elsa Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 I am deeply in love with two men, I love them both equally strong and cannot be happy without either one of them. I suppose it is not normal, but what can I do? They both love me, but I will have to choose between them, and this breaks my heart. Whoever I choose, I will miss the other person and be miserable, and more so knowing that I hurt him. Has anybody ever felt that way? Is there anything I can do? Sometimes I think, that all I need is some peace, I am so tired of these feelings, that bring me so much pain. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Do they know about each other? I've not been in this position myself but I once read an article about women who lived with two men, usually the arrangement had originated from an open relationship. I'd say this is fairly unusual and most people would want you to make a choice. If you have not felt like this for long then your feelings may resolve one way or the other, treat each with honesty and sit it out as long as possible. If you have felt like this for a while then maybe it would be best to take a break from both relationships to give yourself some space in which to make your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 I "thought" I was in this position a little over a year ago. I was dating one guy for about 3 months and was best friends with this other one and we just fell in love. I thought I was in love with my boyfriend and my friend. Then I did some soul searching and realized that I was only truly in love with my best friend. After much heartache and pain, I left my boyfriend for my best friend and the rest is history. We're still together, living together now, and loving every minute of our lives together. With two loves, you obviously don't get fufilled by one man only. Maybe you need to do some soul searching and see what man would be right for you. By the way, what are the circumstances behind all of this? How long have you known these men? Are you dating both of them at the same time and do they know about one another? Link to post Share on other sites
elsa Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 They know about each other, one is my ex, the other one is someone I know for 6 months. But they don't know that I have feelings for both. I certainly would be happy to be able to live with both, but I don't think that will happen, because the new man is probably not going to like that, I am afraid even to mention that, because he can leave. Besides my ex lives far away and is not willing to move, he wants me to move. That would mean to go there with my new man and to have some struggle with jobs, all for being next to my ex. And I would do that, I am just not sure if this arrangement will last. My new man is a little jealous too. How I ended up this way is, that when I already had a relationship with the new man, my ex, who showed me much attention before, but I treated him more like a friend, he told me he loved me. And the truth is, my feelings for him never died, they were there all the time, and I didn't realize that. At the same time I do love the new man, very much. I've always kept contact with my ex, and may be I need him more than I thought before. He is always there, and may be that's why I didn't give much importance to this relationship. Our marriage wasn't very good, but he changed since then to the better. The problem is, in my mind and in my heart I moved on, and gave it all to the new relationship, but when he came back, it turned out, I do love him too. I feel loosing him would be like loosing one of my family. But I am not able simply to forget everything and go back to him. And waiting for a long time away from them, thinking about it, means that they can find somebody else in the meantime. I always thought, that when your true love comes, you will know it. And now, this is such a turmoil, I wish there was a solution to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 I think this is often a problem when a person moves from one relationship to the next too quickly. Maybe it would be best to tell BOTH of them that you are having a very confusing time with your feelings and need a break. That is about the only way you can fairly and honestly make a decision. There is always a chance neither one is completly what you need or want. Staying with either one of them when you still have feelings for the other one.....is a red flag. It's potentially hurtful for everyone involved...plus you will never feel 100% happy. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Yes I would take a break from both, it needn't be for long, to allow yourself space in which to make a decision. It does sound to me as though you are simply struggling to let the old relationship go, the comfort, the history. Link to post Share on other sites
elsa Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 I am wondering, is it possible that after 7 years of marriage, during which my ex never acted like he was in love, now, after the divorce, he says he loves me and how he dreams to be with me, and he acts this way. All these years I was there and didn't feel loved by him, and now suddenly I am. Can it ever happen this way? Did he see something in me now, that he didn't see before? It just seems a little bit unreal to me, such a change. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Elsa, What you just said, spells it all out. Your ex-husband didn't act like he loved you for 7 years, but now after the divorce he's singing a different tune? The chances that he had an ephiphany and realized he loves you, is rare. He probably sees you happy with this other man and feels intimidated (a shot to the ego) because he couldn't make you feel that way when you were married. That is the fuel that is firing him up to try and "win" you back. I would just let the past die. If you did take him back, he would "win" and then the challenge is gone and he would fall back into his previous behavior. Maybe you're also caught up in the chase? Do you TRULY love this man? I think you should stick with the guy you have now. He's treated you nice without having a reason to do it. He does it because he probably truly loves you. I would stay with the good man. You got divorced for a reason. Don't let those reasons get thrown to the wayside. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 I am wondering, is it possible that after 7 years of marriage, during which my ex never acted like he was in love, now, after the divorce, he says he loves me and how he dreams to be with me, and he acts this way. All these years I was there and didn't feel loved by him, and now suddenly I am. Can it ever happen this way? Did he see something in me now, that he didn't see before? It just seems a little bit unreal to me, such a change. Yes I think you are wise not to take him at face value. At the very least you would need to fully understand the reason for the change. Maybe he loves you but had trouble expressing it (would he now be able to do so if he lived with you?), maybe he does not like living alone and misses you - there could be any number of reasons but you would need to be clear what the problem was and that it has actually been resolved. 7 years is a long time to be in a bad relationship. If you have a gut instinct about which would make you happier I'd go with it. If not then you need to weigh up the positives and negatives. One relationship has a bad track record, the other offers a fresh start but is riskier in that you do not know each other so well. Both have potential. The only thing I think you should try and discount when making a decision is the tendency we all have to remain within our comfort zone. Change is hard but rewarding, we grow as people through change. Link to post Share on other sites
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