, want to share my life with him and he and the kids also have a special bond.

 

LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND ALONE. The ONLY thing you should be telling him after he comes home from a typical "hard day at work" is: "Honey do you want your icy cold beer right now and would you like regular or ranch doritos with that? Also which one of my sexy nighties would you like me to wear for your pleasure later tonight?"

 

Again, this statement is unbelievable! You, sir, are unbelievable! When my husband comes home from a 'hard day at work', I also come home from a 'hard day at work'.

 

I am solely responsible for cleaning, cooking, laundry, bill paying, banking, errands and handling any thing the kids need handled. Dinner is always set on the table with a smile. His clothes are always clean for him. I pick up his dirty clothes off the floor without complaining. I always pick up after him without complaining. The checkbook is always balanced, bill paid on time, etc. My teenager is paid allowance to do our yard work. Therefore, the only thing my husband is ever responsible for as far as chores is vehicle maintenance or repair. I'm not even complaining that I do this...I knew he was messy when I married him and I accepted that. What I didn't know and haven't accepted yet is that he doesn't seem willing to compromise every now and then to do something he doesn't want to do. Something like give up a couple of Saturday afternoons to go to two of the kids games, or visit my sister with me for a couple of hours on a Sunday 3 - 4 times a year, or maybe a couple of times a year take me to a movie I've been dying to see even if it's not something he would choose.

 

Leave him alone, huh? As I have said, I don't whine or nag at him about going to games or that movie he doesn't want to see. I have only asked and when he said no, have kissed him, smiled and went on about my day. I have not treated him any differently...no pouting, crying, whining, nagging, NOTHING! Only asked and then when he refused, kissed him good-bye, left with a smile and happily came home to him later.

 

I posted to get other perspectives about if he should be compromising and have been happy with most of the replies.

[newlywed2010]

The OP did NOT say that her son asked her h to watch him.

 

My son has asked his step-dad to go to the games.

 

I wanted to reply to more of what you said but I don't think it's worth my time!

[newlywed2010]

God I wish I got these queues sooner than later for myself. Anyway, just talk to him, don't be emotional (guys aren't emotional, we're logical) otherwise he'll dissmiss what you're saying as just u looking for a fight. Just tell him straight up, look...this stuff is important to me. I don't feel this is fair, I go to a lot of things with u that doesn't interest me, but I know it's important to you. He may get defensive at this point. But just tell him, a relationship/marriage is about compromise, so you both need to compromise. Tell him (and actually believe it), that you don't expect him to go to all these things, but he needs to make a reasonable attempt to go to a few with you. and in Return...you will join him in things that is interesting to him and put on a smile, even though it's not interesting to you. (i.e. business parties? his own family outings? etc.). Just explain to him you're really trying to tackle this thing before it actually becomes an issue. keep in mind we guys are kind of thick headed sometimes, just be patient with us and we'll get it.

 

Great advice! I'm glad for another male perspective. Thanks!

[newlywed2010]

Dude. You're insane. Part of growing up, getting married and having kids is realizing there's more to life than just YOU. It's not easy - going to movies you'd rather not watch or attending children's activities you find boring - but it builds character not only yours but the child's also. I'm not a psycho sports dad but when my kids participate in extracurricular activities I go - even when I'd rather stay home and play Madden. It means something to them to know I'm there plus I'm pretty damn proud of them.

 

And here's my little secret - my dad was just like you when I was a kid. Hated going to my baseball games, never said much about anything I did unless it was something that directly impacted him. He was aloof and our family revolved around him. He worked hard every day for us snot-nosed kids and we appreciated it. But he worked so hard he rarely showed any appreciation for us. Now he's older, retired, widowed and neither my sister nor I have spoken to him in 10 years and he will very likely die alone. And I don't feel bad.

 

I was going to respond to more of your posts, but I'm afraid we come from such differing positions it would only waste my time and everyone else's. I wish you luck.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this to InterceptorsRule! My ex-husband's father was also like this and he will also probably die alone. My ex-husband unfortunately always had issues from his upbringing and, in his case, it kept him from being a good father to his sons. He doesn't even see his kids now...hasn't for almost two years.

 

As for InterceptorsRule, I think he hangs around and ticks people off, then leaves (or gets kicked out) and reappears after changing screen names. I have lurked her for a long time before I finally posted this week. I'm pretty sure this guy used to post with a screen name that had 'canada' in it. He was annoying then...still is annoying.

 

I spent a lot of time responding to his posts this morning but am going to quit not. He's not worth it and it's probably what he wants anyway!

[newlywed2010]

I wonder though, if it was his own flesh and blood son's baseball game, would he still not go? How does one refuse a small child? Blood or not, being asked to watch the game, does he say NO to the son?

 

I wonder this also. My son has asked him to go to the games too.

[newlywed2010]

I'd stop going to his functions and see how he likes always going on his own.

Tell him that this is a great way to secure a separate future where you guys live lives on a parallel plane, with the two lines moving inexorably further and further apart.

 

Believe me, it happens. it's mind-numbingly boring and soul-destroying. And you're only a few months into marriage. I stuck it for 20+ years.

You prepared to do the same?

 

You need to talk to him and even maybe attend counselling.

 

Thanks so much for the reply. 20+ years is a long time to deal with a situation like that. I'm trying to get my thoughts together on this before I talk to my husband about this. I am glad I am getting different perspectives on this first as I don't want to be unfair.

[DaisyLeigh]

I do not get the mentality of being his maid, cook, and sex toy, as some seem to suggest to you. Or that you should be dying of gratitude and kissing his feet for marrying a woman with kids. Geez, like women NEVER marry guys who have kids.

 

I don't think that you are asking a lot, especially with what he actually gets out of the deal. I wish someone would make it so all I had to do was come home from work.

Edited September 15, 2010 by DaisyLeigh