never feel quite good enough

[robin]

i don't know how to start this,i hope it don't get to long tho. i have been with this guy for over two years, we are both 43. he has this way of taking little jabs at me about my fears, phobias and introverted ways. for example, i hate flying and refuse, so he will say something about not being able to go to cancun. i don't like being around alot of people, so he may say something like too bad you don't like crowds we could go to the horse races. or i don't like swimming so he may say, i wish you liked water so we could go to the pool. and on and on it goes. now i don't make him stay with me, he says he does cause he loves me. there are things i do that he don't like, like yard sales, malls, computer, certain kinds of music. sure i am an introvert and i prefer quiet time alone with him rather then loud bars, crowds and airplanes. so why do i feel so quilty? i feel like i just can't measure up to his expectations and i am reminded of it when i don't need to be. why does he do this to me? i try to tell him this is the way i am, take it or leave it, yet he has changed so much to accomodate for my inwardness. like not staying too long at family functions, driving to our vacation spots, instead of flying, not drinking as much or just going out one day a week versus seven. etc. he has sacrificed alot for me and i do feel bad and selfish. but he hurts me everytime he points these things out to me. is he trying to challenge me to help me? like today, i am very tired hot and had house cleaning to do and he wanted to go to the movie the x-men. i said i was tired and didn't want to go. so he says i'll go with my brother then, but he says it as a threat. he knows i want to go, but not today and he has been waiting two weeks to go, what's one more day. we hardly if ever do anything seperately, and we both like it that way, we choose it that way. but lately i'm wondering if i'm not the right one for him, and he stays with me cause he loves me then why does he want to hurt me with his words? i hurt already.

[Tony T]

He does this mostly out of complete stupidity and ignorance. Not until after his death will he ever be able to understand the complete horror you go through at the thought of flying, being in crowds, being around water, etc. There are many people who have no empathy and are simply far too ignorant to be able to try to understand the feelings of others with your phobias.

 

I assume you have tried to make him understand and have been unsuccessful. Because he is so ignorant, I can only assume that he brings these things up in order to build his own self esteem, which has to be very low as a result of his stupidity.

 

Any way you slice it, this man is out to try to make YOU feel bad. I don't think you can have a relationship with someone who does not understand very important aspects of your personality. You have lived with these fears for a long time and suffer with them on a daily basis. I'm sure you've had to give up many opportunities to travel and do other things with friends as a result. You don't need to be put down by your guy and made to suffer even more.

 

You wonder if you're the right one for him...fffeewwweeeeyyy. HE IS NOT THE RIGHT MAN FOR YOU!!! You need a decent man, and there are many, that will accept you for who you are and those aspects of your personality that make you who you are. You don't need someone to put you down for those things for which you already suffer sufficiently. Tell him to get out of your life NOW!!!

 

Some phobias are very treatable with various techniques, including combinations of prescription medications and systematic desensitizaion. That involves the very gradual exposure to that which you fear. Phobias are highly irrational but to a person's mind they are very real threats. Congitively you know that airplanes are extremely safe overall, but being cooped up in a small metal tube 35,000 feet in the air in simply not where you want to be. You also know being amidst a thousand people is very survivable but in that situation, you simply can't get away quick enough for your liking.

 

These situations are scary for you. There are many things in your background, particularly your childhood, that have brought you to where you are now. Forty-three is still very young and I hope you will consider getting professional help to overcome, or at least minimize, some of your fears. Also know that there are millions of people, otherwise perfectly normal, who will not travel on airplanes. You are NOT alone.

 

I wish you great luck in working on your phobias. And even more luck on finding someone who is not a worthless jerk with no regard for your feelings. The guy you have now is the pitts for bringing things up he knows will hurt you.

[Ajay]

You said "he has sacrificed alot for me". Has he really? It seems to me like you are sacrificing way too much for him (your self worth for example).

 

If he is deliberately putting you down, which he is, you'll NEVER feel quite good enough. People who pull that kind of crap are just trying to feel better about themselves. He says he loves you, but if he did, he would be far more understanding of you (and your phobias) and your feelings.

 

Lose the jerk before you lose any more of yourself...