wearing your ring after separating

[jogo]

I've recently separated from my husband (about a month ago). We have a 10 year old child. Our marriage has been very distant and I've had to live with his drinking problem for more than 15 years. I've been unhappy for years. I still love him as a friend and want him to continue parent my child because he is a wonderful father.

 

I met and fell in love with another man about 6 months ago. My life has changed so much since then, and it has given me the strength to leave my husband. We have a long distance relationship and he plans to move to my town and start a new life with me in the spring. He is sincere because he has already started to do the things he needs to do to make the move.

 

It has been less than a month since my husband has moved out, and I am still wearing my wedding band and engagement ring. My boyfriend has recently asked me if I am wearing the rings (I take them off when I see him which is about once a month). I told him yes and have hurt him deeply.

 

I do not know why I have not yet removed the rings from my finger. My feelings as a wife for my husband have died--I am certain of that. I cherish the freedom I now have and do not have any regrets about the separation. Even if I did not have a new love, I know I would have eventually separated--it just was not working out for me.

 

Are you supposed to take off the rings once you move apart from each other? Is it strange that I cannot seem to take that step just yet? It doesn't feel wrong to take them off when I am with my boyfriend--it's the opposite, it feels right. I think I am afraid of what my child would think and others around me once I remove the rings. Any advice or suggestions on this would be so greatly appreciated.

[carla]

Maybe your still holding onto a little hope of what it use to be. You will take them off when your good and ready. I don't think that your bf should push you. When your secure in your new relationship you will feel the freedom from your ex to take them off. My bf wore his wedding band for about 3 months after we started dating. I didn't say anything. Yes I was hurt, but I figured that after a 10 year marriage he has to over come alot of feelings and emotions b4 he's ready to take it off. The day that I did comment about his band was the day that I noticed that he wasn't wearing it, and I congratulated him for being able to take that next step. From that point on he seemed more secure with us as a couple and seemed like a happier and more confedent person.

[quankanne]

maybe subconsciously, you still recognize yourself as still married (no grey areas -- you're either married or divorced or single) so you don't feel uncomfortable wearing it.

 

my vote goes with carla's: wear your bands as long as you feel comfortable with wearing them and you're not "bound" to another. Maybe once your divorce comes through, you'll feel "right" about putting them away for your child to later have; maybe you'll still want to wear them for a while, until you get accustomed to the fact that you're no longer married to your husband. But either which way, the decision is yours and your BF needs to respect that.

[Par for the course]

I'm confused about this issue too. I separated from my W after I had an internet "one night stand" sort of thing and she discovered it. No physical contact or even emotional contact, but still an affair I guess. Feeling guilt and shame over what I did, I agreed to move out. I've since come to think that might have been a mistake, but that's another story. Tonight was our second wedding anniversary, and I did a little arm twisting (just was persistant about asking, really), and we went out to dinner with her six-year old daughter. Since we separated, I've noticed my W never wears her wedding ring. I never really questioned why, I felt it was obvious. Me being the unfaithful spouse and never wanted to end the marriage, I've never had a thought about taking my ring off.

 

Tonight though, I noticed my W was wearing her wedding ring! Of course, she didn't get me a card, or a gift (I bought her a gift anyway), and she never mentioned the significance of the date. All of that hurt me, of course, but I don't feel it is productive in the least to talk about these things. I think it comes across as me acting needy, selfish, and perhaps trying to use guilt to get back what I want (our family together again). But I did notice her wearing the ring, and it made me happy.

 

Until I noticed that she was wearing it on the RIGHT (i.e. wrong) hand.

 

Not knowing anything more of the story than this, what would some of you think about the meaning or significance of this? I don't attach much to it, quite honestly, because of her wearing it on the wrong hand. My guess is that she likes the ring (I know she does love it from a purely materialistic standpoint), and I suppose she figures this is a way to wear it without showing me that there IS any significance to her wearing it.

 

Do you agree with my assessment? Or am I perhaps just thinking too much?

 

I suppose I will ask her about it over the next few days, but I let it pass tonight without comment. But it sure got me to thinking.

 

Thanks.