My Goodbye Letter To My Boyfriend Title: No Apology Necessary

[AmysHeart]

I wrote this to him 5 days ago and have not contacted him since. He has been contacting me a few times a day and every single night via text and email.

 

Title Of Letter: No Apology Necessary

 

 

I just told you a tip of the iceberg list- as to the many things you have done that have hurt me tremendously. You laughed. You laughed not only about the Sharon/ iPAD conversation- but about the way I wrote out my list. Glad to know that you find any humor in any of this. However, I did not expect that you would stop and think about how everything I have learned has caused me to feel.

 

Furthermore, and for the LAST time, I have not been lying to you. When I told you some of the things that are on the recorder- you accused me of lying. You are more interested in arguing and putting me down and twisting things around than giving a damn for what you have done to me.

 

Most of the recordings you made when you sounded rather intoxicated. Just as you did not remember the conversation with Sharon- I am certain that you don't remember quite a few of them. That is neither here nor there though. Bottom line is I have heard enough to know that you have not loved me at all. I was just a way to pass the time on a good day- and something to hate and despise on the bad days- according to your actions and lack thereof.

 

For the record, I most certainly will not be returning the recorder. If you so wish as to report it as stolen- be my guest. I will admit that I have taken it and the reason why I took it. I am appalled to hear myself moaning on a recorder when you and I were "messing around" and from other occasions where we were sexual. I am shocked. Literally shocked.

 

I am equally shocked to hear how you talk about me with others. I am appalled and very sad to know that you have done this to me again. I feel violated and hurt and betrayed beyond what most could probably imagine. I will not ever allow myself to be in such a situation ever again.

 

If any one of your co-workers, friends or family heard any of these recordings- I assure you that they would not think of me the way that they do- instead they would despise you for what you have done. My point is- I think you will fair much better in life- if you quit being such a chameleon and quit pretending and inventing things to such an extreme- better yet- why do you even feel such a need to have all the people in your life view you as a poor victim? Why say anything at all- when you can't paint the picture the way it really was and is?

 

And your insensitivity toward me has truly taken its toll on me. I have not been able to move past certain things when there are conversations such as the following:

Shawn: "Stop crying right now. STOP!"

Amy: "Shawn, you broke my clavicle! And you aren't even sorry. You owe me a proper apology."

Shawn: "Yeah? And I'll break it again and your skull too if you don't shut up!"

 

Things like that are just disgusting. But that is the real you. I have tried to tell myself differently all this time- and make myself believe that the real you is good and caring and loves me. The truth is that the real you does not love anyone. You lie to everyone. And when you do anything wrong- you are only capable of blaming me for it. Or arguing with me.

 

I would have liked to finish telling you what I thought was important to disclose to you. I am assuming that it is probably best that I do not- since you needed to get off the phone. Had it been important to you- you would have called by now to listen to what I had to say. Or rather- a particular 3 minute recording.

 

I am officially and directly letting you know- that I am done. I am sad that things did not work out and even sadder that I allowed myself to be so naive and foolish.

 

You need not worry about whether or not I will get upset later on down the road with regard to anything you do from here on out. So there is no need for you to have to hide anything anymore. I am certain that will alleviate a lot of your stress right there. You can now do whatever you like with whomever you like without having to worry about another person's feelings should they find out about it.

 

I will not be bothering you. I will not (nor have I been) be contacting Sharon or doing any juvenile prank calls that I have been wrongfully accused of having done.

If you receive private or anonymous calls or out of the ordinary area codes on your caller i.d.- I assure you that it will not be me or anyone on my behalf attempting to contact you.

So if you wish to choose to live in the fictitious world of "Amy playing text or phone call games" then suit yourself. I will have no control over that.

 

I will make careful note of my whereabouts and any and all activity on the iPAD and my phone numbers- so as to dispute any future allegations or false accusations- should that come into play.

 

And if you ever try to accuse me of having been the one to have made all these recordings on this red Sony recorder- well, clearly on the recorder is you also leaving "audio journals" of some sort- talking to yourself and then saying things like "Well, that was a conversation between Sharon and me- 'blah blah blah' "

Or you saying things to this effect- "Amy is on her way over here- blah blah blah" "Lets see what tonight brings- yada yada yada" And the stuff from a long time ago I retrieved I don't really care about- but this other stuff of recent? DEALBREAKER. Not to mention- the way you went from practically living with me last month and being very sweet - to all the crap I have had to deal with this past month again. And YES, I have bitched and moaned about it. Any woman would. One day we are planning a wedding and the next day you are ____Fill In The Blank____ with any number of things you have done or have not been doing.

 

Bottom line: I am attractive and well spoken and intelligent. I have a good career. I am soon to have my daughters back home and I know that for a fact as of this morning.

My life is so going to be on track. And I will make detective. And I am not going to put myself in another situation like this ever again.

And laugh all you want- I will be successful. I will not have someone holding me back or putting me down or hurting me and/or leaving me all the time.

 

I do not want this to end in any horrid way. Though I do deem it to be horrid the every intimate recording I have heard. And I also deem it horrid how you have treated me for the past several weeks. Even more horrid that you take zero responsibility. You actually recorded me talking to you about my sexual frustrations and to hear myself moaning in other recordings? I am sick to my stomach beyond sick.

 

And in closing~ the truly odd thing- is that you would think that I would hate you for all of this. However, what has shocked me- is that I do not feel any hatred. I do feel violated and betrayed and all of those things. I think a myriad of emotions along those lines. As far as hating you? I don't. It is strange. I feel more indifferent or a lack of feeling anything toward you. I am more mad at myself and the situation in general.

 

I tell you this because I want for you to know- that I am writing this email to you for myself more than I am writing it to enlighten you or to solicit any false conveyance of remorse from you. In other words- I don't want you to think that I expect an apology of any sort- proper or otherwise- I expect nothing from you. So if you start racking your brain to figure out what to type or say to me in spite of all of this- I am letting you know that you need not worry or stress over any such thing. No apology is necessary. There are no words for this, honestly.

 

I wrote my "list of reasons" mainly to vent and to help MY brain sort out the everything that has hurt me so bad. In a way- that recorder has been a blessing- because typically- I just want to fix things and tell you how I feel and hope that you will truly care and then try to get back to being "beautiful" and good.

 

Now I see the everything that I could not or would not see before. And now I understand why when I would beg for certain things- why it merely annoyed and angered you. I now see that I was the one in la-la land- believing that we had something real and genuine. I thought we had something worth working on and fighting for. I had no concept of what was really going on. While I am in shock and of course, I am hurt- I am grateful to know the truth and the truth is that there never was any committment or true love on your end. There were only moments- that you tried to bead on a string to collectively have a seemingly "real" relationship with me.

 

And writing this email to you- is good for me because it helps me to move forward. The indifference is good for me also. While I am upset about the lies, the things behind my back, the personal things that were recorded, my clavicle- and previously and currently- the many times that you have not shown yourself to ever truly be sorry or care about my feelings- well- as far as us going our seperate ways- I feel confident and good about ending things. And as far as my feelings toward you- again- I do not hate you. I do not feel love for you nor do I feel hatred or any of the emotions that go along with hatred. I think this is a good place for me to be at.

 

Goodbye.

[TaraMaiden]

What feedback, if any are you expecting from us?

Do you want comments?

 

(Advice is superfluous, as it's a done deal and sent....)

[AmysHeart]

I was just sharing.... I don't really have anyone to share these things with and it helps me just knowing that I told someone. I really appreciate all of you guys (and ladies) here

 

Before I joined or posted- I spent hours and hours reading the posts here.

In fact, I started reading on this site before I broke up with him.

 

I am just a mess emotionally over all of this. I am eating, sleeping and functioning- I am making myself... And I am still working. But I hate merely existing. I just hate it.....

 

I was not looking for any specific kind of feedback- I am just letting you guys get to know more of my situation and circumstance. I tried very hard in the letter to be matter of fact with him- and to cover everything without attacking him.

[AmysHeart]

Of course, I was lying in the letter when I said I was indifferent and did not feel any love..... I SO WISH I felt indifferent.... I am praying for that day to come soon.

[TaraMaiden]

I really kind of wish you'd posted it on here before sending it, you know...

 

I think many, many people on here would have strongly advised you against sending it.

And here you are sharing it with us....

 

I would advise you to delete your copy, and delete all trace of anything you still have of his. Return everything that belongs to him, and remove all and every sign of his existence.

The more you wilfully erase him from your life, the more quickly that day will come.

 

But you must sincerely, truly want that day, badly enough to do as I suggest.

because at the moment, you really don't entirely WANT that day to come....

[fabio10]

Wow now thats a letter that surely lifted a weight off your mind ! So what do you really feel ?

[Fruitpunch]

I would say he will read about one maybe two lines of that before tossing it in the bin and feeling much better about moving on. Its so much easier to move on when u know the other person is in turmoil

The irony of sending someone a LONG letter just to tell them that you are over them is im sure not lost on you.

That was a real mistake sending that but hopefully it helped you clear your own thoughts. Next time you get the urge, write the letter, read it and then burn it.