Should I be suspicious?

[GooseChaser]

Update**

 

I confronted her tonight about it. She admitted sending a few messages back and forth with an old bf but insisted that all she said was "congrats on getting married and becoming a father."

 

Strangely enough he isn't her FB friend but she sent him private messages instead. I asked if I could see the messages to verify her story. She said I couldn't bc they were already deleted. She laughed at my suggestion that she had any romantic interest whatsoever in this guy.

 

I don't know what to think. Still very skeptical of the deleted messages and covert communications. I want to believe her but it is hard to do so for some reason.

On the bright side, she told you about the deleted messages. She didn't have to do that. Maybe you could ask her not to delete messages so quickly.

[whichwayisup]

Update**

 

I confronted her tonight about it. She admitted sending a few messages back and forth with an old bf but insisted that all she said was "congrats on getting married and becoming a father."

 

Strangely enough he isn't her FB friend but she sent him private messages instead. I asked if I could see the messages to verify her story. She said I couldn't bc they were already deleted. She laughed at my suggestion that she had any romantic interest whatsoever in this guy.

 

I don't know what to think. Still very skeptical of the deleted messages and covert communications. I want to believe her but it is hard to do so for some reason.

 

Bull. She covered her ass and give you a crap story. If it was no big deal, why did she delete the messages? Did you ask her why she logs out as you walk in the room?

 

Make her look you in the eyes and tell you there's absolutely NOTHING going on. Watch her reaction, her eyes, if she blushes, or something out of the ordinary. She's your wife, you know her well. Anyway, as I said before, she may not be 'cheating' physically, but she could very well be having a cyber fling/flirt session with him, and acting totally inappropriately.

 

Do you know this guy's name?

[LittleTiger]

LOL. OP's wife is deliberately hiding her face book activities from him. Nice of you to turn that lack of trust around on him. If the OP's wife was trustworthy, and trusted her husband, she wouldn't be hiding what she's doing from him.

 

I wasn't turning the lack of trust on him at all. I was saying, assuming he values his marriage, that installing a keylogger (whatever that is, but I'm aware it's some sort of spying device), the instant you have suspicions is hasty!

 

If it turned out there was a genuine reason for her behaviour (which personally I didn't believe but she isn't my wife and I don't know her!), what damage would it do to the marriage if she then found out he'd been spying.

 

Open communication should always be the first option in a marriage - ALWAYS!

 

As it turns out, it seems she is up to something, in my opinion, but I still wouldn't start spying. Spying is a last resort.

[LittleTiger]

Bull. She covered her ass and give you a crap story. If it was no big deal, why did she delete the messages? Did you ask her why she logs out as you walk in the room?

 

Make her look you in the eyes and tell you there's absolutely NOTHING going on. Watch her reaction, her eyes, if she blushes, or something out of the ordinary. She's your wife, you know her well. Anyway, as I said before, she may not be 'cheating' physically, but she could very well be having a cyber fling/flirt session with him, and acting totally inappropriately.

 

Do you know this guy's name?

 

Yep, I agree with this. She is up to something.

 

Deleting messages immediately is a sure sign she's got something to hide.

 

I knew a real playboy once who had a long term girlfriend. I asked him how he managed to keep his 'activities' a secret from his girlfriend (I didn't know her and I didn't approve by the way). He said most of his communication was by email or text and he always deleted everything immediately it was sent or received. Classic rule he said!

 

Coupled with your intimacy issues I'd say you have a problem.

 

My own tactic would be to tell her you 'know' she's up to something so she might as well come clean.

 

Then insist she makes you a friend on facebook (if you don't already have an account, open one), and you want open access to her email accounts.

 

Then see what happens.

 

I'm really sorry jd08, I'm always prepared to give people the benefit of doubt to start with, but her behaviour so far has 'guilty' written all over it.

[GooseChaser]

If she really is exchanging innocent messages that don't need to be hidden, she should have no problem leaving them undeleted and showing them to you first so you can see that nothing is going on.

[InternationalPlayboy]

I wasn't turning the lack of trust on him at all. I was saying, assuming he values his marriage, that installing a keylogger (whatever that is, but I'm aware it's some sort of spying device), the instant you have suspicions is hasty!

 

If it turned out there was a genuine reason for her behaviour (which personally I didn't believe but she isn't my wife and I don't know her!), what damage would it do to the marriage if she then found out he'd been spying.

 

Open communication should always be the first option in a marriage - ALWAYS!

 

As it turns out, it seems she is up to something, in my opinion, but I still wouldn't start spying. Spying is a last resort.

 

Agreed. The only time cops spy or go undercover is when they already have all the evidence they need but want something clear and concise to present to the jury. Spying in relationships often says more about the spy's insecurities than the person being spied upon.

[LittleTiger]

Ummm? I think you're overanalysing my post just a tad IR.

 

My precise point was exactly what I said initially - the first option is to talk to your wife - NOT go straight to keylogging (which I understand is some kind of device for snooping at someone's online activities?). My dig about lack of trust was at the poster who suggested keylogging, NOT at the OP.

 

Of course talking is necessary, that was exactly my point. If you've ever read any of my other posts you'll see that I advocate communication as the first thing in nearly every case. I don't have to explain my reasoning any better than that. That's my opinion. Talk first - always!

 

I used the term 'spying' because I thought a keylogger was 'spying equipment' - apologies for my ignorance. You're right I'm not a WS. I just can't think of another term to describe what I think a keylogger is used for!

 

The second option, as I said again, is to ask for full access to her accounts.

 

The third option might involve a bit of 'spying' ie checking her phone, emails, purse, whatever.

 

Fourth option - give her an ultimatum.

 

etc etc

 

If you read my further posts on this thread you'll see that I agree his wife's action's are almost proof of guilt. I always suspected that would be the case but I don't know either the OP or his wife and I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I also see no reason to 'frighten' the OP with my own 'doom and gloom' opinions until he comes a little closer to that conclusion himself.

[jd08]

Just talked to her again and asked for her FB password. Her response "there is nothing to see." So no luck there. Things appear to only be getting worse.

[LittleTiger]

Just talked to her again and asked for her FB password. Her response "there is nothing to see." So no luck there. Things appear to only be getting worse.

 

I'm so sorry jd08. It certainly looks as though your suspicions were correct.

 

I would say to her now 'if there's nothing to see then you won't mind letting me have your password?'.

 

If she still says no, I'd tell her that her actions, and her refusal, suggest she has something to hide and ask her to sleep in the spare room/on the couch until she's prepared to be more open with you.

 

I'd also start checking her phone if you have access to that, although I suspect any evidence will be long gone.

 

The sooner you get to the truth the better.

[jd08]

Just talked to her again re: FB password. She got upset and yelled/cried at me. Says again there is nothing to see. At this point I'm just beating my head against the wall as she clearly isn't going to allow access to the account. I think she thinks I am being distrustful (which I am)

 

Time for a keylogger I guess.

[LittleTiger]

Just talked to her again re: FB password. She got upset and yelled/cried at me. Says again there is nothing to see. At this point I'm just beating my head against the wall as she clearly isn't going to allow access to the account. I think she thinks I am being distrustful (which I am)

 

Time for a keylogger I guess.

 

((((Hugs)))) jd08. I am so sorry.

 

I hate to say it, but I have to agree. I wouldn't trust her either now.

[jenifer1972]

Of course by the time you get the key logger her FB will be empty. But you may find other things. If she was just congratulating an old flame on the birth of a child she could have posted that on his WALL, not sent cozy little secret messages that then needed deleting. Totally fishy..

[GooseChaser]

She's definitely hiding something. You have good reason to be suspicious. Handle this however you feel is best, but don't let her get away with this. She is being sneaky and untrustworthy. Maybe you need to have a talk with her.

[flying]

Just talked to her again re: FB password. She got upset and yelled/cried at me. Says again there is nothing to see. At this point I'm just beating my head against the wall as she clearly isn't going to allow access to the account. I think she thinks I am being distrustful (which I am)

 

Time for a keylogger I guess.

 

Oh ugh. I'm so sorry jd...between this and your other thread (about lack of sex in the relationship), it does sound like something really fishy is going on. I think you said over there that she's a SAHM, and that you didn't think she'd have the opportunity to cheat - but she'd have plenty of time, it seems, for an online EA.

 

I'm not a huge proponent of keylogging, but I can see that asking hasn't gotten you anywhere. Are you prepared to draw a line in the sand? It's clear she's covering something up; it's just not clear yet what that is or how serious it is.

[YellowShark]

Just talked to her again re: FB password. She got upset and yelled/cried at me. Says again there is nothing to see. At this point I'm just beating my head against the wall as she clearly isn't going to allow access to the account. I think she thinks I am being distrustful (which I am)

 

Time for a keylogger I guess.

 

Sorry to hear what you are going through jd08.

 

But seriously - (and with only the best intentions) - if she is refusing to show her husband her Facebook account she is hiding something she doesn't want her husband to see.

[2sunny]

Just talked to her again re: FB password. She got upset and yelled/cried at me. Says again there is nothing to see. At this point I'm just beating my head against the wall as she clearly isn't going to allow access to the account. I think she thinks I am being distrustful (which I am)

 

Time for a keylogger I guess.

 

well by now, if there was anything to see - she's already gotten rid of all of her evidence. she's definitely covering for something.

 

when there's nothing to hide - people hide nothing.

 

tell her since she's acting untrustworthy and seems to be acting sneaky - you'd like her to move out. if she has nothing to hide - she wouldn't hesitate to give you her password. since she won't - she may as well get out.

 

if she's comfortable - she will just continue on with what she's been doing - the idea is to make her uncomfortable since her behavior says something seems terribly "off."

 

just tell her - i can't live with someone who conveys being sneaky and untrusting. she has earned that one.

[whichwayisup]

Just talked to her again and asked for her FB password. Her response "there is nothing to see." So no luck there. Things appear to only be getting worse.

 

BULLCRAP.

 

Call her on the bluff NOW and tell her to give you the password. If she refuses again, ask her to go sleep at 'the friends' house since it seems the secretacy and her "up to no good" is more important that you and the marriage.

 

Or, time for a keylogger, and back off. Play into it and tell her you'll back off and trust her at her word..This time.

[LittleTiger]

I feel the same as far as verifying quietly. Perhaps it is trust issues, but I look at it like this...

 

A trust issue would be move evident if someone was suspicious of (part or all of the following)other friendships, time away, separate email accounts, privacy of the other person, etc. I don't think that's the case since it's not an automatic distrust of any activity, but suspicious over a change in behavior.

 

In any event, what do you think the odds are (if she's doing something wrong) that she will say, Oh I was talking to my ex about the hook up we've planned?

 

For those of us who have experience with being lied to, we know that direct approach in this type of situation is not always the best approach.

 

There seems to be some confusion over one particular post of mine. My remark about trust issues was addressed to lkjh not the OP. His immediate response to the OP was 'buy a keylogger'. I believe that talking to a spouse is the preferred option, before going down the keylogger route.

 

Personally, I think 'spying', (which I believe keylogging is - and I have no comment on the rights or wrongs of that in this situation) should be a last resort.

 

To me, anyone who recommends that the OP buys a keylogger, before at least having a conversation with his wife, probably has some trust issues from a previous relationship. I'm well aware that everybody brings their own past into the mix when responding to threads. This particular suggestion seemed hasty to me, given the limited information we'd been given by the OP - that's all.

 

Of course she's not going to admit to what she's doing - but her reaction to his questions will clarify whether there is anything suspicious going on - and it clearly has.

 

Now that he knows she's hiding something, I agree that it's worth taking more 'invasive' action.

[whichwayisup]

Just talked to her again re: FB password. She got upset and yelled/cried at me. Says again there is nothing to see. At this point I'm just beating my head against the wall as she clearly isn't going to allow access to the account. I think she thinks I am being distrustful (which I am)

 

Time for a keylogger I guess.

 

Tell her HER reaction and behaviour now warrents you to know exactly what she's been up to. Make her OWN it and come clean now before things get worse.

 

She is caught, she knows it and is freaking out.

 

You aren't trusting her because of HER behaviour! Don't let her put this on you!

 

What part of "There's nothing to see" that she doesn't get? If there is nothing to see, then she should have NO problem showing you her facebook.

[LittleTiger]

Tell her HER reaction and behaviour now warrents you to know exactly what she's been up to. Make her OWN it and come clean now before things get worse.

 

She is caught, she knows it and is freaking out.

 

You aren't trusting her because of HER behaviour! Don't let her put this on you!

 

What part of "There's nothing to see" that she doesn't get? If there is nothing to see, then she should have NO problem showing you her facebook.

 

Agreed - she's guilty as charged - you have every reason not to trust her now.

 

At the very least I would get her out of your bed until she's willing to talk.

[GooseChaser]

Personally, it's troubling to me that she cannot be honest with her husband and communicate. She just wants her husband to leave her alone, since she likely knows she's doing something wrong.

 

While you are at it, OP, you could also quietly let the issue die down for a bit, let her relax and get her guard down, amd continue to observe trends in her behavior, and note anything suspicious and strange in your mind. Don't make it obvious that you are watching her so closely, of course. Good luck! I hope this get resolved!

[GooseChaser]

Honestly, I think it's a shame that the wife even tried to scare her husband away from the situation through shaming him. He's right to be concerned, and she DOESN'T CARE. She is his WIFE, and they should be able to trust each other and communicate openly. Something very wrong is going on, I think, and the OP needs to get to the bottom of it. He shouldn't let his wife continue sneaking around and being dishonest.

[GooseChaser]

I replied to you because I am one who also recommended keylogger first. Just giving you my perspective

 

And now, what has that conversation gotten him? Confusion and a hostile wife who knows he's onto her. Didn't accomplish much of anything did it?

He DID gain something from the conversation. She is clearly hiding something from him, as was shown by her reaction. That is important knowledge. Now he can do what he thinks is appropriate in taking action about this, whether by trying to gather more information or by just waiting and observing quietly.

[YellowShark]

...you could also quietly let the issue die down for a bit, let her relax and get her guard down, amd continue to observe trends in her behavior, and note anything suspicious and strange in your mind. Don't make it obvious that you are watching her so closely...

 

That is what you should do. Give her time to let her guard down and install a keylogger. It will confirm what she is up to. Trust but verify.

 

Don't let her gaslight you into thinking "you're the jealous one." Her actions are telegraphing that she is doing something that she does not want you - her husband - to see.

[LittleTiger]

The only open communication you can ensure is your own. How well did the open communication work for your friend who was gaslighted forever and given a large part of the real story as a diversion?

 

Sorry, I don't know what you're referring to here?

 

See where OP is now. He confronted, she told him some story, is unwilling to back up what she says and now he is left with this seed of doubt (and rightfully so). Now she can better cover her own tracks leaving him further confused. I personally don't think it bought him anything to approach it that way.

 

In my opinion, this approach has given him 'proof' that she's up to something. Her reaction says it all. If I was in his shoes, I'd make it very clear to my spouse that our marriage would not continue on this footing.

 

I wouldn't tolerate this kind of sneakiness or refusing to share passwords etc, regardless of whether there is an EA going on. If somebody won't communicate with me - it's over. (Yes, that is kickback from my own failed marriage). If my partner can't talk to me he sure as hell can't sleep with me.