I will go down with this ship & I wont put my hands up and surrender

[lostsoulinboston]

I’m at wits end missing my lover.. Lying there in bed next to her but without her warm love is bearing too much for my soul. My soul….missing it’s vital part, feels forever lost searching for my mate. Deep, cold and lost I’m so confused and paralyzed with fear. Fear that I will not find her and not being whole together. Aching pain crashing through me with every throbbing heart beat. And with every beating of the heart the pain grows inside with emptiness from the absents of her love.

 

 

Even with this crippling pain I have hope and faith that one day we will be together again. Our souls will find each other and our hearts will mend and heal wounds. United as one beating and living as one. Complete and whole again. This faith and instinctive belief rains throughout my empty soul just waiting until the day it is replaced by her sweet and precious love.

 

 

Let my love be the beacon to her heart. Let our hearts beat together once again and let us have the unity we both long for in each other and feel the comforts and serenity of our love, affection, friendship, and connection once again.

 

 

 

Let us cleans ourselves from any doubt or fear. My love grows and hungers for her. I love you her much. I know she loves me I know we can feel together again. Is this what I really feel or am I just in so much pain I am trying to rationalize?

 

Here is my story:

 

 

 

Our relation isn't "normal" by any means. We met 7 years ago and fell in love quickly with intense passion. We had intense love for one another, great open communciation, tender care and consideration, respect...pretty much everything you can ask for. The problem really was with me. I started to drift apart emotionally. I was not in tuned with myself and thus lead to us not connecting together. So my "wife" tried so hard to connect. It became all about me from that point forward. For about 4 years now it was all about me. Because of this she lost connection with herself. The strange thing is that once in a while I would be "myself" again. Feel as if I was in tunned with myself and thus in tunned with her. And when this happened we connected with so much passion it hurt so much for her to see me go. I have had (and still do have) sleeping problems for 5 years and been on ambien for a few months now and one of the strange side effects is that every night i take this, I "come back" and be myself talk to her like I used to, touch her and look at her like I used to, make love with intensity and deep connection. But the next morning I do not remember. Complete memory lost. This is not out of the ordinary. Ambien is a scary drug. So every morning she experienced my death (meaning I would be back in my shell without connection) and deep inside her she knew I needed to take ambien but dreaded it because of the pain it caused her.

 

 

 

For the past few months she and her friend at work had an emotional connection. This connection obviously because I could not give to her. This lead to the affair. She said it didn't lead to anything else but doesn't really matter does it? I don't think so. It hurts just as much... I don't know. All I know is what I feel.

 

 

 

We both recently found out from my doctors that I have a rare hormone and chemical embalance that cripled me for many many years...possibly 5 - 6 years. Which lead to deep depression without even knowing it. Adding to that the lack of sleep and heavy dosage of sleep medication every day for 5 years did not help to the problem. I recently told her hold I felt about her. How she means so much to me and how I feel so horrible about leaving her with the monster I was when I was not myself for many years. But now, she doesn't feel for me. She still loves me and cares for me but doesn't feel it. She is emotionally drained and doens't know what she wants. She feels right with the other guy. I can't blame her...I do not. I understand. I'm just in pain. I know its not about me right now. But I still can't help from being hurt and feeling abandoned. It really wasn't my fault that my body chemistry and hormone turned on me. She doesn't blame me for what happened but she can't help herself from feeling for him and not feeling anything for me now. Also, she says she can't recognize herself now. She said that she would be so happy to be with me and to realize how I felt and to see me with her like this. But right now, she cannot feel anything. She cannot even feel the pain I feel. Normally she would do anything to take even the slightest discomfort away but now with this incredible heavy heart that I carry she does not even feel slightly. I can't recognize her either like this. She said that all she ever wanted was me.....right now what she knows now about how much she means to me...and how much I love her is more then she can ever dream and ask for and more. The greatest irony is that while in the past and I was in the emotional shell and didn't realize.....her greatest fear was that we would seperate and I would go on without even hurting and I would leave her devestated. Now, it might lead to that she would go and I would be devestated. Funny how life works. I still want to fight for her. Am I stupid? Or am I stupid!

 

 

 

Currently: Understand this is still all new...all this happened (finding out about my illness - 2 weeks ago finding out about affair - 1 week ago) but I have already dropped all the sleeping pills and seeing a psychologist for help. I also have done a lot of thinking. Just need some help I guess...we all do. I wrote this to her, she said thank you.

 

 

 

Since you are in a state of withdrawal, right now, you don't want me to meet your needs. But the reason why you are in this state of withdrawal is because I gave you cause for raise for this defense. I'm not going to "straighten you out" or anything like that. All I want to do is for you to enjoy your life, to make your life enjoyable. Then, I'm sure you will lower your defense and allow yourself to feel again for us and privilege me to meet your needs. I want to fully understand what you are going through and accommodate instead of trying to change it. I want to be your best friend, your lover and partner, not your adversary. Take as much time as you need. I care more about your feelings then mine. I will prove it to you and I will not do anything to hurt you again. I don't want to be selfish. You do what you need to do. I will be supportive. There is nothing more that I long for then for us to be together.... and for your happiness. At this time, you believe that your friend can offer her more than I can. It's a very self-centered time in your life, and there's nothing I can do to change that.

 

 

 

Although it is NOT about competition, the most constructive thing I can do is to prove to you that I can run circles around your friend. I can't prove it in an hour, or a day, or a week, or even a month. All I want is a chance that I can learn to meet your emotional needs as well as all your other needs. If it turns out that I can't do this...(even though it will shatter my heart) then I wish you the very best in life and know that I will always care for you. I never want you to be upset. I never want you to feel guilty. I never want you to apologies. I never want to you question why you can’t feel now. I just want you to be happy. I know it’s difficult to agonize over the past. But we can do this. It would be so much easier on the heart if we can just walk away. Consider this a learning experience and try to move on but I can’t. The reason I cannot is because I love you and that makes all the difference in the world. We can be so happy beyond reasoning…if we give it a chance.

 

 

 

I love you and always will love you.

 

 

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End. Thank you all for reading my story. I know its long, I just need as much help I can get. Thanks again!

[NEONINK]

The problem really was with me. I started to drift apart emotionally. I was not in tuned with myself and thus lead to us not connecting together. So my "wife" tried so hard to connect.

 

Why the hell do people take so long to address their problems? I wish everyone understood that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. All we have is this day.

 

Sorry to rant at you. I know you don't need to be beaten up now. Sounds like you are doing a well enough job. But, to take a person for granted all those years, then you may or may not be able to reclaim it. All you can do is learn from the past and do better in the future. That's all any of us can really count on.

 

You and I cannot change a damn thing that happened yesterday. But people, please wake up and get with "the program" called life today.

[jmargel]

Lost,

 

A situation like yours could be made into a tv story. I think you did all you can do, the only thing I would suggest is if she does contact you to truly communicate with her. Which entails more listening than talking on your part. I would go with the hope of getting her back, but with the realization that you probably won't.

 

Now not all is lost either. You have done alot of good changes for your body & mind. This is also still very new (only two weeks). What she needs is to rediscover your old self. The problem is, is getting the chance to do that. That would be totally upto her if she wants to explore that again with you, and its a fine line on not contacting her enough to show you care, to contacting her too much & pushing her away even more.

 

I believe in this scenerio all your communication should be done in person, not over the phone or email. That's way too impersonal. If you do get the chance to go out with her, do things in the past you both enjoyed (and don't talk about your problems or the situation). Right now her mind is clouded over because of this other guy in her life.

 

Most importantly you need to keep working on yourself. Usually most people won't take action until their mate has left, which is really sad. You always have to keep your mate's feelings the most important thing to you and never assume or take things for granted.