Wife's affair is now my dilemma - CHAPTER TWO

[dqmommy]

Congratulations! Sounds like you did darned good to me!!!

 

(I've been thinking about you and wondering how you made out...but I've been tied up moving out )

 

I think you did good, and that you are going to do fine. Do whatever it takes to get her out, once you're not under the same roof it'll be easier to start dealing with the whole situation. I know from experience, it's difficult to start to mend when you're still having to look at one another every morning

 

Hang in there! Thanks for the update!

[LisaLee]

Please take care of your health, Dad, especially in this stressful time. You BP sounds like it is through the roof. Talk to your doctor and make sure he knows what is going on in your life. Check your BP regularly, and also look into a change of diet (less salt, meat, more fruits, veggies, water). I don't mean to peg on something that seems insignificant, but I do seem to recall you mentioning previous heart problems and now would be a rotten time for your health to get worse.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I'll take care of myself. I know I must to take care of the boys.

 

I left work a little early to pick up the kids at wife's work. Eldest stayed as she arrange transportation for him to soccer. My youngest came home with me so I could take him to cub scouts. I got him fed and to scouts where I organized and led a den meeting. I got son home and started on his homework when wife texts me that I need to pick up the eldest at soccer later.

 

She is going out after work to play bingo.

 

Why did she even want to fight for custody if she doesn't want to spend time with them?

 

The three of us get home and the youngest is shouting "Hi Mom" through the house. Eldest son tells him she's not home. I just wilt.

 

I wonder if she'll call before bedtime. It is so sad.

 

I got to go - boys are done showering and want my attention.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Wife came home around midnight to a darkened house.

My youngest was asleep in my bed upstairs, eldest in his own room.

I know she didn't come upstairs to see my youngest. That makes me sad.

 

I know this is a process.

Maybe she has her own process because I am the one who filed.

I believe we should be talking about schedules and arrangements.

I see her avoiding the issues that need to be resolved.

And it will only make it more painful to the boys if she is not prepared.

 

yesterday sucked. Today is not looking to good either.

 

Time to go make the school lunches.

[dqmommy]

 

I know this is a process.

Maybe she has her own process because I am the one who filed.

I believe we should be talking about schedules and arrangements.

I see her avoiding the issues that need to be resolved.

And it will only make it more painful to the boys if she is not prepared.

 

 

Sounds like something my STBX hubby said about me as well.

 

I don't know your wife nor do I pretend to know what she is going through. I can only speak for what I went through. I seemingly was "avoiding" talking about things as well. Here was my perspective (go ahead, flame me)......if it was talking about the boys welfare, schedules, anything to do with them then I was all up for it. I WANTED to talk about that stuff and deal with as much as we could ahead of time and in the best manner that we could.

 

As for anything else (living arrangements for ME, when I was going to pack, how I was going to move) or beating the dead horse about how we got here and all the things I did wrong....I DID avoid those subjects. I didn't really see the point. My living arrangements, moving, etc was my business I felt. Looking for jobs was my business. Whether I liked the houses I looked at was my business, my opinion.

 

And, as for the elephant in the room. What happened, happened. I can't take it back nor can I change it. I've talked til I'm blue in the face and tried to explain my perspective. He doesn't want to hear it. I don't blame him BUT quit asking for explanations if you're not going to accept them. I don't see the point in rehashing it.

 

Maybe I'm wrong.....and maybe that's what she's not doing. But that was where I stood on the subject.

 

YOU are doing the best you can do for you and the kids. That's all that matters. The rest will work itself out.

 

Hang in there.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I can only speak for what I went through. I seemingly was "avoiding" talking about things as well. Here was my perspective (go ahead, flame me)......if it was talking about the boys welfare, schedules, anything to do with them then I was all up for it. I WANTED to talk about that stuff and deal with as much as we could ahead of time and in the best manner that we could.

 

As for anything else (living arrangements for ME, when I was going to pack, how I was going to move) or beating the dead horse about how we got here and all the things I did wrong....I DID avoid those subjects. I didn't really see the point. My living arrangements, moving, etc was my business I felt. Looking for jobs was my business. Whether I liked the houses I looked at was my business, my opinion.

 

And, as for the elephant in the room. What happened, happened. I can't take it back nor can I change it. I've talked til I'm blue in the face and tried to explain my perspective. He doesn't want to hear it. I don't blame him BUT quit asking for explanations if you're not going to accept them. I don't see the point in rehashing it.

 

Thank you for chiming in. I was beginning to feel like I was with my STBXW. No response in almost a day. Sorry I had to go there...

 

Really, thank you. Maybe I need her to tell me the ground rules. I am okay with the terms you described. She may not realize that. I don't want to leave a mark on any of her future choices in housing, employment, finances. That is not my concern. Maybe if she knows I will respect this it will make things open up without fear of crossing boundaries. It will be difficult as the wounds are still fresh and continuing to go to his place isn't helping.

 

As reciprocated respect, I just wish she wouldn't go to the other man's place while she is still under this roof. But I guess it's better than inviting him over here.

Edited September 21, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys

[Darth Vader]

Big guy, keep your chin up! By all accounts here, you really didn't make off that badly. Your words are as follows....

 

"I stay in the house.

No alimony.

50/50 with our sons."

 

I live in California, what you just got through your divorce is a very rare thing here! First your a Man, courts here in California frown upon the man from the "get-go", this is pretty much a woman gets everything divorce state. But look at you, you get to keep the house, wow, almost unheard of here, most judges here give the man the boot from the house and they have to find their own place to live. And look at you,no alimony again something that does not happen a whole lot over here, almost always the man ends up paying through the nose with that sort of stuff. And lastly, 50/50 custody of your children! The 50/50 things is a normal thing here in California, most judges here aren't that cruel, they will just take your money, your house, your toys but let you keep some of the kids. But you did it, you still get to be in your kids lives on a "scheduled styled regular basis"!

 

I'm happy for you, I don't think you need to throw out statement like "you sold out on your kids", no, no, no, no you did not! You were there in court for the kids, you will now be embarking on another phase of your life for those kids, you get to keep the house, for the kids, ect. ect. ect. You did not sell out!

 

If and when there might be a "next time" you go through another divorce, don't worry about your "soon to be ex-wife" brining her friends with her to court. For the most part, only speaking for me, I learned that this is nothing more than court room eye candy. Its mire window dressing, power by the numbers, power to the girls, and so forth. I really didn't like the fact that almost all my family and friends showed up for my final court date, the day everything was spelled out for us. I would have rather have been "alone"! But I'm glad they showed, made the victory party afterwards a very full event.

 

I know your having a hard time right now, but it does get more easy to deal with as time goes on. Your worrying about having to deal with an empty house on particular weeks, this in the future will fade away. Heck you just might start enjoying those weeks when it is just you, sort of your own stay at home vacation thing. I enjoy the weeks I have my Son, but to be honest, now a days I enjoy those weeks when it is just me as well. Everything here will work itself out with time!

 

I think you did very well, you "broke even" with the child issue, you came out ahead by not having to pay the alimony, but you hit the "jack pot" with being able to keep the house! You my friend I consider the victor, might not feel like it to you right now, but you did it, you WON the day!

 

Congrat's.....

 

 

God did you good from what this poster is saying, HE helped you! NEVER FORGET THAT!

[michaelhopes]

Score one for the good guys.......

Hang in there. I'm sure there will be some more bumps before smooth sailing kicks in.

[dqmommy]

Thank you for chiming in. I was beginning to feel like I was with my STBXW. No response in almost a day. Sorry I had to go there...

 

Really, thank you. Maybe I need her to tell me the ground rules. I am okay with the terms you described. She may not realize that. I don't want to leave a mark on any of her future choices in housing, employment, finances. That is not my concern. Maybe if she knows I will respect this it will make things open up without fear of crossing boundaries. It will be difficult as the wounds are still fresh and continuing to go to his place isn't helping.

 

As reciprocated respect, I just wish she wouldn't go to the other man's place while she is still under this roof. But I guess it's better than inviting him over here.

 

Probably one of the most difficult things I had to deal with was him wanting to still be involved in everything. He pestered me about looking for a job, even though I had been applying and interviewing. He clearly wanted me to take the first thing that came along, and did not realize everything I was actually doing to find a position somewhere. I felt that for the first time in my life I was making a decision for ME. I understood that I needed to find an income and a way to take care of myself. I didn't need him to point that out on a daily basis.

 

Also, I KNEW I was moving out. I had been given a deadline by him. I didn't need him pestering me about packing up and how I was going to do it. We've moved probably 15 times in our years together ~ obviously I know what I'm doing.

 

Actually I talked to my therapist about his behavior and what I was told was that it may be a case of control. That he has always been used to controlling and having a hand in everything I did. Now his whole world was spiralling out of control and he had to latch on to whatever he thought he could. He was could have been having a hard time dealing with the fact that I was making decisions without him. My therapist actually advised me to tell him that it really was none of his business ~ that the only thing that WAS his business now was the boys. Truthfully I had a hard time doing this and in the end, didn't come right out and say that. I felt like it was one more twist of the knife. That I was removing the one last tidbit of control he had. It became a game of feeding him small pieces of information ~ enough to satisfy him a little that I was actually doing something.

 

As for your comment about the other man.........I wish I could help you with this. I guess my thought process is that the inevitable is clearly happening (the divorce) so what difference does it really make whether she sees him now or holds off a few weeks (and yes, what difference does it make on either end ~~~ I understand it goes both ways). Whether she sees him or not this is going to happen. I would say it 's a good sign that she's not rubbing your nose in it.....that she's at least trying to keep that part of her separate from you so that it's not so much of a twist of the knife.

 

I don't know if that makes any sense. But it's just what I'm thinking.

 

I think we all have things we wish we could go back and do differently. I know I do. I may regret how I got here, but I don't necessarily regret being here.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Yesterday sucked because of some face book comments I saw. Highlight was brightening a friend's day by being in more misery than the friend. No real sleep.

 

Today I went to the IC. Updated him and was told I was doing amazingly well. I don't know where I would be if I was falling apart. Which is how it seems. I spent the day trying to refinance the house - submitted all the paperwork.

 

Got home to the STBXW with an attitude.

 

Turns out the car I am driving was her "birthday" gift 8+ years ago. And she wants her full basis in it. Huh?

As for the house, I need to get her papers that protect her interest in the asset while taking her name off it completely. Huh?

And she wants to clear me off the car title she's driving but not the loan. Huh?

And it keeps going and going....

 

I'm have to go back to work tonight after the boys go to sleep to make up the time missed. It is so hard to get anything done.

[onedayatatyme]

Oh, boy, your stbx and mine sound alot alike. Mine is pulling the same selfish tricks to protect her financial position to the detriment of yours. It's business now. Ugly, brutal business as she tries to grab whatever she can. I got the following:

 

• Pressure to take my name off of the car title
  
• Pressure to refinance debt prior to the divorce being final
  
• Now she won't make any commitment to refinance her debt even after the divorce is final
  
• Being called controlling for asking questions about credit charges she's made since moving out that are directly affecting my credit rating
  
• Being called controlling for wanting to know how much she spent on the car she bought with money from selling our community asset vehicle.
  
• Continued stalling tactics to delay finalization of the divorce to keep the temporary spousal support going.
  
• Being accused of not moving on... and her evidence? That I'm dating someone else now.