Second Chance/New Relationship with ex

[flow15]

Lullaby, yup it sounds like we are in very similar situations and I hope you both get to the point where you can agree that you are a couple again. I'm honestly not completely in the clear. He still has to have a serious talk with his parents about us to let them know he wants to be with me. I'm not sure how that will go since they are the ones that felt it necessary to stick their nose in. Then I guess depending on how that goes he will tell my family and make everything right. I admit that I was at fault for things but I do believe he wasn't perfect either. I hope he has learned from our mistakes and has changed his point of view. I can honestly say I have! Good luck to you.

 

HopeLove, my bf never asked me to not talk to him. He was always open to communication. I would continue the NC if I were you and give him what he wants. I think it takes way longer for some men to realize that they actually miss you. And isn't it always true that by the time you move on, they have a a change of heart. It really is important for you I think to let go and live your life and move on. Maybe if you do get to that point, he will come back on his own. And if not, you'll at least be in a better place to have a relationship with someone else.

 

Lunita, it is so good to hear when second chances work out! good for you!!

 

what do you recommend that I do in my situation?

My ex broke up with me nearly a month ago, and I've kept no contact for nearly 2 weeks.

He ended it because we were arguing a lot, we had already broken up before but got back together after 2 months as he missed me too much. We tried getting back together for 2 weeks, but hadn't really discussed the previous break up nor resolved all our issues, so it didn't really work and we ended up arguing again, so he ended it again. I pleaded with him not to end it, and I ended up annoying him as I wouldn't leave him alone and kept trying to convince him not to end it (I know- typical reaction to a break up but I couldn't help it- I ended up finding these forums and realised I needed to keep NC) He got annoyed so he told me to leave him alone. So i did, i deleted him off facebook, msn and deleted his numbers (although I know them by heart -i haven't contacted him since). I'm hoping while I leave him alone he'll start to miss me again, and see that that second time round we didn't really 'try' to make it work as much as we should have, ie. not discussing the previous break up etc.

How can I get him back? I miss him so much and think about him all the time.

[Fluffsticle]

Hi Lunita

 

It's so good to hear that you have been able to work through the tough stuff and see what's important again :-)

 

I'm hoping maybe you can advise me... Sorry if I’m hijacking this thread.. Kind of related I guess!

 

I have recently gotten back with my ex. We were together 6.5-7 years and had been broken up for two years.

 

I took the two years to heal my broken heart, to find myself, to reunite with family, friends, hobbies, and am so happy in myself. This was the reason we broke up... However he initiated the break up. We were engaged to be married, and I was miserable. The only way it would ever work was if we broke up, and had our own time. I suggested that we see how things went, and not rush into finding someone else. But you know how after a break up so big you feel you must try to move on. And we both were with other People. He was with someone first, and then I suppose I was to get revenge. I resent him for this, and not listening to me when I suggested we had been through a lot together. Lived together for 6 years, and maybe we should stay on our own for a long while. To see how we were feeling. But that didn’t happen.

 

However I have realised that I am finding it very very very hard to leave the past in the past. We have both been with other People during the break up. This haunts me. Although we were in no contact. Facebook was always there from time to time, and was open for the world to see what was going on on his part!.

 

I realise now that I was deeply hurt by everything that happened during the break up. But I admit I never let the hurt out. I grew strong from it and built on it.

 

He initiated contact through an email some time back, declaring that he still loves me etc... and wants to be with me forever. We made a huge mistake breaking up etc.. He flew home from traveling to win me back. He said he wants no one else. No one in the world is like us.

 

I was overwhelmed. I have always loved him. I agreed to meet him for coffee. We were like magic... and it went from there. He has done a few nice things since we've been back together. But nothing out of this world.

 

Now I am so happy this man is back in my life… but I am picking on everything he says, does, drawing comparison to everything he does to the past 2 years... I am questioning whether he wants to be single for a while and see if there is anyone better. I am trying to push him away by suggesting he should get together with other girls… Why am I doing this? Did you go through this? How can I become calm, and be at peace and see that he has never done anything wrong to me? Why can I not forgive him when I know he has never done anything wrong to me? Why do I try put ideas in his head about other girls?

 

So I feel he has not done what I expect he should do to win me back.,. to win my heart back... I do not know what I'm worth to him, how much he appreciates me. Only what he tells me. But I feel words are not enough. Am I being petty?

And sometimes his words don’t ring through. A few times, he has said he would ring me at a certain time, and then I hear nothing at that time. Only twice this has happened. It is not through neglect. But he is busy setting up his life after traveling etc. But…. Although I understand…. I feel I am taking a back seat, and it doesn’t feel right. He can’t even deliver on a small promise!!

 

So what I’m asking is am I right in thinking when you get back with someone, it’s normal to be feeling like I am in not being able to leave the past in the past? Will this pass in time? If so how?

Does him winning me back, showing me what I mean to him play any part in me being able to leave the past in the past? His words are not enough for me. They are cheap, and I need to feel that he appreciates me, would do anything for me, is sorry for us breaking up like we did. I am not asking for money. I have never asked for his money. I am asking for gestures, like the ones he used to show me years ago… And because of them I never ever doubted his love for me, and never saw a bad bone in his body.

 

Maybe I am expecting too much from him. But I am not happy to spend my life with anyone who is willing to do any less for me…

 

Thanks

[lunita]

flow15 - I think you need to continue with the NC. Doing what people ask of you after a break up is the best thing to do, and also is a bit of reverse psychology - but on them. If he contacts you in some sort of way and opens the door, I might go Low Contact...but take it easy and slow. While you are NC, I suggest you work on yourself. Go out, have fun, spend time with family and go to the gym! Do not MOPE. You have nothing to gain by moping around or eating chips. If your ex does finally contact you and wants to talk, you will get farther if he sees you confident and in better shape than you were before. That will be attractive. Trust me. Use this time to focus on you and you never know, he may wake up. If not, at least you are a better person and a great catch for someone else that deserves you.

 

So what I’m asking is am I right in thinking when you get back with someone, it’s normal to be feeling like I am in not being able to leave the past in the past? Will this pass in time? If so how?

Does him winning me back, showing me what I mean to him play any part in me being able to leave the past in the past? His words are not enough for me. They are cheap, and I need to feel that he appreciates me, would do anything for me, is sorry for us breaking up like we did. I am not asking for money. I have never asked for his money. I am asking for gestures, like the ones he used to show me years ago… And because of them I never ever doubted his love for me, and never saw a bad bone in his body.

 

Maybe I am expecting too much from him. But I am not happy to spend my life with anyone who is willing to do any less for me…

 

Thanks

 

fluffsticle - I think the most important part about getting back with someone is coming to terms what happened in the past and feeling at peace with it. You cannot carry your old issues into a new relationship. I am not expert but it sounds to me that you never fully moved on and have been carrying around this sort of resentment for a while. And now that this person is back in your life, you almost want to use it as a way to throw it back in their face. You will not have a successful relationship unless you can let go of this. The point of getting back together is to start a NEW relationship with each other that will be better because you've learned so many things in this whole process. I don't think you're at that point. You might consider going to see a counselor about this if you are serious about getting back with your ex. Unless you can let go of the hurt, you will end up broken up again. You have to learn how to let go and move forward. If you don't know why you feel this way, I certainly won't, so perhaps someone else may be able to help you. I have considered going to see a counselor myself, not about my current bf and the breakup we went through but because I was in an abusive relationship previously. It's been a long time though and I feel like I'm in a place where I can forgive him now and let go. You need to do that too.

[flow15]

flow15 - I think you need to continue with the NC. Doing what people ask of you after a break up is the best thing to do, and also is a bit of reverse psychology - but on them. If he contacts you in some sort of way and opens the door, I might go Low Contact...but take it easy and slow. While you are NC, I suggest you work on yourself. Go out, have fun, spend time with family and go to the gym! Do not MOPE. You have nothing to gain by moping around or eating chips. If your ex does finally contact you and wants to talk, you will get farther if he sees you confident and in better shape than you were before. That will be attractive. Trust me. Use this time to focus on you and you never know, he may wake up. If not, at least you are a better person and a great catch for someone else that deserves you.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you lunita for your advice, this is what I will do. He did actually contact me yesterday on msn , asking me why I removed him from msn but not block him, and I just said that i deleted him but didn't realise he could still write to me if I only deleted him. Then he kept going on saying he didn't understand. And I told him well there were a lot of things I didn't understand and you asked me to leave you alone, so I'm trying to do that. and then he said fine bye. I wonder if he will contact me again after that?

[Billie The Puppet]

Thank you lunita for your advice, this is what I will do. He did actually contact me yesterday on msn , asking me why I removed him from msn but not block him, and I just said that i deleted him but didn't realise he could still write to me if I only deleted him. Then he kept going on saying he didn't understand. And I told him well there were a lot of things I didn't understand and you asked me to leave you alone, so I'm trying to do that. and then he said fine bye. I wonder if he will contact me again after that?

 

 

Flow this is what is going to happen, that process will repeat until he moves on, or you aggravate so much about asking why he keeps contacting you. - This is what happened with the ex and I. We are 2.5 weeks in now in NC. Saturday Marks 3 weeks and I may just run into her as we both are going to a hockey game and our sections are close enough that we may run into each other at the concession stands etc. IE it will eventually stop.

[flow15]

Flow this is what is going to happen, that process will repeat until he moves on, or you aggravate so much about asking why he keeps contacting you. - This is what happened with the ex and I. We are 2.5 weeks in now in NC. Saturday Marks 3 weeks and I may just run into her as we both are going to a hockey game and our sections are close enough that we may run into each other at the concession stands etc. IE it will eventually stop.

 

Well this is the first time he hs contacted me in 2 weeks. I don't see him doing it again, I wish he would though, but contact me to be nice and to tell me he misses me and to just ask for me back! haha I know that is just wishful thinking...

[lunita]

Flow, I think it's to early for him to run back to you and tell you he misses you etc. etc. I know it sucks but honestly, it's not enough time apart to grow separately and work on things that need changing. That's just my perspective of course but I think it's too soon.

 

Having said that I think it's interesting that he did contact you and pretended it was "random". This is what I mean by reverse psychology. They tell you not to call them so you don't and then they don't like it when you don't. It's childish really but regardless of the childish behavior I encourage you to carry on with the NC and keep working on you. Don't read into it too much. He's probably just wondering why you did what he said. lol

[Billie The Puppet]

Flow, I think it's to early for him to run back to you and tell you he misses you etc. etc. I know it sucks but honestly, it's not enough time apart to grow separately and work on things that need changing. That's just my perspective of course but I think it's too soon.

 

Having said that I think it's interesting that he did contact you and pretended it was "random". This is what I mean by reverse psychology. They tell you not to call them so you don't and then they don't like it when you don't. It's childish really but regardless of the childish behavior I encourage you to carry on with the NC and keep working on you. Don't read into it too much. He's probably just wondering why you did what he said. lol

 

Flow this is my plan:

 

I feel I will break NC around 6 months and only if I feel I am up for rejection or finding out she has moved on. Though her excuse is she has never really been single so 6 months may be to little time. I plan to ask her to catch up over coffee (seems to be the typical first non date meetup)

 

That's me being honest with this forum, and myself even though breaking NC is a wrong thing to do.

 

Thing is we have partial contact but not directly with each other. I mean I kept her on MSN and Facebook and haven't hidden any info from her she see's what all see. I l am living my life as I would before I met her. I am not engaging in any status wars or contacting her in any way. I am friends with her sister and one of her good girl friends in which I talk with them every so often but never about the ex. ( I did before and that was the wrong move, they now respect that I can hold conversations without prying for information and if they bring her up I handle it well or ask them to change the subject) I can see my ex's msn statuses (They seem like bait messages) but she has blocked her facebook wall from me and my family. (Though she still has them friended and still has personal photos in which her and I are together in her albums and profile pictures) I won't lie I check this every once in awhile because I am sure if they are removed some one else is in the picture. I can face the fact if that happens because she has every right to as do I. I won't lie it will hurt but on some days as it is I go on telling myself she left me for another as sometimes it helps me through the days I know it's weird but I go with the negativity of well now she is some one else's problem and it gives me a short little sense of relief. I love her more than she does me that's why I am the dumpee.

[flow15]

Flow, I think it's to early for him to run back to you and tell you he misses you etc. etc. I know it sucks but honestly, it's not enough time apart to grow separately and work on things that need changing. That's just my perspective of course but I think it's too soon.

 

Having said that I think it's interesting that he did contact you and pretended it was "random". This is what I mean by reverse psychology. They tell you not to call them so you don't and then they don't like it when you don't. It's childish really but regardless of the childish behavior I encourage you to carry on with the NC and keep working on you. Don't read into it too much. He's probably just wondering why you did what he said. lol

 

lol i know he wouldn't come running back, especially not now! i was only joking... i was just really down today as it we would have been our 1 yr anniversary. Its strange how one day u can be fine and then the next be really down again, sometimes i think 'i'll be fine, i'm much better off without him, he was an a** for ending it the way he did etc.etc' and then other days i miss him terribly and long to go back to when we were happy.

 

Anyway thanks again for the replies and advice, i will continue NC and hopefully one day the reverse psychology will work. If not, hopefully by then i'll be so over it and having the 'i'll be fine, i'm much better off without him, he was an a** for ending it the way he did etc.etc' days every day!

[flow15]

Flow this is my plan:

 

I feel I will break NC around 6 months and only if I feel I am up for rejection or finding out she has moved on. Though her excuse is she has never really been single so 6 months may be to little time. I plan to ask her to catch up over coffee (seems to be the typical first non date meetup)

 

That's me being honest with this forum, and myself even though breaking NC is a wrong thing to do.

 

Thing is we have partial contact but not directly with each other. I mean I kept her on MSN and Facebook and haven't hidden any info from her she see's what all see. I l am living my life as I would before I met her. I am not engaging in any status wars or contacting her in any way. I am friends with her sister and one of her good girl friends in which I talk with them every so often but never about the ex. ( I did before and that was the wrong move, they now respect that I can hold conversations without prying for information and if they bring her up I handle it well or ask them to change the subject) I can see my ex's msn statuses (They seem like bait messages) but she has blocked her facebook wall from me and my family. (Though she still has them friended and still has personal photos in which her and I are together in her albums and profile pictures) I won't lie I check this every once in awhile because I am sure if they are removed some one else is in the picture. I can face the fact if that happens because she has every right to as do I. I won't lie it will hurt but on some days as it is I go on telling myself she left me for another as sometimes it helps me through the days I know it's weird but I go with the negativity of well now she is some one else's problem and it gives me a short little sense of relief. I love her more than she does me that's why I am the dumpee.

 

I have the same plan as you, although 6 months seems sooo far away. Plus I can just imagine him having moved on by then.... plus I may not even feel the same way anymore! Who knows what will happen....

 

I had to delete him off facebook and msn (and delete his number), to control myself from contacting him! Also it's not pleasant seeing him add numerous girls on facebook, and seeing photos of him going out,looking like he's having a good time and happy, and surrounded by girls! It kills me....

Also we weren't friends before we were together, and he wanted me to leave him alone, so I've basically disappeared from his life. (Don't know if this is a good move or not!)

I also deleted photos of the two of us on facebook, because it's just memories that I don't want to be reminded of everytime I look at my page. I know what you mean about keeping the photos though and seeing if they delete them at any point.... I thought it would annoy him if I deleted them, because I was always the one to want photos of the two of us on there and he never did, so now he may wonder why I removed them all. Reverse psychology!

[Billie The Puppet]

I have the same plan as you, although 6 months seems sooo far away. Plus I can just imagine him having moved on by then.... plus I may not even feel the same way anymore! Who knows what will happen....

 

I had to delete him off facebook and msn (and delete his number), to control myself from contacting him! Also it's not pleasant seeing him add numerous girls on facebook, and seeing photos of him going out,looking like he's having a good time and happy, and surrounded by girls! It kills me....

Also we weren't friends before we were together, and he wanted me to leave him alone, so I've basically disappeared from his life. (Don't know if this is a good move or not!)

I also deleted photos of the two of us on facebook, because it's just memories that I don't want to be reminded of everytime I look at my page. I know what you mean about keeping the photos though and seeing if they delete them at any point.... I thought it would annoy him if I deleted them, because I was always the one to want photos of the two of us on there and he never did, so now he may wonder why I removed them all. Reverse psychology!

 

Bold: That's the point you want to be at to break NC if you plan on breaking No Contact. Of course there is fear that with every day he may move on but they have the moment they split with you not necessarily mean a relationship but life without you.

 

I saved the photos to a HD and untagged myself from all of them on my account, she still has them in her account plus has my family friended (I unfriended all hers except her sister) . Be careful with your chosen timing as I can see you plan to break NC. I plan for 6 months and I am not even 1 month in yet. That's if she has'nt by then.

 

I know I may run into her in that amount of time naturally or a little longer as I may help her sister move out.

[fabio10]

There is no one plan anyone can follow the dynamics between two people is unique and every sitiuation differs, also I dont think 6months is that long, what will really change in a mere 6months !!!!

 

I think Billie if your girl said she needs to be single then 6months will not be long enough it is just my opinion, if someone wants to be really single and its not just a lame excuse I think your talking a year to two years at least.

[Billie The Puppet]

There is no one plan anyone can follow the dynamics between two people is unique and every sitiuation differs, also I dont think 6months is that long, what will really change in a mere 6months !!!!

 

I think Billie if your girl said she needs to be single then 6months will not be long enough it is just my opinion, if someone wants to be really single and its not just a lame excuse I think your talking a year to two years at least.

 

Did you read what I wrote after 6 months? If I feel indifferent and it's not a lets get back together in a relationship thing. It's more like let's get coffee. I don't think I'll break it then.

 

I don't know if she really wants to be single it's a cliche break up line. I think she wants to appear single which is different. There's alot to the story I just need to realize we are through though she has strung me along too.

[fabio10]

If you feel indifferent you would not want to contact her in the first place !

[Billie The Puppet]

If you feel indifferent you would not want to contact her in the first place !

 

I don't see it that way. Right now I don't want to contact her and I am not indifferent.

 

When we first met I talked to her with indifference, then grew a relationship. Indifference to me is when and If I'll ever be able to meet up with her without having emotions take effect. So yes in a sense planning to break NC at 6 months is not a course of action and since that post things have changed. I'm just going to let things happen and right now I'll stick to NC as I have no reason to contact the ex.