anxiety after cheating on husband

[amerikajin]

I petition that we ban the use of the "If you really loved him" clause on LS.

 

Seriously, I don't think there's a need to question her love for him. She could have gone out and had sex with other guys thinking that she was headed for divorce court and believing that the marriage was over and done with. Maybe she did it because she was hurt and just wanted some sort of affirmation that she was still "marketable" to other guys. I'm not saying it was a good idea necessarily, but I think we should back off making sweeping judgments about people and questioning their love of spouse. Love is not always black and white.

[Dexter Morgan]

Not in so many words.

 

well if the description of the truth and her actions implies it.....well?

[Dexter Morgan]

If you had no intention of getting back together, it technically wouldn't be cheating. But, you had UNPROTECTED sex with multiple guys. If you truly loved your husband, you wouldn't have had sex that quikcly and with more than 1 guy.

 

BINGO!!!. This says it all right there in a nice neat little sentence.

 

 

IMO, you feel like you need to sleep with multiple guys because you didn't get to do so when single. That is not an excuse and is just an excuse to sleep around IMO.

 

that, and do you really think she got her fill in that short time and doesn't wish she'd like to do it again?

 

 

 

IMO, you intended to get back with your husband. That's why you feel guilty. If it was over, there would be nothing to feel guilty over.

 

exactly

[Dexter Morgan]

I petition that we ban the use of the "If you really loved him" clause on LS.

 

Seriously, I don't think there's a need to question her love for him. She could have gone out and had sex with other guys thinking that she was headed for divorce court and believing that the marriage was over and done with. Maybe she did it because she was hurt and just wanted some sort of affirmation that she was still "marketable" to other guys. I'm not saying it was a good idea necessarily, but I think we should back off making sweeping judgments about people and questioning their love of spouse. Love is not always black and white.

 

sorry, but if I TRULY loved someone, I wouldn't think to myself...."I really really love her....but first I'm gonna go out and f##k some other women!!":rolleyes:

[amerikajin]

sorry, but if I TRULY loved someone, I wouldn't think to myself...."I really really love her....but first I'm gonna go out and f##k some other women!!":rolleyes:

 

Yeah, but that's you, and besides, we don't really know what was said and what the situation was at the time of break up. I mean if it was a bad fight and he slept in a hotel for a weekend and came back on a Monday night and meanwhile she fit three or four guys into her short weekend schedule...okay, you might have a point here.

 

I'm just saying that what probably happened is that she felt hurt and depressed and maybe jumped the gone on some 'get-over-my-ex' sex before everything was settled. I'm not saying it was a good decision -- it was probably a dumb move. But it's not the same as hooking up with someone on a business trip and pretending to have a happy home life upon returning home. I think there are some shades of gray here.

 

Would I be pissed anyway? Sure, probably so. Emotions are emotions, but people should try to be objective about things whenever possible.

[Dexter Morgan]

Would I be pissed anyway? Sure, probably so. Emotions are emotions, but people should try to be objective about things whenever possible.

 

 

when it comes to situations like this, sorry. no thanks.

 

if someone cheats on me, objectivity is a load of bunk.

 

if someone breaks up with me and IMMEDIATELY starts boffing other men, only to come back soon after saying that she really does love me.....sorry, I aint feeling it.

 

Anyone that says they love someone, but will so quickly, and with multiple people, start screwing them....then their idea of love for the other person is f####d up.

[KraftDinner]

Dexter, do we know SHE broke up with HIM? Maybe he dumped her...

[Mad Max]

Dexter, do we know SHE broke up with HIM? Maybe he dumped her...

 

 

Irrelevant. If you love someone, you don't go boinking others immediately.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, do we know SHE broke up with HIM? Maybe he dumped her...

 

well to do it this soon and with more than one guy, then it would appear that she was just itching to kick it with other men.

 

she is even using her lack of experience as an excuse...as if it would fly with most of us here.

 

if someone broke up with me, and I immediately start boning other women, then I didn't give a crap about her in the first place.

[amerikajin]

when it comes to situations like this, sorry. no thanks.

 

if someone cheats on me, objectivity is a load of bunk.

if someone breaks up with me and IMMEDIATELY starts boffing other men, only to come back soon after saying that she really does love me.....sorry, I aint feeling it.

 

Anyone that says they love someone, but will so quickly, and with multiple people, start screwing them....then their idea of love for the other person is f####d up.

 

I understand what you're saying, Dexter, and I agree that in the end, we humans are emotional creatures first. I'm just saying that whereas we are indeed emotional and emotions are normal reactions to perceived slights, we end up making better decisions if we can take at least some of the emotion out of it. I don't mean that we should be bots, but I think people need to try to be objective when possible.

 

It's entirely possible, and even acceptable, that at the time, the OP did not regard her actions as cheating. If someone is under the impression that the relationship is over, then why would they necessarily be bound to be exclusive?

 

The problem with this discussion is that we're missing some important context here, which would go a long way to clearing up some of this gray area. You could be right, Dex: maybe there wasn't a lot of time between the time they separated and the time she hooked up with other guys, which might explain the extended silence. OP, maybe you could address this if you're still lurking? If you could address this openly and honestly, that would at least help me understand the situation better.

Edited September 30, 2010 by amerikajin

[Dexter Morgan]

It's entirely possible, and even acceptable, that at the time, the OP did not regard her actions as cheating.

 

and honestly, I don't think anyone here is saying she did. In this situation, only her H can decide that one for himself.

 

what we are saying is that in a very short time, its like she was salivating and chomping at the bit to get #####d quick and with variety.

 

 

If someone is under the impression that the relationship is over, then why would they necessarily be bound to be exclusive?

 

 

again, they wouldn't. but they also don't get to say "i love him" and so quickly boink 2 guys immediately.

 

she was free to eff whoever she wanted and not have it considered cheating. but it doesn't correlate with her loving her H.

 

and she said herself she can't tell her H because it would ruin her M....well if they were seperated, and she didn't cheat, it shouldn't matter right?

 

but if it does matter, then her H would be thinking the very same things we are.

[KraftDinner]

Irrelevant. If you love someone, you don't go boinking others immediately.

 

Well, I agree in that *I* wouldn't... I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about that person long enough to entangle myself with another guy. That is not something that I would do, period.

 

But not everyone is like that.

 

Hahaha, I keep thinking about Ross and Rachel. They were on a break! Does that mean he didn't love her? I know this is a fictional couple but this sort of stuff happens all the time.

 

Plus, although I am not a cheater, I don't believe that cheaters have no love for their BSs.

 

So I think saying you wouldn't do x, y, z if you love someone is simplistic, and maybe *you* wouldn't but that doesn't mean it's true for everyone...

[karnak]

 

So I think saying you wouldn't do x, y, z if you love someone is simplistic, and maybe *you* wouldn't but that doesn't mean it's true for everyone...

 

It can be. In fact, we are a bit like animals.

 

If you stay in these forums long enough you'll start to understand that most people follow common patterns in their habits and ways of acting.

 

So much so that most readers can know if a spouse is cheating or not based on the first post of someone.

 

I'm not saying that everyone is the same. But i'm dividing the world into subjects A, B, C, D, etc...

 

And I'll say that subject A will do things in X manner, while subject B is most likely to act according to Y pattern.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, I agree in that *I* wouldn't... I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about that person long enough to entangle myself with another guy. That is not something that I would do, period.

 

But not everyone is like that.

 

Hahaha, I keep thinking about Ross and Rachel. They were on a break! Does that mean he didn't love her?

 

no, he didn't. it meant "i want to have sex with other people"

 

now maybe later on in life he loved her again, but not during having sex with other people and not in the short "break" timeframe.

 

 

Plus, although I am not a cheater, I don't believe that cheaters have no love for their BSs.

 

well when does a cheater love their spouse? before or after they cum with their affair partner?

[KraftDinner]

I guess we are going to have to agree to disagree then, because I'll never believe that just because you love someone, it means you never do anything selfish or make mistakes or feel sexual attraction for someone else or anything like that.

 

I don't believe that 'love' is a magic thing that transforms people into superhumans incapable of doing anything wrong.

 

I agree that it's selfish and awful to cheat. I'd be devastated if I discovered that my BF cheated. But I think there would be more to it than whether or not he loved me. Not saying I'd get over it... probably not.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I guess we are going to have to agree to disagree then, because I'll never believe that just because you love someone, it means you never do anything selfish or make mistakes or feel sexual attraction for someone else or anything like that.

 

I don't believe that 'love' is a magic thing that transforms people into superhumans incapable of doing anything wrong.

 

Your talking about love as a feeling.

 

They are talking about Love as an action.

[Dasha]

First of all, you have the right to do whatever you want with YOUR body, it does not belong to anyone else. Including your husband. It's completely creepy that he "prides himself" on being your only sex partner. Don't tell him about having sex with others, he is clearly the kind of guy who would hold that against you and make you suffer over it for the rest of your time together. If you were separated, it's not "cheating". How do you know he wasn't having sex with other people as well? Don't ask, don't tell. Keep your private business private.

 

Second, if the test thing is haunting you, just go get another test. Tell them you want to be tested for everything. It will give you peace of mind.

 

Don't have unprotected sex anymore. It's dangerous. Obviously, you could have gotten pregnant and then you'd be in a real pickle. You made some immature decisions. No real harm was done, you were lucky. So give yourself a break, put it behind you, and let go of the guilt. It doesn't help anything and if you tell your husband out of your guilt, it not only hurts him (it's pointless, there is absolutely no good that can come of it) but it will also hurt you with his reaction.

 

A bunch of moralists want to punish you for having sex. Don't buy into that. This forum and this world are chock full of people who have had sex outside of their relationships and/or with people who were married to someone else. There aren't many justified in casting that first stone.

 

As long as you don't do something really stupid and hand your power over to your husband, you will be okay. Forgive yourself. You don't need forgiveness from anyone else.

[Chrome Barracuda]

First of all, you have the right to do whatever you want with YOUR body, it does not belong to anyone else. Including your husband. It's completely creepy that he "prides himself" on being your only sex partner. Don't tell him about having sex with others, he is clearly the kind of guy who would hold that against you and make you suffer over it for the rest of your time together. If you were separated, it's not "cheating". How do you know he wasn't having sex with other people as well? Don't ask, don't tell. Keep your private business private.

 

Second, if the test thing is haunting you, just go get another test. Tell them you want to be tested for everything. It will give you peace of mind.

 

Don't have unprotected sex anymore. It's dangerous. Obviously, you could have gotten pregnant and then you'd be in a real pickle. You made some immature decisions. No real harm was done, you were lucky. So give yourself a break, put it behind you, and let go of the guilt. It doesn't help anything and if you tell your husband out of your guilt, it not only hurts him (it's pointless, there is absolutely no good that can come of it) but it will also hurt you with his reaction.

 

A bunch of moralists want to punish you for having sex. Don't buy into that. This forum and this world are chock full of people who have had sex outside of their relationships and/or with people who were married to someone else. There aren't many justified in casting that first stone.

 

As long as you don't do something really stupid and hand your power over to your husband, you will be okay. Forgive yourself. You don't need forgiveness from anyone else.

 

Your actively patting her on the back for cheating on her husband?! wtf that is highly irresponsible and you know what, that mode of thinking is probably what got her into this in the first place!

 

WTF! WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF SHE CAUGHT HIV? EXPLAIN THAT!

 

YOU arent living in reality dasha, your post is reprehensible and just plain wrong! giving the power to her husband? wtf this isnt a power struggle it's a marriage she told him the truth, she already hurt him when she engaged in these affairs, reguardless, would you have rather him found out or her manning up and telling the truth?

 

Go over to the OW/OM board with that nonsense! Who wants to actively cheat on their spouse and be proud of it!? :sick::sick::sick::sick:

[Untouchable_Fire]

As long as you don't do something really stupid and hand your power over to your husband, you will be okay. Forgive yourself. You don't need forgiveness from anyone else.

 

Because relationships are just power struggles to you?

 

I bet you have no mirrors in your house. You probably can't stand the sight. I know I would not be able to. :sick::sick:

[elaina]

It is a tough call what to do. It would have been so much easier if you had told him before getting back together that you had slept with 2 guys during the separation. That way, he could have made his part of the decision based on that too, and you wouldn't be feeling so guilty right now. Did he sleep with anybody during the separation? Is it possible that he did and wouldn't tell you?

 

You have kids together yeah? It's a tough call. Honesty with tact and timing is very important, I think. I personally would tell him, but say i'm sorry and it was because we were separated. He probably won't trust you for awhile though, which if you look at it if he did that, it would probably take a while for you to trust him.

[elaina]

First of all, you have the right to do whatever you want with YOUR body, it does not belong to anyone else.

 

Actually, if she made the vow to be faithful to her husband, then she belongs to him (hence "his" wife) and he belongs to her (hence "her" husband) It doesn't mean they own each other, just that they are for each other, like my friend is mine, you know?

 

In many wedding ceremonies, the bride and groom take vows, promises, to be faithful and to love each other. It's one thing if they just live together, but it's another if they make the promise to love and be faithful to each other. I guess it depends on the vows they made.

 

During separation, that is different ground, because it could lead to reconciliation or to divorce. OP, do you have a counselor you can talk to and any way to make telling him the truth easier for the both of you? Is there any way you could go to marriage counseling together and maybe tell him there and tell him that you love him and are sorry (if you do love him and are sorry)?