Wife cheated on me; we decided to put it behind us, but ...

[supportourtroops]

I just can't seem to block it from my mind. It happened on this year's Valentines Day.

 

 

Here's a little background on our relationship:

 

We're both 26 yrs of age, and have been married for almost 5 yrs (together for 6). She has had lots of medical issues throughout our relationship (2 miscarriages), and has always heavily relied on my emotional support. About the time of the second lost child (2 yrs ago), I started to emotionally separate myself from her. We have always had our nasty fights, but the last year has been really bad. She's had to go through a menapause (spelling?) procedure. It was really hard for me to deal with all the emotions; so, I withdrew even more.

 

 

I've been 1000 miles away from her for the last month (attending a school), and unfortunately she had more medical problems (a couple of ER visits). While having my mind on test after test (school), I didn't show enough concern. And I do feel like a jackass for that. Well, I guess that was the last straw for her. Unfortunately, I didn't know at the time b/c she wouldn't pick up the phone for almost 2 wks. Well, I finally got to speak to her a couple days before Valentines Day. She said it was time for us to get a divorce. Not much was said during the conversation b/c she was at work and busy.

 

 

I sent her some flowers/card for Valentines Day. The card basically said I was sorry. She calls my room, and leaves a message the says "sorry, a little to late with the gesture." I called that night, and left a message telling her happy V-day and that I deeply love her. Couple days go by without a word. So, I decide to send her 6 dozen roses. She calls me the day she recieves them, and tells me that as soon as she saw the flowers in her office, she ran to the bathroom and threw-up.

 

 

For the next couple of days I confessed how much of an a**h*** I've been for soo long, that I will be by her side from this day forward, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I must have said all the right things b/c she was now considering it and a couple days later she gave in. Then... she drops the BOMB! She went down to Dallas on Valentines Day, hung out with someone she barely knows, and got drunk. According to her, she thought it was over between us. Well, it took me a few minutes to gather myself, and these are the words that came out:

"If anything proves to you how much I love you, it's that I'm going to put this behind us and I'm going to forgive you some day." She then begins to confess that she just fell in-love with me all over again.

 

 

Other than the fact that she was with another man (oral acts included), I think the most hurtful and disturbing thing is that she allowed unprotected sex for a few minutes (so she says) before she made the guy put a condom on. I still don't know if I trust that she did make him b/c I know exactly how she gets when she is drunk.

 

Is there anyone out there that can tell me I'm doing the right thing??

 

Please, don't hold anything back and thank you for your time.

[TheFaithfulWife]

I am not one to condone cheating in any way. I think those that cheat are selfish people, but in your instance there is much more then just cheating.

 

It is not a matter of her cheating for months or years but a one time event, caused it seems by a need to feel like someone cares. You admit that you treated her medical condition without much sympathy and you didn't give much support.

 

She and you have had some real emotional stress, miscarriages can be so much harder for the woman as she carries the baby inside and can relate to it being part of her, while men don't get too involved in the emotional part until they experience the babys first movement.

 

I think that when you made the effort to let her know that she was still an important part of your life, it changed how she felt about herself. She was able to see herself as a person who was loved again.

 

Don't ruin this by not forgiving, you have a chance to build your relationship back up to something worthwhile. You made mistakes and she made mistakes, let them go, forget them and go on from here.

 

I would consider this a learning experience for both of you.

 

I was cheated on by my husband and I forgave him, even though his was not just a one time fling, he was with the OW for 4 months.

 

So I am not an easy one to accept a cheaters side, but I think in your case it was a one time thing, done in desperation.

Good luck to you both

THE FAITHFULWIFE

[look forward]

supportourtroops I feel for you and its a sounds like your relationship with your wife has been very strained with all her medical issues which has lead her to cheating.. I understand that you withdrew from her but dont think you should blame yourself for what she did she is afterall a grown woman and responsible for her own actions.. If you have taken the path to forgive her I would suggest that you your wife go to a counseller and see if you can re-build your marriage and it will give both of you the opportunity to air your views and concerns.. also I have seen lots of people say that <URL removed> is a good site so give that a try...

 

Good luck and best wishes to you

 

XXX

[HurtinginVA]

First, sorry to hear that you are going through this. Just want to clarify, was it THIS Vday, a little more than a week ago? If so, of course it's not behind you yet. Dont expect it to be for quite awhile either. It takes time. I am 2 1/2 months post Dday and it's not completely behind me yet, but it is a lot more so than it was a week afterwards. Communication is the key.

 

Good Luck.

[Benedict]

Hiya, SOT...

 

Been there too, man. I also recognized my part in the whole thing. I suspected since... oh... June, '01, found enough evidence in Oct '02, confirmed it with her in May '03. Took my time, didn't I? It ended sometime in late '02 by the way.

 

It's gonna take a long time to get past this for you. For both of you. If were as easy as just deciding to put it behind me, I would be pretty darn happy.

 

For what it's worth, you can search my name, and look in the threads titled similarly to yours. They are almost the only ones I respond to .

[supportourtroops]

Thank you for the kind and supportive words. Your words are very encouraging. I agree that time and communication are going to be key factors. So far so good with the communication, but the time just couldn't be any slower.

 

We haven't seen each other in six weeks; so, I'm going up to visit her this weekend (fingers crossed).

 

Thanks again guys/girls! I'll keep you updated.