Denial of abuse after a break-up / guilt for thinking it

[Eclipse11]

Hi everyone

 

I'm still perplexed and wondering, was my relationship bad / abusive because I felt so bad most of the time I was in it...

I did think so - but now something has set me back - my ex-boyfriend has deleted me, out of the blue, as a friend on facebook and now I'm back to feeling guilty and thinking everything must have been my fault and feeling like a bad person

 

The thing is, so much of the time I was with him I felt disconnected, worthless and small and all I remember bad ( since this deletion it's all gone out of my head, I've been crying for ages ) is that I often had the feeling I had done something wrong...

 

And one day I would love him so much and then it seemed, that something would always go wrong and I would feel hurt again

 

I felt like he didn't love me that much, he would say with words that he did all the time, but by his actions it seemed as if he didn't and he was often disappointed in me and didn't see me as special

 

Sorry this is vague...I can't make any logical sense, he would act so sweet and loving sometimes and then something would go wrong and he would be angry or annoyed - I'm constantly worried though that all this is just me being mean and blaming myself

 

And now I feel very bad about him deleting me...I feel guilty once again like I must have been terrible to be with...nothing's making sense, I just don't know, if he wasn't abusive / controlling, why I would feel with him as if he was my enemy some of the time and he hated me

 

I'm not usually like this with people - please help

 

Since the deletion I've got this horrible feeling I used to get, that I should have loved him more though I had been moving on well before this and I feel like writing to him or getting in touch with him again, though I've been happier since the break-up

 

I loved him but I never felt happy or that comfortable for some reason - you can see other threads in this section

But when I was in it I could see how bad it was...now for some reason I can't seem to remember it - only reading old threads helps

 

Can't stop crying - I don't know why

 

Eclipse x

Edited September 18, 2010 by Eclipse11

[sugarmomma]

Mourning a relationship where you were treated horribly is like mourning the loss of trash. You should probably write down all the reasons why things didn't work and the things in his character that you didn't like.

 

Him deleted you off fb is more about your ego than anything else. as humans, we don't like rejection and take it personal even if it comes from a complete stranger.

 

Hang in there and cry all you need to. Crying is healing for your soul. You will meet someone new that you can make new/loving memories with.

 

Stay strong.

[Angel1111]

Read the book that I constantly recommend to people in this situation. It's by Lundy Bancroft, entitled 'Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men)' It will answer all these questions that you have in your head, and many more. The man who wrote the book has experience with literally thousands of men who abuse. His insight is second to no one.

 

The thing is, abusers understand the psyche of human beings all too well and they know how to play on them. Your ex has played you every second you were together and he played you again when he deleted you. Even those good times that the two of you had were part of the abuse. Their minds and actions are far more frightening than you'll ever know. What's the purpose in the manipulation? It's the felling of power they get from controlling another person. They will not give it up for any reason. This is why you have good and bad times. They know that a person won't stick around if it's all bad, so they throw in the calm days, the happy times, and then blindside you with a sudden burst of inexplicable anger - and that dark cloud hangs around and tortures your soul for days. And then the cycle continues. But they LOVE this feeling. He loves making you feel small, he loves hurting you, he loves the control. To put it simply, he is sub-human. What you perceive as love and what he perceives as love are two completely different things. In his book, it's not about what he does or does not feel for you. The need for power trumps all else.

 

Please, do not ever blame yourself or think silly things like you didn't love him enough. He wants you to think that way. He wants you to believe it's all your fault. And women are such willing victims when it comes to blaming themselves. Please get yourself in a place where you fully understand what he's really about and please, please, please do not EVER let him back into your life in any way, shape or form. Do not speak to him, do not meet up with him, do not communicate with him in any way. Think of him as poison - because that's exactly what he is. He is brain poison. He is soul poison. What you're feeling right now is not how love is supposed to feel. What you felt when you were with him is not what love was supposd to feel like.

 

Please don't shed another tear over this jerk. I absolutely, 100% abhore abusers. They should all be lined up against a wall, as far as I'm concerned. Someday you're going to wonder what on earth made you ever want this person. I promise. Please help yourself get to that point.

Edited September 19, 2010 by Angel1111

[Eclipse11]

Thank you so much both of you for understanding and I will read that book soon as possible...also, I think I will write a list of the negative things about our relationship, otherwise I feel like I'll be blinded by only thinking about the good

 

One thing that is getting to me is this: some people are saying it's natural and normal for an ex to delete somebody off facebook because it's hurtful to see them feeling better and okay

 

Before this happened I had posted about how, after a month, I was feeling brighter because I had started to go to the gym again ( I broke it off a month ago ) and also, I had said I liked a link of his, we had no contact before that for three weeks

 

Yet, to me, in light of our relationship and how it was, it seems yet another deliberate malicious act done to hurt me - hence no note or explanation - and it's just reminded me of how it was before, though I'm actually feeling better today

 

It was as if he couldn't bear the fact that I might be happy without him

 

Other people don't see it as too bad, they think he did it out of justified anger / hurt but I just think it was done to get at me...I mean, he could have written a short message saying why...

 

Anyhow I am seeing it positively now since I can post whatever I like about guys, having fun, without worrying that it will hurt him now so I guess I can have a lot more fun on there anyway

[Eclipse11]

Thank you so much both of you for understanding and I will read that book soon as possible...also, I think I will write a list of the negative things about our relationship, otherwise I feel like I'll be blinded by only thinking about the good

 

One thing that is getting to me is this: some people are saying it's natural and normal for an ex to delete somebody off facebook because it's hurtful to see them feeling better and okay

 

Before this happened I had posted about how, after a month, I was feeling brighter because I had started to go to the gym again ( I broke it off a month ago ) but I had mentioned no men on my page or anything and I wasn't even on it that often and also, I had said I liked a link of his ( the night before he deleted me, it was a slip-up in no contact ), we had no contact before that for three weeks

 

Yet, to me, in light of our relationship and how it was, it seems yet another deliberate malicious act done to hurt me ( the timing too, the fact it happened after I posted on his page ) - hence no note or explanation - and it's just reminded me of how it was before, though I'm actually feeling better today

 

It was as if he couldn't bear the fact that I might be happy without him and also was waiting until I established a form of contact, to then delete me and do something hurtful to me

 

Other people don't see it as too bad, they think he did it out of justified anger / hurt but I just think it was done to get at me...I mean, he could have written a short message saying why...

 

And when it happened I blamed myself and all my old feelings of guilt came back that usually made me go running back to him to try and make things "better"

 

Today I remembered as well, that he was always extra nice to me when he feared losing me and that made me feel better too - other times he would take me more for granted - and I could never speak my mind with him without feeling as if I'd committed a capital crime

 

He would always do little things that seemed designed to hurt me, things I had told him had hurt me before - for example, bringing up one girl whom he was always talking about - he knew this got to me and he would always bring up her name when he was annoyed with me - and I started to think, he can't be doing this on purpose, why would he, I must be mad...

 

To me, the deletion seemed like another swipe but I'm just glad I haven't done anything or reacted to it - I broke up with him once before too and the last time, he added loads of girls on to his facebook page and said how great he was doing, so that I phoned him up hurt and crying - just glad I'm feeling stronger this time around

 

It was also helpful to read that it takes an average of seven times to leave somebody abusive / manipulative because I also received some criticism about leaving him twice around

 

Anyhow I am seeing it positively now since I can post whatever I like about guys, having fun, without worrying that it will hurt him now so I guess I can have a lot more fun on there anyway

Edited September 19, 2010 by Eclipse11

[t1nkerbell]

I have been in a similar situation to you, counselling has helped me a great deal in accepting this was not my fault, maybe its an avenue you could think about. Him deleting you has done you a huge favour in your healing process, you need to mourn your relationship so do shout and cry. No person has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. you say you have been happier since the break up and want to write to him, well you can write a letter writting down all your feelings and emotions, getting it all out your system, then either burn it or bury it, making it a concious decision to close that chapter in your life.

[Eclipse11]

Thank you T1nkerbell...now I'm feeling positively happy about the deletion, it feels nice to be able to post what I like without worrying about what he thinks, to relax on there...and it feels like I'm closing the chapter

 

I can't afford counselling at the moment but I'm reading a handy book called "women who love too much"

 

I don't think people who have not been emotionally abused can ever understand it and we are often not quite believed when we try to tell people or explain, sometimes we doubt it ourselves - I guess, because it is so subtle that even we doubt ourselves and think we are going crazy

[Angel1111]

It's hard for the people who are in these relationships to comprehend what's going on, so it's not a real stretch to realize that most people who aren't in those relationships can't understand them. I also learned that a lot of therapists don't really understand abusive relationships either. The reason you have trouble believing your own feelings about the situation is because these guys slowly escalate the behavior until one day you realize that something's not right, and then you realize that something is REALLY not right. It's like thowing a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly rasing the temperature until he's boiled to death. And he never saw it coming. This is exactly how abusive men operate.

 

Your best rule of thumb always is to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If they're telling you that he's deliberately being mean, then you're right. If they're telling you to run for the hills, they're right. Do not ignore your instincts.

 

The problem with the facebook issue is that you're probably angry with yourself on some level because you should've removed him from it the moment you broke up with him. There is no in-between with these guys - you have to completely extract them from your life or they will continue to crush you. Which is exactly what you allowed him to do by not being pre-emptive. Now his actions have resurrected all that pain and, worse, those feelings of helplessness, of being a victim.

 

Do not ever make the mistake of underestimating the amount of evil that lives inside this guy. No matter what a nice smile he wears, he is pure evil. I wasn't kidding when I said that they are sub-human, that they should all be lined up against a wall. I have no mercy for them because they fully disgust me. Write down all the bad stuff if it helps you but there needs to come a point where you drop all of this and stop giving it energy and attention.

[Eclipse11]

Thank you Angel111...I felt myself getting sucked back in, he wrote me an email afterwards explaining why he deleted me and saying it was not to be nasty, I wrote one back

 

But I felt better before when we were not in contact so will stop writing - I'm remembering how my instincts all said NO about being with him - thanks

[Angel1111]

Thank you Angel111...I felt myself getting sucked back in, he wrote me an email afterwards explaining why he deleted me and saying it was not to be nasty, I wrote one back

 

But I felt better before when we were not in contact so will stop writing - I'm remembering how my instincts all said NO about being with him - thanks

 

Yes, please stop communicating with him completely. That includes not responding to him when he tries to communicate with you. It doesn't matter why he deleted you on fb, it doesn't matter about his little 'nice act' when he sent you that message on fb. It doesn't matter. If you ever respond to him about anything again, it should simply be, "please do not ever contact me again."

 

Just remember that every action, every form of contact from him is designed to manipulate you in some small way. You don't think like him so it's very hard to imagine this but please don't let yourself forget it. Because as soon as you do, you've underestimated him. Every time you open that door, you're inviting him to manipulate. And don't be surprised if he contacts you again in some way. Again, if you want to fully get past this, treat him like poison and keep him completely out of your life, in every way.

[Eclipse11]

Yes Angel, every action is a manipulation...I've already discovered that! Since this has happened, now, I discovered when I came home, his nine year old son is suddenly mysteriously "friends" on facebook with a girl who tried to break us up and hardly knows him ( he is a friend of mine, that's how I know )...nobody else is speaking to her but obviously he still worships the ground she walks on - I am sick of the manipulation

 

He would always bring up this girl's name when we argued, deliberately because he knew it hurt me

 

Every time I get back in touch with him I feel worse - it's no contact now for sure - there was always something that hurt me and here is another one

 

Everything is a nice act with him - when I saw it I just though, screw you...there is always something! F****** typical, I am just furious right now

 

Thanks Angel

Edited September 22, 2010 by Eclipse11

[Angel1111]

I think I'm confused. Are you saying that your ex's son is a friend of yours on fb? If that's true, then this may be a tough one, but I think you need to delete the son from fb. This still leaves a door open for your ex to login as his son and see everything you're doing. Even though the son may think his password is safe, that's not always true. My son thought that, too, but I always knew his password. Plus, people are notorious for leaving their fb window open on their computers and walking away. Nothing would stop your ex from seeing it.

 

Just knowing that your ex has some kind of potential access to you on fb is going to screw with your head a lot. If you're really close to your ex's son, then let him know that you just can't keep him on fb right now because of his dad, but that if he wants to talk to you, he can email you. If he understands what his dad is like, then he'll understand your reasoning on this. If you're not that close to the son, then I say cut all ties with him. Also, make sure that 'friends of friends' on fb can't see your wall, photos, or anything else.

Edited September 23, 2010 by Angel1111

[tornandmarried]

yeah the myspace/facebook things is pure evil....my stbxw deleted me and sent friend requests 3 times in the past 4 months...i just got a request about an hour ago and she asked me to call her after 3 weeks NC...it felt good to talk to her and see if were ok, but now i feel stupid for breaking NC, back to day 1....its very benifical tho, when i feel like shes disrespecting me i ignore her, give her a few weeks to think about what she did and she comes back sweet as pie....wish i went no contact from the begining tho, low and behold we GOT MARRIED in the middle of a break up, not cool at all...didnt change a thing, just made it worse....so stay away for a while, few years at least, untill the air clears and u can look back and laugh about everything...im not one to turn my back on somone but theres a time for everything

[Eclipse11]

Thanks Angel111 the crazy thing is, his son lives miles away in another part ofthe country with his mum, he hardly knows this girl

The weird thing is, I heard it was likely that he requested her as a friend, but I thought WHY - did his dad suggest it to him to get at me? I couldn't help wondering because it was just too weird

I may just defriend both of them with a note to explain to the son

 

Hey tornandmarried they sure are a nightmare...specially when they are used as manipulative tools and weapons and the wrong people start to use them

The funny thing is, when we broke up, my ex brought up marriage to me too and the timing and the reason was all messed up, same as with you

 

I'd certainly like to stay away now for a while! Thanks so much to you both

[tornandmarried]

yeah were kinda in the same boat...hard loving someone wondering if its abusive or true love or wtf

[Angel1111]

yeah were kinda in the same boat...hard loving someone wondering if its abusive or true love or wtf

 

If he makes you wonder those things, I think it's safe to rule out 'true love'.

[tornandmarried]

If he makes you wonder those things, I think it's safe to rule out 'true love'.

 

 

very true....if theres doubts like this your better off without them.....the hard part is remembering how good it used to be...and struggling with how it is now

[Angel1111]

very true....if theres doubts like this your better off without them.....the hard part is remembering how good it used to be...and struggling with how it is now

 

Hon, if you're on a relationship internet site in the abuse section, the good times and 'how things used to be' aren't relevant. This is exactly how abusers work - they create the memories and then blindside you with the horror. You can spend your life wishing for a repeat of those good times, and you might even catch glimpses of them every now and then, but the bottom line is that there is only one way to stop the abuse - leave. It truly is a no-win situation.

[Eclipse11]

It makes you completely and utterly confused...ever since we were back in touch recently all the old feelings of guilt have come back - when people ask me why we broke up I don't really know what to say, even I can't always explain it and if I ever say he did anything bad, I then instantly feel guilty like I don't have a right to feel it or think it - and so it looks like it's my fault to other people

 

I feel like nobody would believe me that much if I said, he actually did things on purpose to hurt me and I feel so bad for thinking it and knowing it - I don't understand this, it's like I've been trained or something

 

But another thing is, I'm sure I did the right thing because I've had such a sense of freedom and exhilaration since we broke up, I feel like I can really be myself and my friends and family are happy they're seeing me enjoying myself again

 

He would always make me feel guilty for things when I was with him, such as not visiting a female friend of his enough who was in hospital - she's my sister's friend and his friend but I hardly knew her and he made me feel so bad for not going

 

So I just end up telling them that he was okay - can anyone identify with this

 

And yeah I know what you mean about the good times...and I'd just remember things he'd say like "I'll always love you, I'll treat you right" and that makes me sad I left - the confusion never stops

Edited September 26, 2010 by Eclipse11

[Angel1111]

I always say that whenever a person feels confused at any time in a relationship, it's a dead give-away that your partner's actions are not matching their words. It's not always a sign of absuse, but it does always mean that they're saying one thing, but doing another. Hence the confusion.

 

One thing that would be good for you to make peace with is that you don't ever have to answer for why you left this guy. You're an adult and that means that you don't answer to anyone. (If you have an employer, yes, you answer to them about things that pertain to your job - but you know what I mean.) You CAN answer people if you want to, but it's not required. And aside from that, most people will assume that when you give a vague answer, you either don't care to answer them, or that you're not interested in talking about it. Most people understand this. They understand that it's often difficult to talk about a bad relationship, or a relationship that ended. Just don't ever forget that that is your priviledge to give them an answer or not. If you do answer, most of the time all you need to say is something like 'he was verbally and mentally abusive' or 'I really don't like to talk about it'. Simple.

 

The only way your ex could make you feel guilty about something is if you gave him the power to do that. Now, those aren't just a bunch of cliche words - that sentence actually has real meaning. Please don't ever give that power over to anyone else ever again. The problem with abusers is that they don't want their spouse to have an independent mind. It makes them nuts because it's a reminder to them that you can at any time rebel and leave.

 

Maybe there was a part of you that agreed with your ex about that situation, or you were uncertain about what you should do. On the other hand, maybe you're just not certain of your own values or reasoning and are too willing to agree that the way someone else thinks is automatically better than the way you think. Just take this extreme relationship as a lesson for yourself -- that if you don't have a strong sense of self-esteem, or confidence, or love of yourself, then people like this will find their way into your life. Stop giving energy to thinking about how bad you feel as to how you let him treat you, how you reacted, how others may view things. Stop giving energy to those things and, instead, learn from the experience in terms of making sure that your love for yourself will never allow this kind of thing to happen again. Pick someone that you admire a great deal - male or female - and ask yourself what you admire so much about them. And then begin immulate those things for yourself.

 

What you describe that abusers do IS a form of brainwashing. Like I said, be sure to get that book I mentioned and it'll answer a LOT of questions. One of the examples the author gives is what's called the Helsinky Syndrome. It's based on a bank robbery that happened years ago - I believe in Helsinky, Switzerland - where a lot of people were held hostage for several days (I'm not positive about my facts - you can google it if you want). At the end of the whole thing, it became apparent that the hostages began to sympathise with the bank robbers, and even began to defend them. This is the whole theory behind why people stay with abusers; it's a type of survival instinct. So you're right about what you say, along with the way humans can behave in traumatic situations.

 

Just congratulate yourself for having gotten out of this relationship, and be kind to yourself when you think of this situation. These relationships aren't easy to extract yourself from, and they're not easy to get past.

Edited September 26, 2010 by Angel1111

[reknown29]

Was this guy aware of that he was upsetting you? If so, how aware was he? I find that a lot of times this is a communication problem.

 

Sometimes when you're with someone you become hypersensitive to every action. With my ex I used to show her the correct way to do something (like operate a camera, use a prgram etc.). I was only trying to help her but because of my tone of voice or something she later started saying that I was abusive to her during these times. This is after she broke up with me and broke my heart. I was very much in love with this person and she didnt believe it during the relationship. I'm finding now that this is a result of low self esteem... We are just getting to agreement, after two months of being apart and meeting up about once every two weeks for lunch, that this was all a communication problem. Listen to the other side, I think this will help. Also, dont get into the blame game. Its very easy to do. It may be necessary for you to get angry with him (the anger phase of the breakup) but realize that it is based entirely on emeotion and not necessarily truth. Not saying that this is the case, just throwing it out there and giving another perspective to all this. Look into it being a communication problem.

 

Maybe he was abusive? Maybe we should focus on what he actually did here? There also is a difference bewtween playing the game of love to hold onto someone and being physically or mentally abusive.

[hoping2heal]

Eclipse, your relationship was clearly VERY unhealthy. A relationship should bring comfort, peace, and a sense of security. That person should make you feel good, good about yourself, happy and happy to be around them, spend time with them, etc. That doesn't mean people do not fight, sure they do. However, an overall sense of anxiety and always worrying, no that is not the sign of a good, healthy relationship and I do hope you get some help to understand the difference. I would not want to see you get into another relationship that is self destructive to you.

[Cuccoon]

 

I watch this everytime I start thinking I'm to blame or it's all my fault. BEcause it's not, and our feelings are telling us so.

[Eclipse11]

Thank you Cuccoon ( and to all of you who gave me advice here ) - just so surprised, the things in that video were true!

He did always want things to be done his way, when I wanted things another way he wouldn't like it

Also, really, he did try to take over every aspect of my life, believed he knew what was best for me better than me etc. and I felt like I had no identity with him at all

Something to think about - I have just broken up with him again after getting back together with him briefly and this time I'm feeling much more strong than the other times - and I have to say, he is being okay about it, he seems fine, nothing terrible has happened yet

Sometimes I feel proud for leaving, other times I just feel sad - thanks again x

Edited November 29, 2010 by Eclipse11