If Affairs are so bad that the AP is vilified ...

[Spark1111]

I agree with most of what was said above.

 

But I also think, that in most cases, the cheating comes as such a shock, like "I neve in my life imagines (fill in the name here) would EVER do this to me?!!!"

 

and so in order to find reason to why this happened, that this fantastic person that they loved so much would do something so out of character, the BS is more willing to imagine that the AP was the one that chased after, seduced, and corrupted their almost perfect spouse.

 

They need to rationalize it that way to make some sense of it, because otherwise, I would imagine that it would be way more crushing to realize that all the years of marriage invested where invested in a person that's not truly who they thought they were.

 

Absolutely spot on rings true for me.

 

Great post!

 

It is a coping mechanism that kicks in to protect the BS.

 

It's not rational and it is not right.

 

It just is. It protects the psyche from pain until they can find the mental and emotional strength to deal with the depth of the betrayal by a loved one.

 

The the hard part starts.

[bohogirl]

I agree. It feels like all her questions are set up questions. Not sure...but:confused:

 

I honestly don't know what you mean by "set up quetsions".

[crazycatlady]

If you don't like the threads I start or cannot find anything constructive to say why join in? Your making wild accusations when you know it is possible to prove a negative doesn't make me look highly strung.

 

Please don't tell me what I think it is so presumptious.

 

Boho- I answered your question. And I was only using your words. Shall I find the posts where you call BS bitter and resentful? I'm not saying what you are thinking, I'm just using your words that you put out there for us all to read. I also did not say you were bitter and resentful, just that what you say is bitter and resentful. I'm not the only one who reads it that way. Don't like the mirror turned back towards you, dear? Awwww. I'm sorry if I hurt your tender little feelings.

 

I can be honest...I find your words remind me of the OW in our sitch....I heard her say such similar things about all the BS that came before me. So actually the shame should be on me. I should have known that someone who so little morals wouldn't let something as little as the fact that I was her own sister come between what she wanted. I just hope she is as tormented as you come across. Now that would be sweet revenge. Except for the fact that I'm a nice person. And I don't like the fact that was so easy to say about her at this moment...

 

And I do feel bad that she considers her whole decade to have been horrible. I feel bad she fell for my husband who was never leaving me. I didn't have to fight for him. I told him, you want to go, go. I won't fight over the kids, I won't take your money. I will move out, get a job and pay child support. I was going to make it EASY for him. And I was there to see his shocked face when he said he never wanted me to leave, he didn't want to leave me and since has worked his butt off to make up that year to me. And she is alone. As always in the end, she is alone. And that is sad. But she can't seem to keep her hands off the married men. I don't understand it.

 

Excuse the off topic, excuse the slight bitterness because I am currently struggling on how to deal with her because I can't live with this anger I have towards her. Its not healthy for me. But I still think you are a trying to stir up the pot for whatever reason.

 

CCL

awkward - I will be probably trying again soon. I think I'm about over my extreme anger of this summer at her.

[pureinheart]

why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP)

a target for contempt?

 

I think it's easier to project anger to a person that is not in the "circle" per se.

 

In some cases it takes years for the BS to "forgive" and in order to have peace in the home (or the illusion of peace) the BS needs to focus anger on someone...who better than the AP?

[awkward]

I had to read a few more posts because I felt like I came late to the party.

 

I read where you posted that your MM's wife posts here at LS. Are you angry with this specific BS and they way she portrays you, her husband, and her marriage? Or is this about the BS's on LS in general?

[bohogirl]

Boho- I answered your question. And I was only using your words. Shall I find the posts where you call BS bitter and resentful? I'm not saying what you are thinking, I'm just using your words that you put out there for us all to read. I also did not say you were bitter and resentful, just that what you say is bitter and resentful. I'm not the only one who reads it that way. Don't like the mirror turned back towards you, dear? Awwww. I'm sorry if I hurt your tender little feelings.

 

I can be honest...I find your words remind me of the OW in our sitch....I heard her say such similar things about all the BS that came before me. So actually the shame should be on me. I should have known that someone who so little morals wouldn't let something as little as the fact that I was her own sister come between what she wanted. I just hope she is as tormented as you come across. Now that would be sweet revenge. Except for the fact that I'm a nice person. And I don't like the fact that was so easy to say about her at this moment...

 

And I do feel bad that she considers her whole decade to have been horrible. I feel bad she fell for my husband who was never leaving me. I didn't have to fight for him. I told him, you want to go, go. I won't fight over the kids, I won't take your money. I will move out, get a job and pay child support. I was going to make it EASY for him. And I was there to see his shocked face when he said he never wanted me to leave, he didn't want to leave me and since has worked his butt off to make up that year to me. And she is alone. As always in the end, she is alone. And that is sad. But she can't seem to keep her hands off the married men. I don't understand it.

 

Excuse the off topic, excuse the slight bitterness because I am currently struggling on how to deal with her because I can't live with this anger I have towards her. Its not healthy for me. But I still think you are a trying to stir up the pot for whatever reason.

 

CCL

awkward - I will be probably trying again soon. I think I'm about over my extreme anger of this summer at her.

 

I recall the phrase "he who laughs last, laughs hardest". The OW in your situation may have had a reprieve.

 

I don't wish ill on anyone but be vigilant. Apparently discovering you have been in a false reconciliation is just as hurtful as a DDay. It is still early days for you. He has proven that he can do what he wants and you will still have him.

Take good care.

[pureinheart]

I do not forgive the OW because she didn't ask. As for the OW, she is a serial OW. I know of at least 5 other married men and at least one married woman where she was the OW. I would forgive her if she asked, but I don't see that happening. CCL

 

You have got to be kidding me...(PM if you want rather than open forum) is her serial stuff increasing and getting worse? CCL, I think your sis is spiriling down fast...no girl, something is wrong.

 

She hasn't talked to you YET...I am soooo sorry...wow, just very shocked due to how close guys were...I am just so sorry CCL...

[crazycatlady]

I recall the phrase "he who laughs last, laughs hardest". The OW in your situation may have had a reprieve.

 

I don't wish ill on anyone but be vigilant. Apparently discovering you have been in a false reconciliation is just as hurtful as a DDay. It is still early days for you. He has proven that he can do what he wants and you will still have him.

Take good care.

 

He's proven that when push comes to shove, the person he wants to be with is me. There won't be another dday. I know that for a fact. I don't have to check on him. I don't have to spy on him. He will not keep me in the dark ever again. He might screw up again, he is human after all and can be selfish, but he won't ever lie to me again. That is the part that hurt.

 

Plus you have no idea the things he has done to prove that I am who he wants to grow old with, who he wants to share his life with. No, there won't be a second DDay.

 

But please, feel free to think the OW got the best end of the deal and will have the last laugh.

 

You have got to be kidding me...(PM if you want rather than open forum) is her serial stuff increasing and getting worse? CCL, I think your sis is spiriling down fast...no girl, something is wrong.

 

She hasn't talked to you YET...I am soooo sorry...wow, just very shocked due to how close guys were...I am just so sorry CCL...

 

Pure - I have no idea if she has picked up with another MM or not. During the summer I listened to her talk with another sister about some things, and I discovered aside from the MM I already knew about (which was three) there were two more and I had previously forgot about the female she was OW to.

 

I know she is covers a lot of unhappiness with bravado. And I think a lot of it has to do with needing someone to validate her, and the only way she can feel validated is through sex. She is just happily pretending all of this didn't happen. That we are all just hunkydory, nothing's wrong.

 

But I'm starting to see....I won't be able to let this go without getting out how I feel. So I'm just going to have to do it. That anger, Pure, its back and I don't like it. but this is going OT so mail me if you want to know more. Thanks for caring, Pure.

 

CCL

[skywriter]

I can't truly say that some BS ever "completely" forgive their WS. If they do, surely they never forget, therefore they likely do not, "completely" forgive.

 

However, as an OW, I can understand how the BS would naturally look at myself and other OW as intruders. I've always looked at myself and all women of this earth as a sisterhood of sorts. Something that should have an unspoken trust, bond , that shouldn't be compromised with such behavior as A's.

 

I, understand that I broke that bond by betraying the BS with my A. Was it necessary and worth it in the end. Nah.....

[SidLyon]

I had to read a few more posts because I felt like I came late to the party.

 

I read where you posted that your MM's wife posts here at LS. Are you angry with this specific BS and they way she portrays you, her husband, and her marriage? Or is this about the BS's on LS in general?

 

 

The OP was:

"why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP)

a target for contempt?"

 

I'll answer that first: I haven't yet forgiven my fWH completley but will probably get fairly close to it. The reason "why", as you ask, is because he wants to be forgiven and wants to stay with me and I with him. He loves me and I love him, both good reaons to forgive and rebuild our relationship. Yes he did things to me that were very unloving there's no doubt about that.

 

Why do I not extend the same to the OW? That's because she doesn't deserve it, at least not from me. I doubt she wants any forgiveness from me. We don't love each other. There's no reason for me not to hold her in contempt; but more recently, I'm finding that too is fading as she becomes increasingly irrelevant and meaningless in my life. That is good for me as it means I'm letting go of pointless anger towards her.

 

Now to my other issue

 

BooHoo I have read your other thread over on Infidelity and it does appear that you are on LS to "have a go" at BW's in general. You have now done a "flounce" over on Infidelity as people have called you out on what you are doing. Some of them have followed you over to here and it's hard to blame them.

 

What on earth are you playing at? You seem to be deliberately pretending to be the OW of a specific BW who is posting here on LS. You are not at all cool and it's good to see that some posters (of both persuasions) are seeing right through you.

[fooled once]

I think it is because the bonds of love, trust and respect for the person they married. While the AP is NOT the one who the BS had bonds of love, trust and respect for.

 

Therefore the BS can actively work to forgive the WS if they chose to, but they will not actively work to forgive the person who the WS cheated with. It's not in their interest at all... in fact it's not even on the BS's radar.

 

Exactly

 

See, the MM has this thing with his wife, called a marriage. If he chose to be a cheater, that is on HIM. The wife is probably trying to save her marriage, but doesn't know he is possibly lying to her still. OR he could have told her the OW was nothing but some fun and begs forgiveness.

 

No 2 situations are the same and so I am not sure what kind of answer/response you are looking for.

 

Seems as if you expect the BS to kick out the cheater and if she doesn't, shame on her. I am guessing you are the OW who is patiently waiting for the BS to kick out the MM so you can have him. If you are so important to him, why didn't he just leave? Why doesn't he choose you instead of marriage?

 

If a BS forgives the WS it is probably based upon the bonds built and reinforced during their marriage. Love, too.

 

The AP is not important; forgiving him / her does not serve the BS, unless it's in a spiritual way.

 

Good point. Additionally, if a spouse is trying to reconcile the marriage, more than likely, the cheater wasn't completely honest with both parties (then again, many times the cheater does come clean with the spouse, but not the OW). The married couple has HISTORY -- the cheater and the Affair Partner do not have that. Good or bad, they do not have that.

 

And why are you so concerned about who the spouse blames and if the OW is in good graces with the wife? Why would you care? The wife can hate the OW all she wants, if she needs to do that. And once again, no one knows what was told to the wife by the cheater in regards to the OW.

 

I never gave a toss about the MOW, still don't. She could have been anyone.

 

From reading this board, the OW needs to be thought about by the BS. It's a blow to their ego not to be.

 

Good point.

 

I am so sorry for you. It must be hard knowing your husband would have cheated with anyone. ((hugs)).

 

???? Why was this posted and who was it directed at? And how do you know the husband would cheat with anyone? And why are saying such hateful things?

 

Why would the OW do the work necessary to be forgiven completely by the BS? Unless the OW is the BS's mother, sister, friend, cousin, etc. I can't understand why repairing the BS/OW relationship would even be considered.

 

The WS has a relationship with his BS. Forgiveness is something earned. I imagine the work is hard.

 

I'm curious though. Why would an OW care whether the BS forgives her or holds her in contempt?

 

Good points.

 

I agree, seems like the Original Poster is only trying to stir the pot.

 

[seren]

I don't think I have ever villified the OW, frankly, she hasn't been a factor in our reconciliation, the breaking of trust and lying were the main issues me and H dealt with and cause me the most hurt. I can honestly say, I don't give her that much thought, nor do I attach too much importance to her. If she had been that important to H, he would not be with me now, he would have left after D Day - he told me, so that in itself says it all.

 

Of course A's are villified, they are, after all, the cause of pain and hurt to another who has no choice in the cause of their pain. I know many OW/OM will say the hurt isn't theirs to own, but of course they enable the A, so should own their part in it. There are some pretty cruel posts on LS which are intended to hurt others, I think some posts are a reaction to that.

 

To read people brag about how the MM has duped the wife so they can spend a few hours together, or those that say that the MM is staying until ....... means that another is in the dark and is giving love to a relationship that is different from their view, I don't understand why anyone is proud of hurting another and so the AP is seen as almost enjoying the hurt a BS feels, shows no regard for their feelings, whereas the WS, after D Day works their butt off to show remorse and you cannot hate those you are trying to love again, so the AP becomes that target. Unfair? possibly, but not a fraction of the unfairness of an A.

[NancyBotwin]

I had to read a few more posts because I felt like I came late to the party.

 

I read where you posted that your MM's wife posts here at LS. Are you angry with this specific BS and they way she portrays you, her husband, and her marriage? Or is this about the BS's on LS in general?

I wonder if the OP knew the BS was a member here when she joined in June, or did she discover this afterwards? Recently, this OP has started some rather provocative threads aimed toward the BS.

 

I hope stalking is a violation of the LoveShack TOS.

[fooled once]

I don't think I have ever villified the OW, frankly, she hasn't been a factor in our reconciliation, the breaking of trust and lying were the main issues me and H dealt with and cause me the most hurt. I can honestly say, I don't give her that much thought, nor do I attach too much importance to her. If she had been that important to H, he would not be with me now, he would have left after D Day - he told me, so that in itself says it all.

 

Of course A's are villified, they are, after all, the cause of pain and hurt to another who has no choice in the cause of their pain. I know many OW/OM will say the hurt isn't theirs to own, but of course they enable the A, so should own their part in it. There are some pretty cruel posts on LS which are intended to hurt others, I think some posts are a reaction to that.

 

To read people brag about how the MM has duped the wife so they can spend a few hours together, or those that say that the MM is staying until ....... means that another is in the dark and is giving love to a relationship that is different from their view, I don't understand why anyone is proud of hurting another and so the AP is seen as almost enjoying the hurt a BS feels, shows no regard for their feelings, whereas the WS, after D Day works their butt off to show remorse and you cannot hate those you are trying to love again, so the AP becomes that target. Unfair? possibly, but not a fraction of the unfairness of an A.

 

Excellent post Seren -- I 1000% agree with what I bolded. That is what in my mind is the most sick and twisted.

[BB07]

Oooh I know, I know!!! Because they choose to believe their man was the victim. Preyed upon by some lusty, heartless, gold digging trashy whore. She will believe it sooo deeply in order to forgive her H that she starts to actually have sympathy for him and will never admit or see her H's role in the A. But, the one person whom she can easily place all the blame on for causing her sooo much pain is the OW. Forget it...those women will never see us as anything respectable or forgivable and in her mind we're all the same.

 

 

RE: Your last sentence. Not true in all cases at all, it wasn't in mine, nor is it for some of the BS's who post here. Some of them, matter of fact most of them are very gracious and kind and they feel for the OW who is hurting and they don't want to drive another stake in. The ones that are here who aren't fresh out of the gate, and have worked through their anger, give a perspective that is unique and very valuable. OW and BS can learn much from each other. No I'm not just kissing up........I've experienced it, in real life and here at LS.

 

Now on to the rest of the responses, looks like this has been a hot topic.

Edited September 19, 2010 by BB07

[BB07]

I recall the phrase "he who laughs last, laughs hardest". The OW in your situation may have had a reprieve.

 

I don't wish ill on anyone but be vigilant. Apparently discovering you have been in a false reconciliation is just as hurtful as a DDay. It is still early days for you. He has proven that he can do what he wants and you will still have him.

Take good care.

 

Geez boho, that was a really low blow and completely undeserved.

 

You should apolgize to ccl for that........it was totally uncalled for.

[BB07]

It is a coping mechanism that kicks in to protect the BS.

 

It's not rational and it is not right.

 

It just is. It protects the psyche from pain until they can find the mental and emotional strength to deal with the depth of the betrayal by a loved one.

 

The the hard part starts.

 

For those that don't get it, read and re-read Sparks short and I'm sure very accurate reasons why. She lived it......

[bohogirl]

Geez boho, that was a really low blow and completely undeserved.

 

You should apolgize to ccl for that........it was totally uncalled for.

 

I suggest that you read another thread on this board where a BS found out that her spouse had not given up his OW after a year of reconciliation.

[bohogirl]

Boho, no offence, but sometimes I think you act more stupid than you clearly are.

 

With all due respect those that live in glass houses should not throw stones.

[Silly_Girl]

I rest my case

 

Shall leave you to your fun...

[bohogirl]

I really don't understand this warring mentality.

 

I have an open mind about most things and vary my opinions based on circumstances/context. However, I don't duck from pot shots and when I feel like it I will respond in the same manner. I am only human.

 

I don't believe that you can explore ideas if you come from one rigid point of view. A perspective that makes you so wound up that dissenting opinions cause anxiety and allegations of trolling, cruelty, ulterior motives etc.

 

I would not post on a thread that I was not interested in simply to state - so what?/ I don't care/i don't like you/you've upset me/whatever. Seems to me to be a complete waste of time.

[JamieA]

I really don't understand this warring mentality.

 

I have an open mind about most things and vary my opinions based on circumstances/context. However, I don't duck from pot shots and when I feel like it I will respond in the same manner. I am only human.

 

No matter how much you questions the betrayed reactions, you will never understand it until you live it.

 

I don't believe that you can explore ideas if you come from one rigid point of view. A perspective that makes you so wound up that dissenting opinions cause anxiety and allegations of trolling, cruelty, ulterior motives etc.

Right! Which is exactly as you seem to be coming from.

 

I would not post on a thread that I was not interested in simply to state - so what?/ I don't care/i don't like you/you've upset me/whatever. Seems to me to be a complete waste of time.

 

And that is your choice to make. People post for all kinds of reasons. However, it seems that you are choosing to post threads for one of those very reasons.

[woinlove]

Sometimes people accuse others of what is going on with themselves and are unaware of this fact, even though it may be obvious to others.

 

Bohogirl, when you think a lot of others are acting bad, it's time to take a hard look inside yourself.

[bohogirl]

Sometimes people accuse others of what is going on with themselves and are unaware of this fact, even though it may be obvious to others.

 

Bohogirl, when you think a lot of others are acting bad, it's time to take a hard look inside yourself.

 

Now where did I state the bolded. A couple of malcontents doesn't IMHO equate to a lot of others. Thank you for sharing your view.

 

By the way who are "the lot of others" that you perceive as acting bad?

[woinlove]

Now where did I state the bolded. A couple of malcontents doesn't IMHO equate to a lot of others. Thank you for sharing your view.

 

By the way who are "the lot of others" that you perceive as acting bad?

 

Since you ask: I only see one person acting up right now. The one who left another thread, accusing others of acting bad rather than taking a look at themselves, and who has been "warring" on a couple other threads as well. But, again, that's just my view.