Why does it feel like men can handle a breakup so much easier then us women?

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

Ok, so please bear with me, i'm just frustrated and needed to vent!

 

I feel like I am the one with the torn emotions going through a rollercoaster of feelings while I feel like he is so much more calm and collected with the breakup. My ex and I are on LC...but while I feel like I am falling apart, he is doing just fine..

 

I mean I know we as women are 'supposed' to be more outward and open w/ our emotions, but damn... I wish I could just turn off these emotions like I feel he is doing!

 

All he keeps telling me is the decision to not be together is 'very difficult, or very hard on him'...and that's it.

 

Do you men just know how to hide it when it comes to hiding your true feelings from your ex?

[USMCHokie]

Gender is irrelevant. It depends completely on who cares/cared more.

[bighearted]

I agree with USMC. If anything, I think it's the other way around. Guys throw themselves at girls... and sometimes females don't even have to TRY to meet new people, which eventually leads to moving on.

[Thorgs]

I disagree with the thread title. I'm pretty sure my ex was sad for only a few hours after the break up and then started opening her legs around town. I was sad for 2 months following the break up. Through lots of NC I was able to slowly stand on my two feet. It's still a process but it's a lot better than what it was.

[skydiveaddict]

Ok, so please bear with me, i'm just frustrated and needed to vent!

 

I feel like I am the one with the torn emotions going through a rollercoaster of feelings while I feel like he is so much more calm and collected with the breakup. My ex and I are on LC...but while I feel like I am falling apart, he is doing just fine..

 

I mean I know we as women are 'supposed' to be more outward and open w/ our emotions, but damn... I wish I could just turn off these emotions like I feel he is doing!

 

All he keeps telling me is the decision to not be together is 'very difficult, or very hard on him'...and that's it.

 

Do you men just know how to hide it when it comes to hiding your true feelings from your ex?

 

 

Believe me that's not the case at all. It depends on who broke up with who. Your question about hiding your true feelings rings true though. When some one breaks up with me they are not entitled to my "feelings", hidden or not.

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

Thanks everyone for your replies! I'm just so frustrated w/ everything and it's great to hear your replies and thoughts.

[USMCHokie]

Thanks everyone for your replies! I'm just so frustrated w/ everything and it's great to hear your replies and thoughts.

 

Yep...for everyone girl that says men handle breakups easier, you'll get 10 men who say women handle breakups easier...and then another 10 women who say men handle them easier...etc...

 

All that matters is who still wants the relationship...

[carhill]

OP, if your ex didn't express his feelings openly and contemporaneously in the relationship, that won't change now. Absent open and honest communication, none of us really knows for sure what someone else is feeling.

 

Generally, though there are exceptions, the person who cared the least and loved the least in the relationship/marriage is the person who 'moves on' in a less encumbered manner. If that person happens to also have the best social network to help them recover from the breakup/divorce, then their position is strengthened even more.

 

As far as the thread topic is concerned, in your case, your BF *appears* to be handling the breakup so much easier than you. If that's truth in addition to appearance, it's more about who he is and who you are rather than your respective genders, IMO.

 

IMO, you should smile when you feel like you cared too much and have lost so much. You have a gift. Someone else will be fortunate to share it with you. Good luck

[pandagirl]

OP, if your ex didn't express his feelings openly and contemporaneously in the relationship, that won't change now. Absent open and honest communication, none of us really knows for sure what someone else is feeling.

 

Generally, though there are exceptions, the person who cared the least and loved the least in the relationship/marriage is the person who 'moves on' in a less encumbered manner. If that person happens to also have the best social network to help them recover from the breakup/divorce, then their position is strengthened even more.

 

As far as the thread topic is concerned, in your case, your BF *appears* to be handling the breakup so much easier than you. If that's truth in addition to appearance, it's more about who he is and who you are rather than your respective genders, IMO.

 

IMO, you should smile when you feel like you cared too much and have lost so much. You have a gift. Someone else will be fortunate to share it with you. Good luck

 

Have to agree with that bolded part. I barely ever knew what my ex was really feeling. And that actually had something to do with our breakup -- our lack/inability to have intimate conversations.

 

The last time I talked to him, I asked him: "You're like a robot. I can't even tell if this breakup has affected you." And he said: "Just because I appear one way, doesn't mean it's true." He couldn't even SAY he was sad! I asked him, "So, you are sad." Him: "Yes... that's what I mean."

 

I mean, SERIOUSLY.

 

And Carhill is right. It is a gift to be able to care and love deeply. I'm the same way. My heart is broken, but I know it's because I can really love someone.

[bboy]

If your ex. wouldn't care at all, he would talk to you about it.

If your ex. cares and is going through a heavy period, he'll be silent.

If your ex. needs to reinforce his decision, he'll be trash talking you with his support group.

[ohno89]

Hmm... I don't know if it's so much who cared more and who cared the least as it is who broke up with who. At times, I can certainly say my ex was more emotionally invested in our relationship; he's a very emotional person and I think depended on me in a lot of ways. But he was the one who broke it off and cheated and is now in a relationship with the same girl. Having said this, he's very good at hiding his feelings if needed and doing whatever it takes to look after himself so he's okay so... I dunno, go figure.

 

I just think it has a lot more to do with the actual break-up because at the end of the day, one person has chosen to opt out of the relationship while the other doesn't necessarily want to so - as much as the dumper might still be hurt - I think they have such a easier outlook on things like "okay, this was my decision, I've done it now, I need to stick by it and move on" hence not feeling rejection, abandonment etc, etc..

[carhill]

Nearly all relationships which end have a tipping point, a point where positive and negative meet. After that tipping point, if the energy dynamic in the relationship goes to the negative side, the person least invested in the process during that period will overwhelmingly fare better when the ultimate end arrives, if that is the conclusion. If a marriage is in trouble and the spouses agree to MC, watch for the one who does the least work and displays the least emotion within that process. That's your winner.

 

Generally, anyone who *can* care that little during the tipover-negative phase has the capacity and propensity to care little always, in all circumstances. It's a psychological setpoint; it's a method of thinking and feeling. It doesn't just happen circumstantially.

 

In the OP's case, it appears that the man is that person.

 

Another dynamic, perhaps not applicable to the OP's situation, is where one party lacks the ability to, or chooses to not 'feel' the relationship, but rather 'thinks' the relationship, much like one thinks their way through a puzzle or problem/challenge. Each aspect of the relationship is a logical process, and certain rules are followed to achieve the desired result. 1 + 1=2. If I do/say this, then that will result. No feelings are involved. Some people operate like this, even though their outward expressions mimic feelings. It's a social skill learned over time. That's another possible explanation of one person handling the breakup easier than another. To them, it's just the next logical step.

[pandagirl]

Generally, anyone who *can* care that little during the tipover-negative phase has the capacity and propensity to care little always, in all circumstances. It's a psychological setpoint; it's a method of thinking and feeling. It doesn't just happen circumstantially.

 

In the OP's case, it appears that the man is that person.

 

I think it was my ex, too. It's not that he didn't care about me or love me. Just our interpretations and emotional capacities were different.

 

Who do these types of people usually end up with???

[Feelin Frisky]

If it makes you feel any better I came out of my last big hopeful relationship an utter train wreck even though I had to be the dumper. Her, being a smoking-looking youger female with a fire-cracker libido, I'm sure had no lonely days if she wanted someone. Men don't get the break women think we do. We have to face the whole process of seeing if our time and money are being wasted by new someone's who may not work out or worse--become the new heart break. It gets lousy with age if one wants to settle down and just be happy with a wife. Some of us take it really really hard.

[leftfield]

I don't think it's easy for men or women, as others have said, it really depends on who dumped who. However, not wanting to be contentious, I think women tend to have a better support network after a breakup.

 

As the dumper, my ex would obviously get over it quicker than I would anyway, even though she still had some feelings for me. But I know that she will have been going out with all her friends telling them how and why she dumped me, listing all my faults and hearing nothing but agreement and validation from every single one of them.

 

I told my friends she dumped me, and their response was: "sorry mate, that's a bit sh*t, let's get drunk". Hence why I'm here. Thank you LS.

Edited September 16, 2010 by leftfield
typo

[carhill]

Who do these types of people usually end up with???

IME, relationships *appear* to seek balance, aka the old adage of opposites attracting, which indicates such people would be predisposed to accept positively the love and affections of someone who cared more and was/is more 'in touch' with their emotions. If the disparity in care isn't overwhelming, I think such dynamics can be healthy. Additionally, as we age, we change, both chemically and psychologically, based on our natural processes and life experiences. How such changes affect a person is often a function of their willingness to accept change, be introspective and evolve from the dynamics presented. I see emotion, properly channeled, as a potent motivator for both introspection and change. It can also be an impetus to 'crazy'

 

In my case, since stbx often made reference in MC to wishing I was 'normal', this tells me that our 'opposites' were too far skewed for a healthy relationship. I only wish she had experienced that epiphany before we were married. The lesson for myself was one of acceptance; that one must accept another's emotional 'style' of caring and decide if it is healthy and balanced for and with one's own style. It's IMO less about right or wrong and more about compatibility.

[Ajax]

 

I just think it has a lot more to do with the actual break-up because at the end of the day, one person has chosen to opt out of the relationship while the other doesn't necessarily want to so - as much as the dumper might still be hurt - I think they have such a easier outlook on things like "okay, this was my decision, I've done it now, I need to stick by it and move on" hence not feeling rejection, abandonment etc, etc..

 

 

I think the dumper has an easier time moving on also because they have more options. Often the dumpee is more than willing to take them back, and that choice becomes the dumpers. They can come back when they want, so if their life doesn't get better after the breakup they call the person they dumped, say "sorry baby," and patch things up.

[pandagirl]

 

It's IMO less about right or wrong and more about compatibility.

 

Agreed.

 

I thought my ex and I *were* emotionally compatible, in the sense we weren't so off that it wouldn't work.

 

But in the end... nope! My emotional capacity goes as deep as an ocean, and while he can love and does care, his is more like a wading pool.

Edited September 16, 2010 by pandagirl

[newguyhere]

I know my ex girlfriend took our breakup better than I did lol. It took a me over a year to get over it. Infact just last week I had a dream about her and it still hurt then. But not anything like it useto. I see her all the time now and it dont bother me anymore. Time is what will heal us all regardless of man or woman.

[carhill]

I think the dumper has an easier time moving on also because they have more options.

 

This may be true, but I'll give an example of the reverse. I 'dumped' my wife and we're divorcing. In retrospect, I made nearly all the proactive moves to end the marriage even though we agreed that she should be the petitioner (for legal reasons). However, since we separated, she's dated widely and has had two boyfriends. I've dated a couple people and only for a short period. I see it as different paths to the same place, acceptance. I processed the path alone; she processed it with male attention. One datapoint.

 

Lastly, in general, women have 'more options' simply because they are the pursued gender. Nearly any LS lady will tell you that she can present herself in a public place, look approachable, and men will approach her. Don't underestimate this power when considering how much easier this validation and attention allows the path from breakup to new relationship to be. Someone blowing sunshine up your ass *does* help and facilitate healing of the ego. It could be argued this healing is superficial, but still it is evident and, for some, adequate.

[Meaplus3]

Honestly, I think it's just the way men are. They tend to think well.. that did not work out.. time to move on. No need for the sap and tears on their end. I'm speaking for men in general of course. You see us ladies.. tend to get all deep and wrapped up in the emotions.. this how we differ from our male counter parts.

 

Mea:)

[ohno89]

I don't think it's easy for men or women, as others have said, it really depends on who dumped who. However, not wanting to be contentious, I think women tend to have a better support network after a breakup.

 

As the dumper, my ex would obviously get over it quicker than I would anyway, even though she still had some feelings for me. But I know that she will have been going out with all her friends telling them how and why she dumped me, listing all my faults and hearing nothing but agreement and validation from every single one of them.

 

I told my friends she dumped me, and their response was: "sorry mate, that's a bit sh*t, let's get drunk". Hence why I'm here. Thank you LS.

 

Hmm.. I can definitely see what you're saying but I think often, it's a cliche. Not always but often. Women do tend to have better support networks - and at the risk of sounding ungrateful - often, they don't necessarily change how the woman truly feels about her ex. I'm sure you've heard many instances of everyone around a woman telling her "the man's no good, you could do so much better, he did this, this and this" and on the surface it might make her feel better but it doesn't necessarily speed up the healing process.

 

From a woman's point of view - and sorry to generalise, I know this isn't always the case - but I've always thought men, or at least my ex and a few others I've known - have a better way of covering up their feelings and saying "screw you". It might just be a cover-up and not necessarily the best way to deal with things but men seem to have a better ability to just not give a f***. They seem way more logical than women, like - I don't know about statistics or whatever - but in my experience, if a woman cheats on a man, that's it; it's done. He'll never go back there and will hate her. If a man cheats on a woman, a lot of the time, the woman would at least consider taking the man back. They're a lot less able to just say "he cheated on me, screw him, it's done."

 

Again, apologies for the generalisations here, just my opinion..

 

I'm sure had no lonely days if she wanted someone. Men don't get the break women think we do.

 

This is always a funny one; I've heard before that men think a chick has it easier because she doesn't even have to put effort into getting a guy but usually, isn't she just doing that to make herself feel better because she feels horrible? I've personally never just hooked up with someone so I don't feel lonely because that's just not me; I know the only reason I'll be doing it is because I'm secretly pining for someone else and it'll make me feel even worse.

[carhill]

I've heard before that men think a chick has it easier because she doesn't even have to put effort into getting a guy but usually, isn't she just doing that to make herself feel better because she feels horrible?

 

I posted prior that I do *think* women have an easier time getting attention and ego validation, but I have no way of knowing how this affects them. I can say, from personal experience, when my wife was denying me the intimacy (emotional) that I deserved and needed, when other women gave that to me, it was a very positive *feeling*, not at all just a mitigation of the 'horrible' dearth of love and affection I was feeling at the time. Again, the genders process such things in their own unique way so all we have is communication to share our perspectives.

[drewsmom]

My stbx left me for another woman, I think he is going through alot more than I am, He lost a great deal of weight, way more than I did. I think he looks terrible now, He never really looks happy when he comes to pick up my son. he grew a gotee, its all gray, he really looks scummy, while I on the other hand lost weight and always look great, my neighbors always say to me your to pretty for him anyway, I know its not about looks, but i take great pleasure in him looking like ****. and most of the time he will park outside my driveway and watch my son and I playing and he looks sad. He was never one to show emotions, i was with him for 20 yrs 10 married and I only seen him cry twice. until a few weeks ago when we were in court he did cry. I think everyone hurts, and im sure when they are alone they let there feelings get the best of them, if they didnt then they should be worried that there might be something wrong with them, were all human. my father was so scary and tough, I never seen him cry until my nephew was born. believe me they go through the motions as we do there egos get in the way and they would never let us know. remember the old saying big boys dont cry, they were brought up to never show emotions. I am trying to teach my son that its ok to show your feelings, all my brothers cry(babies) lol.

[nobmagnet]

hello all,

 

I have met many many heartbroken men on here. In fact im sure this site is balanced to the males. More men on here slightly, than women.

 

It actually made me realise that men take it bad too. We as women tend to have close mates to talk to personally and we confide in them, share it round so we dont just "bore" one chum. I beleive men find to bare all face to face is very hard. Big boys dont cry. Its a sad fact.

 

Weather Lowly worm felt anything or not was very important to me. He seemed to be the cat that got the cream. Me, the mother of his kids and home maker (litterally) was chucked away without a second thought. But it really shouldnt be important at all. It is hard not to want them blubbing into a pint all alone and miserable:p but actually we should all direct that emotion into a positive one. IE i refuse to think that, so i will make a massive effort to stay strong and invest that negative emotion in myself and make it positive.

 

for every moment you get sad try to turn it on its head. Positive thought is the way to mend. I would lie if i still dont after a year wish him great sadness but then i think of my life now...............hey im free to do as i please:) its liberating if you see the positives.

 

sorry i rambled but in essence if they seem to be unaffected dont assume anything. He might be really pleased to be free but he might not. The key is to try not to care and direct that thought onto yourself and make YOU happy. F**k THEM.

 

best revenge is served cold. BE HAPPY. That will P*ss em off.

 

nobby xx