Am I filling the void his LDR gf leaves him with?

[bethechange]

Thanks for reading, any advice would be great.

 

I'm 20 and go to college on the East Coast, my best friend since high school is a guy, and he goes to school in the West Coast. He has a girlfriend who goes to school a few hours away, and they got together in HS, broke up, got together again and have been in a LDR for a little over a year now. So they've been on/off for over 4 years, 2 years LD.

 

He's always been in relationships while I've just gone on bad dates. I was never in love with my guy friend in HS (he always had a gf, we were strictly platonic) until I admit I developed feelings for him when they broke up and he was single, we spent a lot of time together and I felt a mutual attraction. We did couple-things, like cuddle, hold hands, watch movies and eat out together. Never kissed, almost did. He said he'd marry me one day. I got smitten. I never am physically that close with guy friends, so I started falling for him. An abrupt end to summer put anything blossoming on hold, and we went to our separate schools for the new school year. When I got back after that year he had gotten back with his gf. Didn't tell me, found out myself. It did upset me. I finally got over it and saw other people, nothing serious. Then the same patterns started again this year, where we are flirty when we're alone, and drunk, but we never cross the line. He's still with his gf.

 

I am very close to my guy friend, we admire each other as people, respect each others talents, have a lot of beliefs and interests in common, and are on the same page on a lot of things. I'm his best friend and we tell each other everything and he's opened up about his relationship. His gf was studying abroad, they stayed together, but went weeks at a time not speaking. I talked to him everyday. He says it wasn't really a relationship with her, that it didn't really count. He's told me his gf has commitment issues, has a tendency to be selfish, and this bothers him. Even now he makes comments about how she doesn't exist to anyone because no one ever sees them together. She is always traveling seeing friends, leaving him behind. He admits he over-commits, which to me, is probably why they are still together. She, only now that she is not studying abroad, has decided to really commit to him. She's gotten clingy, talks to him everyday now, and is finally returning the attention he's always given her (his words).

 

My friend and I still talk everyday. I admit, I am feeling jealous. Why can she treat him barely like a bf for a year while she's off doing her own thing, never committing to him, only deciding to commit now when she is feeling lonely and not traveling? I've been the one consistent girl in his life. Why does he stay with her? I know some things bother him about her. He constantly tells me they fight and he is tired of LDRs and wants to really be with someone, and compares her to me. I am not like her at all, he says I'm selfless, etc.

 

I blame myself for being the female friend that filled the void she left him while she was abroad. I feel like he turned to me when he felt neglected and turned to me when they had broken up, and I was always there. So he had a real gf away and a pseudo one at home. I mistook that attention for love, and fell for him. Then when she was back, closer in proximity, they picked up where they left off. I was left hurt. We never talked about it, but he knew I was upset. After that rough patch in our friendship, I accepted it, and we got closer again.

 

I feel like I've been strung along, even though he didn't intend to. It hurts, but I would never end our friendship because of it. We care about each other, I know he really genuinely cares about me, as a friend. I think he sees me as someone he could be with or settle down with when the time is right, I think he is attracted to me, but he won't let go of his gf. There's no reason to. He's told me something preventing us from being closer is my lack of relationship experience, while he is very experienced. Well, sorry you lead me on and I'm still recovering from it, dude! I don't know what to do about that.

 

What can I do to get over him in a romantic way? I feel like I don't date guys now because I am waiting for him. I don't want to be in a relationship, while still pining for him. I know NC is one way. I'm too available to him. If we don't text everyday, he'll think something is wrong or that I'm mad. What do I do? I don't want him to know I'm jealous. I plan on seeing other guys, trying to move on. Maybe he'll realize if he doesn't want to be with me now, someone will. I tell him about guys I'm attracted to and he sometimes asks how things are going with guys. Regardless, I'm hoping that one day, these problems in their relationship will finally end it, and he'll see me there all along. I know hoping for their breakup is not being a good friend, but I feel like she is not good for him. She didn't treat him right, and was being selfish. Man, I am just selfish too, to want him to be with me. That's not who I want to be. How can I stop being so pathetic? How can I be less available without coming off jealous or like a bad friend? How can I make him realize that no, I won't always be there waiting, and he needs to make up his mind? How can I make him stop being flirty when she's not around so I can finally move on?

 

Thanks for reading all of that, its nice to get it off my chest. I know the answer to my thread title is YES, STOP IT! haha. I just need advice. Please be honest, I need to hear it even though I've told myself what I need to do, it might wake me up to hear it from you guys.

[WTRanger]

I plan on seeing other guys, trying to move on.

 

Tell him this. Straight up and to the point. Tell him that you need to fend for yourself for a bit, without him in your life.

 

Where you at is you can either put on your big girl undies and tell him the truth and be honest with how you feel. Or, you can continue to pine away in this pit of despair you've built yourself. You can continue to hope and pray that one day he'll be pulled in by the gravity of your feelings. It's really up to you.