I will go down with this ship & I wont put my hands up and surrender

[lostsoulinboston]

I’m at wits end missing my lover.. Lying there in bed next to her but without her warm love is bearing too much for my soul. My soul….missing it’s vital part, feels forever lost searching for my mate. Deep, cold and lost I’m so confused and paralyzed with fear. Fear that I will not find her and not being whole together. Aching pain crashing through me with every throbbing heart beat. And with every beating of the heart the pain grows inside with emptiness from the absents of her love.

 

 

Even with this crippling pain I have hope and faith that one day we will be together again. Our souls will find each other and our hearts will mend and heal wounds. United as one beating and living as one. Complete and whole again. This faith and instinctive belief rains throughout my empty soul just waiting until the day it is replaced by her sweet and precious love.

 

 

Let my love be the beacon to her heart. Let our hearts beat together once again and let us have the unity we both long for in each other and feel the comforts and serenity of our love, affection, friendship, and connection once again.

 

 

 

Let us cleans ourselves from any doubt or fear. My love grows and hungers for her. I love you her much. I know she loves me I know we can feel together again. Is this what I really feel or am I just in so much pain I am trying to rationalize?

 

Here is my story:

 

 

 

Our relation isn't "normal" by any means. We met 7 years ago and fell in love quickly with intense passion. We had intense love for one another, great open communciation, tender care and consideration, respect...pretty much everything you can ask for. The problem really was with me. I started to drift apart emotionally. I was not in tuned with myself and thus lead to us not connecting together. So my "wife" tried so hard to connect. It became all about me from that point forward. For about 4 years now it was all about me. Because of this she lost connection with herself. The strange thing is that once in a while I would be "myself" again. Feel as if I was in tunned with myself and thus in tunned with her. And when this happened we connected with so much passion it hurt so much for her to see me go. I have had (and still do have) sleeping problems for 5 years and been on ambien for a few months now and one of the strange side effects is that every night i take this, I "come back" and be myself talk to her like I used to, touch her and look at her like I used to, make love with intensity and deep connection. But the next morning I do not remember. Complete memory lost. This is not out of the ordinary. Ambien is a scary drug. So every morning she experienced my death (meaning I would be back in my shell without connection) and deep inside her she knew I needed to take ambien but dreaded it because of the pain it caused her.

 

 

 

For the past few months she and her friend at work had an emotional connection. This connection obviously because I could not give to her. This lead to the affair. She said it didn't lead to anything else but doesn't really matter does it? I don't think so. It hurts just as much... I don't know. All I know is what I feel.

 

 

 

We both recently found out from my doctors that I have a rare hormone and chemical embalance that cripled me for many many years...possibly 5 - 6 years. Which lead to deep depression without even knowing it. Adding to that the lack of sleep and heavy dosage of sleep medication every day for 5 years did not help to the problem. I recently told her hold I felt about her. How she means so much to me and how I feel so horrible about leaving her with the monster I was when I was not myself for many years. But now, she doesn't feel for me. She still loves me and cares for me but doesn't feel it. She is emotionally drained and doens't know what she wants. She feels right with the other guy. I can't blame her...I do not. I understand. I'm just in pain. I know its not about me right now. But I still can't help from being hurt and feeling abandoned. It really wasn't my fault that my body chemistry and hormone turned on me. She doesn't blame me for what happened but she can't help herself from feeling for him and not feeling anything for me now. Also, she says she can't recognize herself now. She said that she would be so happy to be with me and to realize how I felt and to see me with her like this. But right now, she cannot feel anything. She cannot even feel the pain I feel. Normally she would do anything to take even the slightest discomfort away but now with this incredible heavy heart that I carry she does not even feel slightly. I can't recognize her either like this. She said that all she ever wanted was me.....right now what she knows now about how much she means to me...and how much I love her is more then she can ever dream and ask for and more. The greatest irony is that while in the past and I was in the emotional shell and didn't realize.....her greatest fear was that we would seperate and I would go on without even hurting and I would leave her devestated. Now, it might lead to that she would go and I would be devestated. Funny how life works. I still want to fight for her. Am I stupid? Or am I stupid!

 

 

 

Currently: Understand this is still all new...all this happened (finding out about my illness - 2 weeks ago finding out about affair - 1 week ago) but I have already dropped all the sleeping pills and seeing a psychologist for help. I also have done a lot of thinking. Just need some help I guess...we all do. I wrote this to her, she said thank you.

 

 

 

Since you are in a state of withdrawal, right now, you don't want me to meet your needs. But the reason why you are in this state of withdrawal is because I gave you cause for raise for this defense. I'm not going to "straighten you out" or anything like that. All I want to do is for you to enjoy your life, to make your life enjoyable. Then, I'm sure you will lower your defense and allow yourself to feel again for us and privilege me to meet your needs. I want to fully understand what you are going through and accommodate instead of trying to change it. I want to be your best friend, your lover and partner, not your adversary. Take as much time as you need. I care more about your feelings then mine. I will prove it to you and I will not do anything to hurt you again. I don't want to be selfish. You do what you need to do. I will be supportive. There is nothing more that I long for then for us to be together.... and for your happiness. At this time, you believe that your friend can offer her more than I can. It's a very self-centered time in your life, and there's nothing I can do to change that.

 

 

 

Although it is NOT about competition, the most constructive thing I can do is to prove to you that I can run circles around your friend. I can't prove it in an hour, or a day, or a week, or even a month. All I want is a chance that I can learn to meet your emotional needs as well as all your other needs. If it turns out that I can't do this...(even though it will shatter my heart) then I wish you the very best in life and know that I will always care for you. I never want you to be upset. I never want you to feel guilty. I never want you to apologies. I never want to you question why you can’t feel now. I just want you to be happy. I know it’s difficult to agonize over the past. But we can do this. It would be so much easier on the heart if we can just walk away. Consider this a learning experience and try to move on but I can’t. The reason I cannot is because I love you and that makes all the difference in the world. We can be so happy beyond reasoning…if we give it a chance.

 

 

 

I love you and always will love you.

 

 

------

End. Thank you all for reading my story. I know its long, I just need as much help I can get. Thanks again!

[midori]

Hi lostinboston,

 

All LoveShack members can see all new posts in all forums, so to post your problem more than once, in more than one forum, is redundant.

 

Thanks!

[lostsoulinboston]

My w of 7yrs has lost connection with me with an emotional affair w/ a her friend at work and she won't let him go...or say she doesn't know. says she thinks she feels happy and feels right but can't let me go yet can't feel anything with me. what is going on? and whats up with all this physical reactions??!?!?!?! I can't sleep or eat at all. I keep vommiting and now have heartburn and i cry over and over and over again and again. And the thing is, my W knows all this and knows its horrible but can't feel for me and is confused about it. this is still all new. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING.

[look forward]

lostsoulinboston I am so sorry for your pain you sound like your really suffering, and what makes it worse is that your w is still confused. Is there not anyway you guys can sit down and discuss what exactly she is confused about, either she wants to make it work with you or she doesn't she is being very infair on you and I think if she carries on this limbo act you will need to take hold of the situation for your own sanity and well being.

 

I would suggest you talk to her lay your cards and hers on the table either she stops seeing this other guy and the two of you can start to see if you can re-build your relationship or you go your seperate ways and you start to rebuild yourself..

 

Good luck love and hugs to you

XX

[Fraggles]

lost:

Try marriagebuilders.com

Go to the forum - Lots of support and advice on saving marriages

[midori]

Hi lostinboston,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly right now. Again, please, do not post mutliple threads about the same topic, as it is redundant. If you're seeking more responses to your thread you can add a new post asking for more responses -- give it a few days.

 

Good luck.

 

Best,

midori

[Tony T]

I might also add that shorter, more condensed posts are easier to read and comprehend and get far more responses.

[just reading]

Okay! we heard that you don't want him to post it twice.

The guy is in pain! leave him alone. if you can't help him, don't bother!

 

Lostsoulboston,

 

Deperssion is hard, it's illusive and there are no ways to "proove" to your partner that you are suffering, and how much.

 

I recommend you to seek a therapist that should help you sort things out better.

 

Take Care.