anxiety after cheating on husband

[nfcu1]

I will try to keep this as short as possible. My husband and I have been married since i was 17 years old. We have 3 kids together and my oldest I had when I was 16 years old. Well last year when we had been married for 8 years we seperated. During our seperation I had unprotected sex with 2 different guys. Stupid I know but at the time I just felt so lost and depressed with my life. I felt like I had to grow up so fast and that I had missed out on so much. Well luckily me and my husband decided to get back together but now the guilt and anxiety is unbearable. I have had to deal with the guilt every day since then. Before I slept with those 2 guys the only one I had ever been with was my husband. I can never tell him because it would ruin our marriage. He has always prided on the fact that he was the only one that i had ever slept with. I have had anxiety and even panic attacks every day. I constantly think that I have an STD. Even though I have been tested for all STDs and come out negative I still constantly think about it everyday. I think well maybe I tested to early (even though I tested in the desired time frame) or maybe the lab made an error. I pray every night for forgiveness but I honestly don't think that I would change a thing because those mistakes have made me a better person. They made me see that I really loved my husband and that I already had everything I wanted and needed. It is just so hard to move on and be happy with my life with this guilt and anxiety every single day. Has anyone been through anything similar or have any suggestions.

[SoulStorm]

I honestly don't think that I would change a thing because those mistakes have made me a better person

 

I would not say something like this. It shows a lack of remorse for causing one of the most devastating betrayals known to man.

It was not a mistake, but a choice.

 

If you and your husband had an agreement not to see others while separated then you need to be honest with him.

You need to be honest with him anyway. He needs to know the full information of what's going on in his life.

By not telling him, you are controlling your relationship. You are giving him part of a puzzle of his life. he needs to know it all.

You are so racked with guilt now that eventually you will become sick and depressed.

You will not be able to fully participate in your reconciling because you will always feel that you have to keep certain parts hidden about what happened.

Believe it or not your husband will be feeling that something is off. He may be feeling it now, but dismissing it as nervous jitters about getting back together.

 

3 people know of your indiscretions, you and the two other men. How do you know they will keep quiet?

 

How do you know your husband may not find out indirectly by them leaking it out?

 

You think you have a hard time now, wait until he finds out by someone other than you.

 

It is not the cheating that always kills a marriage. it's the lies during and after the cheating.

Lies of omission are still lies.

So right now your reconciling is being based on a lie..is that what you want?

[lkjh]

For starters its sad that you needed to cheat on him to see you love him. That is the worse thing you can do to a man

 

You need to be honest or leave him so he can find a faithful woman.

[Sticks82]

I really don't think you should beat yourself up about this as you are doing no-one any favours by torturing yourself.

 

Sometimes, I find it entirely appropriate to operate a need to know policy on information to save someones feelings however always be aware that if there is any chance of your bloke finding out then perhaps it would be better coming from you.

 

On the STD's, the Lab is an accurate process so if you're clean, you're clean!

[reservoirdog1]

Hang on a sec -- you slept with those guys while you and your H were separated.

 

How long were you separated for? When you separated, what was the purpose? To get some breathing room from each other but ultimately get back together? Was it just a temporary thing? Or did it look like the marriage was going to end, except you ended up getting back together? I.e. was there an expectation that, when you separated, neither of you would sleep with other people?

 

If it was a temporary break with the understanding that you would ultimately get back together, then it was cheating.

 

However, if, at the time you separated, the intention was to end the relationship, then what you did wasn't cheating. And if that's the case, the fact that the two of you ultimately got back together doesn't make it cheating.

 

I'm not sure what to advise you as far as telling your H or not. But at least you know you're STD free. If, on the basis of the above, you WEREN'T cheating, I suggest you talk to a counsellor about how to deal with the guilt.

[Mme. Chaucer]

For starters its sad that you needed to cheat on him to see you love him. That is the worse thing you can do to a man

 

You need to be honest or leave him so he can find a faithful woman.

 

They were separated ...

 

OP, since it happened during a separation, I don't think you are honor bound to tell him unless you two had an agreement that you would not see others.

 

But, I still hope that you can tell him. Just from your post, I don't believe that you are going to be able to get past your feelings of guilt. They can ruin your peace and poison your relationship. If you and your husband are able to survive this it will probably strengthen your relationship.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It is just so hard to move on and be happy with my life with this guilt and anxiety every single day. Has anyone been through anything similar or have any suggestions.

 

It's not the fear of STD's that is really killing you. It's the fact that you did something dishonest and it's eating you up.

 

The truth will set you free.

 

I think there is a good chance your husband, though hurt will survive the revelation much better than you may assume.

[Dexter Morgan]

During our seperation I had unprotected sex with 2 different guys. Stupid I know but at the time I just felt so lost and depressed with my life. I felt like I had to grow up so fast and that I had missed out on so much.

 

so that is your excuse?

 

 

Well luckily me and my husband decided to get back together but now the guilt and anxiety is unbearable. I have had to deal with the guilt every day since then.

 

some people will say since you were separated that it wasn't cheating...I say bull####.

 

You boffed 2 guys during this separation. I don't think you will lose the desire to sleep with other guys. You said it yourself as an attempt at justification.....you missed out on having sex with other men. So these 2 guys won't be the last 2 you will want to mess around with behind your husband's back.

 

 

Before I slept with those 2 guys the only one I had ever been with was my husband. I can never tell him because it would ruin our marriage.

 

no, your actions and character will ruin the relationship....not disclosure of such.

 

 

He has always prided on the fact that he was the only one that i had ever slept with. I have had anxiety and even panic attacks every day. I constantly think that I have an STD. Even though I have been tested for all STDs and come out negative I still constantly think about it everyday. I think well maybe I tested to early (even though I tested in the desired time frame) or maybe the lab made an error. I pray every night for forgiveness

 

how can you pray for forgiveness when you haven't come clean with your husband?

 

 

 

but I honestly don't think that I would change a thing because those mistakes have made me a better person.

 

they weren't mistakes. you did what you did because you wanted to have sex with those 2 guys.

 

ah, so you get to have sex with 2 other guys behind H's back, and you think this makes you a better person as if to say it won't happen again? You used your inexperience as justification for what you did.....you really think its out of your system after 2 guys?

 

 

They made me see that I really loved my husband and that I already had everything I wanted and needed.

 

well, that works for you.......what about your husband?

 

 

It is just so hard to move on and be happy with my life with this guilt and anxiety every single day.

 

 

oh, give it time, I think you'll live with what you did just fine in absence of the alternative....the alternative you don't want to pick, which is to tell him the truth.

 

you'll be fine in time. Its facing the consequences of your actions with your husband that you can't handle.

[Space Ritual]

"I can never tell him because it would ruin our marriage."

 

 

I think you already made this a moot point

[reservoirdog1]

If they separated because they thought the marriage was over (assuming that was the intention at the time of the split), and during that separation she slept with others, how is that cheating?

[Dexter Morgan]

If they separated because they thought the marriage was over (assuming that was the intention at the time of the split), and during that separation she slept with others, how is that cheating?

 

I suppose as long as they think they are definitely going to divorce, I suppose it wouldn't be cheating.

 

But this is your assumption.

 

and if your assumption is true, and she isn't cheating, then she wouldn't feel guilt, would she?

[reservoirdog1]

I suppose as long as they think they are definitely going to divorce, I suppose it wouldn't be cheating.

 

But this is your assumption.

 

and if your assumption is true, and she isn't cheating, then she wouldn't feel guilt, would she?

That depends. She could well feel guilty. Guilt isn't always a rational reaction.

 

But you're right, this is my assumption. Methinks the OP could clear this up very quickly. What say you, OP?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Whether or not she really "cheated," Dexter - you are wrong. I don't know about this OP, but people really do very out of character things when they are at the bottom of a pit of despair. The scenario she shared does not predict that she has an insatiable need to sleep with more men. It does not mean that she has bad character. She exhibited weakness. Have you ever done that?

 

She posted this because of her guilt about what she did. She feels terrible even if it was not technically "cheating" because of the separation.

 

What's your purpose in grinding her face in the dirt? She is suffering from what she did already.

 

I don't believe, from what she posted, that she will be able to bury it. She probably needs to tell her husband. If his investment in being the ONLY man who's had sex with her, he might not be able to deal with it. There is a lot at stake.

 

If he CAN deal with it ... and actually forgive her, not holding this over her head whenever there is conflict or he's feeling insecure, it could well strengthen their marriage.

[Dexter Morgan]

Whether or not she really "cheated," Dexter - you are wrong.

 

your opinion and you are entitled to it.

 

 

It does not mean that she has bad character. She exhibited weakness. Have you ever done that?

 

nope

 

If he CAN deal with it ... and actually forgive her, not holding this over her head whenever there is conflict or he's feeling insecure, it could well strengthen their marriage.

 

I don't think he will be given the chance to make the choice of whether he can deal with it or not.

[LoveAintEverything]

Unfortunately the only way for you to get over this is to tell your husband.

[fredcollins]

It depends if this is cheating on whether or not there was an "agreement."

 

Calling her a skank and unfaithful on less than the full facts of the case is quite rude.

[amerikajin]

Separation can be a gray area. I tend to agree with RD: if the intent was to file for divorce and then you later rescinded that motion, then maybe it's not cheating. That's not to say that your husband would be cool with it or that it was necessarily a good idea to do this as your divorce was not quite final, but it's fair to say that some confusion about the boundaries of propriety is understandable as the boundaries are more subjective in this case. However, if the separation was more of a "let's just give ourselves some space and clear the air" moment, then that's a different matter. You're the only one here who knows the truth, though.

 

As for telling him, I don't know what to say there. It probably would have been much easier to tell him before you guys decided to move back in together. At this point, even if there was legitimate confusion, it's going to be a surprise and a rude one at that. But maybe that's not the issue here; the issue is how do you deal with your guilt. There's probably only one way to deal with that, and that is to tell him what happened. However, understand that this is the real world and that this will have consequences. He will see you differently. You have to be prepared for the aftermath and weigh all of the variables and then determine whether you're ready to deal with what comes.

[Dexter Morgan]

It depends if this is cheating on whether or not there was an "agreement."

 

if there was this "agreement", then there would be no problem, no?

 

Calling her a skank and unfaithful on less than the full facts of the case is quite rude.

 

who called her a skank?

[fredcollins]

Not in so many words.

[bestplayer]

It depends if this is cheating on whether or not there was an "agreement."

 

Calling her a skank and unfaithful on less than the full facts of the case is quite rude.

 

I definately agree with you , Critisism is ok , but some posters on this site & , are always so desperate to flame others . In current thread , I really doubt she will come back .

Edited September 25, 2010 by bestplayer

[TCAI522]

I am sorry that you feel so bad. But you must tell him. Something similar happened to me. What hurt most was "not" saying anything. In your husband's case it is worse because you are back with him. Here he thinks that you are this "perfect" woman, when really you aren't. Just because your depressed does not give you the right to lie to your husband. Would you feel better if he told you that you he cheated as well? Switch roles, and you would be devastated. Be honest with him, and expect consequences for your selfish action. A girl that I love more than anything is no longer with me, because she pulled something similar to what you did. You cant justify your actions, because things were rough. Tell him, you owe that to your husband and children...

[Mad Max]

During our seperation I had unprotected sex with 2 different guys. Stupid I know but at the time I just felt so lost and depressed with my life. I felt like I had to grow up so fast and that I had missed out on so much.

 

 

If you had no intention of getting back together, it technically wouldn't be cheating. But, you had UNPROTECTED sex with multiple guys. If you truly loved your husband, you wouldn't have had sex that quikcly and with more than 1 guy. IMO, you feel like you need to sleep with multiple guys because you didn't get to do so when single. That is not an excuse and is just an excuse to sleep around IMO.

 

 

Well luckily me and my husband decided to get back together but now the guilt and anxiety is unbearable. I have had to deal with the guilt every day since then.

 

 

IMO, you intended to get back with your husband. That's why you feel guilty. If it was over, there would be nothing to feel guilty over.

 

 

Before I slept with those 2 guys the only one I had ever been with was my husband. I can never tell him because it would ruin our marriage. He has always prided on the fact that he was the only one that i had ever slept with. I have had anxiety and even panic attacks every day.

 

 

Well yes, he thinks that you were a good girl and has class. If he found out that not only did you have sex that soon and with MULTIPLE guys, but you used no protection and people with class do not do that.

 

 

I constantly think that I have an STD. Even though I have been tested for all STDs and come out negative I still constantly think about it everyday. I think well maybe I tested to early (even though I tested in the desired time frame) or maybe the lab made an error.

 

 

An STD would have popped up by now. You're safe and consider yourself lucky.

 

 

I pray every night for forgiveness but I honestly don't think that I would change a thing because those mistakes have made me a better person. They made me see that I really loved my husband and that I already had everything I wanted and needed. It is just so hard to move on and be happy with my life with this guilt and anxiety every single day. Has anyone been through anything similar or have any suggestions.

 

 

This shows you have no remorse for anything you've done. Sleeping with other guys that quickly shows that you do not love your husband. If you did, you wouldn't get intimate with anyone for quite awhile. You show no remorse for sleeping with multiple guys while seperated(regardless of the circumstances), no remorse for having unprotected sex with guys you probably barely know, and no remorse for putting your own health at risk.

[Woman In Blue]

So your husband's all proud of the fact that he's the only one who ever had sex with you, even though he's probably had many partners before you? How freakin' childish. Tell him to get over himself.

 

I would imagine he wasn't home reading his Bible the entire time you were separated. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So your husband's all proud of the fact that he's the only one who ever had sex with you, even though he's probably had many partners before you? How freakin' childish. Tell him to get over himself.

I would imagine he wasn't home reading his Bible the entire time you were separated. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Good job making wild assumptions to justify immoral behavior. You must be quite the catch.

[wicar1]

If you had no intention of getting back together, it technically wouldn't be cheating. But, you had UNPROTECTED sex with multiple guys. If you truly loved your husband, you wouldn't have had sex that quikcly and with more than 1 guy. IMO, you feel like you need to sleep with multiple guys because you didn't get to do so when single. That is not an excuse and is just an excuse to sleep around IMO.

 

 

 

 

 

IMO, you intended to get back with your husband. That's why you feel guilty. If it was over, there would be nothing to feel guilty over.

 

 

 

 

 

Well yes, he thinks that you were a good girl and has class. If he found out that not only did you have sex that soon and with MULTIPLE guys, but you used no protection and people with class do not do that.

 

 

 

 

 

An STD would have popped up by now. You're safe and consider yourself lucky.

 

 

 

 

This shows you have no remorse for anything you've done. Sleeping with other guys that quickly shows that you do not love your husband. If you did, you wouldn't get intimate with anyone for quite awhile. You show no remorse for sleeping with multiple guys while seperated(regardless of the circumstances), no remorse for having unprotected sex with guys you probably barely know, and no remorse for putting your own health at risk.

 

well said!!