Smoking addiction marks the end of us rant

[Clep]

My spouse quit smoking two days ago, as did I. We reconciled in February and I did not smoke when we reconciled. The day we saw each other again I smoked and have been ever since.

 

I hate it. I hate the smell, taste and feeling of being a smoker. The reason I still do though is because I know I will be sickened by kissing my spouse or being close to him while he is a smoker. He is a heavy smoker.

 

He told me when we reconciled that he wants to quit smoking, but doesn't do anything about it. I have shared my feelings for five months about the health part, financial part and especially about us losing any physical closeness because he stinks. He doesn't care.

 

I hate it that he pressures me to smoke. He always wants me to go outside with him to smoke and doesn't want me to leave the garage until he is done. Smoking is our alone time he says.

 

I quit and finally put my foot down and told him that I am done being with a smoker. He doesn't have to quit if he doesn't want to, and I don't have to be with a smoker.

 

We have the Alan Carr audio and it works great!!!! I haven't wanted to smoke since. He is being as negative as possible and says it wont' work for him.

 

Well now that he has quit to stay with me, he is being pretty nasty. Arguing every chance he can get, talking about how controlling I am, ignoring me now.

 

Either I am a smoker to tolerate how badly he stinks and be able to kiss him, dealing with the health issues, the poor example for our child and the financial downfall, or quit and no longer be close to him physically.

 

I might as well just tell him to move now. No point being with someone that disgusts me to kiss or get near.

 

I am not happy about this crap.

[skydiveaddict]

Perhaps give it a little more time.

[Clep]

Perhaps give it a little more time.

 

It's been ten years.

[skydiveaddict]

It's been ten years.

 

 

Oh, I didnt know that.

[Clep]

Oh, I didnt know that.

 

No way you could have. I didn't really want to write a book so I left lots out.

[You Go Girl]

Clep, you survived the active alcoholism, the worst is behind you. If you could make it through that, you can make it through this.

[Clep]

Clep, you survived the active alcoholism, the worst is behind you. If you could make it through that, you can make it through this.

 

I'm not so sure. His behaviors while quitting smoking are that of when he was an active alcoholic. It isn't just the usual irritation that smokers feel. It is unbearable.

 

I quit smoking about a month ago now and I can't stand to even hug him. I just don't know how people kiss a smoker. It is so disgusting. It isn't supposed to be disgusting to kiss one's partner.

 

I have tried to look at it like you are saying and sometimes I am successful in thinking that way.

 

This has ripped us apart. Our life has been chaos since I quit.

[You Go Girl]

I'm not so sure. His behaviors while quitting smoking are that of when he was an active alcoholic. It isn't just the usual irritation that smokers feel. It is unbearable.

 

I quit smoking about a month ago now and I can't stand to even hug him. I just don't know how people kiss a smoker. It is so disgusting. It isn't supposed to be disgusting to kiss one's partner.

 

I have tried to look at it like you are saying and sometimes I am successful in thinking that way.

 

This has ripped us apart. Our life has been chaos since I quit.

 

Don't be so sure. Usual irritation that smokers feel--well I don't know, as I haven't quit yet. I'm not ready. I'm still emotionally a wreck. I need and will get back to Al-anon this week, and go two or more times a week. I gave up alcohol rather easily. Yeah, he wanted me to be an alcoholic too, I think, even though not consciously. But I didn't get the disease like he has. I certainly was well on my way, and feel the cloud of distorted stupid thinking come over me when I have a couple drinks now. Very little drinking is in my present, or future. I can't stand the feeling of arrogant stupidity that comes with a buzz.

Maybe Al-anon meetings again? I don't know if you've stopped or are still going. But why not al-anon for his smoking behavior? Just because it's not alcohol doesn't mean that you need to work the same 12 steps to deal with his current behavior. Detachment...such an art, one I could never master with detaching in the big way. Maybe you're more skilled at that than I am.

So he has this other disease-addiction, which is smoking. This one comes with a stink just like alcohol does. With detachment, you have to love him through this time, warts and all?

I'm one to talk. I finally walked. NOW maybe he'll become the man I deserved all those years...which tears me up like nothing ever has in my life.

As an active smoking addict, I know what he feels. You were never addicted to cigarettes like he is. He has an addictive personality, you perhaps don't. But I oh so relate to you on the pain that addiction causes you.

[Clep]

Don't be so sure. Usual irritation that smokers feel--well I don't know, as I haven't quit yet. I'm not ready. I'm still emotionally a wreck. I need and will get back to Al-anon this week, and go two or more times a week. I gave up alcohol rather easily. Yeah, he wanted me to be an alcoholic too, I think, even though not consciously. But I didn't get the disease like he has. I certainly was well on my way, and feel the cloud of distorted stupid thinking come over me when I have a couple drinks now. Very little drinking is in my present, or future. I can't stand the feeling of arrogant stupidity that comes with a buzz.

Maybe Al-anon meetings again? I don't know if you've stopped or are still going. But why not al-anon for his smoking behavior? Just because it's not alcohol doesn't mean that you need to work the same 12 steps to deal with his current behavior. Detachment...such an art, one I could never master with detaching in the big way. Maybe you're more skilled at that than I am.

So he has this other disease-addiction, which is smoking. This one comes with a stink just like alcohol does. With detachment, you have to love him through this time, warts and all?

I'm one to talk. I finally walked. NOW maybe he'll become the man I deserved all those years...which tears me up like nothing ever has in my life.

As an active smoking addict, I know what he feels. You were never addicted to cigarettes like he is. He has an addictive personality, you perhaps don't. But I oh so relate to you on the pain that addiction causes you.

 

A quitting smoker does not act the same as a dry drunk. It is completely different. He knows the difference too and is not happy he is going back to that. I am grateful that he recognizes it however

 

I am still very involved in Al-anon. He and I do a big book study weekly and I talk with my sponsor regularly too.

 

The warts are my choice to deal with. The insanity that is being caused is not okay for our son. He doesn't have the 12 steps, nor the capability at his age to be able to cope with this situation. That is my main concern really.

 

In fact my son is so much a concern for me that I have decided to remain in the relationship, not have a physical one in any sense and just live with that. It doesn't make me happy and under normal circumstances I would leave him. He has left our life three times now and the last time our son tried four times to kill himself. I will not risk that again. I would rather live in personal torture for the rest of my life instead of that.

 

As long as I don't say anything about it, leave him the car payment worth of money each month to buy smokes and leave him alone about it all is well. He is okay with not having any type of physical relationship with me to be able to smoke. That is the part that hurts.

 

Thanks for your kind words and help. I am wishing the very best for you.

[You Go Girl]

Has your son had counseling? That sounds very alarming, that he has considered hurting himself.

[Vesna]

He makes you go into the garage to suffer the stinky consequences of his habit and calls it 'alone time'? You go with him willingly? Sorry, but he is selfish, controlling and imposing, not to mention putting both the lives and sanities of you and your son at risk. You have quit and he obviously does not want to quit. He is a walking, breathing deal-breaker. Move on.

[Clep]

Has your son had counseling? That sounds very alarming, that he has considered hurting himself.

 

Oh he sure has. I had him with a psychologist for a year as well as in two different courses that ran four months each.

 

He is doing great now. I do have concern thought that if something was to happen to the relationship with his father and I he would go right back. I think if he has another year or so of stability in the area of his father being around he will be capable of dealing with such a thing.

 

He has had almost a year so far of a wonderful relationship with his father thankfully.

[Clep]

He makes you go into the garage to suffer the stinky consequences of his habit and calls it 'alone time'? You go with him willingly? Sorry, but he is selfish, controlling and imposing, not to mention putting both the lives and sanities of you and your son at risk. You have quit and he obviously does not want to quit. He is a walking, breathing deal-breaker. Move on.

 

He doesn't make me do anything but did press for it. I quit going when I quit smoking so there was lots of tension around here.

 

Thankfully since I started this thread he has softened about it. I am quite strong willed and he figured out I won't give in on this. He no longer smokes in the garage or around our home for that matter. Thank god. I hated the smell even when he smoked outside.

 

He realized how bad it smelled when he would wear gloves to smoke, a coat he would leave outside, use cologne and chew gum before he came into the house and I would still tell him to go away as he stunk. haha

 

I agree completely on the selfish part. He agreed the other day he is being selfish as well. He has also agreed to quit smoking and apologized for being such an ass. He is tired of not being able to kiss me and says he wants a relationship that thrives, not just survives or stays stagnant.

 

I'm glad I stood my ground.

[pureinheart]

I really hate to say this, and I so understand how radical this addiction can be, although you have to think about your own "sobriety".

 

If I was around a smoker day after day, there is a strong chance I would start again. I cannot risk that. I was a hard core smoker.

 

I have made a promise to me, to love and honor me, and intend on keeping that promise.

 

((((((((((((((((hugs C))))))))))))))))

[Clep]

I really hate to say this, and I so understand how radical this addiction can be, although you have to think about your own "sobriety".

 

If I was around a smoker day after day, there is a strong chance I would start again. I cannot risk that. I was a hard core smoker.

 

I have made a promise to me, to love and honor me, and intend on keeping that promise.

 

((((((((((((((((hugs C))))))))))))))))

 

Thanks for the hugs. I never liked smoking. I actually hated it. Every time I would take a drag and feel the heaviness in my lungs, my labored breathing, and the disgusting smell and taste. I hated how I could never get the smell off my hands and from my clothes and hair.

 

Being around a smoker daily makes me despise it more. He came in the house from smoking two times the other day and the smell of it filled the foyer and the whole hallway. It lasted for a while. I was so disgusted.

 

I am not in the least concerned about starting to smoke again.

 

Congratulations on doing what is in your best interest and sticking to that.

[You Go Girl]

Oh he sure has. I had him with a psychologist for a year as well as in two different courses that ran four months each.

 

He is doing great now. I do have concern thought that if something was to happen to the relationship with his father and I he would go right back. I think if he has another year or so of stability in the area of his father being around he will be capable of dealing with such a thing.

 

He has had almost a year so far of a wonderful relationship with his father thankfully.

 

Why would a breakup between the two of you affect him in a life and death manner? Something isn't right with that. I was divorced when my daughter was 12. It wasn't the easiest thing for her, but she didn't react to the point of hurting herself like this. It warrants investigation that he could still be this unstable after therapy. Were the parents transferring some of the burden to the child? Was the child used as council to adults? Was the home life after the last breakup unstable to the point of bringing such an extreme reaction on?

I am glad he is doing much better. But I simply don't like the fact that you think it is possible that a future breakup could make him that susceptible to severe depression. I am no therapist, but this is too unstable.

[Clep]

Why would a breakup between the two of you affect him in a life and death manner? Something isn't right with that. I was divorced when my daughter was 12. It wasn't the easiest thing for her, but she didn't react to the point of hurting herself like this. It warrants investigation that he could still be this unstable after therapy. Were the parents transferring some of the burden to the child? Was the child used as council to adults? Was the home life after the last breakup unstable to the point of bringing such an extreme reaction on?

I am glad he is doing much better. But I simply don't like the fact that you think it is possible that a future breakup could make him that susceptible to severe depression. I am no therapist, but this is too unstable.

 

All three times his father left he did not see our son for a year. A small child does not have the capability to process something like that. Being abandoned by a parent is an incredibly painful thing, especially when it has happened more than once. A child can easily feel that if their parent doesn't love them that they are unlovable.

 

If my son was 12 and hadn't endured that type of rejection from his father three times by the time he was six I would not expect this type of reaction either.

 

His wounds are deep and he has not had enough time to heal. With more time I would not be concerned.

 

I am surprised that you would think that there has to be more, like parents transferring burden to the child. Like what he has gone through at such a tender age isn't enough to warrant depression.