New Separation.. not sure what to think

[PK66]

I am very sorry that we have to do this. I feel guilty for putting so much importance on my needs/wants that it means we all have to experience this. But again, that was one of the things the therapist said that I needed to work on... being selfish without feeling guilty. So I'm trying....

 

This drives me nuts too... Spending time on yourself isn't being selfish. It's knowing how to ask for time for yourself. Being selfish means not giving a damn about other people and putting your needs above others with total disregard for their feelings... She needs (as does my wife) to learn how to take care of themselves and how to let others know their needs without feeling guilty for having needs and desires, not learn to be "selfish." Being selfish and not feeling guilty is sociopathic...

 

Does your wife have a hard time expressing her emotions or needs clearly? or does she drop little hints and expect them to be decoded? I think a lot of women have a hard time clearly verbalizing their emotions to men. This causes half of the "communication" problems in most marriages. I know that my wife has never been clear in communicating what she wants or needs, and puts others ahead of herself. She then feels resentment that others haven't satisfied her needs and have only taken from her. Not sure what I can, or what you could do to help that except to try to encourage them to vocalize their needs and wants more, and to try to learn how to listen closer. Help them feel safe in opening up and expressing themselves.

[MemphisMan]

Are we married to the same woman???

 

 

 

 

This is the part I have a hard time with... What does spending time apart and never doing anything together do to bring you closer to someone??? It seems to me like a recipe for how to grow apart. I do get setting up some distance to go "time out" in, but the total lack of doing anything to work on the relationship and expecting it to have the result of rekindling feelings for your spouse... it seems like avoidance to me. You don't build a boat by going fishing...

 

You make some really good points. I think I may actually mention some this to her. I told her I was involved in a "support group." She may flat out agree or may make her think a bit. I told her today I would never forgive her if we separated for a time while attempting to do some soul searching then not even attempting to maybe start over, Acknowledge things we may or may not have done over the last 11+ years to place us in this situation. Dont get me wrong.. I have emotional issues as well. I was diagnosed with an anxiety and sleep disorder when i was 8 years old. I've been on anti-depressants for nearly 26 years. I've changed over the last decade as has evey other living being on Earth. Things I can improve as well.

[MemphisMan]

Nah, I'd just file for divorce. Having gone the bla, bla path, you can bla, bla while the divorce machinations are churning down at the courthouse. No one says you have to actually go through with it. Up to the two of you.

 

IMO, separation makes things 'easy'. It's easy to write wonderful e-mails, easy to say 'I love daddy', easy to be nice to each other, easy, easy. Why? Because you're not together anymore. Tons of space. No one in your space when you're taking a dump. Etc, Etc.

 

OP, is your MC a psychologist?

 

This is our 2nd separation in as many years with it going all-out this year by me moving out totally. I must admit that I have thought about serving her over the last week. But as you can probably guess.. I am afraid she would agree. What can I say. I'm 34yrs old.. we'ev dated/married for 17 years. I love the woman. I'm afraid it's for differ reasons than her.

 

As far as the MC.. I emailed him today because I was never told by him aboutthe affirmation of her needing to be selfish without guilt especially when the guy knew 2 young kids were involved. Especially with a relationship that.. except for the sex part.. was good. No abuse, infedility.. get along great.. finish each's sentences, etc. Kids are breaking my heart. I've had them the past 2 nights. They've been asleep for only 4 hours but I've gone into their room and watched them sleep twice already. They are my heart.

 

This hurts to admit...., there has been one time where after deep thought my kids were the reason I decided to give my mother my gun. The idea of "it" was crossing my mind too much.

[MemphisMan]

This drives me nuts too... Spending time on yourself isn't being selfish. It's knowing how to ask for time for yourself. Being selfish means not giving a damn about other people and putting your needs above others with total disregard for their feelings... She needs (as does my wife) to learn how to take care of themselves and how to let others know their needs without feeling guilty for having needs and desires, not learn to be "selfish." Being selfish and not feeling guilty is sociopathic...

 

Does your wife have a hard time expressing her emotions or needs clearly? or does she drop little hints and expect them to be decoded? I think a lot of women have a hard time clearly verbalizing their emotions to men. This causes half of the "communication" problems in most marriages. I know that my wife has never been clear in communicating what she wants or needs, and puts others ahead of herself. She then feels resentment that others haven't satisfied her needs and have only taken from her. Not sure what I can, or what you could do to help that except to try to encourage them to vocalize their needs and wants more, and to try to learn how to listen closer. Help them feel safe in opening up and expressing themselves.

 

yes my wife used t drop the subtle hints. But she would bottle up and get emotional on occasion. Things would improve then she would admit she didnt think changes could last forever. I routinely tell her im there for her. To please talk when she wants. Unfortunately, she confides in her best friend who herself is a divorced social worker who totally regrets the divorce now. Especially since the father was entitled full parental rights.

[MemphisMan]

[sIZE=2]Crap. i just spent 30 mins writing an update but apparently the site timed out when i hit submit reply. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I cant do it all again but to cut my 6 paragraphs short. Been doing NC. Last night we talked for the first time in over 2 weeks and the first time since our separation where we got in-depth about the situation. I seemed to really control the conversation for over a hour. We both were very truthful. Both said intimate things. She wants to see what type of person i become. I let her know in a way that is crap because she wont know me ever if we dont talk. Without flat out saying she seems to be talking to me differently as in someone she is interested in talking to.. as if she would rather be no where else during the converstaion. We agreed she has sent some mixed signals lately. At the end we offer that we both think of each other in initmate ways. She admits she has had to stop herself from calling me to come over.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Fast forward about 4 hours later..midnite..ive put kids in bed 3 hours before. Ive been drinking. I txt her and say this will be the only msg i send tonite if she is asleep i might seem like a big fool in the morning when she reads it. But.. I want her. im not turning my phone off. She txts she is out but 2 hours later she is at the door. she laughs and says it is a booty call. an hour later (lets just say after things were done and words i havent heard come out of her mouth since the more erotic days of our marriage) she asks to stay the nite. I let her. we wake up to the kids knocking at the door to where they are estatic to see mommy there. All 4 of us lay in bed for at least an hour goofing around, playing. Watching tv. It felt like xmas morning. She knows me and the kids have prior arrangements. We give each other a kiss goodbye. Both say I love you. Hour later she txt asking me to come over when my mom can watch the kids so I can help her insulate some "pipe" that we actually had planned on doing before we separated. Ended the txt with one of those kinky smiliey faces .I tell her im with the kids. She asks if I can change one of my work days this week. Same answer. No. so she says next Saturday will be the next available day and by then she will be ready for an encore of the nite before.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Later today she txt to tell me she ran into a local owner of an edible arrangements franchise at a jewelry party. She lets me know the woman can specifically remember orders sent to my wife in the past. She tells me she loves their products and if they ever received orders for her in the future there were somethings she would like differ. It was a blatent hint I believe. She is acting like a completely differ person. Someone I fell in love with years before.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Was it the sex? Was it the truth we told each other over the phone? Is it the NC im doing? Is it a combination of it all?? I am not going on as if we are getting back together. I want her to want me and it feels really good. I know there are still dark times ahead and maybe even divorce ultimately..but not something we are seeking now. I also let her know about the support group I was a part of (just didn’t give her a name and tell her it was online) and even told her things I’ve felt important from those offering advice here. She seemed a bit shocked to hear confidence coming out of me. I don’t think there would have been the sex hours later if I seemed the same sad, lonely person while we spoke for the first time.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I know tough times are ahead. Im going to keep the NC thing. Am I doing the right thing??[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

[jaylalib]

Hey what is the 180 Rule?

[carhill]

Hey what is the 180 Rule?

Google 'marriage builders 180 rule'

[MemphisMan]

Hey everyone--

 

I've enjoyed reading the board over the last 2 months. A hate that others are experiencing the same probs. but advice can be helpful.

 

To update from last time. Yes me and wife had a sexual encounter one evening after both having some alcohol at separate places. She spent the nite. Next morning with the kids actually felt good. Kiss goodbye. Havent seen her physically since the 10/10. We've talked on the phone once or twice since about times to get the kids or times when we wanted to speak to the kids. We've had our minor blowups but nothing major. Last week she even invited me to come out with her and the kids to karaoke. I declined saying I had plans while I really didnt. Was this wise?

 

I really want to tell her what I WANT but I feel she will say the same, "I don't think we've been apart enough." I even got the line, "You never know, you may be happier without me after awhile." Is there anything she is trying to say? Is she trying to let me down slowly for a divorce? She keeps saying we havent been apart enough. Enough to want each other back? Enough to know we want to be apart? This is really going to be tough as the holiday approaches. One thing I've told her is not to disrespect me as a man or father because my mother wants to spend time with the kids. We might go over for a cookout or just for the kids to ride bikes.

 

I am a RN and work with primarily females. Most at work say she is taking away my manliness. Well we arent looking for other relationships.. I havent been calling or txting. I havent been begging or pleading. How is she taking away my manliness? Or did I not have it to begin with?

 

It's been about 8 weeks....still confused.

[imagine]

Sorry bud, you have been emasculated.

 

Separation is nonsense. You are the husband and YOU need to make a decision about the separation.

 

You have seen "Fireproof" now read the Bible. The instruction that God give man is to love his wife. How can you do this when you are distant.

 

I challenge you in this: has she abandoned you save for a booty call.

 

You need to fight for your family. Do you know why you must fight? Quit psychotherapy. Work out where you need to go as a family. Do you know what her emotional needs are? (Check marriage builders emotional need chart)

 

Turn the tables and bring your own plan to the party.

[MemphisMan]

It seems if I do basically go after her after being prepared to meet her assumed needs... it may push her away farther?

 

Do I let this run it's course? Let her have her space until she has figured herself out?

[UntoldStory]

I'm the W in a fairly similar situation. For 11 years I have been pretty much the sole breadwinner. I am a natural take-charge type, lots of energy, doing pretty much everything to keep our lives going day to day. He is a lovely, sincere, depressed guy who has basically let me drive the whole time because he hasn't had a vision for his own life, so he's been ok accepting mine, for the most part.

 

This has worked for so long because it's been comfortable - I've been in control of everything, and he's been taken care of - him, and the 2 kids, and the dog. Problem is, no one's been taking care of me.

 

I own my role in letting the M get to a point where I am so unhappy and don't believe it can be fixed (we will be formally separating in a couple of weeks; he has an apt he's moving into), but I do have a lot of anger right now at him for not being able to man up and take a more active role, now that it's been almost a year since we've started discussing how lonely our M is.

 

In my case, yes, I did meet another guy who woke me up and made me realize, R's shouldn't be this hard, and that I should expect more from the man I choose to be with. It was an EA and it's basically over now since he isn't ready to leave his W. But that experience was the catalyst for my trying to shake my H into seeing everything we were missing.

 

My advice is, if you want her back, if she is the love of your life, and truly your best friend: 1) TELL HER in no incertain terms, don't play games; and 2) step up anything you can do to truly take care of her emotionally.

 

Sorry for the ramble, it's been a sleepless night!

[MemphisMan]

UntoldStory-----

 

Your experience do seem so similar to what is occuring with my marriage. She has in fact grown tired of being in-charge. Her Twitter page-- she describes herself as a "girlie-girl," but I have never known her to act that way in normal, everyday life. I am afraid. Afraid of telling her exactly what I want and feel and then ultimately being turned away or her feeling we've taken steps back in this confusing process.

 

Hopefully I can muster the courage to do so.

[UntoldStory]

UntoldStory-----

 

Your experience do seem so similar to what is occuring with my marriage. She has in fact grown tired of being in-charge. Her Twitter page-- she describes herself as a "girlie-girl," but I have never known her to act that way in normal, everyday life. I am afraid. Afraid of telling her exactly what I want and feel and then ultimately being turned away or her feeling we've taken steps back in this confusing process.

 

Hopefully I can muster the courage to do so.

 

MemphisMan - I'm a couple of glasses of wine into the evening, so forgive any typos or anything that doesn't make sense! But please, please, forget your fear. Tell her everything you want and feel. She is looking for action on your part, and also the words to match. Be a hero for her. If she doesn't want you, I *promise* you there will be someone who does. Don't accept less than you deserve, but also don't let a good thing get away out of fear of rejection.

 

Hope that all makes sense....

[MemphisMan]

MemphisMan - I'm a couple of glasses of wine into the evening, so forgive any typos or anything that doesn't make sense! But please, please, forget your fear. Tell her everything you want and feel. She is looking for action on your part, and also the words to match. Be a hero for her. If she doesn't want you, I *promise* you there will be someone who does. Don't accept less than you deserve, but also don't let a good thing get away out of fear of rejection.

 

Hope that all makes sense....

 

You write well considering the wine! ...seriously, My fear is grounded in her decision to end the marriage. I dont like being apart but at least now I know it's not totally over with. I THINK I can pretty much sum up if I were to let it all out to her.. more than likely she would say we havent spent enough time apart. I guess she would really be saying she hasnt made a decision, yet.

 

It is taking a chance because I dont know if she is at home angry or concerned about me not being man enough or taking a more active role. Honestly.. she would say I seem sincere but that she doesnt believe it will last. IDK anymore. Maybe i cant be the person she needs me to be. Maybe I need to get my ducks in a row before i open up.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

MemphisMan :

 

I am so very sorry to hear that your going through all of this. Normally I would "shoot from the hip" with a good snap back answer for you, but I can not do that here. Your little story has kind of touched "close to home" for me! By the very way you describe yourself, it kind of reminds me of me!

 

Funny you should say that you went into a marriage with some mental health issues, for that was also true in my case. From the "get-go" my ex-wife at the begging of our marriage wanted to make things as easy as possible on me, so that I wouldn't "freak out"! Within the first months of the marriage she became the "bill writer" and the "delegated" and assumed command.

 

Also interesting you should say that your wife currently associate's more with you as a "best friend" than a "husband"! This was also true in my case, in the last 2-3 years of my marriage, my ex-wife started to get mentally hung up on this point. In the final year of my marriage, my ex-wife more wanted to do things with me as a friend and not as a husband. This was all "well and wonderful" for a while! But as some here have said, it will eventually start to weigh on you. You will start having intense feelings of being disenfranchised, displaced and disassociated. Oh by the way did I say anything about "sex", that to will be a huge issue down the road. My ex-wife in the final year cut my a** off from the sex, she said things like it's not right for people who are now "just friends" to have sex, yeah she laid that head trip on me, didn't feel to good if you ask me.

 

Now currently, you see me using the reference of "ex-wife", needless to say things didn't work out. But there is a ray of light through the darkness of my situation, something that I'm rather proud of and maybe even in the darkest recess's of mind it feeds the ego. You used a term in one of your posts about how sometimes you are now "mysterious" to you wife! This is a very good thing, this might motivate her to research this new founded "air of mystery". But with me, close to 3 years after the divorce, about 3 years of getting counseling and religious help, I have done a 180 on myself.

 

I totally changed up my life, remodeled the house, changed my wardrobe, started treating myself right, taking more personal vacations, bought a new car, reading bone head books, meditating, Japanese swordsman classes each week, visits to my temple, meeting new friends, retaining my old friends, being more close to my family, this new founded me has totally made my ex-wife's head turn! "Zen your so different, you've turned into a real take charge kind of guy"! She likes these changes, she is baffled by them, she has even made the statement "Zen, I don't really know you anymore"! I feel this is what you need, you need to turn into some monster power house of a take charge kind of guy.

 

You've said that you feel like your wife no longer considers you a "peer" or maybe even an "equal", rise above it! Don't just work on yourself to be somebody's equal, work on yourself on the goal of being dominant! You say that your wife has a real "big wig" kind of job, a real powerful person in the company. Well I've learned that "like attracts like", I think your wife wants you acting like the big household C.E.O. or Company President, rather than just a common house husband. Think about it, it makes sense, she is attracted by power, she sought it out, she claimed it and now in the company is living in it! A lot of people out there misconstrue or misunderstand the word power. Power sometimes can be a good thing, when applied right. Power also needs to be moderated by the person possessing the power, as to not let it go to their heads. Also a very hard fact needs to be practicing when applying the skill of power, a person needs to be very conscientious of their ego's! But when power is applied with poise, balance and fairness, it can be a very "win-win" situation for all.

 

I know for me, that within these past 6 months or so, that my ex-wife has eluded to the fact that if another chance of a relationship, namely a marriage was ever on the table, she would swipe it up in a heart beat. She is very attracted to the person I have become, she wants this.............but she never will have it again, not with me at least. My ex-wife is acting like my new founded personal power is a flame, and she seems to be acting quite a bit like a moth! Trust me, I don't want her back, I'm only sighting my example as something that may help you before anyone is given the title of "ex-wife" or "ex-husband"! If this all is working for me, after the fact, again I didn't do all I have for my ex-wife, this example may work for you while there is still time.

 

Just give it some thought, either kick it where it burns and rise above it, as a person and husband. Or decide to keep things "as is" and see where you go with that.

 

"Man, just re-read this post, you must think I'm an egotistical a** hole, power hungry to no end."...............if anyone thinks this, you couldn't be any further from the truth!

[Steadfast]

You have received lots of advice here since you first posted, some of it conflicting. Male and female viewpoints. But remember; the opinions and advice given here is based 90% on personal experience. If you enlist a councilor, they will (impartially) treat your case by using methods that have worked in other cases. Regardless, every situation has its own unique twist, and yours is no different. The best *advice* is to take all this good advice and insight, weigh it out, then see what applies and what does not.

 

But, before you can take action concerning your marriage you have to determine what you want. I understand that you want the woman you love, but this is a choice only she can make. You have to make clear and make it a priority what you want. For yourself. You can only control you.

 

What do you want? To be in a loving relationship? Physical and mental health? Financial security? A good life for your children? Whatever those are apply yourself to that, then train your mind to stop wondering and worrying what your wife (ex, or otherwise) will think. It's just a guess, but I'd wager that fear is at the root of her attraction problem. Stop being afraid because fear or no fear, she's going to do what she wants. You don't need to be a fireman or a construction worker to be a man, you need the kind of self confidence that allows your decisions to manifest themselves into reality. To truly be happy and content, you must be happy with you; realizing and appreciating the joys that someone special can add to it.

 

I'm not you, but if I were I'd cut to the chase and simply tell your wife what you will, and will not accept. You have to! You can't decide for her and she can't decide for you. Even if you could do that, the relationship would be unbalanced. In simple terms, that won't work. Healthy relationship exists between two people with mutual attraction and respect. Understated, in my opinion, is understanding and accepting the others weaknesses. She either does, or doesn't. She either will, or she won't. it's shouldn't be that hard.

 

My guess is she knows how you feel about her, but if you think there's any doubt, tell her again. Want to know when you've said the same thing too many times? When the person you're talking to responds "I know". At that point, stop saying it. All you can do is get yourself together, focus on your direction, and see if your wife wants to be a part of it again. Try to learn from your mistakes.

 

Finally, don't expect an answer right away. Give her a chance to absorb what you stated, then -as a way of example- treat her with respect and kindness. That's isn't kissing her ass, it's presenting her with the facts, then taking action. No games, no bitterness, no manipulation. She is your wife and the mother of your kids, so it is worth your time to invest. Still, know that couples do not work out their problems living apart. If you're apart, you aren't a couple. Simple as that. Real love will not be denied.

Edited October 30, 2010 by Steadfast

[MemphisMan]

Zen, Steadfast-- thx a lot for replying. It was very easy to read.. simpleton terms. I do believe my wife knows what i want and it could indeed be an issue that is still causing her to waver on her wants and needs. I havent spoke with her in nearly 3 weeks. Of course this is the longest time in the 17 years weve dated and been married.

 

I am past the daily emotional struggle asking myself "why." I know I have entered the ANGRY stage. So because of this anger I do avoid any verbal contact. txt msgs seem suffice.

 

Anyway.. yea my wife wants to see how Richard (me =) ) will handle life out on his own. I think she is curious about what goes on but I get so upset when she questions what i do with the kids. I need to stand up and tell her that me and the kids have our unique ways of entertainment and bonding. It doesnt have to be high priced events. Heck, we enjoy going to the park to play just about as much as anything.

 

But as time has passed and especially in the last2 weeks it has hit home with me that i am still doing things with the kids or behaving in a way I know would please her. It's hard to flip a switch and tell myself to do something for me.

 

I really value everyone's opinion because it genuinely helps. there are no agendas or physicians wanting to know about my relationship with my mother. But i do need help with me. Maybe professionally. I just cant seem to get past the point where I am living for me and the kids alone. Ya know when i was a pledge in my fraternity 15 years ago they instilled priorities into us. School, Fraternity, Self. Seems I am still using the same motto. Now.. Kids/Wife, ....maybe Self on occasion.

 

Thx yall.

[gemmie]

Hi MemphisMan, I totally agree with Zen and Steadfast, you should read their responses 10 times each. It's at the point now where your wife is playing with and testing your emotions. You need to set a time limit for your separation - say 6 months total. If not, she could have it running into years, holding you at bay until she finally decides what she wants.

 

Take the ball off her and RUN with it. Always love your kids, but become independent. Don't answer all of her texts or emails. Ignore her some to most of the time (unless its an emergency or involving the kids). Go out for drinks with workmates, or join a fun course like cooking or art. Let her have a real time separation, and not think of her 24/7.

 

I know it's hard. My husband walked out 3 weeks ago. He told me he wants to be friends. No, he can't have his cake and eat it too, I'm stronger than that and deserve better than that because I have given him 100% loyalty and love. So do you. Like others have said - what do YOU want? Is her treatment ok for you? It sounds like leftovers to me. At some point, you will need to decide what you want for yourself.

 

One other thing from the most amazing divorce/relationship book I'm reading - please don't allow your answer to be driven by denial or fear. I'm scared for my future too, but rest assured, I'd rather be scared alone, than with someone who no longer loves me the way I do him.

 

Best of luck and keep us informed!!

[The-Zen-Warrior]

But, before you can take action concerning your marriage you have to determine what you want. I understand that you want the woman you love, but this is a choice only she can make. You have to make clear and make it a priority what you want. For yourself. You can only control you.

 

I will chime in here again, see what forum member Steadfast has said here. He in not so many words is talking about what I had done, the power word I described earlier. He is sighting an example of taking back your personal power in this situation. Giving it back to yourself, or not letting it go to anyone else, until such time that you know what it is that you wish to do. Control of ones self, talk about personal power! Self control is one of the hardest skills to practice, never to say to master. You need to be in control of your personal power, in regards to your wants, needs, wishes, dreams and the like.

 

 

I'm not you, but if I were I'd cut to the chase and simply tell your wife what you will, and will not accept.

 

Steadfast has hit the nail on the head again! In order to respect your personal power, or ones life, one must sometimes be firm in what a person "wants" or does "not want"! Respecting ones self also entails what a person "will accept" and what they "won't accept". Don't beat around the bush, run laps with information or monkey around with your wife, be true, be firm but also be fair. Talk to her, but before you do, I would strongly advise that you sit down with yourself and really do some soul searching. In your mind, try to work on defining what it is that you "will accept" and will "not accept" from you wife. After your thoughts on this matter are clear, use those answers to define your "boundaries", and then go into a conversation with your wife, on the premise of staying within your boundaries, not her's. Don't let her toy with you, don't let her be little the conversation, don't let her try to buy in to much by trying to take a quick inventory on you, as to try and predict where you might be going with it all. Keep the conversation as clean as possible, no real cuss words, keep the information clear and unclouded. Again, I strongly recommend that you only have this conversation with your wife, until you have accomplished the first quote above, about personal power and self control and treating ones self right.

 

Finally, don't expect an answer right away. Give her a chance to absorb what you stated, then -as a way of example- treat her with respect and kindness.

 

This fact that Steadfast has brought up is a good point, give her a chance to soak it all in, give her a chance to figure this out on her own, on her own time frame. This example also plays into the good ole power word. By giving her the power of choice to make up her won mind after your conversation, this could go a long way as to showing her that you are a work in progress and are indeed changing for the better. Don't be a suck up, a kiss a** or bottom feeder, maintain your power by staying in control. One wrong "flinch" here could be devastating. Just give her space, time and a reasonable amount of understanding, this just might add to that new founded "air of mystery" you mentioned in a prior post. This might draw your wife out and she might act like the moth, to your new founded flame of mystery and personal power.

 

Please keep us here updated, I'm very curious to see how all this plays out!

Edited October 31, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[MemphisMan]

I will chime in here again, see what forum member Steadfast has said here. He in not so many words is talking about what I had done, the power word I described earlier. He is sighting an example of taking back your personal power in this situation. Giving it back to yourself, or not letting it go to anyone else, until such time that you know what it is that you wish to do. Control of ones self, talk about personal power! Self control is one of the hardest skills to practice, never to say to master. You need to be in control of your personal power, in regards to your wants, needs, wishes, dreams and the like.

 

 

 

 

Steadfast has hit the nail on the head again! In order to respect your personal power, or ones life, one must sometimes be firm in what a person "wants" or does "not want"! Respecting ones self also entails what a person "will accept" and what they "won't accept". Don't beat around the bush, run laps with information or monkey around with your wife, be true, be firm but also be fair. Talk to her, but before you do, I would strongly advise that you sit down with yourself and really do some soul searching. In your mind, try to work on defining what it is that you "will accept" and will "not accept" from you wife. After your thoughts on this matter are clear, use those answers to define your "boundaries", and then go into a conversation with your wife, on the premise of staying within your boundaries, not her's. Don't let her toy with you, don't let her be little the conversation, don't let her try to buy in to much by trying to take a quick inventory on you, as to try and predict where you might be going with it all. Keep the conversation as clean as possible, no real cuss words, keep the information clear and unclouded. Again, I strongly recommend that you only have this conversation with your wife, until you have accomplished the first quote above, about personal power and self control and treating ones self right.

 

 

 

This fact that Steadfast has brought up is a good point, give her a chance to soak it all in, give her a chance to figure this out on her own, on her own time frame. This example also plays into the good ole power word. By giving her the power of choice to make up her won mind after your conversation, this could go a long way as to showing her that you are a work in progress and are indeed changing for the better. Don't be a suck up, a kiss a** or bottom feeder, maintain your power by staying in control. One wrong "flinch" here could be devastating. Just give her space, time and a reasonable amount of understanding, this just might add to that new founded "air of mystery" you mentioned in a prior post. This might draw your wife out and she might act like the moth, to your new founded flame of mystery and personal power.

 

Please keep us here updated, I'm very curious to see how all this plays out!

 

Thx Gemmie and Zen..

 

Had a great time with the kids last nite. Saw my wife for 1st time in 3 weeks. Cordial conversation. Nothing about relationship discussed. Kids were reason I was at the house.

 

Is it wise to put a time limit? I really understand both sides of the opinion. I'm confused, unsure. I need a personal inventory. I know she went out last nite..no telling where. I txtd her about something cute the kids did at the zoo last nite but she never responded and she is the type to have her blackberry on her 24/7.

 

It's been nearly 2 months since I moved out. Time to discuss what I want and dont want? She has so much damn control it's sickening.

[MemphisMan]

Gemmie-- can you tell me what book you are currently reading that is helping you so much?

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Thx Gemmie and Zen..

 

Had a great time with the kids last nite. Saw my wife for 1st time in 3 weeks. Cordial conversation. Nothing about relationship discussed. Kids were reason I was at the house.

 

Is it wise to put a time limit? I really understand both sides of the opinion. I'm confused, unsure. I need a personal inventory. I know she went out last nite..no telling where. I txtd her about something cute the kids did at the zoo last nite but she never responded and she is the type to have her blackberry on her 24/7.

 

It's been nearly 2 months since I moved out. Time to discuss what I want and dont want? She has so much damn control it's sickening.

 

In my personal opinion, I feel you are no where close to being ready to have any type of logical and or objective conversation with your wife. My personal feeling is, that your wheels have not yet gained traction, to speed you down the road of life. You ask about "time limits", didn't we already go over that in my latest "long winded" post? I don't think trying to operate on a premise of "time limits" is a good thing for you, right about now. This would defeat the purpose of getting your head on straight first, then engaging your wife in conversation. Unless you feel like you are 10 feet tall and bullet proof and can eat lightning and crap thunder, if not, I wouldn't try right now.

 

You say it's been almost 2 months since you moved out! I hate to burst your bubble here, but 2 months time, most would just consider that a drop in the bucket. May I ask, what you have been doing for yourself within these past couple months? Have we been soul searching ,have we been reading self help books ,have we been getting plenty of exercise you know a healthy body make for a healthy mind! Have we been talking and seeking instruction for anyone who represents a higher power? Have we been busy talking with friends & family about your current situation and being open to their response? In my opinion, 2 months time is not enough time to accomplish all that I have spoke of.

 

Don't sell yourself short! Remember you are the only you you get for the rest of your life, why sell that off short! If it was me, I wouldn't be so concerned about trying to get all of this done by a certain "time limit". Self growth, self exploration and self awareness comes in time. 2 months again is no where close to being ready, unless you live your life by an accelerated curve, if not, your not ready. I know a little something about what I'm talking about. I have gone through it myself, I was no where close to being ready to engage someone in deep meaningful and intellectual and logical and objective conversation at my 2 month mark, after my divorce. It took me being alone for approx. 6-9 months before I started to move myself in the right direction.

 

And I'm still, at almost the 3 year mark of being on my own after a divorce, I'm still not finished with my self growth, self explorations and self awareness, no where close, I feel that I have just begun to scratch the surface. I really hated to throw that out, that at the 3 year mark I'm really getting it into gear, but it's true. This time for you being alone could last quite a long time. You could be like me, 3 years of being alone or on your own may be what it takes to get you to a point where you could then better deal with all you are dealing with. "Time limits", come on here, lets be real. It would be unsafe and or unrealistic for you to presume that there are implemented time limits, for you to work on yourself until such time that you will then be able to deal with your marriage.

 

Take it easy, slow down, don't be in so much of a rush to get things done, and get things handled or more importantly to get things fixed! It is a fact that a lot of self help books and therapists and the like know that there is an inherent drive within most adult males to want to fix things! They say that men are natural born fixers, they want to fix this, they want to fix that ect. ect. ect. In this case, your going to have to find some way to let go of that inherent need that dwells within your D.N.A. to fix things, namely your wife and or marriage, at this time. You are going to have to go against the grain here, and only concentrate on you, no one else but just you!

 

And your issue about your wife having so much damn control that it makes you sick! Don't worry about that, that's none of your concern right now. How much of how little control your wife currently has is irrelevant! After these 2 months, if you were truly ready to deal with all this "head on" and you were truly "grounded" and you truly have "changed" and were "self aware" and "secure in yourself" and were "practicing the skill of being neutral", than nothing your wife is currently doing should have that much of an effect on you. You are not ready!

 

Also you said something, and this will be the last example I sight here, you said this......

 

"I really understand both sides of the opinion"

 

Really, you understand both sides of the coin here? Think about that one long and hard, do you really understand? I would feel it safe to say, that someone who has not yet invested the proper time in ones own understanding of his side of the coin, truly, doesn't have a good grasp on what is on both sides of the coin of life. Slow down, that as my Temple Master would say, was a foolish statement! You barely understand you right now, how the heck are you going to totally understand her right now? Deal with you first, incorporating your child into that scenario, just deal with you and the kid only.

 

"Time limits" as you say! Might as well drop that notion right here, and right now. For sometimes people who do what you are doing right now, they would tell you that it can in some cases it could turn out to be a permanent thing. Remember "long term separations" and or "divorces" are not the end of the world! For some, it wasn't until those "long term separations" and or "divorces" until their lives truly began! Live life for you, only have family dealings with your child and no one else. Leave your wife out of the picture, no more cute and or funny text messages to your wife, leave it alone. I would strongly advise, that until you have your head on straight about all aspects of this situation, that you go "no contact" with your wife, only breaking no contact when it has something to do with your child.

 

Can't really fix you, when you keep throwing yourself into the fold.....

 

 

Think about it......

[gemmie]

Gemmie-- can you tell me what book you are currently reading that is helping you so much?

I'm reading Rebuilding - When your Relationship Ends by Dr Bruce Fisher. It's based on divorce, but the information inside is for EVERYONE - even couples and singles. Good luck with it all.

[MemphisMan]

I'm reading Rebuilding - When your Relationship Ends by Dr Bruce Fisher. It's based on divorce, but the information inside is for EVERYONE - even couples and singles. Good luck with it all.

 

Thx.. I will check it out.

[MemphisMan]

In my personal opinion, I feel you are no where close to being ready to have any type of logical and or objective conversation with your wife. My personal feeling is, that your wheels have not yet gained traction, to speed you down the road of life. You ask about "time limits", didn't we already go over that in my latest "long winded" post? I don't think trying to operate on a premise of "time limits" is a good thing for you, right about now. This would defeat the purpose of getting your head on straight first, then engaging your wife in conversation. Unless you feel like you are 10 feet tall and bullet proof and can eat lightning and crap thunder, if not, I wouldn't try right now.

 

You say it's been almost 2 months since you moved out! I hate to burst your bubble here, but 2 months time, most would just consider that a drop in the bucket. May I ask, what you have been doing for yourself within these past couple months? Have we been soul searching ,have we been reading self help books ,have we been getting plenty of exercise you know a healthy body make for a healthy mind! Have we been talking and seeking instruction for anyone who represents a higher power? Have we been busy talking with friends & family about your current situation and being open to their response? In my opinion, 2 months time is not enough time to accomplish all that I have spoke of.

 

Don't sell yourself short! Remember you are the only you you get for the rest of your life, why sell that off short! If it was me, I wouldn't be so concerned about trying to get all of this done by a certain "time limit". Self growth, self exploration and self awareness comes in time. 2 months again is no where close to being ready, unless you live your life by an accelerated curve, if not, your not ready. I know a little something about what I'm talking about. I have gone through it myself, I was no where close to being ready to engage someone in deep meaningful and intellectual and logical and objective conversation at my 2 month mark, after my divorce. It took me being alone for approx. 6-9 months before I started to move myself in the right direction.

 

And I'm still, at almost the 3 year mark of being on my own after a divorce, I'm still not finished with my self growth, self explorations and self awareness, no where close, I feel that I have just begun to scratch the surface. I really hated to throw that out, that at the 3 year mark I'm really getting it into gear, but it's true. This time for you being alone could last quite a long time. You could be like me, 3 years of being alone or on your own may be what it takes to get you to a point where you could then better deal with all you are dealing with. "Time limits", come on here, lets be real. It would be unsafe and or unrealistic for you to presume that there are implemented time limits, for you to work on yourself until such time that you will then be able to deal with your marriage.

 

Take it easy, slow down, don't be in so much of a rush to get things done, and get things handled or more importantly to get things fixed! It is a fact that a lot of self help books and therapists and the like know that there is an inherent drive within most adult males to want to fix things! They say that men are natural born fixers, they want to fix this, they want to fix that ect. ect. ect. In this case, your going to have to find some way to let go of that inherent need that dwells within your D.N.A. to fix things, namely your wife and or marriage, at this time. You are going to have to go against the grain here, and only concentrate on you, no one else but just you!

 

And your issue about your wife having so much damn control that it makes you sick! Don't worry about that, that's none of your concern right now. How much of how little control your wife currently has is irrelevant! After these 2 months, if you were truly ready to deal with all this "head on" and you were truly "grounded" and you truly have "changed" and were "self aware" and "secure in yourself" and were "practicing the skill of being neutral", than nothing your wife is currently doing should have that much of an effect on you. You are not ready!

 

Also you said something, and this will be the last example I sight here, you said this......

 

"I really understand both sides of the opinion"

 

Really, you understand both sides of the coin here? Think about that one long and hard, do you really understand? I would feel it safe to say, that someone who has not yet invested the proper time in ones own understanding of his side of the coin, truly, doesn't have a good grasp on what is on both sides of the coin of life. Slow down, that as my Temple Master would say, was a foolish statement! You barely understand you right now, how the heck are you going to totally understand her right now? Deal with you first, incorporating your child into that scenario, just deal with you and the kid only.

 

"Time limits" as you say! Might as well drop that notion right here, and right now. For sometimes people who do what you are doing right now, they would tell you that it can in some cases it could turn out to be a permanent thing. Remember "long term separations" and or "divorces" are not the end of the world! For some, it wasn't until those "long term separations" and or "divorces" until their lives truly began! Live life for you, only have family dealings with your child and no one else. Leave your wife out of the picture, no more cute and or funny text messages to your wife, leave it alone. I would strongly advise, that until you have your head on straight about all aspects of this situation, that you go "no contact" with your wife, only breaking no contact when it has something to do with your child.

 

Can't really fix you, when you keep throwing yourself into the fold.....

 

 

Think about it......

 

Wow, where to begin.. thx for taking the time to write again. It is well appreciated. This will be the post I read over and over. You are totally right. I read other's post about time limits and taking control and get charged up. I'm not ready. Even though the last 2 months have seemed to last much longer I understand this can go on and on.. maybe in a totally differ direction. I might understand it but need to face it I suppose. As far as txting and even communications.. children are the only reason we do those things and mostly txting.

 

In the last 11 years of my marriage I never seemed to focus on me. My daily life was too concerned about what others needed or what i needed to accomplish for the day ahead. I think this is the main reason I'm having troubles being on my own even at the age of 34. I've only recently noticed that i might see something I would like to buy but my natural instinct says, "what would (insert name here) think?" Do i need it that bad? Not just material things. Certain behaviors or attitudes. I guess to quote Jim Morrison, "I am a liar...I'm afraid."

 

I certainly don't want to travel the path of Morrison but maybe I am not the person my wife needs. Maybe I am who I am. Maybe I am a pushover. Not everyone needs to hold the up the wall, ya know? Or is that giving up? For lack of better words, "The world needs ditch diggers too."

 

IDK.. having some free time at the hospital now so I am rambling. It's funny..adrenaline. I am a completely differ person on the ICU floor. I'm confident and able.. One small step for me is getting off the graveyard shift I've been on for 3 years. I need some resemblance to a 9-5 day. For me.. for the kids.. everything.

 

Books.. I will take any recommendations. I've read a total of 5-6 since this time last year. Last one was Getting the Love You Want. I think was the name. I know.. hard for someone to love you when quite often you don't think much of yourself.