I have developed a crush on one of the guys on the forum. Help!

[anonymous member]

This is slightly embarassing, but I thought you all should know and help me recover. I am a member, but choose to remain anonymous for certain reasons. I have developed an internet crush on one of the members in the forum.

 

I have read his responses he makes on threads and he just seems so collected, smart, caring, and attractive too (from his picture). I dont think this is healthy and I definetly need to get over it. I have even resorted to going through all the threads and reading everything he has written just to learn more about him because he is so mysterious.

 

Help!

[reasontosigh]

Have you and he PMd at any time? Or responded to each others posts back and forth within a thread? Just trying to figure out the extent of things.

 

Oh, and by the way, Dave1234 is mine so just get over it!

[silk_sword]

what do u really know about this guy besides some pictures and some words? perhaps u can tap a bit into his emotions, but in truth the depth is barely just below the skin. i think u r falling for the idea of this guy, but if u wanna try then go for it. if u r crushing, then it is worth trying for. just don't have expectations. in a situation like this, u never know what u r gonna get. good luck!

[Tony T]

It beats me how anybody can get a crush on an anonymous username. I can understand a member or guest appreciating the content of certain people's posts. I enjoy certain one's myself but I've not developed a crush on them as a result. I actually very much look forward to reading the meaningful contributions of certain members. I have also ceased reading a great many member's posts because they seldom address poster's concerns or issues and contain mostly unproductive bantering that has nothing to do with the original post.

 

I think if indeed you have become smitten towards an anonymous member or guest based on no personal contact whatsoever in any form, there may be some underlying needs in your life that aren't being met. I don't think this is serious enough to see a counsellor for but I hope you will reconsider the way you form bonds and find healthier avenues through real life interpersonal contact in that area.

[Darkangelism]

But the crush did happen, so you need to either act on it, or suck it up and forget about him.

[Tony T]

"But the crush did happen, so you need to either act on it, or suck it up and forget about him."

 

Correct. That's the bottom line. Either send the person a PM and let them know you have a fondness for their work or simply forget about those feelings because there is no future for them. You will not know if you really have a crush on a poster until you know them personally.

[moimeme]

I have to wonder why this poster would choose to post this dilemma this way. She could easily have said that she was a member of a forum and had developed a crush. She didn't need to say she's a member of this particular forum. If she really wanted to be anonymous, she didn't have to say a thing about being an LSer. I think she's trying to let him know or tease him or something.

 

It seems to me a peculiar way to go about finding a solution, if this 'crush' is really a problem.

[gaia]

"It beats me how anybody can get a crush on an anonymous username. I can understand a member or guest appreciating the content of certain people's posts. I enjoy certain one's myself but I've not developed a crush on them as a result."

 

I think this a girl/boy thing.

 

Personally, I have always developed crushes on people because of their personality rather than what they look like. Blokes who are really quite ugly can become irresistably attractive to me because of what they say and do. Haven't been on the site long enough to develop any here yet, but I can understand how it happens.

[Tony T]

"I think this a girl/boy thing."

 

What is a girl/boy thing? Please explain.

[jester]

Cyber-crushes happen. People here post on many topics, some of which are intimate and personal.

 

People in this cyber-community affiliate in cliques, grouplets and pairs. These identification and affiliation needs can sometimes lead to emotional attractions. Posting is a form of advocacy where the poster, not only tries to help, but strives to look good in the process. That internet crushes happen in this hot house atmosphere of confession, opinion and disclosure among intimate strangers is unsurprising.

 

I suspect that women, being less visual than guys, are more attracted by text, which, in their mind, makes the man.(Whether someone's posts are an accurate barometer of the poster's personality is grist for another Thread.) Text attracts, and, in some cases, repels.

 

We are the sum of our posts in this curious world. And, here, there was also a picture.

 

The best way to dispel an internet crush is to take a break from LS, and throw yourself into the real world with real people who interact with you in 3D and in real time.

 

Nothing beats the real world.

 

Not even LoveShack.

[HokeyReligions]

It's just a crush! They happen. They are sweet and flattering. People develop crushes over strangers every day - based on their looks or the sound of their voice or their writings. Actors, singers, writers all touch people. We are all writers here and sometimes our words will touch a cord in someone else and they will respond either openly or covertly---as in a secret crush.

 

If you know that there is no chance that you and your secret crush will ever meet or develop a relationship, then keep that in mind--but fantasize away and enjoy the crush. It will run its course in due time.

 

If you are geographically near this person, send them a PM and see if they want to meet with you--or talk to you on the phone or in PM. I hope that whoever he is, he is mature and caring enough to not think it is funny and to be flattered by the attention.

 

I've had two guys have a crush on me -- one of my husband's friends when my husband and I were dating, and another was a maintenance guy at an apartment complex when my husband and I were first married. I was sooooo flattered! They both knew there was no chance for anything and I had to be careful that I wasn't teasing them or ignoring them, but I did tell them that it made me feel great knowing that someone else had a crush on me--its nice to feel wanted or desired by someone else sometimes. Hopefully your 'crush' will feel the same way.

 

As confusing as it can be - I think it's sweet.

[meanon]

We've had a few threads on this subject (remember the aliens ate one )

 

It's definitely something that women rather than men seem vulnerable to. But at it's heart it is just fantasy. Men being more visual tend to need IRL contact whereas some women can do without.

 

It may help to think about the underlying reasons. You don't know him well enough for it to be him so it's an attractive outline of a personality with you filling in all the gaps with fantasy. This is only possible because of that mystery you mention - the bits of him you don't know. You may well not like him IRL.

 

If this distinction between fantasy and reality rings true for you then I hope it helps you gain a more objective perspective on the problem which is in itself healthier. As to what else to do well that depends on your situation - if you are single log off and find that fantasy man IRL!!!

 

P.S. There's a fair amount of flirting goes on at LS mostly harmless fun but if you engage in this I would avoid it with this person, you may read too much into it in your current frame of mind.

[moimeme]

You may well not like him IRL.

 

Our little brains, which really seek to categorize people quickly, like to think that we can learn some things about a person and extrapolate those things to encompass a whole personality. This is why we can get a crush on an actor we only see speaking someone else's lines or how someone can fall for a poster. In fact, to some degree, this is operative at the beginning of a relationship, when people fall 'madly in love' in a very short period of time.

 

It's in getting to know someone more and in adding in all the missing pieces of the picture (and their number is legion) that you really are able to assess whether that person would suit you or not.

 

Actually, it can be a heck of a lot of fun having a crush and keeping it just a crush. I've done it a couple of times; had a fantasy crush on someone, knew full well it was just fantasy, and did not want to learn any more or get to know the person more because I wasn't willing to spoil the illusion

[meanon]

Yes crushes can be fun if you avoid taking them seriously

 

Maybe you should just try and stop worrying so much. If your peace of mind is really disturbed this may indicate that you feel more than a crush in which case you need to tell us more about what else is going on in your life or talk to someone outside the forum.

[Benedict]

I agreed with you Moi, about why someone would anonymously post about that crush on LS.

 

Upon further thought, here is what I think. First of all, where better to ask this type of question? I have searched for a while to find an online community like this. Face it: there is only so much you can say/vent/complain about/anguish over with friends and family. This place? It is the best by far for that type of support.

 

And aren't there required classes for psychologists and psychiatrists about how their clients/patients will inevitably develop crushes on THEM? Isn't it then safe to assume that the same type of thing might happen here? If it did, where better to ask the question that plagues you? I see the catch-22.

 

Most of the people here seem to be involved in a relationship of some type, so naming the crusher and crushee might be seen as inappropriate in any case...

 

...unless it is a completely harmless one like the little one I have on Moi!

[moimeme]

unless it is a completely harmless one like the little one I have on Moi!

 

Why thank you, kind sir! I am flattered indeed

 

I have to agree that there are lots of terrific folks here; it's no wonder some might develop fondnesses for each other. Then there's the added benefit of being able to flirt for fun and without intent

 

So, sailor, going my way

[Arabess]

Originally posted by moimeme

Then there's the added benefit of being able to flirt for fun and without intent

 

So, sailor, going my way

 

Sounds like you were describing my life OUTSIDE of the internet.......LMAO!

 

To the Annonymous Poster,

Why don't you just PM the person of your 'crush' interest? I'm sure he would be flattered....and nothing is to be lost by it.

 

Arabess

[faux]

Originally posted by anonymous member

This is slightly embarassing, but I thought you all should know and help me recover. I am a member, but choose to remain anonymous for certain reasons. I have developed an internet crush on one of the members in the forum.

 

I have read his responses he makes on threads and he just seems so collected, smart, caring, and attractive too (from his picture). I dont think this is healthy and I definetly need to get over it. I have even resorted to going through all the threads and reading everything he has written just to learn more about him because he is so mysterious.

 

Help!

 

Private message him. Let him know how you feel and why you feel that way. I'm sure he'd be flattered and try to talk to you a bit more. He might not feel the same way about you, but I think everyone in general can always use someone else to talk to, especially if that someone holds them in high regard.

 

If you have an interest in someone I don't see anything unhealthy about it. I can see how it might be embarrassing, but please just private message the fellow over it. Hopefully he will choose to be polite and will respond to you when he finds the time.

 

Just be sure that when you contact him he knows what you are reaching him over. I wish you the absolute best of luck in your pursuit!

[gaia]

Tony

Have only just got back on line - doing a bit of IRL counselling instead.

Jester & Meanon have explained what I meant by girl/boy thing quite eloquently. I just meant a difference between the way the sexes develop attractions. Can see why wasn't v clear.

 

It seems loads of people have had them. Maybe you're missing out.....

[anonymous member]

Humm, thank you all. But....

He is envolved with someone in real life (yes outside my fantasy), and I dont think it would quite be appropreate. I dont think he would take it too well, just from what I know. If I do send something, which Im considering, it will still be anonymous. I do recognize that it is fictional, and I wouldnt even consider seeing him in real life. That could be dangerous without the right precautions. I dont know if I would be able to handle the fantasy go wrong in any way. I like it like that, but it drives me crazy sometimes.

[jmargel]

Hmm.. I'm engaged..

 

 

Anyway, if someone is taken on here, sending them a message isn't anything bad. I would agree that meeting someone while being in a relationship if the other mate doesn't know about it, wouldn't be appropirate. Sounds like you are respectful in alot of ways.

 

I've been on a chat room and even though they know I am engaged, this one chick who lives close to me still is hitting on me, wanting to sleep with me. That's something I would never do.

[dyermaker]

I couldn't fathom anyone taking it poorly, it would be flattering.

[Helpme2004]

i agree it may be flattering to him just send him a pm u have nothing too lose its the internet.id go for it

[fragileone]

I too have found myself idealizing a certain boy here. I am seduced by his superior intellect and distinguished moral standing- I'm sure that was a dead give away.

I have an overactive imagination so his every word is effortlessly wrapped in poetry. Since you dont truly know the other person they remain elusive (they are present yet distant) and it is easily to confuse your imagined desires and illusions with reality.

This is true for me anyway, I just see it as another tool to clearly define what qualities and values I treasure in another human being.

Anyway, your not the only one who actively seeks out the responses of a certain someone.

[gypsycat]

I love the way everyone here is saying PM him.........he'll be flattered

I can just see all the guys on this forum saying to themselves "is it me?"...lol