SO is cheating

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Quick question. When I talk to my lawyer and get my lawyer to file for interm custody and give the reason for filing for interm custody as her criminal record, (DUI, 2 public intoxications) and drug use in the home (methadones) would she be prompted to pass a drug test quickly or would she have time to get herself clean to be able to pass the drug test? If I can find a sure fire way to prove her daily drug usage then I would be more at ease.

 

This is really eating at me guys. Please say a pray for me and my children. It would be appreciated.

 

To the best of my recollections I do believe, since there at least two legal issues at hand, the D.U.I. and the Public Intoxications, I would think any court and or agency would insist on a "immediate" drug and alcohol test, to build her a "base line" and any drug and alcohol test there after would be compared to the base line test. And as far as her "getting clean" of course a court of law, agency or treatment facility would do an immediate test and one just before she was to discharged or released. And yes, relax, if and when the courts or an agency or treatment facility run her first tests, they will be on the look out of other things that show up in the test, like your methadone concerns!

[Southern Belle]

I have no idea what the cost would be, but you may want to consider a private investigator's services. It looks like there are several companies in Louisville. And it looks like they have detailed surveying and documentation techniques for cheating spouse/child custody investigations.

 

Good luck.

[UofLCards]

Really thinking about purchasing me a recorder and putting it in my pocket and record her saying some things that could be used against her in court. Also, going to sit down and write down everything I remember about her partying in the past, her cheating, what happened the night the OM was in my house when I got off work, her daily drug use, etc. I need as much firepower as I can against her to give to my lawyer when I meet with him for the first time next week. I'm so ready to move out now but I dont want to jump the gun too soon and not be prepared when I do in fact move out. I want to be FULLY prepared and have as much documented as I can.

[jnj express]

Hey Louieville----I don't know about kentucky, but here in Calif---in every divorce involving custody, a psych eval. is done----see if you can get your lawyer to go to court, and ask for that---also----if she is going to bars and drinking----does she pay her own tab, and if so---is it by credit card----that would give you evidence of her repeatedly going to bars and getting drunk, backed up with the arrests-----I do believe you ahve enuff right now---with her arrests. Most courts are not gonna allow a woman who has dui's to drive children , also public intox----you really should have a slamdunk

[2sunny]

she's no mother, she's a mooch.

 

don't pay any money for her anymore.

 

the more you pay - the more trouble she will cause, that's half the problem, you keep taking away her consequences. let her get a job, pay her fines, buy her own things. set some boundaries for yourself, seems you have none.

 

she is a big ball and chain, let go of her - she's been dragging you down for a long time. since you have made all her troubles go away, she hasn't been motivated to do ANYTHING differently. see her for what she really is, an alcoholic and a druggy who doesn't intend to get well. she depends on you to support her habits. why are you working so hard just to have her spend more money on drinks, drugs and court fees? this is backwards. she causes the trouble SHE finds a way to fix it herself! it's not for YOU to fix, never was... so stop that.

 

as far as her and her OM, grow some big balls. you are being used. she's totally playing you for a fool. don't be that guy.

 

i like the idea of moving with your parents. do not pay for her to live after that - she's a grown woman and should have a job. let her pay her own way for once.

[UofLCards]

Thanks for the repsonse, jnj. No. When she goes to the bars she doesnt use a credit card to pay her way. She uses what money she can find, I'm sure she even has guys buy drinks for her. As far as the psych evaluation, would we have to be married or do they do those in cases where there is no marriage or divorce involved?

 

I have been trying to do as much research on child custody and father's rights and some of the things I have read really make me even more concerned about my chances. Some of the info I found on father's and custody doesnt look good for me. I have read it is VERY hard to prove a mother unfit and that the courts almost ALWAYS rule in the mother's favor. I start to really get cold feet on this whole situation of moving out and trying to fight for custody when I read info like this. In all honesty if a judge gave my SO custody of my kids then the court system in Kentucky really is all for the mother because there is no way that she should be considered fit to raise 3 kids by herself in her current situation. That's just the truth. From what I have read though it seems that Kentucky might be one of the worst states in regards to fathers trying to gain custody of their children.

 

 

Maybe she will cave in when she finds out that I'm ready to fight for my kids and just give in and hand the kids over to me or give me primary residency as long as she can have visitations. Who knows. But I honestly doubt that since the home we live in now is govt. assisted and you have to have children living in the home to be eligible to live here. If I had primary residency and she only had visitation then I dont think she would be able to live here. So that might give her a reason to stand up and fight for custody. All I know is this is going to be a long process. Im not gonna make any drastic moves or decisions. I will know when it's time to leave and move out, and that will be when I feel I have enough evidence and documentation to prove my case.

[2sunny]

Thanks for the repsonse, jnj. No. When she goes to the bars she doesnt use a credit card to pay her way. She uses what money she can find, I'm sure she even has guys buy drinks for her. As far as the psych evaluation, would we have to be married or do they do those in cases where there is no marriage or divorce involved?

 

I have been trying to do as much research on child custody and father's rights and some of the things I have read really make me even more concerned about my chances. Some of the info I found on father's and custody doesnt look good for me. I have read it is VERY hard to prove a mother unfit and that the courts almost ALWAYS rule in the mother's favor. I start to really get cold feet on this whole situation of moving out and trying to fight for custody when I read info like this. In all honesty if a judge gave my SO custody of my kids then the court system in Kentucky really is all for the mother because there is no way that she should be considered fit to raise 3 kids by herself in her current situation. That's just the truth. From what I have read though it seems that Kentucky might be one of the worst states in regards to fathers trying to gain custody of their children.

 

 

Maybe she will cave in when she finds out that I'm ready to fight for my kids and just give in and hand the kids over to me or give me primary residency as long as she can have visitations. Who knows. But I honestly doubt that since the home we live in now is govt. assisted and you have to have children living in the home to be eligible to live here. If I had primary residency and she only had visitation then I dont think she would be able to live here. So that might give her a reason to stand up and fight for custody. All I know is this is going to be a long process. Im not gonna make any drastic moves or decisions. I will know when it's time to leave and move out, and that will be when I feel I have enough evidence and documentation to prove my case.

 

she may not even want custody or visitation. if drinking is her priority (and it seems like it is to her) having the kids just gets in her way of her drinking. the drink will always come first to the alcoholic.

[UofLCards]

Appreciate the reply 2sunny. I agree with everything you have said. She is just using me. Has been for awhile now. There for awhile I was just to caught up in the "everything will eventually get better" thinking to see the real picture. You live and you learn. Everytime I would get tell myself to leave I would think about my kids and their well being. I always thought that I couldnt stand not knowing if they were being taken care of properly, if they were safe, etc. I always knew they were if I was here because I could see what was going on here with my SO and if they were with my mother I also knew they were being taken care of the right way. My kids have NEVER been babysitted by ANYONE other than my parents. My SO has no family that even really cares about her. Her mom died in a car wreck before our kids were born and she didnt know her father ver well. He since has passed too. So the only babysitter my kids have ever known is their grandparents (my parents). Honestly it will hurt my mom as much as it will me if my SO would somehow gain custody because she is basically my kids primary caregiver since I work long hours at the moment.

 

My kids being safe is my main concern, that's what I have always told myself, even if it means that I get used and taken advantage of by my SO. At least I know that my kids are taken care of and safe. But those days of being used and taken advantage of are coming to a close end. I cant take the hurt anymore.

[2sunny]

But those days of being used and taken advantage of are coming to a close end. I cant take the hurt anymore.

 

you can only be used and taken advantage of if YOU allow it. remember that!

 

stop allowing it.

[UofLCards]

she may not even want custody or visitation. if drinking is her priority (and it seems like it is to her) having the kids just gets in her way of her drinking. the drink will always come first to the alcoholic.

 

 

My only concern about that is she would be likely to fight it just for the fact that she doesnt want to be looked down upon, like she just gave her kids away without even putting up a fight. Could be wrong. Also, the fact that if she doesnt have the kids living in the home full time she would lose her home. Also, she could leave the kids with someone or even leave them home alone while she goes out. That is my concern, their safety while she does go out and drink. Right now when she goes out I know that they are safe. They are with me or my mother.

[2sunny]

My only concern about that is she would be likely to fight it just for the fact that she doesnt want to be looked down upon, like she just gave her kids away without even putting up a fight. Could be wrong. Also, the fact that if she doesnt have the kids living in the home full time she would lose her home. Also, she could leave the kids with someone or even leave them home alone while she goes out. That is my concern, their safety while she does go out and drink. Right now when she goes out I know that they are safe. They are with me or my mother.

 

either keep the house and throw her out permanently, or move to your Mom's.

 

stop worrying about her. she will do what she always does. start worrying about YOU and your kids.

 

she will get her guy to take care of her now (or again, depending upon which way you look at it). she'll do anything to not work, so she can drink more.

[UofLCards]

I pray and pray that she would just sign the kids over to me, but I hold doubt on that because like I said she would have no place to live. She would lose her home because the kids would be living with me and the OM lives at home with his mother and has no job and no car just like my SO. She has mentioned to me before during an arguement that if we split that she wanted it in writing that I would give her some amount of money to help support her, but nothing was really mentioned of the kids and custody.

 

I honestly think that she would "try" and stay clean just to look good for the judge and the courts but it would not hold up. Even if she was awarded custody she will slip up and do something that will go against her and go in my favor in no time.

[UofLCards]

Im just still playing it day by day trying to gain as much evidence as I can before I make the move to move in over at my parents and leave my SO. Pray for me guys. My kids are my life.

[jnj express]

I think considering her arrest record----you could get a court ordered pysch eval----also I know in your own mind you are worried---but the dark recesses of your mind also tend to blow things out of proportion---with her arrest record, and her running to bars and hanging out with all sorts of strange men----the court is not gonna award her custody---

 

but like I said earlier---go down to the courthouse and watch some custody hearings, then you will know for sure how things are handled

 

Stand tall and stay strong

[UofLCards]

Thats the thing though. I have heard of fathers before that were denied sole custody and primary residency of their kids even though the mother is a non stop bar runner all the time. And to top it off the father is stuck with having to pay child support to boot. I have been told on numerous occasions that its very hard for the father to awarded sole custody of their kids. I think the best I might be looking at is joint custody (50/50). If that's the case I would still be entitled to pay some amount of child support because I would be the one with the highest income out of us. Also, I have heard it doesnt make it any better that the state we live in, I have heard that they HEAVILY favor the mother in the state of Kentucky.

 

My main concern is the kids safety. I dont want to leave here and put them in a situation that I know that they are not gonna be 110% taken care of all the time and 110% safe. That's my only concern and the reason why I have stuck it out with my SO this far. I know that they are safe right now and it makes it easier to take the heartache of my SO's actions knowing that my kids are taken care at the moment. So, my dilemma is stay here and continue to take what my SO decides to dish out knowing that my kids are safe 110% all the time or leave and try and fight for custody not knowing what will happen to them when I leave? I'm lost.

[jnj express]

You can't stay in the type situation you are in----eventually mentally you will wear down, and you will not be the best possible father to your kids, if you are not in a healthy emotional and mental state of mind

 

Go for the D., take your shot----just make sure you have a bulldog for an atty.

 

Your kids need to be in a stable environment---You need to stress the arrest record to the court, for if your wife gets any kind of custody--and she gets arrested---child services will step in-----just go for full custody----

 

Try contacting a fathers rights group in louieville---see what advice they have for you----but IMHO---with 4 arrests on her record your wife is not gonna look like a very fit mother to the court

[UofLCards]

We had an arguement last night and during the arguement she told me again that she wanted me to sign a paper stating that I would give her some amount of money to help support her if I moved out. Honestly, like I said before, I would not mind doing this as long as she gave me custody of the kids with primary residency. I would sign stating that I wouldnt come after her for child support. I just want my kids to be safe. That is 110% my main concern. I plan on waiting until my meeting with my lawyer beginning of next week until I make my move to leave her. In the meantime I plan on buying a voice recorder and recording some of the things she says to me during the arguements while she is drunk. She says some really accusing things during that time and likes to get violent. Also, need her to admit on tape that she does methadone on a daily basis and is an alcoholic, cheated, etc.

 

Thanks for all your reponses. Pray for me guys. I need it.

[UofLCards]

I will be speaking with my lawyer this coming week. Ready to move on and move out, just waiting on my meeting with him.

 

Pray for me. Thanks.

[UofLCards]

In regards to the "drug use", the only thing that comes to mind is the safety and welfare of the children. Is your "soon to be ex" showing any weird or strange behavior around the kids, due to the results of the drug use? Does she have uncontrollable fits of craziness or rage as a direct result of her drug use? Has her drug use put your kids in any way in the direct line of fire of a problem? Has her drug use in any way hurt your kids either mentally or physically?

 

If you answered any of those with a "yes" than what I would do is contact some sort of Child Protective Services and have an investigator do some sort of Parent Fitness Test, to see if your "soon to be ex" is fit enough to be a parent. I'm not talking about the type of fit, that in tells her being able to run 2 miles in under 20 minutes, not that, but rather mental fitness. If you could get someone in authority to write up a report of how she is an unfit parent as a direct result to her drug use, than maybe you will have something.

 

Maybe some sort of Child Protective Service could order her to take a official drug test, for the record, and the results of that test be documented and submitted to your attorney, where it can be used as ammunition in a court of law.

 

I don't know, I'm just kind of thinking out loud for you......

 

 

I was reading back on this thread and came upon this statement. Say I did get CPS involved and let them know about her daily drug use how would that affect my kids? Would they be taken away? Would I be affected since it's being done in our house and I am currently living there too? Would it negatively affect my custody case?

 

I'm just trying to find the best possible solution to documented and providing evidence regarding her daily drug use.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

I was reading back on this thread and came upon this statement. Say I did get CPS involved and let them know about her daily drug use how would that affect my kids? Would they be taken away? Would I be affected since it's being done in our house and I am currently living there too? Would it negatively affect my custody case?

 

I'm just trying to find the best possible solution to documented and providing evidence regarding her daily drug use.

 

Personally, in my honest opinion, I don't think getting some sort of Child Protective Services involved would hurt your position. I would rather like to think, that by you making "first contact" with them and going "on the record" and reporting your "soon to be ex-wife" drug use, and all the problems associated with the use, that this would go in your favor. Also it would be my belief that the Child Services could instruct your "soon to be ex-wife" to submit to a random and or scheduled "drug test", to either prove or disprove your claims. Also be aware, that here in California "all" Child Protective Services paper work, report, and tests can be used in divorce, child custody and child abuse court cases. I wouldn't feel that contacting such a service would go against you, it might strengthen your case in court. It might boost your position as the "good parent", to be the one to have reported this first, rather some agency stumble on this themselves. This could speak volumes to the Family Court Judge about how responsible you are, and that you are only looking out for the kid or kids. Also note, all Child Protective Services paper work by rule gets submitted to both the plaintiff and defendants attorneys during a Child Custody case.

 

What do you have to loose? More importantly, "what are you waiting for"? Start making some phone calls, start talking to friends and or family that maybe once upon a time had dealings with some sort of Child Protective Services, find out how they dealt with them. Really dive into this, and call around to some "Father Support" groups or agencies and get their take on your situation. Heck, tho I'm not a believer, ask your Church, if you have one, ask the Pastor, Bishop, Clergy, Minister, or in my case a Temple Master, find out from them their take on this situation, religious places have always been well known for helping families, some even during divorces.

 

Also, I know you've got yourself a computer with Internet access on it, or you wouldn't be posting on L.S.! Take that computer of yours and for a while make it a strong alley and visit the Child Protective Services web site, see what kind of information they post about "child endangerment" "child custody for an unfit parent" look up anything you can, also look up their "by laws", their "mission statements" look up anything on their web site that you could make yourself comfortable with the notion of maybe contacting them.

 

Just keep your chin up, you will get through this, one way or another this is going to end! But I would jump on things like I described above, soon, time is a wasting!

 

Keep us in the loop, also let me know if any and or all of my recommendations panned out for you!..............keep a smile on your face , I know it's hard but this to will pay dividends for you as well, a simple thing, the power to ones self, through a smile.

Edited September 27, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[UofLCards]

Well, I posted over on some other site that gives legal advice and told them my situation just to try and get some free legal info before my meeting with my lawyer. They gave me the following legal advice with could be negative towards my case of custody:

 

Until a court grants you "parental rights" over these children, you have none.

 

You will have to show that living primarily with you rather than Mom is in their best interests, even though your work schedule prevents you from actually parenting the children most of the time.

 

You have no PROOF of methadone addiction.

 

You have chosen to stay with SO -- WITHOUT the children -- for an extended period of time.

 

I suspect that you DO occasionally leave the children alone with Mom, without your direct supervision.

 

You financially support the addiction that you claim has destroyed her ability to parent the children.

 

You provide her with transportation, with a vehicle that you need to get back and forth to work, transport the children in case of emergency, etc... knowing that she'll be operating it under the influence of various drugs/alcohol.

 

You continue to live with her, knowing that she's involved with an abusive addict.

 

This is not a personal attack. This is an attempt to illustrate what you will need to overcome if you want primary custody of these children.

 

And YES, the choices that you've made so far affect that.

 

 

They pretty much jumped on me over there saying that I have a LONG, STEEP hill to climb to be awarded custody. I get cold feet and start to get VERY concerned to what would happen to my kids and their well being when I read and hear stuff like this. I start to question if I should just try and stick it out with my SO after this kind of stuff.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

UofLCards :

 

I know that information you found out has got you thinking right now. I know you are very concerned and worried after reading the information. I know the information you read has got you kind of "spun out" right now. And your exit statement in your last post has got me a tad bit concerned for you! You said....

 

"They pretty much jumped on me over there saying that I have a LONG, STEEP hill to climb to be awarded custody. I get cold feet and start to get VERY concerned to what would happen to my kids and their well being when I read and hear stuff like this. I start to question if I should just try and stick it out with my SO after this kind of stuff."

 

Remember, nothing tried is nothing earned! Nothing attempted is nothing accomplished! Nothing started is nothing finished! Don't let this information you found scare you! Don't allow yourself the luxury to just give up on yourself and try to stick it out with something that isn't really panning out for you. Remember, the twisted and sometime evil energy that is floating out there, like a sinister breeze wants you to live in fear! This dark energy likes people living inside "worry" and "doubt" and "frustration"! It likes it when people are scared, it means that it can live within it's host for as long as it wants, when one keeps from doing the right thing! Don't give into this monster called fear, it can trap you, hold you, keep you from doing good things for ones self ect. ect. ect.

 

As my Mother would say here......."time to rise above it"!

[jnj express]

They are coming in giving you a view that will be looked at---BUT your wife is actually performing all of the bad acts

 

You cannot control her, and as a parent in a relationship with kids---she is spose to accept responsibility for her part in taking care of the kids----every point the legal website brought up----she actually does, all you do is to try and provide for a stable life

 

Stop looking around at this and that----file your custody action and let a family court judge decide what is going to happen

 

What you are doing right now to yourself---is not healthy for you or your kids----just move the situation along---the judge is not stupid he will see that the kids mother is unfit

[UofLCards]

What I'm concerned about is that I mentioned my work schedule (3:30pm-11:30pm) They told me that is the worst shift to work in the judges eyes, especially when going after custody of your children. You wont be able to care for them as much as their mother w/o YOUR mother's help. They said the judge will also take into look down on it that I have left my kids over at my mothers for the time being while I work even though I am scared for their safety. Listen, I know that they should be home with me at nights after I get off work but I am just thinking about them and their safety and trying to keep them away what they will see when their mother comes in at 6-7 am all boozed up and falling over the place ready to wake me up and pick a fight with me. She doesnt care if the kids are asleep or not.

 

I'm have talked with my attorney over the phone but have not yet had my first initial meeting with him regarding this. I'm going to lay out all the facts to him during that meeting and hopefully I will feel much more comfortable after the meeting. He has been booked up with court and other meetings and such so I will have to wait until begginning of next wk until I can meet with him. Nothing will change with my situation in the meantime though. My SO will continue doing drugs, continue with the partying, continue with the drinking, etc. Hopefully he can give me some insight on the CPS idea and calling them on her.

 

Anyways, were they 110% right on that when they said that since I'm an unwed father that I have no rights to the kids even though I signed paternity? If thats the case then what are the positives of signing paternity except to give your kids a biological father?

[tank]

Ok, You need to calm down and think logically. Your SO is an addict, she doesn't want to parent the kids even when she has the oppourtunity to do so. She leaves them with your mom. You need to stop this whole thing and move out. When your mom is babysitting one day, tell your SO that the kids are going to spend the weekend at grandmas. Come home from work, pack your stuff and go home to your parents. The court does not always rule against the father. Most fathers dont fight for their rights. The roles of men and women have changed so much, that the court has had to adjust their thought process on custody. It comes down to who can provide a safe, happy environment for the children. If the kids are used to spending a lot of time with grandma then the transition will be seamless. your done work at 11:30 and then you come home and sleep. Do you not take care of your children during the day? Do you not take them to appointments etc? Your work schedule is really not a hugh factor, especially if the kids have been consistanely left with a sitter even though your SO is home. Consistancy is the key. Good luck and I will keep an eye on your situation.