One Chance, Per Woman, Per Lifetime

[Jeff M Stevens]

If you're a guy that has suffered through a break up, and you're thinking you want her back, please read my article on the subject. All comments/criticisms/discussions are welcome! I just ask that we discuss the subject matter and don't mudsling at each other

 

Getting Your Ex Girlfriend To Want You Back - A Waste Of Time

 

If your thoughts are bent towards getting your ex girlfriend to want you back, then please FORGET IT.

 

I know that sounds harsh. I know you are hurting. I feel for you.

 

I see good men go through bad break ups all the time.

 

Sometimes they chose the wrong girl. Sometimes they treated the right one badly.

 

Either way, you get one chance per woman, per lifetime. Please consider the following things.

She WILL NOT forget

Say you do get her back. Do you think she will not forget what broke you two up in the first place? It is now burned into her brain. The "high" of your previous relationship will never be the same. Generally women break up with us (or make it so obvious they want to break up that we are forced to break up with them) and they just never feel the same.

Future Happiness Warning: She will never be as interested as she was. If you can put up with a woman that you do not have all of simply because you just cannot live without her, then go right ahead and try to get back with her. Just do not be surprised if you are always in 2nd position and/or she breaks up with you again because its just "not the same."

Do you want to be the last man standing?

Your relationship is over and now she is dating around. Finally, she realizes that you were the man for her after she kisses a number of frogs. Cue the sappy music. Roll the credits. A beautiful Hollywood ending, right?

 

Yes, if you keep it in Hollywood only.

 

This scenario does play out but here is what happens after the movie screen is dark.

 

She does not want to be with you because either she was wrong for you or you lowered her feelings for her via your actions. You break up. She goes out and gets waxed in a number of relationships. You are still pining away for her and she does not want to be alone.

 

Enter Mr. Reliable once again!

 

Make no mistake, in this scenario, you are the best of a bad lot. Guys that accept this end up a decade into their marriage asking her "honey what is wrong," when she is in her 10th bad mood of the week (and it is only Tuesday).

 

She would love to scream "I really cannot believe I ended up with you, is this really my life," but she just sulks.

 

Again, it gets back to being with her without really having her. Once a break up occurs, it occurs for a reason (or many reasons).

 

Can there be a situation where the woman was really in love with a guy that had a bad habit that he cleaned up and they got back together once he changed? Yes, that does happen. The woman was interested all the way through and was waiting for the man to change.

 

Generally, though, the break up plays like this:

 

Guy meets girl, they date, it is her idea to break up because he was either not the right guy to begin with, or he changed from the guy she fell in love with and then it is over.

 

So, please stop pining away and find a girl that you can start fresh with or you will spend your life as a second class citizen just because you cannot forget your ex!

 

Getting your ex girlfriend to want you back is not only a waste of time, but it is a waste of your life if you end up with her.

 

Remember guys, you get one chance per woman, per lifetime.

[flow15]

Do you not have the same thing about men for women??

[Jeff M Stevens]

I write from a male perspective because #1, I'm male and #2, there is a ton of help for women out there related to dating and relationships and not a lot for guys.

 

I would like to write for women but that is not my expertise.

 

Sometimes I think it would be easier to write for women because they're *generally* more open to hearing about dating and relationships. Some guys get tripped up by their own egos. They will spend hundreds on golf lessons to get better but try to tell them about women? Forget it. There are just some guys that will never be open to that.

 

But, I am what I am and have studied what I've studied so I have to keep on, keeping on as far as writing from a male perspective.

 

Thanks for your response!

[flow15]

But you are writing from a women's perspective because you are basically telling guys what to do based on how a woman thinks or reacts... If your a male then you should know what to tell a woman what to do based on how a man thinks and reacts... no?

[Jeff M Stevens]

In the male/female dynamic we have studied how women react to men, so you are right in that I am trying to get inside the mind of a woman however, I wouldn't feel comfortable reversing it.

 

It would require me to understand what happens from the female perspective in the relationship when a man breaks up with her.

 

I know that when a woman falls out of love, it is pretty much it because of the way females are built. The interest level she once had will never be the same.

 

For a guy, is that the case? I don't know...never studied that. I know with a woman you can't go back. Can you go back with a guy? Are guys built different? I do know they are but to speak intelligently of it and be able to give a woman solid advice as to what to do once she has suffered a break up, I just wouldn't be that comfortable doing that.

 

I have learned about the male/female dynamic from a man's perspective but to reverse it, its not my area of comfort/expertise and to be honest, there are a ton of places where women can get advice that are better than my uninformed opinion.

 

Having said all that, if you have a specific question for me, I'll do my best to answer it. Just realize there are probably a million other better sources than me. People that have actually studied the male/female dynamic from a female perspective.

 

Thanks for your response to me

[flow15]

"I know that when a woman falls out of love, it is pretty much it because of the way females are built. The interest level she once had will never be the same."

 

I always thought it was the other way around!

 

But maybe you are right. Maybe I think this because my ex was so in love with me before and now he ended it and I don't understand how he could change so much... so I just wanted to know what advice you would give me seeing as you are a man! But if you haven't studied that, then no worries.... I keep looking for answers... but deep down I think I know that I won't find any advice because no one knows my ex and what he is feeling and why he ended it.

 

Thanks

[Sambo]

Jeff,

 

First off let me say these are all "decent" observations but far from written in stone.

 

I made most of these observations after my 2rd long term relationship ended at the age of 30. I'm 46 now and I can assure you that there is far more to the story then what you suggest but these are all fairly good points.

 

Hollywood is the real problem because it sells us this idea of happiness, it also sells us this idea of moving on and the grass is always greener syndrome.

 

Divorce is almost an epidemic right now and up to 66% in some places in North America.

 

True love is really just a fantasy perpetuated by the media but when you get a little older you realize that we are all just people and we are just human beings and that gorgeous babe farts and has dirty underwear just like you do and not every day is a cruise ship romance date.

 

You then start to realize that it's not about the fantasy anymore it's really just about the companionship and if your smart enough you stop looking for the dream and you start looking for someone that you can just get along well with and who's company you enjoy.

[Sambo]

"I know that when a woman falls out of love, it is pretty much it because of the way females are built. The interest level she once had will never be the same."

 

I always thought it was the other way around!

 

But maybe you are right. Maybe I think this because my ex was so in love with me before and now he ended it and I don't understand how he could change so much... so I just wanted to know what advice you would give me seeing as you are a man! But if you haven't studied that, then no worries.... I keep looking for answers... but deep down I think I know that I won't find any advice because no one knows my ex and what he is feeling and why he ended it.

 

Thanks

 

 

If you really want her to fall back in love with you the way she "was", then you have to be the same man she thought you where !

 

The problem is the man that she probably "thought" you where does not really exist in reality.

 

Women fall in love with the dream in their head not the person, they have this story book idea in their minds, that few man could live up to and they all believe that they can change us into that dream.

 

Sorry bro but the good news is, it's not you.

 

Just be yourself and sooner or later who you really are will match up with some girls dream in her head ...at least for a little while anyways.

Edited September 18, 2010 by Sambo

[Jeff M Stevens]

Sambo,

 

Thanks for your responses. I do agree that whenever you put absolutes out there, you are bound to fail. I am glad you viewed my article for what it was, a series of guideposts.

 

We teach guys that dating and relationships are a lot like sales in that you want to give yourself the best chance to get the sales that will pay you the most. For a luxury car salesman, he contacts people with high net worth and not people that might have less financial means. The real estate agent goes after people with 700+ credit as opposed to someone with 500 credit....etc.

 

When a guy gets broken up with, it becomes a much tougher "sale." Can there be that rare instance where all the stars align and they are happy for life? Hey, like I said...no absolutes in this world.

 

But, as a general rule, that woman is now a bad "lead" as far as his long term happiness. He can try but often he will fail when he could have been spending time finding a woman that will really want to be with him for the long haul as opposed to a woman that just will never feel the same.

 

I also agree that we are just people and once you pass by the initial giddy romantic stuff it is not the white picket fence with an never ending amount of excitement and smiles. It IS about 2 people that feel as if their lives are better together rather than apart. Hollywood and the major media have brainwashed us to think that everything should be exciting at all times otherwise the relationship is worthless.

 

I really do appreciate your thoughtful comments to my post. Thank you.

[flow15]

If you really want her to fall back in love with you the way she "was", then you have to be the same man she thought you where !

 

The problem is the man that she probably "thought" you where does not really exist in reality.

 

Women fall in love with the dream in their head not the person, they have this story book idea in their minds, that few man could live up to and they all believe that they can change us into that dream.

 

Sorry bro but the good news is, it's not you.

 

Just be yourself and sooner or later who you really are will match up with some girls dream in her head ...at least for a little while anyways.

 

 

I am a woman not a man!!!! Hence the fact I was asking you if you have the same advice for women!

[Jeff M Stevens]

Sambo

In regards to your 2nd post to me and Flow, I do think that you are right that a woman does fall in love with what she thinks you are which is why it is important for a guy to remain consistent. Too many times a guy will get her to fall in love by being one way and then think he can relax once he's "got her" and then is surprised when she backs out because he is different from the guy that she dated.

 

Flow 15

I am really SORRY that you are hurting. It does stink but you seem like a nice woman and a good guy will appreciate that.

 

I can tell you from just a human perspective, the inherent problems that caused you two to part will probably still exist even if you're back together so maybe the best play is to give yourself some time to clear out the negative emotions and hurt to clearly evaluate if it was a good relationship or not.

 

Right now its tough to think straight and focus on the good times. Maybe this just wasn't the right situation or timing.

 

Feel free to ask me anything.

 

I do want to help people but I don't want to BS you either and put myself up as some expert that can help women when I know that would be a lie.

[Sambo]

I am a woman not a man!!!! Hence the fact I was asking you if you have the same advice for women!

 

 

Flow - my apologies.

 

To answer your question.

 

Men fall in love with what they "see" .

 

If you've let yourself go a little bit or whatever try fixing yourself up and looking hot again like you probably did when you first met. If he's just bored of you then spice up your love life because we fall in love with our eyes but we stay in love with our Penis.

[flow15]

Neither of those things will help... because I am just as hot as I was when we met... or hotter haha... and when we broke up he said our sexual chemistry is amazing just not enough to keep us together!

[durkadurka]

I've just got a few things to say:

 

I really think that you are making some assumptions about the stagnation of growth as a person.

 

I can only speak for myself and say that the person I was when I had a long term relationship at 18-19 is significantly different than the person I am today.

 

While girls might fall 'out of love' (god I hate that phrase), it's usually because there is trouble and/or things have gotten stale. For a lot of people, relationships are simply the victim of bad timing and bad luck.

 

I agree with your assessment that if getting her back is the only thing on a guy's mind, it certainly will not work.

 

The guy will come off as weak and feeble, and no girl wants a weak man, EVER. They want a refined, rugged, self assured person, which is hardly what a man is after being worn down in a relationship. Often, guys are emotionally damaged, and are seeking the comfort of being in a relationship, as opposed to really assessing whether they are still attracted to the other person.

 

For a while I was like this, before I realized that a) my ex isn't right for me right now 2) she does have some flaws and I can't give her the kind of leeway I would need to in order for things to work out.

 

With enough time though, people change, circumstances that hurt a relationship change, and with that might come a fighting chance.

 

But also with time comes the possibility that she moves on. So it's all really a crap shoot.

[Don Ho]

Flow15, sorry to to say, but I think when a guy has broken up with a woman, he is also done and there is little chance of getting him back. If you get him back, it may likely because he liked the sex with you, is not getting any and wants to get laid. That, of course, is not going to last and you're going to end up feeling used. Or, his other women did not work out, and you're better than nothing to fill the void until he finds a woman that really rocks his world. Of course there area always a very few exceptions to the rule, but don't assume you're in that 1%. I wouldn't spend to much energy pining away and hoping NC might bring him around. You may not like what you get even IF he comes back. Move forward Sista!

[Don Ho]

Jeff, I have struggled with this concept and no one likes to hear it, but I think it's the truth. I don't think the "energy", excitement or romance is ever the same with a second chance. And, like you said, you typically end up with the problem that broke you up the first time breaking you up again. Of course there a are very few exceptions to this and couples have gotten back together and gotten married.

 

I remember many years ago I was dating this gal. She went back to her Ex BF as she had done with other guys over the years. I did all the "get your Ex back strategies", it worked and I got her back. Know what I got? The same woman with low character that was a cheating, liar, that, big surprise, cheated on me again! So guys (and gals) be CAREFUL what you wish for ... you might just get it!

[flow15]

Jeff, I have struggled with this concept and no one likes to hear it, but I think it's the truth. I don't think the "energy", excitement or romance is ever the same with a second chance. And, like you said, you typically end up with the problem that broke you up the first time breaking you up again. Of course there a are very few exceptions to this and couples have gotten back together and gotten married.

 

I remember many years ago I was dating this gal. She went back to her Ex BF as she had done with other guys over the years. I did all the "get your Ex back strategies", it worked and I got her back. Know what I got? The same woman with low character that was a cheating, liar, that, big surprise, cheated on me again! So guys (and gals) be CAREFUL what you wish for ... you might just get it!

 

What were the 'get your ex back strategies' that you used to get her back? I know people say that if they dumped you, its over move on... the same problems will still be there. But what if you take them back and you manage to work through the problems? Could you tell me the strategies you used?

[Don Ho]

What were the 'get your ex back strategies' that you used to get her back? I know people say that if they dumped you, its over move on... the same problems will still be there. But what if you take them back and you manage to work through the problems? Could you tell me the strategies you used?

Maybe you should make a short thread and explain your details.

[flow15]

Maybe you should make a short thread and explain your details.

 

Ok I created a new thread... However didn't turn out to be very short. I apologize! Hope you can help

[Fruitpunch]

lol

Don you just posted a long thread advising why getting back with an ex is a bad idea and all the guy heard was "how to get my ex back"

 

I pretty much gave up with these forums a while back because people just dont listen. Some do, but there are people on here that are looking for answers to a question that is already dead.

 

Dude, listen to what he is saying, its ****ed. start to heal

[Don Ho]

Don you just posted a long thread advising why getting back with an ex is a bad idea and all the guy heard was "how to get my ex back". I pretty much gave up with these forums a while back because people just dont listen.

 

Well Bro, most people listen and a few do not (you know who they are). I don't know if you remember Padawan, but she would not listen to anyone ... at all!! Eventually she saw the light and figured out she had to stop contact and move forward. I think you'll see some people start a thread on LS trying to find out how to get their Ex back. They're hurt, confused, desperate and in anguish. You'll see them evolve, accept they have to go NC and start to move forward. Come on Bro, you have good advice to share, so soldier on!

[durkadurka]

Well Bro, most people listen and a few do not (you know who they are). I don't know if you remember Padawan, but she would not listen to anyone ... at all!! Eventually she saw the light and figured out she had to stop contact and move forward. I think you'll see some people start a thread on LS trying to find out how to get their Ex back. They're hurt, confused, desperate and in anguish. You'll see them evolve, accept they have to go NC and start to move forward. Come on Bro, you have good advice to share, so soldier on!

 

The curious thing is, why would anyone take another person back who is visibly shaken and in anguish?

 

You are only as good as you market yourself.

 

Why would any guy or girl stop seeing whoever they have moved on to see, for someone who is clearly still an emotional wreck?

[flow15]

Jeff, I have struggled with this concept and no one likes to hear it, but I think it's the truth. I don't think the "energy", excitement or romance is ever the same with a second chance. And, like you said, you typically end up with the problem that broke you up the first time breaking you up again. Of course there a are very few exceptions to this and couples have gotten back together and gotten married.

 

I remember many years ago I was dating this gal. She went back to her Ex BF as she had done with other guys over the years. I did all the "get your Ex back strategies", it worked and I got her back. Know what I got? The same woman with low character that was a cheating, liar, that, big surprise, cheated on me again! So guys (and gals) be CAREFUL what you wish for ... you might just get it!

 

I realise that second chances sometimes don't happen or don't work out... but I was just curious to know what strategies he used as he said that it worked in getting her back. And I am still curious to know what strategies you used don ho. I am by the way in NC with my ex

[Don Ho]

I realise that second chances sometimes don't happen or don't work out... but I was just curious to know what strategies he used as he said that it worked in getting her back. And I am still curious to know what strategies you used don ho. I am by the way in NC with my ex

Flow, I know you want "the answer" on how to get your Ex back, but as I explained in your other thread, you need to work on YOU or it's not going to work, no matter what "strategy" you use. "The answer" for you is to go fix yourself. AFTER that point, in 6-9 months, if you're even still interested in your EX then you can try to reconcile. Before that it's just useless and you're only going to prolong your anguish.

[stoploss11]

Not sure I agree, entirely. What if circumstances are the reason the first chance never evolved or ran its course?

 

Or does this only apply if its all in relationship?

 

How Do I PM someone, or is my security clearance not high enough? DonHo can you PM me?