Divorced Parenting Tips

[loveandrockets]

I am thinking strongly about divorce, but am concerned about my 8 year old child. Any tips for parenting successfully while divorced?

[fltc]

It shouldn't be a problem, try to keep the divorce as friendly as possible, remain friends with the ex because you still have a child to raise and make sure you communicate.

 

Do NOT let the kid tell you, "Mom/Dad said I could" w/o calling her/him and asking!

[worlybear]

I am thinking strongly about divorce, but am concerned about my 8 year old child. Any tips for parenting successfully while divorced?

Yes. Don't do it.

[KikiW]

I worked really hard to maintain a friendship with ex - not easy, but it can be done. Everytime I might have felt sorry for myself or angry at him, I would think of our daughter and how detrimental it would be if things got ugly because I was being selfish and petulant.

 

And as with fltc's advice - COMMUNICATE. Do not ever let the kid try and pull the "well mom said no, but I will try dad and see if I can get a different answer" - mine learned the hard way that s*** is going to come back and bite her in the butt.

[desertIslandCactus]

Yes. Don't do it.

 

If thinking about your child, the above post is correct.

 

Divorce is hard on children of all ages.

[KikiW]

Life is hard. Sometimes parents have to get divorced. If the reality is that your relationship with your spouse is doing more harm than good, don't do the "stay together for the children" thing - they will only grow up thinking that mommies and daddies don't talk to each other/yell at each other/are mad all the time/hit each other, or whatever they see is normal and are more likely seek future partners to fulfill that role.

 

I come from divorced parents, and it was hard on me, so I vowed never to put my child through it. Here I am embarking on a second marriage - because I realized my daughter was growing up with a shell of a mother and that's unfair. Now she has parents who respect each other and treat each other well, and "step" parents who bring out the best in her bio-parents.

 

It's not perfect, but we do the best we can while showing her that life can hold wonderful things for her. The ONLY thing she is upset about is that all four of us don't live in the same house. I'd say that is a successful divorce.

[2sure]

No matter what the other parent or members of their family say about you - which your child will repeat to you - do not participate by saying negative things about your ex.

 

Your child will eventually see that you are not letting problems with your ex interfere with your relationship with your child. It takes awhile, it can be frustrating to not really defend yourself....let your actions speak louder than anyone elses words, and it will be a good model for your child.

[In_Repair]

Make your child your number one priority, in all respects, at least until they fully adjust. Don't spoil them, just invest in them more. You have to be extra diligent at providing boundaries and structure, as well as the rewards and punishments based on how they deal with those boundaries. It's hard enough on a child even when they have two caring parents giving them guidance. As a single parent, you have some big shoes to fill.

 

All the kids are going to know is that their family, the only safety net they have ever known, is no longer... and who's fault is that? You and your spouse have to shoulder that one. Even if it means putting your own life on hold in order to give them the reassurance they need in order to deal with it in a positive manner, then, so be it.

[Clep]

I am thinking strongly about divorce, but am concerned about my 8 year old child. Any tips for parenting successfully while divorced?

 

I would think more strongly about not getting divorced. Your child will survive with divorced parents, but will never thrive the same as with two under the same roof.

 

Divorce always seems easier, but really think about it please. If you can't communicate and compromise effectively right now, what makes you think that will change while you are apart.

 

Unless you are being abused or cheated on, marriage vows are forever. Didn't you say "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health....etc". No where in there does it say "Until things get tough, then you get a divorce". If divorce isn't an option in either parties eyes, and both want a dynamic relationship and apply themselves, it can work.

 

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

[quankanne]

No matter what the other parent or members of their family say about you - which your child will repeat to you - do not participate by saying negative things about your ex.

 

whether you go through a divorce or manage to work things out, this holds true – respect your child to the point where you do NOT bad-mouthe his other parent to him, because you're showing that kid how to treat YOU. If dad's a jerk, the kid will figure it out himself quickly enough, but that should never, ever take away the love he's got for his dad ...

 

my sisters both got divorced about the same time from their first husbands, and they each dealt with it differently. One made it a point to tell her kids how much their daddy loved them, and how much she loved them, and refused to say anything negative about him. She figured they would grow up to figure out what kind of person he was all on their own. Happy to say, these boys are well-adjusted and fairly mature when it's come to love relationships.

 

other sister did the opposite, and her 30-something kids are STILL reeling from the effects of her bad-mouthing, to a point where it seriously affects their own marriages and families ...

[Tayla]

1: The child belongs to you both, that will not change.

2: Stay at arms length during any disagreement. You both have sides to reveal, do so in private.

3: Allow your child to see your true nature of coping. Be it crying, angry or whatever about the divorce. THey will learn great coping lessons on just how you manage your transistion to single parenthood. I soooo respected my Foster Dad when he got divorced...He cried, he yelled and he dern welll always stood up for all his kids during the horrid divorce. Its called being genuine. Being fake ..a kid will see thru..and not trust either of you.

4: Yes its okay for the kids to play sides...they do it whether the couple is married or divorced...its an opportunity to negotiate with them or set strict boundaries....divorce doesnt change that stepping stone they will need to go thru....My grandson does have different rules at his Dads house and I am dern glad that he does..He gets to experience certain things he cant at his militant Moms house. He can color at a table, Eat a snack and not feel that he will be chastised. His Mom isn't okay with it but guess what...she doesn't write a check out each month . The judge chastised her for trying to tell my son that he couldn't give his son a nutrient snack or color at a table. That is how manipulative some folks can be...

5: Your child is NOT a negotiating tool for any manipulative behavior or actions you have, not now...not ever.

[alexlakeman]

Don't use the child as a chess piece or as a negotiation token.

 

And remember this... "He who has the best attorney wins"!

[denise_xo]

I am thinking strongly about divorce, but am concerned about my 8 year old child. Any tips for parenting successfully while divorced?

 

My parents divorced when I was seven. I second the 'don't talk badly of ex in front of your child' advice. Also, don't attempt any 'reconciliation events for the child'. My parents at times thought they would spend Christmas or a holiday together to make me 'happy'. It was a usually a recipe for disaster (or at a minimum, for a very uncomfortable atmosphere). I know it works for some couples, but at least think it through very carefully first.

 

I don't know what your particular situation is, but overall I'm happy that my parents divorced as it was the better option also for me in the long run. I'm very skeptical to the 'staying together for the kids' mantra.