Should I be suspicious?

[GooseChaser]

seems about right for a gal that is covering up and deflecting to make herself look innocent when she's not. she's laying her ground work so she doesn't look bad to her family when she cheats. she's creating a reason for her bad behavior.

 

since SHE said that - call her family and ask them if THAT is what they said. get your evidence straight from them - have a specific conversation with them asking them if they said exactly that. you may be encouraged if you ask them for THEIR truth - instead of HER interpretation.

 

be honest with them without being accusatory... since that is where she will probably stay when you throw her cheating a$$ out, they may as well have fair warning of what to expect and what she's really up to.

 

 

she gaslighting you - big time.

 

why weren't you invited to her parent's house last night?

You should be able to approach your wife's family like that, too, because they are your family too, you know. Your marriage with her made you a part of her family. Don't forget that.

[GooseChaser]

"Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation..."

Don't let her fool you and abuse you. There may be some form of infidelity going on. We don't need to know all the details. Run. Now.

[jd08]

She is serious about actually thinking I did something wrong. I saw a text message exchange between her and one of her friends. Her friend's husband is a computer expert. Her friend was asking her if she wanted the friend's husband to check our computer for any incriminating evidence related to me.

 

Honestly I am so confused at this point. I just wish I had more of a "smoking gun". Even though this situation makes me sick I would just feel better if it was right there in front of me. I don't know what to do.

[YellowShark]

She is serious about actually thinking I did something wrong. I saw a text message exchange between her and one of her friends. Her friend's husband is a computer expert. Her friend was asking her if she wanted the friend's husband to check our computer for any incriminating evidence related to me.

 

CLASSIC "Gaslighting." Almost the very definition of it.

 

1) Your wife freaks out because you think she is doing something inappropriate on Facebook.

 

2) You confront her and she freaks out even more and refuses to show you - her husband - her Facebook page.

 

3) She is now turning the tables and making you out as "crazy" one.

 

4) She is even going to friends and asking their advice to make her seem like the victim in all this.

 

Honestly I am so confused at this point. I just wish I had more of a "smoking gun". Even though this situation makes me sick I would just feel better if it was right there in front of me. I don't know what to do.

 

You stand your ground and trust but verify. Let the situation cool down and install a keylogger. You'll know the truth then and the truth shall set you free.

 

You are not crazy, you did nothing wrong, she is gaslighting you.

 

Edited to add:

 

Her freakouts + a refusal to show you her Facebook page + gaslighting = RED FLAG!

Edited September 18, 2010 by YellowShark

[GooseChaser]

Totally right. Seek out the truth through her deception!

[2sunny]

she's laying the ground work to leave you. she's setting you up - to try to make it your fault, to try to make you look bad - instead of her.

 

this isn't good...

[GooseChaser]

Right. We can only go by our own thoughts and experiences in deciding the best course of action.

 

I guess for me, since I have been there before, and was gaslighted for years before finally getting the truth, I know how confusing it is to be in his shoes. You desperately don't want to believe that it could be happening but you know in your gut that the behavior is way off. It is hard to take action until there is hard proof in your hands.

 

Knowing what I know now, I would quietly install a keylogger and see what happens. I would only keep it there long enough to determine if my gut feeling is correct or not. If it is not, I would take it off promptly.

 

I don't consider that coming from a place where I have "trust issues" either. I consider it coming from a place of experience and knowledge in that situation. I am able to fully trust my fiance, but should his behavior ever swing off keel like OP's W's did, I would quietly verify.

 

It gives me the ability to...avoid the drama (you've seen it unfold here, the tears, arguments, family involvement, twisting, etc); solidly verify what's going on; address the issue much more quickly if there is something going on, or at least protect myself if the M can't be saved; eliminate the possibility that the A is taken further underground due to knowledge of my suspicions, etc.

 

I relied on a cheating H to tell me the truth. It didn't get me anywhere. I think it rarely does in reading others' experiences as well.

While you find the truth, I would recommend that you act normal and happy, and stay quiet about any private reservations you have about her behavior. Make her feel like you are giving her the benefit of the doubt, and help her to be less defensive. Perhaps she does really feel like she can't trust you for reasons we are unaware of, and if that is so, that could be affecting how she is acting. It would be valuable to get to the bottom of any trust issues in your relationship, and identifying them, working to resolve them. Try to build some trust; maybe a good talk with her about your feelings would help.

[LittleTiger]

Right. We can only go by our own thoughts and experiences in deciding the best course of action.

 

I guess for me, since I have been there before, and was gaslighted for years before finally getting the truth, I know how confusing it is to be in his shoes. You desperately don't want to believe that it could be happening but you know in your gut that the behavior is way off. It is hard to take action until there is hard proof in your hands.

 

Knowing what I know now, I would quietly install a keylogger and see what happens. I would only keep it there long enough to determine if my gut feeling is correct or not. If it is not, I would take it off promptly.

 

I don't consider that coming from a place where I have "trust issues" either. I consider it coming from a place of experience and knowledge in that situation. I am able to fully trust my fiance, but should his behavior ever swing off keel like OP's W's did, I would quietly verify.

 

It gives me the ability to...avoid the drama (you've seen it unfold here, the tears, arguments, family involvement, twisting, etc); solidly verify what's going on; address the issue much more quickly if there is something going on, or at least protect myself if the M can't be saved; eliminate the possibility that the A is taken further underground due to knowledge of my suspicions, etc.

 

I relied on a cheating H to tell me the truth. It didn't get me anywhere. I think it rarely does in reading others' experiences as well.

 

I think this is just a question of different perceptions, because I also have experience of this. I consider myself an abandoned spouse, not a BS but 'know' my ex lied to me and I'm as sure as I need to be, that it was another woman. During a visit home (whilst he was working overseas) he quickly changed his webpage when I walked into the room behind him - I know he had been reading or writing an email. He kept his phone in his pocket all the time, when previously it had sat next to mine on the table and he only used it I when he thought I wasn't looking. Our emails used to be linked but for some mysterious reason when his was linked to mine it apparently didn't work properly so he had to unlink it? Oh and he said he hadn't changed his password on his emails but I tried numerous times to access it with his usual one and guess what......?

 

I didn't need a keylogger to tell me he was up to something and was lying through his teeth. My gut instincts are usually right and they were then. When he starting making new 'moves' in bed I should have ended it there and then. I chose to ignore all of this 'proof', even though I knew I was right because I was still hanging on to the belief that we could make things right and be happy again. He told me he still loved me, wondered how I could doubt it and promised me we would grow old together. Not surprisingly, I was devastated when he ended the marriage - without warning! How stupid was I?

 

The thing is, I don't make the same mistake twice, and I'm giving the OP the benefit of my experience by saying he doesn't need more evidence. Perhaps it's me who has 'trust issues' because next time a partner of mine behaves this way they'll be out of the door so fast ...........

 

If the OP feels he wants to use a keylogger then that's what he should do. He will, as we all do, learn from his own mistakes.

 

I just hope, when he's ready he can find the courage to tell his wife it's over. The odds are she'll come crawling back one day, when she discovers the grass isn't any greener elsewhere.

[FryFish]

I would like an update from the OP...

[HawksRule]

OP, I know your wife is doing some pretty shady stuff. But it seems like you're going down a very slippery slope. Especially considering it seems like you want to make things work.

 

Ask yourself this...if your wife really was cheating on you. Would you still want to be with her? assuming she cut the stuff out?

 

If no, then I guess fine, do the key logger, find out what you need to know, so you can do what you need to do.

 

However, I would still advise against this key logger thing. I mean trust is a big part of the relationship. There needs to be trust on both sides. Everyone is claiming gas lighting, but maybe from her perspective she's suspicious because you're so suspicious?

 

Maybe she is flirting with some other guy online, but hey...is she leaving at the end of the night mysteriously? if not, it's not that bad. Why don't you try another method. It's possible yeah you may have loss that spark, the passion with her, and she's getting it from someone else (emotionally not the sex part, but hey you might want to get that back before it gets worse right?).

 

Let things cool down a little bit, just trust her (even if she's being shady). Be the man in this relationship. And maybe leave the facebook thing alone. How about instead of confronting her with trust issues. Maybe confront her with love, passion, etc. remind her why she married you. then she may realize how silly she's been, and things will be better than ever. She may open up about some things, if she really is online flirting, she may realize she doesn't need it and drop that online fool (if he exists).

 

Anyway, maybe try a different approach. fight fire with water not gasoline.

 

Just a different perspective. It seems like you don't want this marriage to go in the toilet, but you may be pushing her even farther. i.e. if she really is flirting online with some guy, and you're all in her face about her secrecy, she's just going to complain about you to more ppl. Not to mention if you actively monitor her internet, now you just made it so in order for her to complain about you and go somewhere "happy" she has to do it in person...that's not good either.

 

Okay assume you are your wife. there's a possibility you may be losing your emotional connection with your husband, pick any reasons. You decided to start flirting with a guy (or guys) online to feel loved or whatever you need. Now your husband is all on your case all the time. You're not feeling guilty, you're feeling now even more annoyed by him. You may end up hating him. and just want to leave him more. Hell he's being super untrusting and all you've been doing is talking online with people. Maybe you might get so mad, you'll give him a real reason to be angry (actually physically cheat).

 

 

All I'm saying is, she is being shady. But you are going down a slippery slope. If you want this stuff to stop. You may need to tackle it differently. be romantic, be loving, be trusting. Bring back the passion. Remind her that she doesn't just love you, but is IN love with you. If she really was doing something shady she'll probably stop. And if she does and you guys are happy then it's water under the bridge, leave it alone. Ignorance is bliss. And if she does confess to something, but you two still want to make it work, communicate and go to MC.

 

Why don't you bring her home a bouquet of flowers, tell her you've been a d*ck and that you've realized as a husband you need to trust and love her. You may start seeing some good changes with you two.

 

Good Luck.

 

p.s. My fiancee and I have been having some issues ourselves. She was doing tons of stuff that made me suspicious recently too. I actually did get on her facebook. A big gap in message dates. Honestly you'll never get the answers you're looking for by spying. I decided that I love this girl, and I need to trust her, and honestly if she was doing something bad...then she's the one being bad, not me. So I left it alone. She still goes out without me, still is texting alot. I decided to fight for her differently. I've notice every day things with us have gotten a lot better emotionally and physically. Gradually I've noticed she also isn't on facebook that often anymore, isn't texting quite as often, and when she goes out, she wants me to go out with her. Things aren't quite fixed yet for me, but I noticed this different approach is working way better than the suspicious, smothering approach.

Edited September 20, 2010 by HawksRule

[LittleTiger]

p.s. My fiancee and I have been having some issues ourselves. She was doing tons of stuff that made me suspicious recently too. I actually did get on her facebook. A big gap in message dates. Honestly you'll never get the answers you're looking for by spying. I decided that I love this girl, and I need to trust her, and honestly if she was doing something bad...then she's the one being bad, not me. So I left it alone. She still goes out without me, still is texting alot. I decided to fight for her differently. I've notice every day things with us have gotten a lot better emotionally and physically. Gradually I've noticed she also isn't on facebook that often anymore, isn't texting quite as often, and when she goes out, she wants me to go out with her. Things aren't quite fixed yet for me, but I noticed this different approach is working way better than the suspicious, smothering approach.

 

Interesting approach HawksRule and I'm glad you feel it's working for you. The thing is, for me, once the trust is broken, that's it. No going back.

 

I wanted my ex back to start with until I realised that I could never trust him not to hurt me again. I guess it all depends on the individual and your ability to rebuild the trust. For some people, and some situations, it's just not possible.

 

It would be good to hear how the OP is doing and I'm sure we'd all like to believe/find out this was a huge misunderstanding, but this kind of behaviour suggests a BIG problem in any relationship and I don't think ignoring it is the answer.

[luvstarved]

My very first thought on reading the OP was that she was probably venting to one of her girlfriends about him and did not want him to see it...I have done that before and it would be embarrassing...

 

But, it is pretty clear now that something else is going on. She refused to give the password, but then freely gave it after cleaning up her facebook.

 

I agree with installing a keylogger. You can't "decide to trust" someone when there is clear indication of something shady and deceptive going on. It is also unlikely that "communication" is going to be open when someone is clearly trying to hide something. I agree that openly demanding disclosure in these scenarios most often leads to more elaborate deception.

 

I would ostensibly drop the matter and get a keylogger. If she feels protected by her facebook "disclosure", then she will feel free to use another path to conduct whatever business she is conducting. Email, chats, with a keylogger you can see everything that is going on.

 

Of course, we WANT to trust our SOs. Nobody WANTS to feel they have to spy. You could argue that "two wrongs don't make a right" but I feel that if evidence indicates deception then you have some right to get the truth. When you have tried to get the truth directly and failed, it is better to me to take it upon yourself to get the truth with a keylogger. Otherwise, you get eaten alive with conjecture and worry, and you can't willfully parlay those into "trust", either.

 

It could be just mild flirting, curiosity, or whatever, but with a keylogger you will find out. Yes, if you see there isn't anything genuinely threatening going on, then you should remove the keylogger and move on, but when it is your only means of obtaining the truth, I say use it.

 

It isn't as though OP is just being paranoid and controlling and smothering. Something sketchy IS going on, and he will have neither trust nor peace of mind until he knows what it is.

[LittleTiger]

It isn't as though OP is just being paranoid and controlling and smothering. Something sketchy IS going on, and he will have neither trust nor peace of mind until he knows what it is.

 

To me this is already a no win situation because she is definitely up to something and she is definitely lying - so as things stand he can't trust her and if she keeps on denying it he can probably forget about ever trusting her again.

 

Now if he puts a keylogger on the computer and by some remarkable stroke of luck he finds that what she's doing is entirely innocent and then removes the keylogger - he has betrayed her trust. She doesn't know it of course, but he has to live with what he did and if she ever found out - she would be pretty angry and feel she couldn't trust him.

 

So presumably the only thing the OP could achieve by using the keylogger would be getting absolute, indisputable proof. Maybe that's all he needs but I honestly don't see how it's going to help the relationship in the long run, if he then decides, and is given the option, to mend things. Trust is broken on both sides instead of just one.

 

Tricky situation. I hope the OP comes back to update us soon.

[FryFish]

Let things cool down a little bit, just trust her (even if she's being shady). Be the man in this relationship. And maybe leave the facebook thing alone. How about instead of confronting her with trust issues. Maybe confront her with love, passion, etc. remind her why she married you. then she may realize how silly she's been, and things will be better than ever. She may open up about some things, if she really is online flirting, she may realize she doesn't need it and drop that online fool (if he exists).

lol... Read more of the threads here... You will learn that this approach is going to do exactly the opposite of making her realize she was being foolish and that she loves her husband... She already doesnt respect him... Him being a clingy doormat will only make it worse.

[luvstarved]

So presumably the only thing the OP could achieve by using the keylogger would be getting absolute, indisputable proof. Maybe that's all he needs but I honestly don't see how it's going to help the relationship in the long run, if he then decides, and is given the option, to mend things. Trust is broken on both sides instead of just one.

 

Tricky situation. I hope the OP comes back to update us soon.

 

I do see your point. To me, it is a matter of realism, and containment.

 

Complete trust, I think, is a bit idealistic. Hell, I don't even trust myself 100%. Of course, we want to be able to count on others, and do allow ourselves to do that to varying degrees...and the more the better.

 

You are technically correct in saying that a keylogger is breaking trust on the other side. This is where I start thinking about intentions. First, his intentions being vaguely honorable in that he just wants to get to the truth. Second, the truth he is trying to get to has to do with HER intentions. Is she just goofing around online and doesn't want to admit it? Or something worse?

 

By containment, I mean...that the longer things go with her possibly lying more and more over time, and him trusting less and less, the damage builds and builds. If she was having a harmless flirt or fantasy with an ex, then he would not LIKE it but it probably would not be a dealbreaker...the sooner he finds out what is really going on, IMHO, the less wreckage there will be to clean up if it's not a devastating truth.

 

I think most people will tell a white (or beige) lie once in a while to avoid a stupid argument or conversation or even to avoid having to own up to a mildly embarrassing behavior we've engaged in. I like the idea of complete honesty and openness, but don't think it happens much...and I think that is OK as long as we can trust in another person's good will and intentions.

 

The sooner he knows the truth, the sooner the work to repair or dismantle the relationship can begin.

[LittleTiger]

If she was having a harmless flirt or fantasy with an ex, then he would not LIKE it but it probably would not be a dealbreaker...the sooner he finds out what is really going on, IMHO, the less wreckage there will be to clean up if it's not a devastating truth.

 

I also see your point.

 

However, to me there is no such thing as a harmless flirt or fantasy with an ex - unless your spouse knows about it..........and the dealbreaker here is the fact that she is lying and trying to cover her tracks, even to the point of trying to make her husband look like the guilty one.

 

I guess it's up to him whether he can ever forgive her for that, regardless of what he may or may not find on her computer.

[luvstarved]

I also see your point.

 

However, to me there is no such thing as a harmless flirt or fantasy with an ex - unless your spouse knows about it..........and the dealbreaker here is the fact that she is lying and trying to cover her tracks, even to the point of trying to make her husband look like the guilty one.

 

I guess it's up to him whether he can ever forgive her for that, regardless of what he may or may not find on her computer.

 

That's the thing - to YOU there is no such thing as a harmless flirt, and maybe not to the OP either, but that's what relevant for him - HIS definition of a "dealbreaker". It's up to each of us individually to define what that is.

 

My H went through a "porn phase" for a while that I was not happy about and about which he would lie from time to time. But, it was not a dealbreaker for me, just a bone of contention that we worked through. I have personally had minor contact with exes that I had no intention of going anywhere with but which might have been blown into an issue if I had admitted it. A couple of emails, and moved on. I did not lie about it because the subject never came up but that was good with me because I would not want to get into my H feeling insecure or threatened over nothing. I have not done that in a long time but it HAS happened and the last time an ex contacted me I told him I could not interact with him in any manner because I would not like it if my H did the same with an ex of his. So, that behavior was immature but not a real threat.

 

From what OP has said...she had some FB contact with someone that she does not want to admit to. That's all we know. It may be no more than that. Further, there have been abouta bajillion articles on "how to spot a cheater" that HAVE said that a cheater will question you and be suspicious of you when THEY are the one cheating...so it isn't entirely out in left field for her to counter-suggest that he has something to hide.

 

But, there's a little something-something going on. There were two different females at my H's work over the years that raised red flags with me. I did enough detective work to convince myself that nothing was going on...and honestly believe that if I had not done so, I would to this day have lingering doubts...

 

I think we all have fleeting thoughts and fantasies about other people and maybe if someone contacts us from the past we play along briefly out of curiosity or the ego boost. I think we all internally fully realize when it is no big deal for us, but when someone else does it, being the non-mind-reading creatures we are, it makes us pretty understandably insecure. Sometimes it IS a real threat, but sometimes it really isn't.

 

Using a keylogger, I was able to get the reassurance I needed, and knowing that my intention/hope in using it was to get reassurance and not to bag a criminal, I really don't feel guilty about it...

 

In the end though it is up to the OP to define for himself what he believes is the right thing to do, and what his dealbreakers are.

[LittleTiger]

That's the thing - to YOU there is no such thing as a harmless flirt, and maybe not to the OP either, but that's what relevant for him - HIS definition of a "dealbreaker". It's up to each of us individually to define what that is.

 

On the contrary, I think harmless flirting is absolutely fine. My partner and I flirt with other people all the time (in real life not on the internet) and neither of us thinks anything of it - because we have complete trust in one another..... and the reason we have complete trust is because, if we're not actually there to see the flirting (and 'flirting' with others in front of each other does happen - although we both consider it harmless banter), we tell each other about it afterwards. Not because we feel guilty or want to confess, but because it's part of what's happened during our day and we 'share' our lives with each other.

 

There's a guy at my gym who has made it very clear he is 'interested' in me and I've made it very clear to him that it's not reciprocated - I'm taken, I'm happy and I'm not available, but we have fun with an exchange of banter and I tell my partner all about it, almost word for word sometimes. He finds it highly amusing and is happy that I'm having fun. He isn't threatened in any way because he is completely secure in our relationship. One of the reasons he is secure is because he knows I tell him everything. (I'm chatting to him right now about this thread and we're discussing it as I type).

 

I'm also still friends with my ex-husband who stayed with me for a week during the Summer (my partner and I are regularly apart for two or three months). He was/is totally fine with that because I am 100% open with him and he has no reason to doubt what I say.

 

My partner has a great body and does a lot of work outdoors with his shirt off. He frequently has women commenting on his physique as they walk past but, again, he makes it clear he's not available and I get to hear about any verbal exchange. I love it that other women find him attractive - but I know he's mine so it's no threat.

 

We can be out together somewhere and he sees a women he thinks is 'hot' (or vice versa) and we'll both have a good look. He looks at artistic photos of naked women (not porn because he thinks it's degrading and not very sexy). I know what he looks at and sometimes we look together and he'll tell me what's attractive about a particular photo, which is interesting for me because it gives me an insight into what he likes and I can understand why he looks because these women have beautiful bodies.

 

If an ex contacted me on facebook or by email I would tell my partner about it and he does the same - there's no secrecy and therefore there's no insecurity on either side and no threat to our relationship.

 

I think the difference here is in what we consider an acceptable level of trust in a relationship. If I didn't feel I could trust my partner the way that I do, if we weren't so completely open with one another about everything I couldn't be in the relationship.

 

That's why, if it was me, the situation the OP already finds himself in would be a dealbreaker, no keylogging required. Not because she's flirting, but because she is hiding it and lying to him.

 

This thread is just making me realise how lucky I am/we are because it appears that a lot of people don't have the same level of trust and security in their relationship as we do.

[luvstarved]

I think the difference here is in what we consider an acceptable level of trust in a relationship. If I didn't feel I could trust my partner the way that I do, if we weren't so completely open with one another about everything I couldn't be in the relationship.

 

That's why, if it was me, the situation the OP already finds himself in would be a dealbreaker, no keylogging required. Not because she's flirting, but because she is hiding it and lying to him.

 

This thread is just making me realise how lucky I am/we are because it appears that a lot of people don't have the same level of trust and security in their relationship as we do.

 

Well, if you have had that level of trust and security in your relationship over a long haul, then I would say you are indeed very lucky. If you have been in the relationship less than 5-10 years, I'd say you are in the honeymoon phase and the jury is still out. I felt the way you do for a full 3 years into my M...then reality started to trickle in.

 

Everyone would like to believe that it can all work out with complete transparency even as time, boredom, children, unforeseen circumstances, the building of minor resentments and various mismatched identity crises, stupid mistakes, misunderstandings, irritations and disagreements take their toll.

 

But, for me, I am a flawed human being realizing that the only meaningful relationship...or relationship at all, I can have is with some other flawed human being. Complete transparency is hard to sustain, and sometimes hard to accept. So I don't expect something like this is necessarily a dealbreaker, again, for me, it comes down to intent and growing from the experience either way.

 

The difficulties my M has been through have been substantial and if a foolish lie were enough to break it, it'd have broken ages ago. Things are better now, not because we have had perfect communication in a consistently loving and selfless spiritual union, but because we have worked like dogs through the bulls**t to understand and accept each other better, and stayed committed to the marriage.

 

I've been advised many many times on FB to get the hell out of my M and understand why I have been given that advice, and I have considered it. I've also been told many times that my determination was admirable...I don't know about that but it is real. And it has begun to pay off at last.

 

But again OP has to define his own dealbreakers. We all have a right to them, I just think some are more "reasonable" than others. If his wife has bad intent, then I think he should bail. If she has just done something stupid and immature, I think he should hang in there and strengthen his M by working through it with her. I think his instincts will eventually convince him as to what's what. But a keylogger would expedite the process.

[LittleTiger]

Well, if you have had that level of trust and security in your relationship over a long haul, then I would say you are indeed very lucky. If you have been in the relationship less than 5-10 years, I'd say you are in the honeymoon phase and the jury is still out. I felt the way you do for a full 3 years into my M...then reality started to trickle in.

 

The relationship I'm in now is only a year old, but my marriage lasted 10 years and we had that level of trust for the entire marriage. The incident I described earlier is what broke my trust and that didn't happen until we'd been living apart for 8 months.

 

One of the reasons I married my ex was because he was the only man I'd ever felt that level of trust with. I think it's possible, and for me necessary, in a committed relationship. I'm very lucky to have found another man who feels the same and I don't believe it's unrealistic to expect it to continue provided we work on maintaining good communication and intimacy.

 

However, as you say, it's for the OP to make his own decision and it doesn't look as though we're ever going to know what that is.

Edited September 22, 2010 by LittleTiger

[luvstarved]

The relationship I'm in now is only a year old, but my marriage lasted 10 years and we had that level of trust for the entire marriage. The incident I described earlier is what broke my trust and that didn't happen until we'd been living apart for 8 months.

 

One of the reasons I married my ex was because he was the only man I'd ever felt that level of trust with. I think it's possible, and for me necessary, in a committed relationship. I'm very lucky to have found another man who feels the same and I don't believe it's unrealistic to expect it to continue provided we work on maintaining good communication and intimacy.

 

However, as you say, it's for the OP to make his own decision and it doesn't look as though we're ever going to know what that is.

 

Well, I am happy for you and wish you the best. I do not mean to say that we should invite trouble, expect trouble, cynically insist that trouble's a-coming, or think that trouble is A-OK and must be routinely accepted. All I am saying is that a policy of running at the first sign of it might not be a good long term strategy. It's not unrealistic to expect things to continue as they are, it is also not unrealistic to expect that they might change...life happens. For better or worse!

 

And I too wonder what happened to the OP...

[LittleTiger]

Well, I am happy for you and wish you the best. I do not mean to say that we should invite trouble, expect trouble, cynically insist that trouble's a-coming, or think that trouble is A-OK and must be routinely accepted. All I am saying is that a policy of running at the first sign of it might not be a good long term strategy. It's not unrealistic to expect things to continue as they are, it is also not unrealistic to expect that they might change...life happens. For better or worse!

 

Don't get me wrong, my marriage wasn't a bed of roses - we'd still be married if it was. We had our fair share of 'troubles', as you call them, but I can honestly say that trust wasn't one of them and it certainly wasn't the reason we split. I'm as sure as I can be that whatever crops up in my current relationship, as of course things will, trust won't be an issue - if it is, relationship over - it's my number one dealbreaker......but I'm sure you've worked that one out already.