Should I be suspicious?

[LittleTiger]

I replied to you because I am one who also recommended keylogger first. Just giving you my perspective

 

And now, what has that conversation gotten him? Confusion and a hostile wife who knows he's onto her. Didn't accomplish much of anything did it?

 

Yes, but you recommended keylogger after the OP questioned his wife and we had more information.

 

The reason his wife is hostile is because she is guilty as charged. I'm not sure I'd even bother with a keylogger after the way she's behaved. So yes, in my opinion, he has accomplished a lot.

[jd08]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful responses. I really appreciate the support and advice you have given me on this thread.

 

Another update. When I got home this evening she had gone to her parent's house for dinner. Her FB password was taped to the computer screen. Of course everything was deleted on her account.

 

Something else that I noticed was interesting though. A guy she had become friends with a few days ago had now been "unfriended." She had removed the notification from her page where they had become friends on Tuesday and he doesn't appear on her friends list anymore. This is a different guy than the one she told me she was supposedly sending messages to.

 

So now it just seems like the other guy was a decoy and she is trying to throw me off the path by telling me she was talking to an old bf when she was really talking to the guy she just unfriended. He is one of her former college professors who still lives in this area.

 

I found it odd that she unfriended him and then gave me her password. Very odd. Any advice on how to approach this? I think I will do like you say and play it cool for a bit and let her slip up again. But I am burning up inside. I work hard to provide for this family and she is playing games with me.

[GooseChaser]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful responses. I really appreciate the support and advice you have given me on this thread.

 

Another update. When I got home this evening she had gone to her parent's house for dinner. Her FB password was taped to the computer screen. Of course everything was deleted on her account.

 

Something else that I noticed was interesting though. A guy she had become friends with a few days ago had now been "unfriended." She had removed the notification from her page where they had become friends on Tuesday and he doesn't appear on her friends list anymore. This is a different guy than the one she told me she was supposedly sending messages to.

 

So now it just seems like the other guy was a decoy and she is trying to throw me off the path by telling me she was talking to an old bf when she was really talking to the guy she just unfriended. He is one of her former college professors who still lives in this area.

 

I found it odd that she unfriended him and then gave me her password. Very odd. Any advice on how to approach this? I think I will do like you say and play it cool for a bit and let her slip up again. But I am burning up inside. I work hard to provide for this family and she is playing games with me.

It's progress that she relented and gave you her facebook password. That's good. HOWEVER, she may find a new way to communicate outside of facebook that you don't know about. Be wary of any tricks.

[LittleTiger]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful responses. I really appreciate the support and advice you have given me on this thread.

 

Another update. When I got home this evening she had gone to her parent's house for dinner. Her FB password was taped to the computer screen. Of course everything was deleted on her account.

 

Something else that I noticed was interesting though. A guy she had become friends with a few days ago had now been "unfriended." She had removed the notification from her page where they had become friends on Tuesday and he doesn't appear on her friends list anymore. This is a different guy than the one she told me she was supposedly sending messages to.

 

So now it just seems like the other guy was a decoy and she is trying to throw me off the path by telling me she was talking to an old bf when she was really talking to the guy she just unfriended. He is one of her former college professors who still lives in this area.

 

I found it odd that she unfriended him and then gave me her password. Very odd. Any advice on how to approach this? I think I will do like you say and play it cool for a bit and let her slip up again. But I am burning up inside. I work hard to provide for this family and she is playing games with me.

 

Maybe she didn't realise that you could see she had 'unfriended' him.

 

I don't really use facebook so I don't know the in's and out's of how it works. I would guess that 'unfriending' someone would make them invisible on the account - which it obviously doesn't. If she thought the same, then she assumes she's removed all evidence and feels able to give you her password.

 

I may get slammed again for my direct approach here, but personally I think it has worked so far. My next move would be to thank her for providing the password and then ask her why she unfriended this man. I'd also ask for her email password. If she gets annoyed that you don't trust her you can be honest and tell her that, currently, you don't.

 

If you want to play it cool then obviously, do so, though I do wonder how many more 'slips' she needs to make before you are 'sure'. I wouldn't play the cool card myself - I think you have enough evidence and I don't do cool.

[2sunny]

check the history. see if she opened any new email accts... also ask her for her email password - all passwords. check the trash folder. check anything you can ahead of time - before she gets back home. check her cell bill... for any new numbers or ones that she's corresponding with that may look new to you.

 

if she won't she's still hiding more. she will lie - that's a given.

 

if she won't immediately give them all to you - then ask her to IMMEDIATELY open her accts and show you EVERYTHING right then.

 

if you give her warning or don't do it right when you ask her - you give her the opportunity to start hiding more. she must be willing to open them all right then and there with you having the availability to search for anything. if she won't she should leave - pronto.

 

if there are no consequences = then you are just rewarding her bad behavior and she will continue. it will escalate.

 

have a plan - make it painful for her if you find anything suspicious. she needs consequences if you find anything.

[2sunny]

are you able to "see" his facebook page even though she deleted him or is it private? do you have a FB page - are you on her page?

[GooseChaser]

Maybe she didn't realise that you could see she had 'unfriended' him.

 

I don't really use facebook so I don't know the in's and out's of how it works. I would guess that 'unfriending' someone would make them invisible on the account - which it obviously doesn't. If she thought the same, then she assumes she's removed all evidence and feels able to give you her password.

 

I may get slammed again for my direct approach here, but personally I think it has worked so far. My next move would be to thank her for providing the password and then ask her why she unfriended this man. I'd also ask for her email password. If she gets annoyed that you don't trust her you can be honest and tell her that, currently, you don't.

 

If you want to play it cool then obviously, do so, though I do wonder how many more 'slips' she needs to make before you are 'sure'. I wouldn't play the cool card myself - I think you have enough evidence and I don't do cool.

In my opinion, OP might want to wait on asking his wife about the man she unfriended. It doesn't seem super-urgent just yet. He doesn't need to alert her of his awareness of her choice to delete the guy or even knowing of his existence. At this point, she believes that she is in the clear and free of suspicion, and it is to the OP's advantage that she believe that. Again, let her relax, and stay cool, quiet, and observant....

Edited September 18, 2010 by GooseChaser

[LittleTiger]

In my opinion, OP might want to wait on asking his wife about the man she unfriended. It doesn't seem super-urgent just yet. He doesn't need to alert her of his awareness of her choice to delete the guy or even knowing of his existence. At this point, she believes that she is in the clear and free of suspicion, and it is to the OP's advantage that she believe that. Again, let her relax, and stay cool, quiet, and observant....

 

I don't consider it to be 'alerting her', I think it's putting her on the spot.

 

Like I said, I don't do cool. I'd be far more inclined to do what 2sunny is suggesting. If she hesitates to 'cough up' with all her passwords and open all her accounts on demand, it would be 'game over' for me.

 

Even leaving her password stuck to the computer is a sign of guilt as far as I'm concerned - that's what I call prolonged hesitation - long enough to remove all evidence first!

[2sunny]

I don't consider it to be 'alerting her', I think it's putting her on the spot.

 

Like I said, I don't do cool. I'd be far more inclined to do what 2sunny is suggesting. If she hesitates to 'cough up' with all her passwords and open all her accounts on demand, it would be 'game over' for me.

Even leaving her password stuck to the computer is a sign of guilt as far as I'm concerned - that's what I call prolonged hesitation - long enough to remove all evidence first!

 

that's why he has good reason to start checking while she's away. IF she's smart she deleted all evidence... but she has still shown good reason to believe she's hiding things... he needs to find out what that's all about. she's obviously not a gal that's going to offer anything up to him. he needs to check everything.

[jd08]

To answer the questions posted. No, you can't see if someone is iunfriended on facebook except by careful observation (I.e. They are there one day and gone the next).

 

When all this went down on wed. Night I closely looked at all guys she had friended recently. Now today I see he is missing. So I know she unfriended him.

 

I can see his FB page. No comments from her on there. But that further backs up the point that they were communicating via private messages on FB as recently as wednesday. That's why she rushed into the room and that's why everything is now deleted or missing. The "old bf" is nothing more than a decoy in my mind. She got caught and she knows it.

[GooseChaser]

To answer the questions posted. No, you can't see if someone is iunfriended on facebook except by careful observation (I.e. They are there one day and gone the next).

 

When all this went down on wed. Night I closely looked at all guys she had friended recently. Now today I see he is missing. So I know she unfriended him.

 

I can see his FB page. No comments from her on there. But that further backs up the point that they were communicating via private messages on FB as recently as wednesday. That's why she rushed into the room and that's why everything is now deleted or missing. The "old bf" is nothing more than a decoy in my mind. She got caught and she knows it.

Do you have a plan on how you are going to react to your wounded trust in her? Are there going to be any consequences for her? How much are you going to let her know about your thought process here and what you know?

[2sunny]

To answer the questions posted. No, you can't see if someone is iunfriended on facebook except by careful observation (I.e. They are there one day and gone the next).

 

When all this went down on wed. Night I closely looked at all guys she had friended recently. Now today I see he is missing. So I know she unfriended him.

 

I can see his FB page. No comments from her on there. But that further backs up the point that they were communicating via private messages on FB as recently as wednesday. That's why she rushed into the room and that's why everything is now deleted or missing. The "old bf" is nothing more than a decoy in my mind. She got caught and she knows it.

 

yep, and that may be why she went to Mom's house for dinner... did she invite you to go along?

 

what are you going to do about all this?

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful responses. I really appreciate the support and advice you have given me on this thread.

 

Another update. When I got home this evening she had gone to her parent's house for dinner. Her FB password was taped to the computer screen. Of course everything was deleted on her account.

 

Something else that I noticed was interesting though. A guy she had become friends with a few days ago had now been "unfriended." She had removed the notification from her page where they had become friends on Tuesday and he doesn't appear on her friends list anymore. This is a different guy than the one she told me she was supposedly sending messages to.

 

So now it just seems like the other guy was a decoy and she is trying to throw me off the path by telling me she was talking to an old bf when she was really talking to the guy she just unfriended. He is one of her former college professors who still lives in this area.

 

I found it odd that she unfriended him and then gave me her password. Very odd. Any advice on how to approach this? I think I will do like you say and play it cool for a bit and let her slip up again. But I am burning up inside. I work hard to provide for this family and she is playing games with me.

Yes, thank her giving you the password and tell her it just hurt you that she was doing this. Ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed?

 

Then, tell her you love her want to trust her. Ask her if she's unhappy in the marriage, if she's unhappy in general. DO NOT blame yourself, you've done nothing wrong here, but ask her if there are needs that she feels you aren't meeting and is that why she's connecting with other men online. Don't accuse her, speak from the heart, and hopefully she'll see what she was doing is wrong and how much potiential and damage it can cause if she continues.... But firm, but let her know that cheating is something you won't put up with. Online, offline - It's still cheating.

 

Maybe she didn't realise that you could see she had 'unfriended' him.

 

I don't really use facebook so I don't know the in's and out's of how it works. I would guess that 'unfriending' someone would make them invisible on the account - which it obviously doesn't. If she thought the same, then she assumes she's removed all evidence and feels able to give you her password.

 

I may get slammed again for my direct approach here, but personally I think it has worked so far. My next move would be to thank her for providing the password and then ask her why she unfriended this man. I'd also ask for her email password. If she gets annoyed that you don't trust her you can be honest and tell her that, currently, you don't.

 

If you want to play it cool then obviously, do so, though I do wonder how many more 'slips' she needs to make before you are 'sure'. I wouldn't play the cool card myself - I think you have enough evidence and I don't do cool.

 

One more slip, (like installing a keylogger) then being tougher is the way to go. He will then have evidence, right now it's a gut feeling and her reaction/behaviour. Oh and the deletion of that guy..

 

To answer the questions posted. No, you can't see if someone is iunfriended on facebook except by careful observation (I.e. They are there one day and gone the next).

 

When all this went down on wed. Night I closely looked at all guys she had friended recently. Now today I see he is missing. So I know she unfriended him.

 

I can see his FB page. No comments from her on there. But that further backs up the point that they were communicating via private messages on FB as recently as wednesday. That's why she rushed into the room and that's why everything is now deleted or missing. The "old bf" is nothing more than a decoy in my mind. She got caught and she knows it.

 

Yes she does, and you can handle this two ways. Let her hang herself, wait it out or do the big confrontation NOW.

 

Did she really go to her mom's? Was this pre planned before this all played out?

[aerogurl87]

All signs point to her doing something that I call betrayl. Get all your evidence first of what she's doing (get a keylogger installed, search the pc for ALL evidence of her dirty deeds) and then confront her calmly. Then when she lies (because she will) show her your evidence and excuse her from your house.

[LittleTiger]

In fairness to me though, I responded before reading the thread (posted straight off his first post)

 

Ah, well, now I didn't know that did I? But, you did give a reasonably thoughtful response not a one liner as the other poster did.

 

See, to us it seems very clear. Her behavior before the confrontation was telling enough for me. Her reaction even moreso. I believe his last post was that he didn't know WHAT to think now. So it became clear as mud for him.

 

As someone else said, now he has PROOF. No, he doesn't. He should have greater suspicions, but there's no proof yet. A keylogger would have provided that.

 

I can only go by what my own thoughts would be in his situation and I think she has 'proved' that she's up to something and can't be trusted - her reaction to his questions has 'proved' that (as far as I'm concerned).

 

Now is the time to install a keylogger if that's the route he chooses. Then, if/when she finds out what he's done it, he can say 'I gave you the chance to come clean and you lied - so how else did you expect me to find the truth?'

 

I doubt she'll suspect a keylogger. I'd never even heard of them until I joined LS.

Edited September 18, 2010 by LittleTiger

[jd08]

One more quick tidbit. She told me her parents said last night that I am only acting this way because I must have something to hide. I love her family.

[greengoddess]

One more quick tidbit. She told me her parents said last night that I am only acting this way because I must have something to hide. I love her family.

 

LOL tell her to just stay with her parents then. You have her password. Friend him again and have a chat as her.

[Silly_Girl]

One more quick tidbit. She told me her parents said last night that I am only acting this way because I must have something to hide. I love her family.

 

And you know this how?

 

I think you need to play the long game if this is what you're up against! Don't alert her any more. Do go on FB as her, check for extra FB, email accounts etc.

[GooseChaser]

One more quick tidbit. She told me her parents said last night that I am only acting this way because I must have something to hide. I love her family.

That is the most hilarious thing I've ever heard in my life. You think she has something to hide, so she turns it on you and claims YOU have something to hide? That isn't true and you know it, so stand your ground. Don't let her get you off-track and distract you from the REAL issue here, and that is that SHE IS HIDING SOMETHING, NOT YOU. Don't let her get away with behaving this way.

 

Maybe she inherited attitude problems from her parents....

[eeyore1981]

I've just skimmed this thread, and I think you should boot her a$$ out the door. She's cheating, because if she wasn't there would be no need to play these head games with you, which is exactly what she is doing. She's doing this either because she wants to have you and a dish on the side, or she hasn't had time yet to get her ducks in a row and leave you high and dry. Either way, as long as you allow yourself to get sucked into this game of 'find the truth', she is in complete control, and you are the one who is going to suffer.

 

If you kick her out, the odds are good reality will give her a good smack upside the head, and you guys can work this out. There's always the chance she'll run off into the arms of the OM, but in that case, do you want her anyway?

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'll never understand how people can do this to people they swore to love and think nothing of it, like they are entitled to treat people this way.

[GooseChaser]

Yeah, something is very wrong about how she's acting, and you don't even really need to know what it is. She is clearly carrying guilt about something. I wouldn't blame you for just throwing her out and moving on, even not knowing what mischief she's up to, because we already know it's something bad. There must be trust in a relationship, especially marriage, and right now she is being untrustworthy.

[greengoddess]

LOL just to lighten this up a bit. I had a girlfriend who was positive her husband was cheating. Hanging up the phone when she walked in the room, logging off the computer etc etc. She was a wreck. She began to suspect his secretary after some investigation.

 

Little did she know him and the secretary were planning a huge surprise bash for her 40th birthday. It was so hard not to tell her why I knew he wasn't cheating. I just kept reassuring her he would never cheat. Sometimes things aren't what they seem. Although, sadly I think this is.

[GooseChaser]

Just looking at this post by the OP and judging by his wife's reaction, we can be fairly sure that there is no good surprise being planned. Check it out:

 

Just talked to her again re: FB password. She got upset and yelled/cried at me. Says again there is nothing to see. At this point I'm just beating my head against the wall as she clearly isn't going to allow access to the account. I think she thinks I am being distrustful (which I am)

 

Time for a keylogger I guess.

[greengoddess]

Just looking at this post by the OP and judging by his wife's reaction, we can be fairly sure that there is no good surprise being planned. Check it out:

 

 

Yea I agree. I just had to put it out there for others reading this that might have nagging thoughts about their spouse recently and read this and think omg they're cheating when thyre not.

[2sunny]

One more quick tidbit. She told me her parents said last night that I am only acting this way because I must have something to hide. I love her family.

 

seems about right for a gal that is covering up and deflecting to make herself look innocent when she's not. she's laying her ground work so she doesn't look bad to her family when she cheats. she's creating a reason for her bad behavior.

 

since SHE said that - call her family and ask them if THAT is what they said. get your evidence straight from them - have a specific conversation with them asking them if they said exactly that. you may be encouraged if you ask them for THEIR truth - instead of HER interpretation.

 

be honest with them without being accusatory... since that is where she will probably stay when you throw her cheating a$$ out, they may as well have fair warning of what to expect and what she's really up to.

 

 

she gaslighting you - big time.

 

why weren't you invited to her parent's house last night?