smraines Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 My wife and I have been friends with a couple for a very long time. About 10 years. Recently we have found out that the wife has been chaeting on him for the last year. We both have said that we could understand if it was a one time thing and it never happened again. But she has slept with her boss the day before her anniversary, she got pregnant by him, and im not sure but i think she did something to herself to have a miacarriage. I see this guy everyday, as not only are we friends but co workers. I have known about this for about 3 weeks. It is killing me inside to see this guy and not be able to tell him. My wife says I should leave an anonymous note on her car so she thinks someone else might tell him. PLEASE HELP THIS IS KILLING ME. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 I don't advise anyone to charge a moral crusade into someone's life, inform a spouse of infidelity, and ride out carrying the lance of righteousness. However, I think that the anonymous note idea isn't a bad one. If you could get her to stop, without him finding out, that would be better. How do you know she's cheating? Does she tell you about it? If there's open communication, you could tell her how you feel, and confront her with the possiblity that she'll be found out. Does she even care? Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 This is not your business. I know you want to do the right thing, but secret notes are not it. Drop the friends, or, if you can't stop yourself from getting involved, confront the wife. Be prepared to lose both friends and to be told to mind your own business. Couples' lives are theirs alone. They will not thank you for your intrusion. You do not have to be a party to the dishonesty. You can choose not to see them as freinds anymore and choose to keep the workplace strictly professional. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Keep your mouth shut and stay out of it unless you want to totally destroy your friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 A lot depends on how you KNOW that she is cheating. If the wife has confessed it to one of you, then it would be easy to say "stop telling me this or I will pass it on to your husband". But it sounds like you really have just heard a rumor. In that case, you can go to either the husband or the wife and say, "Someone is spreading a horrible rumor about you. I'm letting you know so you can put a stop to it." In this case, you act as if you don't believe the horrible rumor. And you know what? Unless you were there at the orgy or have seen the videotapes, you don't really know what happened. You don't know what's going on in that marriage, or whether they have agreed to turn a blind eye to the obvious. Anonymous notes...stink. They are only for those who are not willing to own up to their actions. If telling her is the right thing, DON'T do it anonymously. It will only add to the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Anonymous notes...stink. They are only for those who are not willing to own up to their actions. If telling her is the right thing, DON'T do it anonymously. It will only add to the pain. Uhh SoleMate, she knows, she's the cheater. Leaving a note on the car would 'keep her on her toes', maybe provoking her to break it off. It doesn't really cause any pain at all. Link to post Share on other sites
NotaBadGuy Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 If it is only a rumor, then I agree with the let it be thoughts. And I would not even attempt to do anything of an anonymous nature. The best advice is not to tell? I guess if it were even one of my best friends in the world, I would want to know. Would it put stress on our relationship as friends? Yes, but in the end I would understand my friend was only looking out for me and my best interests. So in this situation, you are supposed to go out with this couple and act as if nothing has ever happened. There is this little thing called INTEGRITY. Some have it and some don't. And some people choose to make right decisions even in the face of adversity. True friends will stick around. I understand why someone would coach you to not say anything, BUT would you want to know yourself if you were in the situation? Thats just my random thoughts though. Whatever you do, good luck! I really mean it. It is a tough predicament to be in regardless of what you choose to do. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Originally posted by NotaBadGuy There is this little thing called INTEGRITY. Some have it and some don't. And some people choose to make right decisions even in the face of adversity. I have no respect for those who blindly barge into people's business under the guise of integrity, and leave with the slightest feeling of righteousness. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? A true friend is someone who is able to tell you things that others will not. I simply do not understand why a friend would not tell a friend what is going on if you know for a fact it is true. She is putting your friend at great risk for STD's and has become pregnant by the OM. I do not think you are much of a friend to keep this to yourself. Do you think your friend would wish to be kept in the dark or know the truth? What would you want? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 It is killing me inside to see this guy and not be able to tell him. The truth is, it's bothering HIM. If he told, he'd be doing it so that he doesn't feel bad anymore, without any regard to how this would devastate their relationship. It's none of his business. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Originally posted by Tony Keep your mouth shut and stay out of it unless you want to totally destroy your friendship. But along the same lines, some things are more important than friendship. A real friend would tell their friend if a boyfriend/girlfriend were cheating - regardless of the consequences of the friendship, because their happiness is more important than living a lie to keep your friendship solid. I know that because this is a marriage and he is a coworker that it makes the situation more sticky, but I think that if you feel it will make him happier in the long run, and you are ready and willing to lose them as friends, you should do something about it. The anonymous note is a good idea because you don't risk all of this to as great an extent, but depending on the circumstances, the wife might know it was you. The point is, is he happily living a lie, or is he unsure of his marriage? If you aren't a good enough friend to know this, then you probably shouldn't meddle. If you are, and it's the latter, the harder route will be to tell the truth, but it might be the better one in the long run. He's going to find out, eventually. How do you think he'll feel when he realizes everyone around him knew, but no one told him. This happened to my aunt, and she was pissed that none of the family told her about her (now ex) husband's two year affair, though most had known for a while. It caused more harm in the long run not to tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 If my wife was cheating on me, I'd never want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker If my wife was cheating on me, I'd never want to know. Ah, of course not, but here's the conundrum: What if you found out anyway? Would you rather it come from a friend over coffee, or when you walk in on your wife's boss going down on her? He shouldn't tell if he has any reservations. It's hard to look at it from your friend's perspective, but you have to want to do it for your friend, not for you, as the previous posts mentioned. I would imagine, dyer, if your wife were cheating on you, your close friends would probably know you well enough not to tell you. Which is why I can't stress enough that if you do go through with telling your friend, it has to be for your friend, not just to get it off of your chest. The anon. note might work, but if it doesn't? The more I type, the more I see the point of not wanting to tell, but I maintain that if the person's personality is familiar to you, you'll be able to better assess the situation and know if it's going to kill him, or help him move past a hard time in his life (i.e. a terrible, dishonest marriage.) Only a good friend would know. Otherwise, you're just saying something that will hurt him, the friendship, and ultimately, you. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Per usual, I wasn't giving blanket advice to all people in this situation, although I can't fathom a deviation. PLEASE HELP THIS IS KILLING ME. It's killing him. It was my impression that to tell the friend was to get it off his own conscience, without any regard for the pain it would cause. Although technically, he would be the righteous one, I don't look at things as being so black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Yeah, dyer, I didn't notice that until you mentioned it, so in my second post, I made sure to emphasize that my advice is for the scenario that I described, and stems from previous experience with my aunt. She's the only *married* person I know that this has happened to, but it has happened to a few of my dating friends, and every one of them has shot blame at people who were aware of the situation, but didn't tell - although they never ended the friendships, which is a risk you take when you do tell. Originally posted by dyermaker Per usual, I wasn't giving blanket advice to all people in this situation, although I can't fathom a deviation. It's killing him. It was my impression that to tell the friend was to get it off his own conscience, without any regard for the pain it would cause. Although technically, he would be the righteous one, I don't look at things as being so black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Originally posted by mintjulep Yeah, dyer, I didn't notice that until you mentioned it, so in my second post, I made sure to emphasize that my advice is for the scenario that I described, and stems from previous experience I know, I was just mentioning why I said that in this paticular case. As for if it happened to me, I wouldn't want to ever find out, that's as far as I'm willing to fantasize about something which I hope never happens. Link to post Share on other sites
NotaBadGuy Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Dyermaker, I don't know if the post in reference to my previous post was a personal attack or not, but I hope it was not. I mentioned integrity not to barge into someone's business and feel righteous once I leave my impression. And in dealing with the issue of respect, if you read my post, you would have noticed I made no personal attacks, so please make none towards me. I read many of your posts and often agree with your point of view. I just happen to have expereince as being the married man in this instance who was cheated on by his wife and offered my opinion. That being said, if one of my friends knew what was going on with my wife, I would want to know. It may have saved some serious drama and more problems in the long run. Does this guy owe it to the friend to tell him? Maybe, maybe not. Would I? Yes. I have a friend in a similar position as we speak. Will I be wrong when I say anything to him(which I will)? Not in my mind. I would undeniably want to know if it was me. The long term effects encompass much more than mere friendship and hard feelings in some instances. I would and will put my tail on the line for a friend who I believe needs to know what his wife is doing behind his back. Do I owe this to him? No. Do I think it may affect our frinedship? Probably. But I am willing to take this risk to help open his eyes to what he needs to know. I do not live under a cloak of integrity but do live what I preach. Bottom line is that infidelity is wrong. There are ways out. And if one partner is being deceptively pulled around by the other partner, the decieved partner has the right to know. Do I feel more righteous now for giving my opinion? No. I have only given my point of view on a subject I feel I have current and prior expereince being 1) the husband who was cheated on, and 2) in the current situation where I will soon be informing a friend of infidelity(after several months of accumulated evidence). In the end, I would want to know. Sorry to ruffle feathers. That was truly not my intention in posting. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 NotaBadGuy, I reserve personal attacks for people who deserve them. My post was directed at your thought proccess, not at you personally. The thing about integrity is that you can't claim integrity, when you're actually being selfish. On one hand, you consider your obligation to your friend to be righteous. On the other hand, it wouldn't bother you as much if you got it of your chest. It sounds so elementary, but things are often told to make one feel better, without any regards to the feelings of others. It's my belief that some things are private business, and I have read and assessed your beliefs, and find that I don't respect them. That's not a personal attack, just my opinion. I wasn't commenting on your situation, simply because this isn't your thread. Rather I was saying that it in this case, as mintjulep said, it wouldn't be right to tell someone something so devastating simply to get it off your conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 In the time of AIDS and HIV, I wonder if any of us can really afford to keep things such as this to ourselves. Maybe 20 years ago I would have let is slide, stayed out of it and felt bad for my friend. But how could I ever share a drink or a warm moment with my friend knowing that he could be infected and end up dying? How could I look him in the eye and not think of his future? And yes, in this one particular case the poster has mentioned that telling the friend will help to relieve the stress he is under. But why is he under that stress? The root cause is that his friend's wife is putting him in harms way and this is causing our poster his anxiety over this issue. It's in no way a black and white issue, and every person would need to be the judge. If it was a fast friend of mine, that I loved, I would tell him to his face and deal with the consequences of that action. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Well put, wideawake. Whatever the answer is, it is NOT an anonymous letter. They're cowardly, offensive, and sleazy. If you have something to say, say it right out, or sign your name. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smraines Posted February 24, 2004 Author Share Posted February 24, 2004 I appreciate everyones replies. Yes, I know for a fact that this is going on as she has told the wrong people and they have called me. Not to mention that she has let things slip when my wife and I had been talking to her one night. The problem with this thing is like I said, we are almost like family. Grew up together, played sports, etc.... It is very hard to look either in the face and not say anything. I have distanced myself as much as possible, beleive me. But I'm at wits end and don't know what the heck to do. Anyway, Thanks for all your replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 I think WideAwake's points are well-thought. In my situation, my feelings were different. My first wife carried on, and I had frinds that knew. I, too, was angry that they hadn't told me. She and I divorced. In my second marriage, the same thing happened. For far far different reasons, though. Being that I decided not to end the marriage over it, I was glad that I didn't hear it from a friend. A couple of MY friends voiced suspicions to me, but they meant well, and I did not take them to heart. I think some may have known for certain, but I am not sure. If they did, I am glad they said nothing. I guess the differing factor is that I wanted to stay married to #2. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts