LDR bf has a new female best friend in Army

[madjac74]

I do understand how you feel. I would probably be jealous also. But not for fear of them getting together. It would be jealousy that I didn't get to spend the time with my SO.

 

 

I agree with this. But I have often times felt envious of anyone who gets to spend a great deal of time with my GF whether they be a guy or a girl. I can't dwell on it or let it consume me because that doesn't do anyone any good. And I know that she has felt the same way. And I also realize that they don't get to be with her the way that I get to be with her and that even when she is with them I always have her attention.

[skydiveaddict]

 

 

 

They're going to be deployed together in Afghanistan, go to airborne school together,

 

 

This seems strange to me. Airborne units are combat units and closed to women. I could be wrong, but I've never heard of a woman in an airborne unit

[aerogurl87]

This seems strange to me. Airborne units are combat units and closed to women. I could be wrong, but I've never heard of a woman in an airborne unit

 

I'm not very knowledgeable on the military but I could've sworn combat units were separated by sex also. I know they had a big thing going on about thinking about allowing women to be on navy boats with men at close quarters for months out at sea. Maybe I'm wrong, but if I'm not then that is strange.

[skydiveaddict]

I'm not very knowledgeable on the military but I could've sworn combat units were separated by sex also. I know they had a big thing going on about thinking about allowing women to be on navy boats with men at close quarters for months out at sea. Maybe I'm wrong, but if I'm not then that is strange.

 

 

You are right. For instance, I am a combat engineer and I know for a fact that mos is closed to women. I highly doubt any infantry job airborne or otherwise would be open to women. Except for support jobs.

[chelle21689]

Well, they all wear maroon berets and she is at airborne school right now. He's going...I highly doubt he is lying about the whole thing. It's in Georgia (not sure where). They're not taking classes together, but they most likely will have the chance to hang out on weekends or whatever free time they might have.

 

They are CIVIL AFFAIR SPECIALISTS, in this MOS I noticed more women than in most jobs.

 

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs302.snc3/28689_123112744371327_100000178050452_321387_6511443_n.jpg

 

Here is a picture of my bf and a group. The two right females are wearing maroon berets...see? I'm not lying! LOL

 

Civil Affairs isn't a combat/infantry MOS. It's more like a humanitarian job. I don't know where you guys have been lol. But you guys are wrong that women can't go to jump school or be in an airborne unit.

Edited September 19, 2010 by chelle21689

[skydiveaddict]

But you guys are wrong that women can't go to jump school or be in an airborne unit.

 

 

I guess I'm wrong. I didn't know civil affairs people were assigned to combat units.

[chelle21689]

They're not.

[skydiveaddict]

Well now I'm just confused. But no matter. To get back to your original point, I don't blame you for being uneasy about him spending all this time with this girl. I wouldn't like it either.

[aerogurl87]

But you guys are wrong that women can't go to jump school or be in an airborne unit.

 

I didn't say they couldn't go, I just always thought they were separated by sex. This guy I used to talk to was in the air force and he taught at jump school. I don't ever recall him talking to me about being in a class with females and males. I could've sworn males were separate from females, but hey I guess I was wrong. Learn something new everyday.

[chelle21689]

Eh, I was more so referring to skydiver (I forget the sn) when he said he never heard of females being in it. I'm not trying to start anything lol this is kind of going off topic. But I don't know if I can explain it to you better than my bf can. I guess if you want to look it up you can look up the 426th Civil Affairs Batallion on google for more information.

[chelle21689]

Can I ask you guys, what's the difference between a close friendship like theirs and emotional cheating??

[madjac74]

I think cheating is in the eye of the beholder. If you are feeling emotionally cheated and he or she cant understand that then you are being cheated. Near the end of my marriage when we were trying to work things out and we seperated a few times, I discovered (the hard way) that she was talking to and seeing a guy from work. I confronted her with it and she said it was just a friend who was helping her figure things out. Of course I said "Why didnt you sort things out with me instead and he is a guy who is going to tell you what you want to hear not whats best for your marriage" And of course after we divorced they started dating. But my point is she cheated emotionally because she went to another guy for emotional reassurance instead of coming to her husband. I was in the same situation as her and yet I went to friends and family (even her own family).

 

I have many close female friends but my GF is always the first person I think of anytime I need to talk about anything. If we are fighting and she wont talk to me then I go to my friends for support but mostly just to occupy my mind. I lost my train of thought haha! But its what I thought of when I saw your question

[chelle21689]

Hm, that's a good answer. I've been reading too much articles on "emotional cheating" and I'm really confused on what to consider cheating. Everyone has different opinions and well all the articles say intimacy is one of the biggest ones. Sharing your hopes, fears, dreams, relationship problems to them....but I do this with my guy friends I'm not attracted to AND my female friends...or family. So if I do that with some guy often that means I'm emotionally cheating even if I'm not attracted?

 

But me and my bf did talk about this before. He said that it's not really healthy of me to go around telling everyone our problems because HE should be the one I should be talking about it with so we can communicate together.

[madjac74]

So if I do that with some guy often that means I'm emotionally cheating even if I'm not attracted?

 

No not necessarily. We all have same sex, opposite sex friends that we are close to who we would never consider an intimate relationship with. I think its important you are honest and your SO knows who your friends are and the type of closeness you have. Like I said, I found out about my ex wife's friend on my own so she was sneaking around behind my back. Even if it wasnt physical in any way I still feel cheated. But it sounds like your BF has at least been honest about having this friend. Correct?

[chelle21689]

Yep, you're correct

[aerogurl87]

Can I ask you guys, what's the difference between a close friendship like theirs and emotional cheating??

 

Emotional cheating is when you form an emotional bond with someone that is closer than the bond you have with your SO. It's when you choose to first put your confidence in someone other than your SO and therefore begin to start crossing boundaries that need not be crossed.

[aerogurl87]

Hm, that's a good answer. I've been reading too much articles on "emotional cheating" and I'm really confused on what to consider cheating. Everyone has different opinions and well all the articles say intimacy is one of the biggest ones. Sharing your hopes, fears, dreams, relationship problems to them....but I do this with my guy friends I'm not attracted to AND my female friends...or family. So if I do that with some guy often that means I'm emotionally cheating even if I'm not attracted?

 

But me and my bf did talk about this before. He said that it's not really healthy of me to go around telling everyone our problems because HE should be the one I should be talking about it with so we can communicate together.

 

This is why communication is so important especially in a LDR. My boyfriend is my best friend and I feel like I can tell him anything. As long as there are boundaries in place with your friends that both you and your boyfriend are comfortable with and they're not being crossed, you're fine. I had to delete this guy off facebook recently because although he was nice, he was getting to a point that made my boyfriend and I both feel uncomfortable. I was honest with my boyfriend about the level of contact this guy was trying to have and we both decided that this guy had to go because we decided that his actions warranted concern and he was trying to get a bit too close to me especially considering the history this guy had with his girlfriend. We had a set boundary on friendships and this guy was hovering near the edge of crossing it. So like I said communication is key.

[chelle21689]

So kind of a little update. My bf is in Airborne school right now and so is she.

 

I kinda wish he would just stay active duty because the main reason for my jealousy was that she was always with him 24/7 like a shadow and he had no guy friends. But now that he's at airborne, he has time to be by himself training and he's become closer to a guy from his unit. So he's been making guy friends...of course sometimes she hangs out too but I don't care as much really because it doesn't seem like his life is revolving around her. It seems like a normal friendship (not spending all your time together)

 

Now if only when they all go back home he can spend time with this other guy. I looked up where he lived and he lives like 2 hrs away from them, just my luck! Way too far to hang out often.....

[amerikajin]

Can I ask you guys, what's the difference between a close friendship like theirs and emotional cheating??

 

Haven't read every post, but to get to the point, your concerns are legitimate. I think it's a bad idea for guys to have best friends who are female. I know I'm going to get called out on this, but I've just heard of and seen too many situations where 'friends' end up being more than just friends. And even if nothing happens, it's just going to cause uneasiness in a relationship that isn't necessary. Why should someone have to wonder what their partner is really thinking?

 

I'm speaking as someone who used to be in this very situation. I used to believe that members of the opposite sex (females) could be good friends. In my case, it was an ex lover who turned into a friend. We're still friends to this day, in fact, but we live in different states and only talk or send an email once or twice a year. I wouldn't make a female my best friend. At the end of the day, human nature is human nature. It's too easy in some situations for one person or the other to get confused about the nature of the friendship.

[madjac74]

Why should someone have to wonder what their partner is really thinking?

 

It's called trust and communication. Then there is very little wondering what they are thinking.

 

At the end of the day, human nature is human nature. It's too easy in some situations for one person or the other to get confused about the nature of the friendship.

 

So how do you feel about men and women working together?

 

I have some very close female friends and there are no sexual thoughts at all. My gf knows about them and has met them. As much as we communicate she pretty much knows when we are hanging out and what we are doing. I've had this exact conversation before with my GF and we agree its ridiculous to eliminate some great friendships just because someone has a penis or vagina. Now I agree there definitely probably are people who wouldnt hesitate to crossover the friend boundaries even when they are in a relationship with someone else. But those are also the people who would probably cheat anyway whether it be a friend, coworker or just someone at a bar. There are a lot of people though who have self control and value their friendships and are completely committed to their relationship with their partner.

[amerikajin]

It's called trust and communication. Then there is very little wondering what they are thinking.

 

I don't disagree necessarily.

 

So how do you feel about men and women working together?

 

First of all, it's inevitable. Secondly, it's fine as long as men and women keep it professional. If they're always spending time together doing "business" lunches or "business" happy hours, that's a little bit different. It's fine as long as someone's not married to their job and having surrogates in the office.

 

I have some very close female friends and there are no sexual thoughts at all. My gf knows about them and has met them. As much as we communicate she pretty much knows when we are hanging out and what we are doing. I've had this exact conversation before with my GF and we agree its ridiculous to eliminate some great friendships just because someone has a penis or vagina. Now I agree there definitely probably are people who wouldnt hesitate to crossover the friend boundaries even when they are in a relationship with someone else. But those are also the people who would probably cheat anyway whether it be a friend, coworker or just someone at a bar. There are a lot of people though who have self control and value their friendships and are completely committed to their relationship with their partner.

 

I understand that, and I think you can have female friends -- within certain boundaries though. I would not be spending a lot of time one-on-one with a female friend, and I wouldn't feel comfortable if my wife were spending time alone with another guy, even if I thought he was cool otherwise. Men and women were born to attract each other, and sometimes lines get crossed without even trying. I know that's not what I'm supposed to say and maybe that sounds like it's coming from a bye-gone era, but I'm just telling you what I've seen, read about, and heard of in my experience.

 

In this case, it's important to note that the couple is dealing with distance, which further complicates things. The OP has no way of knowing what the new woman means to this guy. Her boyfriend might not have bad intentions, but again, I've seen it play out before: two people spend time together, they begin to feel comfortable, and meanwhile the couple begins to grow apart. And then the whole thing turns into a vicious cycle in which the current couple grows apart and, guess who, becomes the go-to standby in case things deteriorate. The point is, there's no need for this drama. You can communicate all you want, but communication doesn't replace face time, which the new girl has but the OP doesn't.

[madjac74]

I definitely agree with your view on the subject and its an interesting debate. But I think this is something that is obviously different couple to couple. Heck there are guys who are comfortable "sharing" their girlfriends or spouses.

 

I deal with a long distance too and of course I know that at anytime my girlfriend could bump into someone and develop a relationship and say the heck with this LDR stuff. But thats just love and life. That could happen anytime, anywhere, LDR or close. I trust in the strength of our feelings for each other to not worry about that. If she wanted one of her friends then she would be with them and not deal withthis long distance bs.

 

I have a close relationship with several females (one is married) and there would never be anything romantic with these girls even if I was single and desperate for physical contact. If my girlfriend ever doubted this then I would certainly do anything to make my gf more comfortable.

 

In Chelle's case she did have a problem with it and she got some reassurance and now she feels better I think. Thats really all you can do especially in an LDR.

[chelle21689]

Guys, I have to ask you something. Would you think something is up if you knew they texted eachother from morning to night???

 

My bf gave me the pw to his phone account to manage things online cuz he can't get on the internet at airborne. I noticed it had details of who he texted, how many msgs, how long are calls, etc.

 

I looked...and noticed that his friend (the girl) texted him her first few days while they were apart for a week. They texted eachother from morning till night time....almost every hour. Should I be concerned??

 

Before I peeked, I told him it had account details and that it's best he changes it because I become obsessing with snooping. He said he'll change it later when he can. I haven't talked to him about it yet.

 

I mean, do you really think someone is just a friend when you text them all day til night?

[LisaLee]

guys, i have to ask you something. Would you think something is up if you knew they texted eachother from morning to night???

 

 

yes! Yes! YES!!!

[chelle21689]

So I asked him and tried not to argue...I was afraid to bring this up because we have been doing really great for the past month and half. I didn't want to ruin it...so his explanation? Since she was at Airborne school first, he wanted to know everything that was going on when he got there and that texts messages are short and aren't full blown conversations...that's why there's more messages.

 

I asked him if he's sure that they aren't attracted eachother because they force that upon themselves from leaving a current relationship. Of course we all know his answer to that. Then he told me that he can't explain every little thing that will happen and for me to be careful to not damage our relationship out of suspicion.

 

I don't know whether to believe him or not. I guess it's better than phone calls right? I mean, I'm the only person he talks to forever on the phone...

 

*Sigh* Things have been great...why did this happen.