Why does it feel like men can handle a breakup so much easier then us women?

[HeavenOrHell]

Men don't handle it any easier, take a look through some of the posts on here

The person who did the dumping will find it easier whether they're male or female, it is easier to dump than be dumped, although having said that; my ex found it hard to leave me, there were tears and he struggled with work and everything for a few moths after we split, but the dumper doesn't have to live with the rejection and insecurity which dumpees can feel.

Men can be more prone to keeping their emotions to themselves, so it can seem like they're ok when they're not.

How do you know he is doing fine?

 

 

Ok, so please bear with me, i'm just frustrated and needed to vent!

 

I feel like I am the one with the torn emotions going through a rollercoaster of feelings while I feel like he is so much more calm and collected with the breakup. My ex and I are on LC...but while I feel like I am falling apart, he is doing just fine..

 

I mean I know we as women are 'supposed' to be more outward and open w/ our emotions, but damn... I wish I could just turn off these emotions like I feel he is doing!

 

All he keeps telling me is the decision to not be together is 'very difficult, or very hard on him'...and that's it.

 

Do you men just know how to hide it when it comes to hiding your true feelings from your ex?

[carhill]

You might find it interesting that, perhaps unfortunately, I was never socialized (child of the 60's) to subvert my emotions nor their expression and that it was my peer group, both men and women, who ultimately forced this traditional dynamic, 'men don't cry/show their emotions', through simple acceptance/abandonment. After being shunned and/or abandoned long enough, I conformed. The most remarkable abandonment occurred in my marriage, underscored by hearing, more than once, from someone I loved (at the time) that she wished I was 'normal' in the area of gender-based emotional expression. 'Suck it up and deal with it; stop talking about it'. Stuff like that.

 

My mother died about two weeks ago. A good friend died a couple weeks before that. I cried, but just a little, and quietly. I'm a grown-up man now

 

If I were teaching a son now about expressing his emotions, I would teach him the tools of how to handle shunning and abandonment and isolation, concurrently, just in case society really hasn't changed that much.

 

I still note, even to this day, that *some* women do like having EA's with emotionally expressive men, but do not find them attractive for relationships. I could name a few examples right here from LS, but naming names is contrary to the spirit of an anonymous web forum. Such dynamics are 'branches' by which they move from one attractive man to another, easing the pain of breakups/divorces/marital abandonment.

[stillafool]

I think the dumper has an easier time moving on also because they have more options.

 

I also think the dumper has an easier time moving on because most of the time they have already emotionally left the relationship before you know about it. Sometimes the dumpee is left like a deer caught in the headlights.

[ohno89]

I also think the dumper has an easier time moving on because most of the time they have already emotionally left the relationship before you know about it. Sometimes the dumpee is left like a deer caught in the headlights.

 

Now here's a question... often, they say the dumper has left the relationships months before it actually ends. Now in my case, I'm honestly not trying to make excuses, but I've always had a very strong instinct when it comes to my ex. I'm literally talking about being on the other side of the world, feeling he's done something with no proof, no contact, no nothing... I just knew. And I was right. That kinda thing...it happened all the time. Now I can honestly say that yes, I did feel he was detaching himself from me, this is why the arguing started. But I can honestly say, it was maybe a month max before we actually split up. I know every situation is different but is that really enough time after a seemingly strong, loving, intense relationship of a year and half, even when he was saying he doesn't think he could ever lose me? Or does this "emotionally detachment" rule apply no matter what and anything I was feeling or he was telling me just is in no way true? I find it hard to believe that a month is enough time to detach yourself from someone considering it can take the other person months and months...maybe I'm just looking for answers...I guess every situation truly is different and that's something the dumpee will just never know....

 

drewsmom - I'm sorry for your situation but your story did make me smile and hopefully it makes you feel a little better, if not, just a little pity for your ex. I guess it's true - sometimes we'll just never know either because they are actually fine and don't regret a thing or if they do, they sure as hell are never gonna hurt their oh-so important pride and ego but letting us know that. I guess in the same way the dumpee has to put on a brave face even if they're not okay, why can the same not be said for the dumper? No one wants to look like they've so publically made the wrong decision and are now regretting it and hurting inside....meh, just read nobmagnet's post - you're right; f*** em!

[drewsmom]

It is so true about being happy will piss them off, Alot of times when my stbx brings my son home I am in a good mood and my son will say it mommy why you so happy, I just tell him cause hes home, but my stbx always looks at me funny and it is like he is thinking where did she go last nite. I also noticed when this happens stbx finds an excuse to stay another 15 minutes, and just watches my actions. A couple times I did say to him are you still here,(meaning ok get the f out) he hates it. I guess its a good thing I am a happy person all the time. I figured it out 2 weeks after he left, If I am miserable all the time, begging him(which i never did) I would only be depressed by his rejection, if he dont want to be here i am not gonna beg and cry, if i did i would always be down and have no energy for my son and he is the most important person in my life. my h was leaving I still had my son to take care of. so pick yourself up brush yourself off, we can always replace a husband we cant replace a child.

[GorillaTheater]

My mother died about two weeks ago. A good friend died a couple weeks before that.

 

Please excuse the threadjack. Carhill, I just wanted to express my condolences. I'm very sorry for your losses.

 

Just in case you don't hear it enough, I very much appreciate your contributions and insights here.

[threebyfate]

My mother died about two weeks ago. A good friend died a couple weeks before that. I cried, but just a little, and quietly. I'm a grown-up man now

My apologies for another threadjack but I'm also sorry to hear this. Wishing you well.

[carhill]

Thanks. I just occurred to me that one possibility is that, by constantly accepting and processing feelings, in this case, like with the OP, of sadness and loss, I don't get the bursts of sadness which result in marked outbursts of emotion. Accepting and embracing the emotions and being OK with them helps, at least IME. To be honest, my biggest fear was that mom would die in the same week our divorce became final; mercifully, that is not an issue now. I'm sure the OP can appreciate dynamics such as that, where it *appears* that nothing positive is happening in one's life.

 

For the OP, also IME, the good news is that, at least in my social circle of long-time male friends, I've seen marked changes in their processing of emotion as well as being more emotionally open in their friendships and marriages. Life is nothing if not ever-changing. If such provides some comfort and hope, perhaps that is today's little gift.

 

Good luck

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

Thank you for everyone who took time out of their day to reply to this post, i've really enjoyed reading what everyone thought and their perspective on this...and it does help to understand more about dealing with post breakup emotions...thanks again!

[Caradavine]

I am sorry to hear of so many losses in such a short time, and I hope you are doing well. I just wanted to say to the original question's title that men seem to be bred to tough things out. They may hurt, suffer, and feel like us, but it is discouraged that they show it from youth. They are called sissies if they cry, and so on. It's a sad truth that many men are probably hurting just as badly as we are, but they don't feel that they can open up like we do. I think they have it a bit rough. I also think they could choose to shake up that old-fashioned expectation, though, and sometimes just show what is going on. Some marriages could have probably been saved that way. In the interest of not generalizing, there are emotional, open men out there and they have found women who are as cold as men. So, I guess I am saying it may be a nature/nurture thing.

[Buccaneer55]

I have to agree with what most others have said I think it just depends on who broke up with who.

 

I'm personally trying to get over a 5.5 year relationship she ended it (1.5 months ago) and I've been a wreck for most of it.

 

Part of it is my own fault, because she continues to try and call or text me and usually I respond. When I respond it just puts me back to square one, and yet she seems perfectly fine contacting me and it being just friends I guess.

 

Whenever I start to not talk to her I get to doing a little better, and it's like she senses it, and sends me some sort of communication.

 

In the end I feel like in almost all cases who ever got dumped is the one who can't handle it, with no gender preference at all.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree wholeheartedly with your post!

I actually think it is strong of men to show their emotions because it is generally thought of as weak or men to show emotions or cry. I've always felt thankful to be female as it is much more acceptable in this society for me to show my feelings, I would hate to have to hide them most of the time, what a strain I feel sorry for men in this respect tbh.

I find it hard that my ex and current partner find it hard to open up, although my ex found it easier over time, I struggle sometimes with my current partner as I often feel I am guessing what he is feeling, although he tries to open up, but it's not something which can be forced, it would just be so much easier to communicate, especially in an LDR! Not that I would give him a hard time over it, it's not like he is deliberately doing it, it's just not easy for him.

 

 

I am sorry to hear of so many losses in such a short time, and I hope you are doing well. I just wanted to say to the original question's title that men seem to be bred to tough things out. They may hurt, suffer, and feel like us, but it is discouraged that they show it from youth. They are called sissies if they cry, and so on. It's a sad truth that many men are probably hurting just as badly as we are, but they don't feel that they can open up like we do. I think they have it a bit rough. I also think they could choose to shake up that old-fashioned expectation, though, and sometimes just show what is going on. Some marriages could have probably been saved that way. In the interest of not generalizing, there are emotional, open men out there and they have found women who are as cold as men. So, I guess I am saying it may be a nature/nurture thing.

[james3232]

Gender is irrelevant. It depends completely on who cares/cared more.

 

 

Well said.

[isitreal]

I think physically attractive women probably recover incredibly quickly and possibly never feel ****ty after getting dumped.

 

I still can't get my ex off my mind, it's been almost 4 months since we broke up. I dumped her, not because I wanted to, but because I thought it'd be better for her to work on her own personal issues, because she obviously didn't want to or felt it wasn't necessary to talk about/work on them with me.

 

My ex is good looking enough to have random strangers try and pick her up whenever she goes out, even just to sit and grab coffee. I'm not saying all girls can just F**K another guy to get over their ex, but honestly, if you have more choices, you get that confidence back much quicker, AND since dating is a numbers game, I'm sure she'll prob never work on herself, is already over me and probably gaging her options with like 10 other dudes.

 

Life sucks right now.

[ohno89]

I think physically attractive women probably recover incredibly quickly and possibly never feel ****ty after getting dumped.

 

My ex is good looking enough to have random strangers try and pick her up whenever she goes out, even just to sit and grab coffee. I'm not saying all girls can just F**K another guy to get over their ex, but honestly, if you have more choices, you get that confidence back much quicker, AND since dating is a numbers game, I'm sure she'll prob never work on herself, is already over me and probably gaging her options with like 10 other dudes.

 

Life sucks right now.

 

Okay, I completely get what you're saying but NOT always true! I get that they can maybe build up their confidence, worth, esteem, whatever you wanna call it, up again but it really does depend on the individual and the relationship/break-up.

 

Without sounding conceited, I had a various boys that were interested in me while i was still with my ex and more so after me and my ex broke up. I could've slept around, attention-seeked and flirted my ass off to make myself feel better about my ex but it didn't really help. It might've for a while but at the end of the day, he was the only one on my mind and our break-up and him cheating on me still happened; even still, no one came close to him in my eyes, despite how he treated me.

 

I understand that attractive people stand a better chance at getting some action or finding a new partner but these people - unless they're truly over their ex - are either just being flippant or rebounding. Attractive, sensible girls know this isn't the best way to handle things!

[isitreal]

Okay, I completely get what you're saying but NOT always true! I get that they can maybe build up their confidence, worth, esteem, whatever you wanna call it, up again but it really does depend on the individual and the relationship/break-up.

 

Without sounding conceited, I had a various boys that were interested in me while i was still with my ex and more so after me and my ex broke up. I could've slept around, attention-seeked and flirted my ass off to make myself feel better about my ex but it didn't really help. It might've for a while but at the end of the day, he was the only one on my mind and our break-up and him cheating on me still happened; even still, no one came close to him in my eyes, despite how he treated me.

 

I understand that attractive people stand a better chance at getting some action or finding a new partner but these people - unless they're truly over their ex - are either just being flippant or rebounding. Attractive, sensible girls know this isn't the best way to handle things!

 

I don't know if she's really over me, but she explicitly called me to tell me she WAS over me and that she met a guy and they hit it off, stayed at his place till 6am, told me they have a ridiculous connection, is flying across the country to see him... I treated her as best as I could, never cheated on her, told her everything about myself, changed habits for her...but she couldn't do the same to me, and hit me with this at the end...damnn.....should of added sensible in my filter list for potential girls...

Edited September 20, 2010 by isitreal

[Ajax]

I don't know if she's really over me, but she explicitly called me to tell me she WAS over me and that she met a guy and they hit it off, stayed at his place till 6am, told me they have a ridiculous connection, is flying across the country to see him... I treated her as best as I could, never cheated on her, told her everything about myself, changed habits for her...but she couldn't do the same to me, and hit me with this at the end...damnn.....should of added sensible in my filter list for potential girls...

 

 

That's rather crass of her. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much! If she called to tell you this, and throw it in your face, she's not over you.

[ohno89]

That's rather crass of her. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much! If she called to tell you this, and throw it in your face, she's not over you.

 

Agreed! She is not a nice person and shouldn't be telling you these things...my ex was a jerk but (and even if he did it for HIS sake, which I doubt but whatever), even he at least deleted me off FB to stop me seeing pictures of him and his new g/f, the girl he cheated on me with. I can't IMAGINE if he actually called me up to tell me that stuff....please go NC!!

[really-broken]

I feel the opposite way of the title of this thread, and that is because I am going through a tough breakup myself right now. I am a 24 year old guy and it's been a few months since my breakup - I cried at least 4 times, twice of them when she was still here and once in her arms. I do not know if she cried at all because of our breakup. I cry when I miss her, though because of conditioning and other things, I can't burst out crying, it just comes out as murmurs and just tears going down my eyes. I was only able to truly cry twice and once with her and once over the phone.

 

About a month ago we were on the phone and we were getting to a very touchy subject and I really felt the tears coming and I became speechless, its like becoming speechless is a defense mechanism against crying. I don't know.

 

She seems to be doing fine and I am completely miserable most of the time. But that's just life, and our circumstances.

[SadGirl23]

Well, I look at it this way. I'm the dumpee and is a female. I feel my ex handled the breakup quite well with no emotions because not only he is the dumper, but because he is a male. So he probably don't give 2 cents about anything because he is a man, and men are supposed to act tough like they don't give a f***! so, I just take it that he didn't give a f*** about our relationship.

 

So, the men on LS who do give a f*** about their breakup, and is crying and pouring their hearts out on this forum, well, I wish I could of met one of them. Maybe if the shoe was on the other foot and the men on LS wanted to breakup with their girlfriends to be with another girl, then they probably would be just like every other dude, not giving a f***?? who knows ??? confusing, but makes me sad

[jeff2321]

I'm a man and it has taken me an incredible amount of energy to get through my breakup. My ex is super connected with umteen thousand friends and her family is large. My family is small and my friends are pretty limited because everyone that knew my ex basically cut ties with me.

 

So other than working, salsa dancing, and lifting weights I really don't do much else. I've met some people through salsa dancing which have helped me and I've re-established friendships with some old friends back before I dated my ex... but believe me... women are just way more equipped to deal with a breakup. I'm probably not even a figment in my ex's imagination at this point and I'm sure she has probably already hooked up with several dudes to put that final 'closure' to the relationship. It hurts even thinking about it.

 

Women can basically get laid anytime they want ( women control sex ) and so if they need to get sex to get through their breakup, they will -- it's basically on tap 24/7 if they want it. Men on the other hand have it the opposite and have to actually convince a girl to have sex with them and they often will bull**** the girl just to get it because they are desperate.

 

Women are simply better at recovering because they are born masters at communication, relationships, and they control who gets laid and who doesn't. Also women are great about listening to each other and letting out emotion -- Guys really don't give a **** if your girl dumped you... they don't want to hear about it...

 

Just my opinion of course.

 

Jeff

[Sonolumino]

I agree with Jeff. How many guys can go up to the bar and say "Ok who wants to have sex with me tonight?" and get 5 or 6 girls jump at that opportunity. None. Girls can do that however and get many responses. I've been devastated/numb for 2.5 months and she's out banging another guy within 5 weeks. This entire thread is ridiculous.

[HopeLove]

I also think it depends on who dumped who. The dumper has is easier, as some of you said, they don't get the feeling of rejection and abandonment.

I've been on both sides and although as a dumper I truly cared and still care about him it's just not the same.

In my current situation I'm the dumpee. Eventhough I could have had sex if I wanted I didn't want to because I was (and I guess I'm still) in love with my ex. Although stupid I felt it would have been like cheating on him. I just couldn't be with someone else and also although I felt miserable I never needed an ego boost. I felt miserable because I lost him and thought he was "the one", not because I thought there was something wrong about me.

[really-broken]

Well, I look at it this way. I'm the dumpee and is a female. I feel my ex handled the breakup quite well with no emotions because not only he is the dumper, but because he is a male. So he probably don't give 2 cents about anything because he is a man, and men are supposed to act tough like they don't give a f***! so, I just take it that he didn't give a f*** about our relationship.

 

So, the men on LS who do give a f*** about their breakup, and is crying and pouring their hearts out on this forum, well, I wish I could of met one of them. Maybe if the shoe was on the other foot and the men on LS wanted to breakup with their girlfriends to be with another girl, then they probably would be just like every other dude, not giving a f***?? who knows ??? confusing, but makes me sad

 

In my case it was a mutual breakup, but a few weeks after the breakup (since she was the one who moved away, and that was the main reason we broke up) it quickly changed to me feeling like I was the one dumped, especially after finding out she had sex only a couple of weeks after. As I mentioned before, I was the one who was very emotional about the breakup, and 4 months after still recovering and also without any sex - meanwhile I know she's been with a couple of guys already. I agree with Jeff - at least if you are not an alpha male, really confident, super hot, or have lots of money, as a guy you will either be lucky, or have to try really hard to get laid (at least after a breakup, but also in general), and although I do not know this first hand, I am sure that getting laid at least a few times will help with the recovery process.

 

Meanwhile, all the girls I've been meeting, and especially online, have this one piece of advice to give me: that I have to take time on my own to get over it and heal before I meet someone new, and that because I'm lonely I should not be looking for someone else. This does not make sense to me. yes I do need time to heal, but at the same time finding someone else is part of the healing. It was for my ex. WTF!

 

To the OP, I am sure if you met me you would see that guys are not all callous and insensitive. I give love all that I have, I still love my ex despite all that happened. Of course she doesn't love me the same way any more, and maybe I am completely nuts, but I still have hope.

 

Sorry I know this thread is not about me, I just needed to vent.

[pandagirl]

Most guys cope by getting drunk, having empty, meaningless sex with random women and basically distracting themselves. It doesn't mean they're not hurting, it's just that they aren't crying and sussing it out with their friends.

 

I truly believe that if there real love between two people, whether you're the dumper or dumpee, you're going to be hurting.

 

When I accused my ex of being an emotional robot after our breakup, he admitted to me, "Just because I appear one way, it doesn't mean it's how I really feel."

 

Even after talking to him the other night after a month of NC, he sounded really down and sad. I'm not saying he's been secretly crying in his room, but for the most part, men don't show or will admit they're hurting.