Afraid of being alone

[feeling silly]

I can't sleep at night.

I constantly think about calling the ex (not good), or this other man who is interested in me (but I'd only be using him). I'm still recovering from my separtation and I am terrified of being alone. Daytime isn't so bad, it's a night when the kids are sleeping and I don't know what to do with myself.

 

I find myself going from homework to the computer, to the tv, to the phone, to writing..........anything so I don't have to go to the bedroom and get that ugly "slap of reality" that I'm by myself. I've never really been alone like this before. I went from my mother's home (through which I'd dated people), then to a long-term relationship (my children's father). It's been a year since he left and during that time I shared my bed with "a rebound guy". Big mistake!

 

He's gone now though, I grabbed ahold of reality and figured it best for me and my children to be alone and go through this recovery without a man's presence. I don't even want to sleep in my bed, I'd rather sleep on the couch (maybe cuz there's only room for one). I guess I'm not really asking a question here. I just don't know how to deal with this foreign feeling. I'm trying to find "me".

 

Thanks in advance for any input.

[Durden]

I know how u feel, its horrible The nights are definetly the worst!! What I do is try and wear myself out during the day, so that i'm too tired to think when it comes to bedtime!! I've resisted the temptation to call my ex, so far!

[jmargel]

Hi Silly,

 

I have some ways to help you out, I was there myself. Its the worst feeling in the world. I'll write more tonight, I'm just about to leave work in a few minutes. Sounds like you are still going through the 5 stages of grief, I'll also explain that as well to you. I've kinda narrowed this thing down to a science so I hope I can help ya some. Just hang in there & look for another post from me tonight.

[feeling silly]

Sometimes I wonder if it was meant for me to be a single mom. If there's some outside force that influences our lives.......like fate.

To some it may sound silly I know, LOL, but that is my user name.

 

Does anyone here believe in that sort of thing? That there's some unique design already mapped out for us and we just kinda go along for the ride?

 

I didn't choose for my ex to have an affair, and I can't seem to force myself to forgive him, or take him back. I don't want to. Maybe it's meant to be this way, by spending this time alone, I will become a better/stronger person.

[Tony T]

Alone time is the best time you will ever have if you use it wisely to learn more about yourself. What you experience in life is created by you. You are the author of your reality, nobody else. You can do absolutely nothing about your present circumstances but you can introduce yourself to more fulfilling ones by the way you act and think.

 

By the sound of your posts, you are growing at a great rate. It's good that you are alone for a while. However, I must warn you that once you are healed you will be a much different person spiritually and you will not attract the same types of men...or people in general for that matter...that you once did. You are on a journey from which you cannot turn back.

 

Be the best mother you can to your children. Forget about men for now. Don't even meditate on them. Read, listen and meditate. Use this time for growing and learn that you control your destiny with your thoughts. Nothing but good will come of that.

 

It's painful for a sensitive person to get over relationships, no matter how difficult they may have been. You have a lot to heal from, not only your exs but childhood experiences as well. You have the right idea, though. Once you are past this you will be strong and you will delight in a new earthly experience tempered by more magic than you thought ever existed. You have nothing to look forward to but great things.

 

When you are alone, you are with yourself...your best friend. It's far better to be with yourself than in the presence of people who do not contribute positively to your experience on this planet.

 

Oh, to your question. Yes, you were meant to be a single mom...at least for now. Live in the present, enjoy that time, relish it because it never repeats itself. In times ahead, it is highly likely that you will find you were meant to be with a loving partner who will treasure you and your children and compliment you and the way you have chosen to live your life.

 

Use your time wisely....to become wise.

[reasontosigh]

...If there's some outside force that influences our lives.......like fate.....

 

Does anyone here believe in that sort of thing? That there's some unique design already mapped out for us and we just kinda go along for the ride?

 

I think there is, to some extent. I don't think, however, we blindly just "go along for the ride". A lot of folks (myself included) do speculate, and some even try to go against what they think that design might be. We just won't find out anytime soon what's on the road map of life for us, though..."it ain't over till it's over".

 

... by spending this time alone, I will become a better/stronger person.

 

You will! I have no reservations about this at all. It's good that you can see this for yourself.

[moimeme]

I feel as though there should be a couple of blank spaces to offer a pause to ponder on Tony's wonderful post...

 

 

OK. I'd like to address your questions:

 

Sometimes I wonder if it was meant for me to be a single mom. If there's some outside force that influences our lives.......like fate.

 

Does anyone here believe in that sort of thing? That there's some unique design already mapped out for us and we just kinda go along for the ride?

 

I'm of two minds on this. Sometimes I believe in a design; at others I think we tell ourselves this stuff to help rationalize what would otherwise seem to be a chaotic and uncertain existence.

 

However, I have had prayers answered, and great things have happened in my life that certainly appear to have been caused by synchronicity. Some of the gifts I have received in my life have been spaces in time to ponder life as Tony recommends. This last while has been one of those times, and I know I'm better for it. I have just, in fact, rethought my future again, and it looks deeper and broader to me than it previously has. I can't deny that I feel there is some design to what has happened to me. So I guess I'm back to believing in design

 

You now have the chance to give yourself the gift of yourself. Keep Tony's suggestions handy and follow them. You'll be glad you did.

[Bubbles]

You are stronger than you even know! If only you could sit back and read "yourself"

 

#1 You ended a relationship with a man that you love in the name of "Family Morals" - GOOD FOR YOU!!!

 

#2 You recognized that "another man" was not the answer - GOOD FOR YOU!

 

#3 You did not "give up" you wake every day and look after your children - GOOD FOR YOU!

 

#4 You are looking to set your life in the right direction by asking advice - GOOD FOR YOU!

 

I have been in exactly your shoes! You are going in the right direction beleive me and you will be even better when jmargel comes back on-line. He always has great advice!

 

My advice? Never stop seeking the "Right" direction to go in. Remember the children always. Take strength in their love......it is really as close to heaven and the angels that a human can get. A childs love is very powerful!

 

Bubbles

[Arabess]

You know what 'feeling silly'? I saw your pic on another post and thought you were a young teenage girl! LOL!

 

You are very attractive....and this is only ONE portion of your life. Live each day as it comes in anticipation of what tomorrow will bring your way. That sounds kinda corny.....but it's soooo true!

 

My life has taken so many turns, side-streets and twists.......if I had only known this at 21, I would have enjoyed my life so much more, rather than fretting over where it was going.

 

Being single isn't easy......but ahhh.....the FUN!

[jmargel]

Silly here are the five stages of grief I mentioned to you about. Death of a spouse or breakup of a marriage or long-term relationship can trigger similar responses in a person. Each person mourns a loss differently. However, there are 5 common stages of grief a person goes through when mourning the loss of a relationship. These were adapted from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, 'On Death and Dying'

 

You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes an event will trigger you to experience one of these stages again. For instance, cleaning out the basement and finding an old shirt of your deceased spouse or hearing your ex-partner is to remarry might cause reoccurrence of certain stages. The five stages of grief are:

 

1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage.

 

This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind.

 

2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.

 

Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain. You might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying. You may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family.

 

3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.

 

You try to negotiate to change the situation. If you’ve lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I’ll be a better person if you’d just bring him back". You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you’ll stay I’ll change".

 

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

 

You realize the situation isn’t going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.

 

5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.

 

Though you haven’t forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.

 

Its hard to go through these, I went through them myself. It does make you more wiser, but less trusting in the long run. What you need to understand that its not your fault what happened. Also people who are apart tend to 'forget' the bad things or romanicize a past partner. When you start thinking about the good times you had with him, force yourself to think of the bad things he's done to you. There is no time table when you might be able to heal again fully to have a new relationship. For me it took like three years, but it's been worth it in the end. And I know this sounds cliche, but time does help.

[feeling silly]

You know, I browsed these threads for about 10 days to kind of get a feel for the atmosphere. After much debate I decided to just throw my story out there.

 

I can't tell you all what a relief it is to have so many replies. This is all great advice. Maybe I'm just very emotional right now....but some of these posts have really hit home.

 

jmargel,

 

I went through denial which lasted a couple weeks, the moment I discovered the affair. Then anger right up until recently. I'd have to say now that I'm pretty sad, disapointed. I look at him now and I see what could have been. I look at my children and I feel their pain. I know this will pass and I'll grow to acceptance, but at the same time I've been witnessing my boys go through their stages (this brings back the anger).

 

Arabess, LOL, thanks. I get that all the time. Pushing 30 now, and still getting ID'd.

[mybastarddaughter]

a friend of mine is going through the same thing as you right now. She's divorcing,

 

adn she's seeing, her exboyfriend. Whom is a total DOG, Moron, Buttwipe, etc...

 

because she is so scared to be alone. Ive tried to tell her, it will be ok. You have

 

love and respect yourself, before you can love and respect another.

 

I was "alone" for almost, 3 years, at one time. I LIVED. And I am happier now,

 

for it!! I met the man of my DREAMS!! Just because I took my time. Self

 

reflection really works wonders!!! Good luck sweetie!

[jmargel]

You could also be in the depression stage. How often do you go out without the kids? Do you have any true enjoyment in any other activities? I noticed you said you went from the TV, to homework, to the phone, to writing, etc.. Seems like you haven't had an outlet for your pain.

 

Sounds like you have a big heart and you got it hurt bad. People like you are hard to come by in life. Once you feel ready for your next relationship, you might find yourself analyzing everything (I know I do that alot) and just wait for the worst to happen again. That's the biggest hurdle once you get past those stages. Now is the time to start focusing on yourself. Your kids will probably go through the samething that you are, they are probably very confused by it all. With kids you'll even be more guarded of your next relationship, its just a natural instinct.

 

Best thing I would suggest is to love your kids up, but to remember to not forget about yourself.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Tony

Alone time is the best time you will ever have if you use it wisely to learn more about yourself...

 

When you are alone, you are with yourself...your best friend. It's far better to be with yourself than in the presence of people who do not contribute positively to your experience on this planet.

 

That was beautifully said.

 

Feeling Silly - I think you are very strong and you'll be fine. I hope you have a good support system of friends and family?? When you feel that urge to call your ex or that other guy, can you call a friend instead? or pick up a book or watch some silly television show that will make you laugh. These are all just distractions but they can help keep you going until some of the pain and fear subsides.

[feeling silly]

Originally posted by jmargel

How often do you go out without the kids? Do you have any true enjoyment in any other activities? I noticed you said you went from the TV, to homework, to the phone, to writing, etc.. Seems like you haven't had an outlet for your pain.

 

We go to Boy Scouts on Wed nights, do our popcorn and disney thing on Fri. The boys' bedtimes are an hour apart so that gives me time to talk to them each privately, moments I cherish. My girl is 18 months so this doesn't have quite the same effect on her right now. My writing is my outlet. Other than that, I don't know how else to get it out. Talking helps.

 

 

I do have a wonderful support system, when I want it. It's ironic that I struggle so much in day to day life to be independent and yet, here I am. This is my time for self reflection.

[Bubbles]

See? and you are doing great! Beleive me you are in good shape!

 

Bubbles

[feeling silly]

Thanks,

 

You guys and gals are awsome. I came to the realization yesterday that when I have a partener (SO) I feel more confident. My goal is to feel that same confidence being single.

[Arabess]

There IS a validation involved in being a part of someone else. There is also a validation you can find in just being YOU.

 

Raising kids alone is HARD! There is a lot of anger associated with their pain, the times you have to be both a Dad and Mom, plus make all the decisions. I felt resentment when I was tossed into that situation, and still feel it 6 years later...... but not as often or as furious! LOL!

 

You DO get to a place where you find a peace within your new lifestyle. Many times I have to remind myself....I can do this...because I CAN!

 

I'm not even close to the ninny I was 6 years ago. She is unrecognizable to me. I'm a much better and stronger person today than I ever thought possible.

 

Hopefully, one day you'll look back with the same conclusion.

[FreeMe]

Feeling Silly,

 

You want to hear something funny? I'm much more confident WITHOUT a partner! I've spent years alone, put myself through school, worked full time midnights while I took full time courses, traveled, and lots of things. I felt confident and happy.

 

When I'm with someone, I find that when they question my actions (even if they do it constructively) I start doubting myself and have a hard time making decisions. I often think I'd be better off alone - that I was better off alone.

 

I just sat with my boyfriend 5 minutes ago trying to explain my mistake (before I met him) of running up some debt. What a pain in the a$$! When I was alone it affected me and me only and I felt fine with it. Now I feel like I've done something wrong and have terrible judgment.

 

There are lots of good things about being on your own.

[corp17]

Feeling Silly, you are a very beautiful woman. I am in the early stages of your situation, however my soon to be x does not have any desire to come back. But I do know your pain, I know the undescribable lump you felt in your chest when you found out about the cheating. It's only been 2 months, but I am still between the denial and acceptance stages. One minute I'll be content with the situation and realize how much better off I am, then the next minute I feel alone and yearn for the touch of my wife. We will get through this, and again, you are a very beautiful woman, keep your head high!

[feeling silly]

I can't seem to get a handle on this. It's so tempting to just call someone up and invite them over. A man I mean. The kids are gone for the weekend and I'm so confused about being here alone. I miss the affection and comfort, I want to go out and flirt, dance. Then again maybe I want to stay home and watch a movie. This is so hard for me. I don't understand why this is such a big deal. Okay, never mind, I do know why it's a big deal. I'm alone. I've had many invitations to go out this evening and I can't figure this out. I do know that if I leave this house tonight, I will not come home alone.

Someone talk to me.

[moimeme]

You are going to have to take control of this. You are uncomfortable with being alone so you want to 'escape'. Resist the urge to hide behind others. Tell yourself it's for your own good. Then make yourself a long list of interesting things you could be doing alone so you'll have it handy.

 

You do not just want to bring men home to your bed (especially if you're somebody's mother) just to have a man there. It won't feel good. It's like eating cheap greasy food just to eat something - the indigestion after really isn't worth it.

[feeling silly]

Originally posted by moimeme

You do not just want to bring men home to your bed (especially if you're somebody's mother) just to have a man there

 

Thanks, I already knew this. Fighting with my deamons I suppose. I won another battle though lastnight. Watched a chick flick and did some homework. I am proud of myself.

[Arabess]

Why didn't you go out and just have a good time?

 

If nothing else, join a freebee date site, get you some wine...and have some conversation without them being 'too close up'. Enjoy yourself.

[feeling silly]

Originally posted by Arabess

Why didn't you go out and just have a good time?

 

If nothing else, join a freebee date site, get you some wine...and have some conversation without them being 'too close up'. Enjoy yourself.

 

LOL, I did have a good time with some girlfriends that I haven't seen in a while. It was nice, we bashed men for a while and soaked up a movie.

 

BTW, do you have any suggestions for these "freebee date sites"? Sorry about the wine but I'm a beer girl.