What the hell is going on with him?

[Natalie]

My boyfriend gets very upset for stupid little reasons. Almost every weekend we get into an argument....also on Valentine's day. It went that far that I got tired of the situation and made up my mind to move out and move on. Here's what's going on and this is just an example for the reasons who would be upset about. This happened yesterday when he came to pick me up from my classes. I was waiting for him inside the school when he called me up on my cell phone. He said to come out cause he was already there. I immidiately packed my belongings and went off a couple of stairs and got outside when I realized I didn't see his car anywhere. So I walked a couple of feet away from my school entrance to see whether his car was parked next to a van. It wasn't. Then I went the other way and I saw him coming down the street when the light turned green. I got in the car and next thing I was bombarded with questions like: Where were you? I said I was inside the school. He said that I wasn't, because he saw me coming from the other side. I said: "no, I was in school and why I was on the other side was because I came down and I didn't see your car anywhere and I thought that your car was probably parked next to the van." He said: "No, you weren't, you lied to me, you were somewhere else."

 

Point is why make such a big issue about where I came from. I was there at the spot and had been there the entire evening. Why is he everytime accusing me of lying when I have never in my life lied to him. I know that he's very jealous and I thought I could handle it by being just completely honest to him. I tell him where I go, what I do, who I am with, what time I'll come home. I always answer the phone when he calls me up on my cell. I give him no reason/ not a chance to think that I'm doing something to hurt him or us. But he just cannot live with that. It's so hard to be with a man like this. I though I could handle it, but I can't and at times I really feel that I'm drifting away from him.

 

Accusing me for being a liar is hurtful because I have never ever lied to him. This is just one example of the stupid fights he picks with me. He's immature for his age (33), very selfish and proud. Too proud. He would always try to justify himself even though he knows that he is wrong. He will never admit. He will stop talking to me, won't eat the meals I cook, ignore me entirely. I would most of the time try to make up and at times he wouldn't even want peace, he'd keep on being angry and his whole ritual continues.

 

Is there a way for people like him to change? I really want to work on a healthy happy relationship. I don't have time to fool around with guys who don't really have feeling for me. I thought he did .... I don't know anymore if it's love or is it not. He wants to have a baby with me, but if he's like this, I don't think it's a good idea.

 

Can someone like him change? Why is he that way? He knows about his character, and acknowledges it, but it happens again and again and again. I'm tired of this...... Please give me your advice. I appreciate your help.

[niko1999]

Ok, you almost packed your bags. You need to get rid of almost, and go all the way. This is not a healthy relationship, and while it is right now, only a form a mental abuse, it can change into physical abuse. I had a freind who was married to someone like your boyfreind, the only good thing that came out of the relationship was her daughter. He didnt allow her to go anywhere, he was mentally abusive thier entire relationship, and then eventually, he became physical to her. Your boyfreind is not going to change, not for the better, though he may say he will. Please beleive me on this one. Youre doing well by asking for help. NOw you need to take the help of others, and use it. Youre going to need help and support to do this. Talk to your family and freinds, beucase I am sure they have seen this a lot longer than you have. Good luck

[shopgrl]

Natalie- I feel for you. It must be difficult to be with man such as your boyfriend. I'm curious as to how long you've been dating him.

 

As difficult as it may be, I'd run if I were you. Think about it, your boyfriend is 33 years old. He is a grown man. More than likely he is permanently set in his ways and he is never going to change, not for you, not for anyone. It sounds like he is a very jealous person and probably very insecure with himself.

 

Now he wants to have a baby with you?? Are you two planning on marrying? If I were you, I would'nt get pregnant by this guy. It will just make it that much harder to walk away, if you ever decided to do so. Plus, why bring an innocent child into an unhealthy relationship.

 

If you can't walk away just yet, then talk with him (if you haven't already), tell him how you feel and that you're planning on leaving if he doesn't change. See what happens from then on out. If he can't or won't change, I'd leave. Would you really want to live the rest of your life like this?

[moimeme]

I'm afraid this guy is very bad news. He is far too controlling and jealous and that can definitely be the precursor to abuse. Please rethink this relationship. Leave and save yourself further, and worse, grief.

[Natalie]

We've been together for a year now and I moved in with him 2 months ago. It was alright before I moved in, but now it has changed. I knew he was jealous, but not THIS jealous, and I always had the hope that he would change. I talked to him openly about relationship issues, about the importance of communication, trust....darn, I feel more like raising a child here. I tried to bent in every which way I can, but it seems like it only makes the monster grow bigger and uglier.

 

I can walk away right now if I want. But I feel like I still need to talk to him first about this and see the outcome. If it comes to a point that I cannot take it anymore, you'll see me go and you betcha....I will keep on going. You see, when I love someone I put all my heart and effort to keep it going. I only give up when I've tried really hard without any success and if there's no more love there anymore. And if I walk away I will never look back. Cause believe me, you could only try THIS much. After being ignored, rejected and falsely accused over and over again, makes love hurt and it will fade away slowly.

 

Are you with me on this one guys??

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by Natalie

Are you with me on this one guys??

No ma'am. He doesn't deserve you--This is your 'project' gene, the womanly need to fix a guy who isn't fixing himself. This guy sounds like bad news, short-tempered, jealous, it's very possible he could try to hurt you. Chances are, he'll eventually change, but not when you're sticking around validating his behavior by merely being there for it.

[gaia]

Would he seek professional help? It sounds like you are already doing everything you can for him and it's not changing things much. People with these kind of problems can get much worse if nothing is done and an abusive relationship is on the cards if he doesn't do something about it.

 

If he refuses, I don't think I'd risk staying.

[moimeme]

I completely understand your desire to not give up on this guy - I've been there, done that. The difference is that this guy is displaying some of the warning signs of abuse, which makes a huge difference. You should give up on this guy and you should do it now. Maybe ask him if he'd go to counselling, but I doubt he'll agree. Abusers get progressively more abusive and dangerous - and more dangerous to leave - so the sooner you get yourself out safely, the better it will be for you.

[Natalie]

the latest

 

It was Cold War since Monday evening. This is the first time that I have been this strong not to break down and cry and try to make him talk back to me again. Well, I start to tear sometimes when I think about how things has become between us, but not when he's around though. Despite that it eats me up not to talk about this with him. It wouldn't help anyway I suppose. I would usually talk to him and cry and basically beg him to talk to me, because I can't go to sleep with anger and unresolved issues. He would treat me cold, the begging and crying makes him feel good. But that's going to stop too. I can't bent backwards like that and he is only wiping his feet on me! I have pride too, which I gave up for the sake of our love and to make this relationship work. But how far can I bend? I don't want to bend too far. It's not worth it to break.

 

He started talking to me on Tuesday. I guess he now realized what he did, but is not humane enough to say he's sorry. He's going to pretend that it never happened. This is how he always does his things. I'd answer him but not with a lot of enthusiasm. I'm still waiting for him to say he's sorry, which he doesn't normally do. No words came from him about Monday evening. He probably thinks to just burry the issues and continue. What about my feelings? I was hurt again for crying out loud! He's not getting away easily this time. I'm not going to be all mushy again and weak, because I do miss him. But that's the weakness that he always uses to control me.

 

I have spent Wednesday also thinking about all these thoughts and trying to be strong. The nights are the hardest and the longest. It's now Thursday and it's still the same. He's talks to me, but there's still a lot of tense around. I'd appreciate it if he'd apologize for hurting me, instead of just pretending that nothing ever happened. We could then talk and hopefully he'll change.....gulp, change????? talk?????? I don't know if it's possible, haven't seen much of those lately.

 

I tell you something....this guy dreams about me. And all his dreams are about me having an affair, me with another guy, me being caught cheating, me this and me that.... IN ALL HIS DREAMS. This is no joke!!!!

 

What if he never apologizes?? Or change??? Unfortunately, then I have to leave. Then I close this chapter of my life. Too bad, it wasn't good while it lasted.

 

Anyone looking for a roommate???

[gaia]

He is never going to change unless he takes some responsibility for his behaviour and he certainly isn't at the moment. If he won't acknowledge that he has a problem, it will have to be goodbye