Need the mens point of view on giving cheating husband another chance

[TheFaithfulWife]

My husband and I are back together after his having had an affair last year and I am scared to death he will cheat again.

 

He had an affair with a woman he met while in scouting and had gotten to the point of planning a divorce and planning on moving in with her.

 

He thought that I didn't love him anymore and was surprised to find out that I was devastated when he filed for the divorce.

 

She actually was the one to break things off when she found out that he was confused because he still loved me. She was living with a boyfriend through the whole affair.

 

We are now back together after much counseling and soul searching, its been 8 months, but I just found out that she has left her boyfriend and is very lonely and has told someone she misses my husband.

 

As men if you discovered the wife you didn't think loved you anymore turned out to love you dearly , would you considered cheating again if the other woman was available again?

 

I appreciate some honest answers

Here are some facts

It was his first affair

It lasted 4 months

She was with another man the whole time

We have five children together

 

Thanks

ThefaithfulWife

[dyermaker]

As men if you discovered the wife you didn't think loved you anymore turned out to love you dearly , would you considered cheating again if the other woman was available again?

It's difficult for me to answer this, because I have no marital experience, but I think I'll try.

 

I don't mean to re-open reconciled wounds, but I doubt he cheated on you because he thought you didn't love him. It just doesn't make sense, if you think someone won't respond negatively to deception, why would you hide it? I think that there's no way you can cheat on someone without knowing for certain you'd hurt the one you love if they found out. I don't think that the other woman's availibility would entice him to overstep the marital boundaries once again--he's already been caught.

 

If I were you I wouldn't let these sheep in the same room, that's not an unreasonable request. I think he knows your gaurd is up, and I think he regrets his betrayal. I don't know him, but I couldn't imagine someone in his position cheating again.

[wideawake]

Originally posted by dyermaker

I think he knows your gaurd is up, and I think he regrets his betrayal. I don't know him, but I couldn't imagine someone in his position cheating again.

 

Not with the same woman anyway.

[jester]

Affairs are the cocaine of romance. The possibility exists that the affair may rekindle because: 1. it's an emotional /love affair of some duration as opposed to a one -nighter;2. the other woman ended the affair, not your husband;3. an 8-month break is not that long especially if there has been any contact/communication between them during this "break"; 4. your husband has cheated and I believe that those who cheat have a greater probability of cheating again than someone who never cheated.

 

Your love for him, while important, won't necessarily counteract any lingering obsessions he might have for the other woman. The innocent spouse, while not powerless, really does not have control once that affair train starts rolling again.

 

I would keep a very close eye on your husband, especially while the other woman is unattached.

 

Good luck.

[feeling silly]

I respect you for giving it another chance. I on the other hand, I am stuck in the dilema of whether or not I should give the father of my children another chance.

 

I know you asked for the men's perspective, but I'm in a very similar situation right now. It is extremely hard to trust again, and I'm sure the children play a major role in your decision making. I think you should try to talk to your husband about it and find out what he thinks about this girl missing him. You may or may not believe anything he has to say, but you can trust your instincts. You should know him well enough to tell if he was lieing to you, again trust your instincts! You've seen the signs in the past and would recognise them again....( I hope).

 

In my situation there are three children involved. Sometimes I think about taking him back just for the children, to put up my walls. If I expect it to happen again then it won't hurt as much when/if it does. I guess that means I'm not quite ready to take him back.

 

I hope, for your family's sake, that he does love you and has gotton passed his desire to stray outside the marriage. And if that is the case then he will be able to openly discuss this other girl with you, and attempt to help you get over your fears, and he will not consider cheating again. My heart goes out to you.

[Tony T]

Given your entire bundle of circumstances, it would be best if you gave him another chance. Now, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I don't see how a spouse can have an affair for four months without giving off any vibrations or signs. I think you need to work on plugging into your husband on a more spiritual and emotional level. If you do that, there is simply no way he can stray without you knowing it.

 

Stay in counselling, work on communication, etc. If your husband had any notion that you no longer loved him and you bought into that, then obviously you were not expressing that love physically or otherwise. Marriage does not work on autopilot. Take some responsibility here...even if it's only five or ten percent. If you don't make your husband feel loved and wanted, if you don't keep yourself up and make your ownself desireable to him...and if he doesn't do the same, then sure as hell one of you is going to stray as a part of the disbonding process.

 

Get a grip on reality. There's a lot of weird stuff going on in your marriage that doesn't add up. Stay with the counsellor and BE VERY HONEST with him/her if you want this marriage to work.

[brashgal]

Faithful - I'm not a man but I can contribute a little solidarity - some women have NO shame! She has gall to tell someone that she misses him.

 

That said, all you can do is work on keeping your marriage strong by meeting his needs. If you are giving him what he needs, he doesn't have to look elsewhere. And if he does cheat again or it becomes too one-sided (i.e., you are killing yourself meeting his needs and he's not meeting yours), then is the marriage worth hanging onto?

 

I'm having flashbacks, this whole situation really sucks.

[Errol]

I've never had an affair, but I'll try to put myself in that place.

 

I think it has more to do with who I (as the cheating husband) loved more and who I think I would be happier with and who I could make happier.

 

If I discovered that I really loved my wife all along and she loved me, then I would continue with the counseling and hope that someday I would earn her respect back and prove my fidelity--provided that is what my wife wanted.

 

If I did not love my wife and loved the other woman, then I would be honest and leave. (I hope I would be anyway).

 

If I was not sure, then I would discuss it with my wife and ask her what she would prefer I do. I think I would rather move out on my own to sort things out and spend time with both wife and OW (not sexually, but talking and tryinig to figure out my own heart) and I would be open with both of them. I doubt if the wife would go along with that.

 

I wouldn't sneak around and cheat though. I know that honesty is the most important thing - even if it hurts. I can imagine that some men would cheat again - it depends on your husband and how much he really understands what is important to you, and if he has some personal integrity that includes honesty. I can see how difficult it would be to trust him again, and it might take years, if at all. Are you still in counseling?

[moimeme]

If your husband wants to work at the marriage with you, try <URL removed>

 

They have some great strategies for strengthening marriages.

[Benedict]

We've exchanged some posts in the past, being in somewhat the same situation.

 

Honestly, I think that there is only so much guessing what he is thinking/feeling that you can do, and not very much at that. Nobody knows but him, and if you want to know, it will come from only one source. Like others have said, stay with the counseling - it has no time limit or expiration date. We were in it for 18 months.

 

I think what is important for you to do - as it was real important for me to do - is to be able to separate the things over which you have control, and those over which you have none... which means that you have control over what you do and say... and very little else. I think Tony has some pretty darn good advice. It can be easy to get complacent, and then everything deteriorates from there - don't fall into that trap!

 

As far as the OW saying she misses him? F*ckin'-A right she does! She ought to! He's a good guy (all things considered), right? Knowing that you want to keep it together with him, we can all assume that he is a good guy, right? That part is important, because it is a black/white choice. You're either in it to save it because of all the good reasons or you're not. No in between. Then you need to act accordingly. Not saying here that you don't keep your eyes open - you and me, we know better . But when you think of this woman, think to yourself "that's right, beyotch, you miss him! And he's mine because I'm better!" You can't control what she says or does, so don't waste a minute worrying about it.

 

So, although I cannot answer your question as asked, I would say that my solution to your dilemna was communication. We didn't improve it, or make it better - we tore it down and rebuilt it. It is truly amazing how deep the patterns of miscommunication run. It was a major help.

[TheFaithfulWife]

I want to thank you all for your advice.

There was something I neglected to mention that contributed to my husband thinking I didn't love him.

 

We had a baby daughter Katie who at 21 days old died while in his care. We had a cradle that was missing the locking pin, so any little movement would make it sway.

My husband laid her on her side in the cradle, we had discussed this earlier in the day that because it moved that she should be put on her back.

 

It was my first time leaving her, and I asked him to please feed her in two hours. I returned some 6 hours later, I asked him how her feeding from a bottle went and he said that she slept through her feeding and that he had looked in the door, but didn't go in because he didn't want my 2 year old waking her.

 

I panicked and told him to quickly run in because something was wrong. He went in and found her face down in the corner of the cradle, She was dead. The coroner said that she had probably been fussing because she was hungry and had squirmed onto her face.

 

This was many years ago, and at the time all I could do was sob " why did you put her on her side after we talked about it?"

 

What I didn't know until we started counseling was that he always thought I blamed him for her death. He lived with thinking that I held him responsible, not knowing I blamed myself for not having the locking pin for the cradle.

 

We never really aired out what happened that night until affair counseling. I discovered that because I kept trying to have another baby girl, and I would get so upset when each child was a boy, he thought that I had stopped loving him and that I only wanted him so we could replicate Katie.

 

I truly love my husband but I never told him how I felt. We are past that now and we opened up communication.

 

Now all I fear is the OW trying to come back into the picture when we are finally communicating. He says he loves me, always did, but he couldn't bear living with me not loving him.

 

I just thought that telling this might make my situation more understandable, And might explain why in my posts I try to see both sides of the affair when there is some trauma involved.

 

TheFAithfulWife

[Benedict]

I am so sorry. To have to go through that... I could not imagine! Not my baby!

 

My little guy is 5 now. He is actually huge for his age, and pretty tough (neither of which he got from me;)). He was sick for almost two weeks straight. His way of fixing it this past Saturday was to sleep the ENTIRE DAY! Went to bed at 10 the previous night, woke up at 10 PM Saturday night. We watched TV for a few, then we went to sleep at 12 or so. That entire day, all I could do was check on him, wondering if he was OK. I was very concerned, but he awoke the next day his usual hell-for-leather self.

 

I have only very occasionally felt that panicy feeling all parents must get. How awful that it was true for you. I am sorry.

[dyermaker]

That's an unimaginably sad story, I'm very sorry for what happened, and I withdraw what I had speculated about your husband.

[TheFaithfulWife]

Thank you Benedict, it was a very tough time.

 

Dyermaker I also want to say I respect your opinion even when we don't agree.

( Previous post on snooping)

 

You have some very deep posts that you have put alot of thought into and

I was glad you felt that you might have erred in your response to this post.

I did not give enough information to make a judgement call feasible.

Your post helped point that out.

 

I still am a nervous wreck about the OW and I am waiting to see what comes of it.

Thanks for your posts all.

TFW

[wfomxr]

I believe there are people who cheat and people who never will. Once you have broken the sanctity of marriage it becomes much easier to do again. I would bet your husband will at least one more time be with this woman.

 

Sorry to hear of your misfortunes. Best of luck to you whatever the outcome. Remember to do what's best for you. Denial can be blinding.

[saintfrancis]

While I agree with wfomxr that some people cheat and others never will, I do not believe that if someone cheats once, they will necessarily do it again. Of course, it IS true that is becomes MUCH easier to do the second time around and thereafter... after all, the seal has been broken so to speak. However, I also think that there are some people who cheat and are truly sorry for it, and DO learn from the pain they have caused others. A conscience, like every other aspect of human emotion, is fluid and (IMO anyway) can be strong at times and weak at others.

 

I'm not a man, so I'll reserve any opinions on giving him another chance. I am sorry for your loss.