Time spent together subsequent to one party relocating

[Els]

Hey guys,

 

I realize this isn't an LDR problem per se, but I'm posting it here because firstly, you guys know and understand me best in this board, and secondly, it's an issue that stems from changing from an LDR to ITR.

 

Assuming one party relocates to another country to be with the other, how much time should they spend together?

 

I understand that in most relationships, a good rule is for each person to maintain their own life and have some personal space. To give each other some time to miss you. It totally makes sense to me.

 

However, when one party relocates to be with the other, that person basically DOESN'T really have their own life anymore. They have to start from scratch. It may take a very long time before they get their own circle of friends, etc, again. Then what happens?

 

I had trouble with the bf the other day. He basically said he was miserable having to shuttle back and forth from his place to mine on days when I wasn't shuttling to his. He said he would be a lot happier if he could just stay at home and have some time to himself and his hobbies on some nights. It's true that he has had to forgo them most of the time because he works 8-5, then takes a bus to my place, we eat/watch TV/have sex, and he takes a bus back at night. He also hates my place for a certain eccentric reason (I have my own eccentricities, so I'm not going to crucify him for his).

 

I shuttle over to his place equally often but I don't complain about it. Then again, I do have a lot more free time than he does. I have enough time to enjoy my personal hobbies as well as to be with him.

 

The thing is, I would have been fine with the 'don't see each other some days' if we had both been attending the same university here or something. In this case, though, the sole reason I am here is because of him. Granted, I love the place, it is beautiful, but that doesn't change the fact that I came here for him. Then wtf am I here for, on days when I'm not seeing him when he's off work?

 

His rationale is that both of us have paid a price for me to be here. I have left behind my country, and he is sponsoring my stay. That doesn't mean that we have to be with each other all the time.

 

I'm accepting it, because in normal relationships it really does make sense for couples to spend some time alone. The problem is that in normal relationships, one person doesn't move halfway across the globe for the other.

[Pyro]

As far as paying a price, you have paid a HECK of alot more to be there with him. You gave up your entire life back home. He still has access to his friends, family, favorite restaurants, favorite hangouts, etc.

 

You have to start from scratch and he needs to be patient and understanding with you. Yes time apart is healthy and that must be maintained.

 

He should help you socialize and adapt to a new country and new culture.

[carvidep]

I went through a similar situation when I stayed in my SO's city for two months. It really was as normal and simple as any other couple needing occasional time apart from each other.

 

I had gone there primarily to visit him, but I had also decided to do it for me while exploring a new career option. But in all honesty, that really didn't change the fact that I was there for him (especially with my fear of working under the table haha).

 

I remember feeling sad when he said he wanted to go to a LAN party instead of hang out and cuddle with me one night. But when he went it was kind of nice to spend some time by myself. I watched a Disney movie that night.

 

We could tell when we were starting to spend too much time together, because we would start to bicker about the dumbest things and we'd both get pretty worked up about it.

 

I searched on the internet for events to attend or conversation groups to join. There was a weekly meeting that people from all over the world attend at a bar that gets PACKED every time! I met some great people there, had a fun girls' night out on the town, and I'm still in touch with one of them now.

 

Try looking things up online, or walk around where you're living and see if there are any events or concerts posted on public bulletin boards.

 

Would your SO be comfortable with you spending time with his friends without him on occasion? Do any of his guy friends have girlfriends?

 

Another option would be to google "couchsurfing" and click on the main web site. There you can search for people in your area to meet up with for coffee or a drink. I've met some cool people through that, and I'm already in touch with a couple of girls in the new city I'll be moving to in SO's country in a couple of weeks.

 

Also, I like Pyro's idea. Ask your SO to take you around town and show you what there is to do, what's cool and what's not, places to sit down and enjoy a good book in public, etc.

 

I hope this helps!! I remember it being a confusing time, but it got better once we figured out what worked for both of us.

Edited September 19, 2010 by carvidep

[Els]

He has been introducing me to his friends, yes. No way to hang out with them without him cause they live with him, though. So I see them each time I go over to his place anyway.

 

I guess it's normal for people to spend time apart even after relocation? It's probably something I have to get used to, then. I do see him nearly everyday, although sometimes only for an hour or two out of the whole day I have free. He left a few hours ago to go back to his place and I already miss him.

[Rollercoasterr]

There's not a day that goes by since Mathew got here that we've been apart from each other. Of course we have to see each other at some point in the day since we're married and share the same bed, but even before that. He is my absolute best friend and there's no one that I would rather hang out with than him. Before we were an "us" he was still my BFForeverrrrrr(lol) and we would mostly pick the other over other friends. I know it sounds really weird and a lot of people dont get it, but we really really love hanging out together and nothing is fun unless the other is involved. He's kind of like my partner in crime, the macaroni to my cheese, the peanut butter to my jelly.

 

That being said, I understand how some couples want space, but you've left your ENTIRE life back home to come and spend time with him. I mean one day, sure, I can see that, but him saying that he feels miserable going back and forth? Oh heavens, love his little heart. He's not the one that uprooted his life to move there for him when you could have stayed home. You left everything you know behind. I'm sorry, I know you love him and all but he's a little on the selfish side sometimes. Sure he's doing a great thing by sponsoring you, but there are times when I read your threads and posts where he sounds really really selfish and unappreciative.

[carvidep]

*HUGS!* No fun, I know. Here's a little more 3rd party brain storming for ya:

 

-Could you meet up with a friend or two of his elsewhere some time? Maybe if he has a meeting or goes out with different people or something.

 

-Try initiating the time apart yourself on occasion. This way you both have equal control over when you do or don't hang out.

 

-If you can't find something to do outside of your apartment, then take a girl day to pamper yourself.

 

-Just because you went over there primarily to be with him doesn't mean you can't turn it into being there for you, too.

 

-For right now just try to relax. Pop in a movie to watch in bed or do something else that you find relaxing. If it's still light out now you could take a walk, or a night time one if you feel that it's safe. You did say that it's really pretty there.

[Els]

Thanks for all the input, guys.

 

RC: To be fair, his country is undoubtedly a better place than the one I came from. Where we BOTH came from, actually - we met while still in our country before he left for NZ. Our homeland is a small third world country which discriminates against our race. I always knew I wanted to leave for my postgraduate studies... but yes I did choose NZ because of him, instead of any other country. And I did leave family and friends behind, although that would have happened regardless of where I'd chosen to go.

 

To be very fair, plenty of people in my homeland would have killed for the chance to have a 'free' holiday in NZ. But yes, I also do think he's overdramatizing the whole 'miserable' part.

 

Carvi: How much time do you guys spend together? Do you live together or separately? So sorry I forgot.

[Els]

*HUGS!* No fun, I know. Here's a little more 3rd party brain storming for ya:

 

-Could you meet up with a friend or two of his elsewhere some time? Maybe if he has a meeting or goes out with different people or something.

 

Nope. They're his coursemates. If they're free, he's free and either with me or at home with them. I think they'd find it really weird if I hung out with them without him, too.

 

-Try initiating the time apart yourself on occasion. This way you both have equal control over when you do or don't hang out.

 

I think this is a great idea. But I'm not sure I could do it. There's absolutely nothing I can do when he's not around, that I can't do during the entire day when he's at the hospital.

 

-If you can't find something to do outside of your apartment, then take a girl day to pamper yourself.

 

-Just because you went over there primarily to be with him doesn't mean you can't turn it into being there for you, too.

 

 

There's plenty of stuff to do outside during the day, actually. I love being out during the day - it's spring, the place is just BEAUTIFUL, I take long walks, hikes, etc. But the time I usually meet him is at night, after his work. Even if I don't see him then, there's nothing much to do except sit at home on my laptop. Nights are cold and transport is lacking, I hate bars and everywhere else is closed.

 

-For right now just try to relax. Pop in a movie to watch in bed or do something else that you find relaxing. If it's still light out now you could take a walk, or a night time one if you feel that it's safe. You did say that it's really pretty there.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm happy here even without factoring him in, I have stuff to do most of the day, and all that. But I was just wondering how other couples manage time apart with relocation factored in.

[carvidep]

There's not a day that goes by since Mathew got here that we've been apart from each other. Of course we have to see each other at some point in the day since we're married and share the same bed, but even before that. He is my absolute best friend and there's no one that I would rather hang out with than him. Before we were an "us" he was still my BFForeverrrrrr(lol) and we would mostly pick the other over other friends. I know it sounds really weird and a lot of people dont get it, but we really really love hanging out together and nothing is fun unless the other is involved. He's kind of like my partner in crime, the macaroni to my cheese, the peanut butter to my jelly.

 

That being said, I understand how some couples want space, but you've left your ENTIRE life back home to come and spend time with him. I mean one day, sure, I can see that, but him saying that he feels miserable going back and forth? Oh heavens, love his little heart. He's not the one that uprooted his life to move there for him when you could have stayed home. You left everything you know behind. I'm sorry, I know you love him and all but he's a little on the selfish side sometimes. Sure he's doing a great thing by sponsoring you, but there are times when I read your threads and posts where he sounds really really selfish and unappreciative.

 

lol Roller you're too cute! I don't think I'd want to see you and Matthew together in real life because my head might explode from all of the adorableness. *pop!*

 

I agree that Elswyth's SO sounds selfish in saying that he wants more space. But it's a life style change for him, too. That's why I figure that if you (Elswyth) occasionally tell him that you want to spend a day without him, it will help you get more comfortable in your new surroundings independently, as well as equally split the control that you both have over when you do or don't get together so it doesn't feel so one-sided.

 

You'll also end up having more things to talk about as a result. *yay!*

 

I'm only throwing out suggestions. I don't want you to feel pressured to act on them if you don't feel comfortable doing that. These are just things that worked for me.

[carvidep]

Carvi: How much time do you guys spend together? Do you live together or separately? So sorry I forgot.

 

I'm so glad you're enjoying your time there outside of being with him! I totally envy you by the way. I love hiking and the outdoors, but I live in a boring hilly suburb right now and I spend most of my time in the city haha.

 

The cold nights + lame transit definitely don't help I don't doubt that.

 

What about finding someone to join you on your walks/hikes during the day? Ooo! Or find volunteer opportunities during the day so you don't feel like you're just waiting around for him to get off work.

 

(I tried looking for volunteer work, but all of the good ones wanted working papers. boo!)

 

At the moment I am back at home so the SO and I have the giant puddle between us once again. When I leave in a couple of weeks to go back to my boy's country, I'll be living 4 hours away from him for 9 months. But when I was living in his city, we lived separately. There was a 7 minute walk between us, and he'd usually come over to me since he lives with his parents.

 

Now that I think about it, we would spend a good 5-7 hours together just about every day. So my situation wasn't quite like yours is. But I do think that some of the things that helped me could help you, too.

[Els]

Ohh, 7 minutes. We each have to take a 20-minute bus ride plus two 5-10 minute walks to get to each others' places. It certainly isn't fun to do so during cold nights.

 

I used to take the bus to suburbs near my city to explore them previously, before I went to his place more often. When I go, I usually can't do so because I typically want to leave for his place before 5pm so I can beat the cold night on the way IN at least.

 

P.S. I know it sounds funny talking about cold nights so much, but I spent the past 23 years of my life in a tropical country.

[carvidep]

Ohh, 7 minutes. We each have to take a 20-minute bus ride plus two 5-10 minute walks to get to each others' places. It certainly isn't fun to do so during cold nights.

 

I used to take the bus to suburbs near my city to explore them previously, before I went to his place more often. When I go, I usually can't do so because I typically want to leave for his place before 5pm so I can beat the cold night on the way IN at least.

 

P.S. I know it sounds funny talking about cold nights so much, but I spent the past 23 years of my life in a tropical country.

 

haha you're talking to a Minnesotan, born and frozen, but I seriously hate the cold with a passion so I hear ya there! (I blame it on having been born during the summer months)

 

uff 20 min walking plus 20 min on the bus plus the cold. That sounds exactly like my commute to classes when I was in college, and it was not fun at all. I can't think of any easy solution for that.

 

But dressing warmer can help! Wool is better than cotton for keeping the warmth in. I love my big giant wool coat. I'm so sad I won't need it where I'm going. And leather gloves are awesome, too. Then again I'm talking about sub-zero ferenheit weather. gah sorry I'm rambling.

 

-end-

[Els]

Plus around 5-10 min of waiting at the bus stop too!

 

Naw, the cold here is really around zero celcius or so, and now it's spring so the nights are around 3-5. We're just not used to it.

[aerogurl87]

Well if I uprooted my life to be with my SO then yes I would expect him to understand that we would be spending a significant time together and not apart, especially in those first few months. But then again my boyfriend and I are what most people would probably consider to be clingy. Every moment we can be together, we want to be together. He's my best friend and I'm his best friend. Even if we're doing two separate things we want to be at least in the same room together, haha.

 

Yes it's good to give each other space, but you gave up everything and I mean EVERYTHING for this guy. You can't just go across town to your friend's house to hang out or go to your family when you want time away from him because they're all back home in your country. And I understand the change in going from one climate to another also. My boyfriend lives up in Canada which is probably 5 times colder than where I currently live now. It's a big change and he's gotta realize that and let you settle in where you're at and realize that you're not going to be fine within a week of moving there.

[LittleTiger]

I'm with RC on this one I'm afraid, Elswyth. I think he's being very selfish and I suspect it may be because you guys are at slightly different places when it comes to your relationship.

 

Sure he's supporting you financially so he's committed, but that's not quite the same as the committment you've made by moving so far from home and he should respect that.

 

Everybody should have their own friends and their own interests, even when they are married or living with someone, that's a given as far as I'm concerned. However, the vast majority of time should be spent with your partner once the relationship has reached that level.

 

We all have such busy lives and spend a good deal of time away from our partners anyway because, usually, at least one, if not both, people are working in different places during the day. It is hard enough to find quality time together during evenings/weekends never mind going out and doing your own thing on your own or with other friends.

 

The fact that NZ is a beautiful country and other people you know might envy you etc is besides the point. It's how you feel that matters.

 

I do think he is being selfish Elswyth. Relocating is such a huge thing for anybody and he is not being very sympathetic to your situation. Ask him how he would feel if he'd relocated to somewhere he didn't know, or if you'd relocated together, at the same time, before he'd made other friends.

 

If he loves you and wants to be with you and you have moved across the world to be with him then his responsibilities to you run a little further than forking out money for your accommodation (or whatever). If he is genuinely concerned about your happiness he needs to forgot about 'alone time' until you have established a life for yourself in NZ. As far as I'm concerned he's being thoughtless and immature.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's normal and healthy to have some time apart in any relationship, even if living together full time, ie people have time apart when they're at work or doing hobbies or seeing their own friends. I think it's good to have some of your own friends as well as mutual friends.

It's never a good idea for your partner to be the be all and end all in your life.

I personally wouldn't feel able to give up my life and friends and move away, so I think it was a very brave thing for you to do and I hope you can build your life up there and be happy

 

 

 

 

He has been introducing me to his friends, yes. No way to hang out with them without him cause they live with him, though. So I see them each time I go over to his place anyway.

 

I guess it's normal for people to spend time apart even after relocation? It's probably something I have to get used to, then. I do see him nearly everyday, although sometimes only for an hour or two out of the whole day I have free. He left a few hours ago to go back to his place and I already miss him.

[Els]

I do think he is being selfish Elswyth. Relocating is such a huge thing for anybody and he is not being very sympathetic to your situation. Ask him how he would feel if he'd relocated to somewhere he didn't know, or if you'd relocated together, at the same time, before he'd made other friends.

 

 

The funny thing is that I did ask him that - and he said that even if HE were the one moving to be with me and leaving everything behind, he would STILL want some alone time! Also, he actually was willing to leave this city and his friends behind and relocate to a new city with me next year because it was the best place for me to do my postgrad. He applied for it - he just didn't get it. His alone time doesn't involve friends anyway - he really just wants time alone. He rarely goes out with friends without me, except occasionally for lunch during lunch break or something.

 

I guess if I were working 8-5 every day I might not feel so happy about the walk + bus ride to and fro from my place after. But I don't think I need 'alone time' as much as he, that's for sure.

[LittleTiger]

The funny thing is that I did ask him that - and he said that even if HE were the one moving to be with me and leaving everything behind, he would STILL want some alone time! Also, he actually was willing to leave this city and his friends behind and relocate to a new city with me next year because it was the best place for me to do my postgrad. He applied for it - he just didn't get it. His alone time doesn't involve friends anyway - he really just wants time alone. He rarely goes out with friends without me, except occasionally for lunch during lunch break or something.

 

I guess if I were working 8-5 every day I might not feel so happy about the walk + bus ride to and fro from my place after. But I don't think I need 'alone time' as much as he, that's for sure.

 

Right, that puts a slightly different slant on things.

 

This sounds more like a Greta Garbo 'I want to be alone' personality thing than anything else. Do I remember correctly that you spent some time together in a one room bedsit or something, a year or so ago, and it led to a few rows?

 

Even so, he is being a little selfish, knowing that you're alone and feeling lonely in a strange country.

 

I imagine it is tough 'going out' after a hard days work but presumably it's only once or twice a week and if he loves you, that doesn't seem like too big a sacrifice to me. At least until you have settled in a bit more.

 

I do think his need for 'alone time' may be something you need to discuss if you're eventually going to be together full time (which presumably you are as you've relocated?). This imbalance in personal needs is the sort of thing that leads to problems in relationships in the long term unless you address them early on.

 

By the way, are you having trouble sleeping? Your last post was at 4am NZ time!

[Els]

Yes I do indeed. I have this really bad habit of having my sleep time slide a little later each day - 15 minutes, 30 minutes... and before I know it I'm at 5am. ESPECIALLY if I don't really need to wake up early the next day. I planned to sleep at 3 today.

 

Yes, you remember correctly about the one-room thing. I'm really not sure what there is to discuss bar a compromise, though. I guess it's fair enough that he should sometimes be able to caveman away in aloneness when he wants to, as long as he still spends a reasonable amount of time with me.

 

Currently we see each other almost everyday, with me going to his place 4 days a week and him coming here 3.

[LittleTiger]

Yes I do indeed. I have this really bad habit of having my sleep time slide a little later each day - 15 minutes, 30 minutes... and before I know it I'm at 5am. ESPECIALLY if I don't really need to wake up early the next day. I planned to sleep at 3 today.

 

Ugh, I know what that's like! I do the same and it's so hard to discipline yourself once you get into a bad habit! It's made harder by wanting to stay up and talk on skype to my SO. If he didn't have to get on with his day I'd talk to him all night.

 

Yes, you remember correctly about the one-room thing. I'm really not sure what there is to discuss bar a compromise, though. I guess it's fair enough that he should sometimes be able to caveman away in aloneness when he wants to, as long as he still spends a reasonable amount of time with me.

 

Yes, a compromise is exactly it. You need to know how much 'caveman' time he wants and he needs to know how much you're prepared to tolerate and hopefully you can meet in the middle. When you're living together full time it's important to get that sorted up front.

 

Currently we see each other almost everyday, with me going to his place 4 days a week and him coming here 3.

 

Given your situation I think you should see each other most days but maybe you could be generous and give him one day off (one of his travelling days), while you pursue an outside interest, take a course or whatever. If you don't want to go out in the winter weather, make that one night your pamper night, as someone else suggested. Have a long soak in the bath with a good book, music, a sodoku puzzle etc and save the socialising until the weather warms up.

 

I can't remember exactly where you are but they're having raging storms on North Island at the moment. If it's like that where you are I don't blame either of you for not wanting to go out at night.

[HeavenOrHell]

I know a lot of friends who need quite a lot of alone time, and it's really nothing personal to anyone else at all, it's just the way they are, or maybe I should say 'we' are as I need quite a lot of alone time too.

I understand how you feel hun, but it sounds like nothing personal, which doesn't make it easier for you exactly but you know what I mean

 

The funny thing is that I did ask him that - and he said that even if HE were the one moving to be with me and leaving everything behind, he would STILL want some alone time! Also, he actually was willing to leave this city and his friends behind and relocate to a new city with me next year because it was the best place for me to do my postgrad. He applied for it - he just didn't get it. His alone time doesn't involve friends anyway - he really just wants time alone. He rarely goes out with friends without me, except occasionally for lunch during lunch break or something.

 

I guess if I were working 8-5 every day I might not feel so happy about the walk + bus ride to and fro from my place after. But I don't think I need 'alone time' as much as he, that's for sure.

[Els]

Ugh, I know what that's like! I do the same and it's so hard to discipline yourself once you get into a bad habit! It's made harder by wanting to stay up and talk on skype to my SO. If he didn't have to get on with his day I'd talk to him all night.

 

Oh, I used to be worse during our Skyping days.

 

 

 

Yes, a compromise is exactly it. You need to know how much 'caveman' time he wants and he needs to know how much you're prepared to tolerate and hopefully you can meet in the middle. When you're living together full time it's important to get that sorted up front.

 

The thing is, if we were living together, I think I wouldn't mind so much him doing his own stuff on some days - because we'd still see each other! I imagine he'd come back, we'd have dinner or something, and we could both just sit around doing our own thing. We sometimes do that nowadays even, and I certainly don't mind it. It's just that without living together, when someone does their own thing you don't even see them at all that day. And it takes so much effort for one to get to the other. That's what I hate.

 

 

 

Given your situation I think you should see each other most days but maybe you could be generous and give him one day off (one of his travelling days), while you pursue an outside interest, take a course or whatever. If you don't want to go out in the winter weather, make that one night your pamper night, as someone else suggested. Have a long soak in the bath with a good book, music, a sodoku puzzle etc and save the socialising until the weather warms up.

 

I can't remember exactly where you are but they're having raging storms on North Island at the moment. If it's like that where you are I don't blame either of you for not wanting to go out at night.

 

No storms on South Island but it's been really cold the past few days. I think a large part of the island snowed...

[Romance]

I will most likely be relocating next august to live near my boyfriend, but not with him. He will be the sole reason I am moving, I won't have any friends or anything there but I do not expect to see him every single day. Maybe 5/7 days of the week. I mean, I think it's a bit much to expect to be together everyday.

[Els]

Just got back from a nice walk + groceries + lunch at a favourite Vietnamese place with cheap lunch deals! I like how I can eat alone here without drawing stares, although it still isn't very common to see women eating alone.

 

I will most likely be relocating next august to live near my boyfriend, but not with him. He will be the sole reason I am moving, I won't have any friends or anything there but I do not expect to see him every single day. Maybe 5/7 days of the week. I mean, I think it's a bit much to expect to be together everyday.

 

Interesting point of view. Why, specifically, do you feel it's a bit much to see each other everyday?

 

Great to hear it, though, and I hope all goes well for your relocation.

[LittleTiger]

I will most likely be relocating next august to live near my boyfriend, but not with him. He will be the sole reason I am moving, I won't have any friends or anything there but I do not expect to see him every single day. Maybe 5/7 days of the week. I mean, I think it's a bit much to expect to be together everyday.

 

Again, I'm curious (not picking on you Romance), but your thinking is so different from mine, I have to ask the following:

 

How old are you?

How far are you moving?

What will you be doing when you move? New job? Course?

How come you won't be living together?

 

The reason I ask is because it suprises me why anybody would relocate (unless it's just to the next town or city perhaps) for the sole reason of being with their SO and not expect to see them every day.

 

To me, relocating suggests a serious commitment to the relationship ie a permanent commitment, which means living with your SO unless there's some reason why it's impossible eg college accommodation (as I think, if I remember correctly, is your situation Elswyth?).

 

I guess there are some people who continue lifelong committed relationships living separately from their partner, but its incredibly rare and if you're planning a family at some point fairly impractical.

 

If you just fancy a move to a new place for your own sake and you move to the same town 'to see how the relationship develops' that isn't for the sole reason of being with your SO, which is different altogether. Then I can understand not seeing each other every day.

 

It seems to me to be a matter of 'how far along' the relationship is in terms of permanent commitment and I suppose that does depends on age and where you are in your life in terms of priorities etc.

 

As you may know, my SO and I are in our mid-40s, and we're both very keen to start sharing our lives full time. When he relocates we'll be living together straight away. If there was any suggestion on either side that this wouldn't/shouldn't happen, that would be the end of the relationship.