If Affairs are so bad that the AP is vilified ...

[donnamaybe]

BooHoo I have read your other thread over on Infidelity and it does appear that you are on LS to "have a go" at BW's in general. You have now done a "flounce" over on Infidelity as people have called you out on what you are doing. Some of them have followed you over to here and it's hard to blame them.

 

What on earth are you playing at? You seem to be deliberately pretending to be the OW of a specific BW who is posting here on LS. You are not at all cool and it's good to see that some posters (of both persuasions) are seeing right through you.

I see it as well. Like glass.

[Owl]

Well, here's my thought on this subject.

 

Many/most of the OW/OM that post here have made it clear that they don't care about the BS in their situation.

 

They believe that they never "made vows" to the BS, so they owe the BS nothing. No consideration, they hold no responsibility at all for the damage done to the BS.

 

If this is true...why on Earth would an OW/OM have any expectation that the BS wouldn't feel the same towards them?

 

A BS does have to find forgiveness for the WS if they want to give the marriage a chance to recover.

 

There's no such requirement towards the OW/OM however.

 

The WS has to work hard to EARN that forgiveness and rebuild the trust.

 

The OW/OM obviously has no reason or need to do so...so why would there be any forgiveness shown towards them?

 

This works both ways...nothing owed in either direction.

 

With that said...I've long since forgiven OM in my situation...as long as he remains out of our lives. I wish him well...I hope he finds happiness where ever he is...as long as it's not interfering with OUR happiness or that of anyone else.

 

I'd like to pose a question alongside that of the OP's...

 

Why shouldn't the BS villify the OW/OM?

 

Editted to add: Most of you know me well enough to know I don't villify the OW/OM. I'm posting this question to provoke some thought on the OP in this from another direction, not to call anyone out.

Edited September 20, 2010 by Owl

[Dexter Morgan]

why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP)

a target for contempt?

 

my guess would be that they still have to live with the WS if they decide to stay, and no attachment to the AP.

 

i always say that the anger towards the AP is justifiable from the BS, but the brundt of the anger needs to be with their cheating spouse. of course I actually wanted to take the OM in my old situation out for a beer because he did me a HUGE favor....and now he aint liking his life right now to her....and get this, because he thinks she is a cheater! LMFAO. What tipped him off? LOL.

 

Anyway, its easy for some BS, I would suppose, to be able to still be angry with the AP since they don't have to live with them.

 

Or maybe in some cases, the AP doesn't want to go away.

[someday]

I tell you, from my perspective, the OW in my situation knew that he was M’ed to me and entered into the R with him…while looking me in the eye and lying to me about the relationship. That’s why I hold her in contempt.

 

I choose to forgive him (not forget) for a lot of reason. She’s no place in my life so I’ve no need to (tell her that I) forgive her.

 

I can separate the various factors of this issue, now after years of reflection. My issue with his cheating is separate from my issue with her lying to me. I really don’t see why or how that is so hard to understand.

 

And yes, *she* could have been any chick who happened to be in the right place at the right time to “be there for him” when he and I were going thru our issues. Does that make me feel bad? No, the actual cheating is what hurt, not who he cheated with.

Edited September 20, 2010 by someday

[herenow]

why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP)

a target for contempt?

 

Because (as I hear so many times from so many OW), the OW isn't a part of the marriage.

 

Most BW on LS blame their spouses for cheating and soon after d-day, the OW became irrelevant. Usually the BW doesn't care enough about the OW to do what it takes to forgive her.

 

You should read more threads from BW's before making your observations.

Edited September 20, 2010 by herenow

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, here's my thought on this subject.

 

Many/most of the OW/OM that post here have made it clear that they don't care about the BS in their situation.

 

They believe that they never "made vows" to the BS, so they owe the BS nothing. No consideration, they hold no responsibility at all for the damage done to the BS.

 

If this is true...why on Earth would an OW/OM have any expectation that the BS wouldn't feel the same towards them?

 

A BS does have to find forgiveness for the WS if they want to give the marriage a chance to recover.

 

There's no such requirement towards the OW/OM however.

 

The WS has to work hard to EARN that forgiveness and rebuild the trust.

 

The OW/OM obviously has no reason or need to do so...so why would there be any forgiveness shown towards them?

 

This works both ways...nothing owed in either direction.

 

With that said...I've long since forgiven OM in my situation...as long as he remains out of our lives. I wish him well...I hope he finds happiness where ever he is...as long as it's not interfering with OUR happiness or that of anyone else.

 

I'd like to pose a question alongside that of the OP's...

 

Why shouldn't the BS villify the OW/OM?

 

Edited to add: Most of you know me well enough to know I don't villify the OW/OM. I'm posting this question to provoke some thought on the OP in this from another direction, not to call anyone out.

 

EXACTLY!! And if OW/OM have this view that they don't owe the BS jack crap, much less human decency, the why do they care what the BS thinks of them?

 

And if OW/OM has this view of the BS, like you said, why shouldn't they feel the way they do towards someone like that?

 

If someone felt they didn't owe me at least the courtesy of feeling bad for that which they are helping to cause, that isn't someone that deserves pleasantries from me.

 

but in my case, I didn't feel the need to direct anger at the OM...maybe initially, but in the end, I felt sorry for him. and I think he is now feeling sorry for himself.

[Owl]

why do some BS forgive the WS completely but still finds the AP (any AP)

a target for contempt?

 

I've given this a bit more thought, and Herenow is right.

 

You need to go back and do a bit more research on this site.

 

I've been here a long time (relatively speaking).

 

I'd point out to you that (from my experience here) those that "find the AP (any AP) a target for contempt" are nearly all BS's who never forgave their WS completely.

 

You'll find that the few BS's around here who DID forgive their WS and recover their marriage don't normally view the "AP (any AP)" with contempt. On the contrary, I've spent as much time posting advice to OW/OM as I have BS's.

 

Double check your data, my friend. Read some more backstories, spend some time actually listening without jumping to conclusions or assuming you know the answers before you post.

[Dexter Morgan]

With all due respect those that live in glass houses should not throw stones.

 

then why do you have a pile of stones?

[angie2443]

I agree. It feels like all her questions are set up questions. Not sure...but:confused:

 

It's very possible that she (he?) is a college student in a writing class and wants to write a tragic story about an open-minded OW who was jilted by her poor misunderstood MM when his evil BW found out about the affair. It could also be a stay at home mom who needs to make extra money and wants to write articles about affairs and sale them to whoever. My last guess is the bohogirl is a bored highschool kid just trying to stir something up.

[OWoman]

You'll find that the few BS's around here who DID forgive their WS and recover their marriage don't normally view the "AP (any AP)" with contempt. On the contrary, I've spent as much time posting advice to OW/OM as I have BS's.

 

This is true. There are a number of fBSs here who have reconciled (or moved on in some other way) who have reached a level of peace and maturity that allows them to post with empathy to anyone - BS, AP or WS. (Which is not to say that they endorse As, or affirm the behaviour - they are supportive of the person, not necessarily approving of their choices.)

 

(Of course there are others who are not in this space, but assuming everybody to be one thing or another is not helpful.)

 

(And today is my day for brackets.)