in love with a narcissist?

[tornandmarried]

The Narcissistic Community of Women (NCW) is comprised of women who are pathological liars. In a way they are sadists; they use verbal and psychological abuse and violence against the weak among the women, the elderly and even young children. When the narcissistic woman’s glamour and trickery wears thin, underneath lurks a monster, which sucks the affect, distorts the cognition and irreversibly influences the lives of those around it to the worse.

 

The narcissistic woman has no time/energy for anything except the next narcissistic fix, no matter what the price and who is trampled on. Depending on who is involved, the narcissistic women behave differently. They will not be enraged by the behavior of an important person, but will become absolutely malevolent with their own husband and in-laws under the same circumstances. For the narcissistic women, humans are dispensable/ re-usable. The narcissist is judgmental (with no merit) is above reproach and is above any law, social or other (threatens her grandiosity). If ignored, feels empty, humiliated, wrathful, discriminated against, neglected and feels that she is compromising, sooner or later, the narcissistic woman will plot, conspire and do what ever is necessary to regain lost ground, recognizes no borders and no other people except those who are able to provide her narcissistic supply sources. To cause someone to have sex with her is a powerful feeling for the narcissistic woman.

 

It leads to a quick succession of narcissistic supply sources. The narcissistic woman is unable to simulate emotions (only able to feign emotions), is devious and is very convincing. Gradually, the narcissistic woman distorts the personalities of those she is in constant touch with (e.g. colleagues, workers, professionals, etc.). Casts them in her deficient mold, limits them, redirects them and inhibits them. She drives the mate/spouse, colleagues/workers, professionals and even children into collaborating and induces them to criminal and romantic impulses. The narcissistic women are charmers, persuaders and gifted actors. Many such women belong to the socio-economically privileged classes and find scapegoats or co-conspirators very easily and get away because of society (being able to have the rules bent for them, etc.).

 

The facilitators once compromised, continue collaborating to hide their own dishonesty. Narcissistic women are enamored of status symbols (big houses, expensive cars, clothes, jewelry, successful spouses, private schools for kids, etc.). The narcissism and religion may go well together, because it allows the narcissistic woman to feel unique and believe that they have a “direct line to God.” She baits authority and challenges (e.g. false complaints, not complying with court/custody/visitation orders etc.). She fears air-travel, ‘Narcissistic confinement’. A Narcissistic woman may flaunt and exploit physical charms (may claim false modesty and yet may reveal herself as a possible “whore”). She may cast herself in the role of the eternal victim.

 

For the narcissistic woman, to be abandoned (e.g. an impending divorce) means to be judged in her totality. Even though the narcissistic woman, works towards the disintegration of the relationship, “Desertion is emotional annihilation of the narcissistic woman” and consequently feels annulled, rendered transparent, abused, exploited and objectified. The narcissistic woman is born into a dysfunctional family (affective dysfunction and massive denials) with several personality disorders, constant aggression and violence/abuse (verbal/psychological/physical and sexual). The narcissistic woman has 2 masks, the first, the “false self” and the second, as a “vulnerable child like person (and subject to adult protection) who is a genius (therefore worthy of special treatment).”

 

The narcissistic woman makes absurd accusations, distorts facts, pronounces allegations, and motivated by the fear of abandonment will demean herself to the point of provoking repulsion in the beholder. When confronted by a crisis (e.g. impending divorce): Blinded by pain, the married narcissistic woman turns to and upon those nearest to her (husband and in-laws) – in fear – embarks on an orgy of self destruction intended to generate attention at any cost. Traumatizes the spouse, does not hesitate to lie, fabricate, deceive or “expose” (misleading) half-truths. Is a star among the ranks of crooks, villains and con artists?

 

May maliciously and intentionally shower bad intentions on some victims (e.g. estranged spouse) and sadistically forces them to pay a heavy toll, materially, in reputation and emotionally. Engages in acts, which puts her husband and in-laws in the line of punishment, hurts people, breaks the law or violates morality. May return to an old haunt (defunct pathological narcissistic space) e.g. an ex-mate, if she can no longer inhabit the current pathological narcissistic space. Suddenly, because of boredom, an act or a mood (it does not have to be grounded in reality), the narcissistic woman swings from idealization to devaluation and the mate/spouse who is still a major source of narcissistic supply (to be punished for not being docile/obedient) is subjected to acts of sadism “I inflict pain, therefore I am superior.” The narcissistic woman invades the victim’s territory (e.g. job), abuses confidence, exhausts resources, hurts her husband’s loved ones, humiliates and insults privately and in public.

 

Actions and reactions are determined by input from outside (e.g. parent narcissist/friend who has acquired similar traits/support groups, etc.). Calls the Police because they represent the law and what is right (represents her rigid parents), to suppress the unruly behavior, of her own narcissistic disorder, (blamed on the victim). The rigid parents (often narcissists themselves) reward and punish arbitrarily, abandon, smother with ill regulated emotions, instill a rigid, sadistic super-ego, (but will even help cover up murder by their emotionally crippled child-adult) and are a secondary narcissistic supply source. The narcissistic child represents the dysfunctional family (with mood disorders, abuse, Cluster B personality disorders, etc.).

 

“Life is a Movie,” gaining control by “writing a scenario” or by “inventing a narrative” is commonplace for the narcissistic woman. Emits a narcissistic signal (reaches out to ex-mates) then receives a host of narcissistic stimuli (messages from people willing to collaborate in providing the narcissistic supply), rates these stimuli and those with the highest rating is selected, then over valued. Feels magically rewarded, re-awakened. The Narcissist has no genuine emotions, can be in love with the narcissistic supply source because the person is famous/has money/power/comes from the right family/ is a Citizen of a foreign country (whereas the narcissist is a potential immigrant and needs sponsorship).

 

To impress a group of people (e.g. support groups) the narcissist will identify with their goals and beliefs to the point of ridicule. The narcissist is always the most fanatical, extreme and the most dangerous (at stake is her own survival). Having learned to manipulate their human environment to a masterly extent, they believe they will always “get away with it” and “punishment is for ordinary people.” Once the group is no longer instrumental, the narcissistic woman devalues it, ignores it and in extreme cases destroys it (as punishment for its incompetence at securing her narcissistic supply).

 

When confronted with her own off-springs The narcissistic woman at first perceives them as a threat to her narcissistic supply sources and may attempt to hurt them. If this proves to be in effective, subjects them to emotional absence and detachment, and directs transformed anger at the spouse (starting soon after the delivery). Some manipulate their spouse by “taking over” the child (Annexation and Assimilation) and use it as a source of narcissistic supply. The mother can cast herself in the role of the eternal victim, who has dedicated her life to the child (implicit proviso of reciprocity) and may treat the child as an extension of the Mother, or she may create a situation of the Mother and child “united against external threats” (having already destroyed the Father).

 

If the offspring starts becoming judgmental (as he/she gets older), then he/she is perceived as a threat and is rejected to get what the narcissistic woman finally wants “disintegration.” Contempt, rage, emotional and psychological abuse and even physical violence occur if the narcissistic woman is disenchanted with her child – narcissism breeds’ narcissism. If the mother herself is the narcissist type, the growth prospects of the child are indeed dim. Other personality disorders may be inter-related: (Cluster B Disorders – e.g. Narcissistic, Borderline and Antisocial). In stressful situations, they will try to pre-empt a (real/imaginary) threat, introduce new variables or otherwise influence the external world (cajole, bribery, threaten, fabricate, etc.) to conform to their needs. Borderline Personality Disorder patients may experience brief psychotic “micro-episodes.”

 

It is a case of a failed narcissistic solution and may lead to self-mutilation. The Anti-Social Personality may in addition exhibit internalized and transformed aggression directed at a self-perceived inadequate worthy of nothing but elimination. The Cluster B Personality Disorders may overlap and during a crisis may exhibit features of the other. Personality Disorders are more common in people with breast augmentation (as per some researchers). To stop a narcissist Do not adore, approve, applaud or confirm anything that the narcissistic woman says.

 

Receiving special treatment (from lawyers, psychologists, courts, support groups, etc.) will only exacerbate the condition by supporting the grandiose, fantastic image the narcissistic woman has of herself. Force the narcissistic woman to admit that she is absolutely wrong and in need of professional help. Get them to commit to therapy. Get the narcissistic woman to confront (during therapy) a real version of herself. (A good friend/spouse/therapist/parent or all can help). Set up rigid, strict and well-defined rules. Clear and painful sanctions must be applied religiously and mercilessly, set in writing in unequivocal language. Get the narcissistic woman to confront the narcissist parent. Penalize the criminal acts.

Edited September 18, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[worlybear]

Whew! Glad that's not me, then.

[tornandmarried]

haha....wish i could say the same...hopefully this divorce will go smoothly, but i doubt it

[trippi1432]

LOL!! I was thinking the same thing WorlyBear! :lmao:

 

Good luck to you TornandMarried, I hope it goes smoothly for you too.

[Tony]

To the OP: When you copy and paste articles and posts from other sites, please site the source of the material. It is also extremely important that you don't post copyrighted work in our forums without express written permission from the author/publisher.

 

Many thanks for your cooperation.

[tornandmarried]

thanks tony ill remember that.....and trippi, im just glad my eyes are finally open to the truth

[tornandmarried]

(This summation is based on a book called Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin, PhD.)

http://www.498a.org/blog/2006/01/11/the-narcissistic-community-of-women-ncw/

[Woggle]

If only women like this came with warning labels. Life would be so much easier for guys.

[Tony T]

If only women like this came with warning labels. Life would be so much easier for guys.

 

There is really no way you can know if they are narcissistic until you are well into the relationship. The signals and symptoms don't become obvious for a period of time. That's the main problem and that's why it's very difficult to squirm your way out of a relationship with an N...because you can be emotionally attached...and if you've been very good to them they will not want to let you go. Not because they love you at all but because of the goodies they get from you.

[Tony T]

You don't know the definition of hell until you've gone through gaslighting by a narcissistic female!

Edited September 18, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[karnak]

You don't the definition of hell until you've gone through gaslighting by a narcissistic female!

 

Amen, brother. I know it all too well, unfortunately.

[Ballerfamily]

amen, again. Wish I would have known this info years ago. The saddest thing is we victims of this become co-dependent on them. Its unreal

[Confused4Now]

amen, again. Wish I would have known this info years ago. The saddest thing is we victims of this become co-dependent on them. Its unreal

Yup being a co-dependent person married to a narcissistic person for 21 years it was a tough one to get away from. Problem is I'm trying to get out of another one.....sad

[YellowShark]

There is really no way you can know if they are narcissistic until you are well into the relationship. The signals and symptoms don't become obvious for a period of time.

You don't know the definition of hell until you've gone through gaslighting by a narcissistic female!

 

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

 

With mine I caught her red-handed on our deck necking with a married man while her step-son and I were sleeping inside. Talk about a "lack of empathy," "arrogance," and "no boundaries." The gaslighting that is currently going on within our social circle is "I am a jealous raging maniac! ...and it never happened."

 

Yup. That's me. After 7 years together I just decided to get up at 3:30am one night after a dinner party and frame my EX of seven years and a good friend of 4 years - (MM with a pregnant wife). I guess I was bored that night.

 

And when I was suspicious of her first EA prior to her second affair, she labeled me "controlling," "jealous," and "angry with women."

 

Sad part is Tony, the gaslighting she and MM have perpetrated has been 90% been successful amongst the social circle.

Edited September 18, 2010 by YellowShark
spelling

[Ballerfamily]

its like they read and then do from a manual. Where do they learn this ****?

 

Mine got away with gas lighting only to new friends, all the old ones were on to her years ago,(she doesn't bother with them, there low-lifes) un-beknowenst to me. go figure

 

trust your gut and instinct. And then x's it by 10. ( I was not wrong in one gut instinct in 25 yrs. Face it, believe it, deal with it immediately.)

 

What ever you do, run and protect yourself. They will be coming after you in divorce. That you can count on. Family court sucks. You have exposed them and there fraud. Run, baby, run. And I mean sprint. You are f*****. lol. Laughing now is how I deal. At least makes me a fun guy. (and then I sob later)

 

A good test. How many old friends do they have left? HS,College, etc. A N will constantly be making new friends

Edited September 18, 2010 by Ballerfamily

[jerrytodd]

A good test. How many old friends do they have left? HS,College, etc. A N will constantly be making new friends

 

Oh my god, I wish they would add that one to the DSM-IV definition. My ex had zero friends beyond some acquaintances in the office in the time we were together. The maid of honour at her wedding 10+ years ago was someone she knew casually at her university. She had no one from her home town at all and even her cousins despised her at the time of her wedding (and still do now). It was incredibly sad to hear and I just didnt get it.

 

How were we all so stupid?? Oh yeah, the passion that we started with.

[trippi1432]

Okay....have to weigh in here since I have been informed multiple times that my ExH is a narcissist, men can be narcissists too. I feel for anyone that has to deal with a full on narcissist whether male or female because you will carry that RED N on your forehead for a while (instead of the A for adultery...they wont' carry that A because it was obviously your fault to begin with). <rolls eyes and vomits>

 

I have to wonder though, we are all prone to narcissism even on the path to healing. If we look at the generic term of narcissism, haven't most of us who were done wrong hit that narcissistic phase in a way? It is those that pass through to the other side of healing that finally see narcissism for what it is and know that it is beneath us when in search of truly being happy in our lives.

[You Go Girl]

Agrees with Trippi.

 

Furthermore, I think it is narcisstic to post a thread that targets a particular gender, and the bashing that ensues.

Narcissism is hardly a female specific trait. It is evenly balanced among the two genders.

 

Take a good look at the list of narcisstic traits. There isn't anyone among us who doesn't have some or all of them at different points in our lives, or on a day to day basis a little sneaks in.

Life is a selfish pursuit, plain and simple. Even altruism is a matter of self-worth, self-esteem, self-judgment. So even Mother Theresa herself or Ghandi if you prefer have selfishness as part of their make-up, because they are doing good for others and it makes them feel good about themselves.

The best use of this list of narcisstic traits is not to judge others, but to observe just when and where we had them in ourselves.

Using the list to pat ourselves on our own backs and convince ourselves that it is them with the problem--and not critically judge just when our selfishness comes through in life--is a waste of time, and fooling ourselves.

[karnak]

Using the list to pat ourselves on our own backs and convince ourselves that it is them with the problem--and not critically judge just when our selfishness comes through in life--is a waste of time, and fooling ourselves.

 

True. But some people are more selfish than others. And there are those that are clearly sick.

 

Same way a serial killer or a pedophile are.

[You Go Girl]

True. But some people are more selfish than others. And there are those that are clearly sick.

 

Same way a serial killer or a pedophile are.

 

You are right and we need to be able to identify certain traits as adding up to a sickness, and not simple daily selfishness from your average person.

However when I see a thread go off on a mob mentality, I am always going to call it as too much bashing of others and not enough work on ourselves.

How many threads have we all contributed to on LS that are entitled: Here are my flaws, what are yours? Just how many humbling threads are there?

And how many threads are there--look! they cheated! And then the mob lights their flares and comes out for the hanging.

 

Identifying the debilitating parts of our partner's personality is important, but self-improvement is why we should be here!

There is no getting well focusing on another person's flaws without focusing on our own simultaneously.

[karnak]

 

Identifying the debilitating parts of our partner's personality is important, but self-improvement is why we should be here!

There is no getting well focusing on another person's flaws without focusing on our own simultaneously.

 

True. I, for the most part have been trying to improve myself for the last 6 years. Very hard but I know I can do it.

 

The big problem is that most people aren't really interested in overcoming their own vices.

 

One thing that reallt disturbs me is that life has taught me that even if you transform into a better person it will be pointless if you only interact with flawed people who don't want to better themselves.

[trippi1432]

Take a good look at the list of narcisstic traits. There isn't anyone among us who doesn't have some or all of them at different points in our lives, or on a day to day basis a little sneaks in.

 

The best use of this list of narcisstic traits is not to judge others, but to observe just when and where we had them in ourselves.

Using the list to pat ourselves on our own backs and convince ourselves that it is them with the problem--and not critically judge just when our selfishness comes through in life--is a waste of time, and fooling ourselves.

 

True. But some people are more selfish than others. And there are those that are clearly sick.

 

Same way a serial killer or a pedophile are.

 

You are right and we need to be able to identify certain traits as adding up to a sickness, and not simple daily selfishness from your average person.

 

Identifying the debilitating parts of our partner's personality is important, but self-improvement is why we should be here!

There is no getting well focusing on another person's flaws without focusing on our own simultaneously.

 

The big problem is that most people aren't really interested in overcoming their own vices.

 

One thing that reallt disturbs me is that life has taught me that even if you transform into a better person it will be pointless if you only interact with flawed people who don't want to better themselves.

 

All very good points, what started as educational ended in a sweeping generalization. I'm as guilty as the next person in doing that as well, just made a generalization that all rich men are egotistical and greedy. Do I know that for a fact...no, so I had to correct myself because I was wrong to state that.

 

Same here, when we are hurt, we cycle through the pain and we do hit some narcissistic traits. "I'm angry, I'm taking the kids", "I'm hurt, I'm going to go out and have an affair", tit for tat, blaming, pointing fingers, control and manipulation. Traits only if that person sees the path they are going down with that and takes corrective action. Anger can lead to narcissism if held and not worked on.

 

I agree too Karnak - it's hard to better yourself if your life is burdened with negative or flawed people. It makes it hard to function on your path to healing. It's also extremely hard to be married to someone who is manipulative, miserable and negative all the time...you get pulled down into the muck with them.

[You Go Girl]

True. I, for the most part have been trying to improve myself for the last 6 years. Very hard but I know I can do it.

 

The big problem is that most people aren't really interested in overcoming their own vices.

 

One thing that reallt disturbs me is that life has taught me that even if you transform into a better person it will be pointless if you only interact with flawed people who don't want to better themselves.

 

How true, how true!

Working on my own vices is proving difficult. I want to quit smoking, and I'm failing so far...but tomorrow is a day to begin new beginnings. It is quite something to challenge ourselves to change our spots.

 

As for who we interact with--yeah. I see your point. Even if we quietly with understanding acknowledge that they are at a different point in their maturity when we see it clear as day, we can still be sucked in if that's who we socialize with in whatever form.

Beware...there are mine fields everywhere in this life.

[holms]

Umm... wow, that pretty much defined my daughters Mother. Thank you for that post, puts things into perspective for me. I'm going to print that out and tape that to my wall for a while.

 

After years of her sneaking around with another man in an EA I couldn't take anymore and left.

 

After taking her out for her birthday she got very drunk and started to pick a fight with me after sending out the Angry Drunken Text's to all the friends that didn't show up to the party. In the end she was calmly throwing things at me, mainly aiming for my head, all because I was sick of feeding into her Drama anymore after almost 8 years. A hand made clay candle holder (about 2-3 lbs.) wizzed past my ear and smashed on the wall. She had an evil look on her face that just said to me "Yeah I did it... what are you going to do about it."

 

I called the police finally and began to get dressed since they always ask the man to leave no matter what but to my shock she got rather lippy with the officers that showed up. That had never happened before. Even more shocking, she ended up having a Warrent for her Arrest from many unpaid Parking Tickets she had racked up in front of the "Other Man's" House.

 

While being lead out of the Apartment she was screaming at me to pack up my stuff and get out before she returns home. The arresting officer informed me that she will have an Order to stay away for 24 hours so to do what I need to do. I left that day. I didn't sleep that evening, just packed up anything I could find that was irreplaceable (Drawings of mine, Gifts from my deceased Father who she never met so there is no personal attachment, and old pictures I didn't have on Disk.) and I abandoned a lot else.

 

She begged and pleaded for me to come home for about 4 months then after righting me a heart felt letter she backed off. After a while I began to miss her.... well at least the times we USED to have. Before our daughter she was once a Beautiful, Warm and Loving person. But she turned into a possessive, insecure, increasingly angry drama queen. She now has her brother and another man living in my old apartment and I can't deny that was not a blow to the guts I am confident she will never change and any relationships she ever has will all end the same. In fact, she once commented to me (nearing the end of "US") that it irritated her that all her relationships start different yet "End the Same" then got mad at me when I pointed out there is one common variable in that equation.

 

She now uses every excuse to keep me from starting to move on with my life by guilt tripping me into paying more then agreed on. Asking me to come hang out with her and our Daughter to "Hash things out" on my weekends. Calling me on my breaks just to chat and keep me on the hook so to speak. Bashing me to old friends though a lot of those old friends will tell me that she will never change.

 

Again, thanks for the post.... cheers me up some to know that it is not entirely my fault. As I was reading all that I could think back to specific times that related with what I was reading.

[tornandmarried]

yw holms...this article was an eye opener for me as well.....i agree with others, everyone has their narcissistic moments in life, while others its a major problem, it ruins other peoples lives, full-blown narcissist personality disorder...actually most narcissists are males, some 85%, as ive read....i strongly believe my stbxw is a narcissist, not just because of how the break up is going down but after analyzing the whole relationship....i found my self complaining to my friends about her, making excuses for her...going through some papers i found countless post it notes saying "sorry about last night" "sorry for how i am" etc....i was so confused about how and why she acted in such ways and nothing made sense till i started reading about narcissism....and i know i cant point fingers and it makes it all better...i want to improve myself, why did i put up with this for so long? i was itching to break up with her the whole time, yet i stayed, why? why was i so weak and magnetized by her? it not her fault its mine, i should have walked away first time i seen a red flag.....at least ill know better in the future and never settle for less than true love that takes my breath away and fills my heart with joy