Wife had 3rd affair w/ boss…and now she wants me to take her back!

[AWM66]

We’ve been married for 6 years and have two children, ages 5 and 2.

 

Recently, my wife was caught having her third affair with her married boss, a long-tenured supervisor, after she had been on her first professional job just 9-months. They routinely arranged their travel schedules to be together and she also accompanied him on out-of-town sales calls that were outside the scope of her duties. She is in the HR field and should know better. Their sex was unprotected. Our youngest was just 18-months at the time she started this affair and she was taking extra time away from the family to be with him. Initially she lied repeatedly and denied the affair…but eventually had to admit to it. When I demanded she cut if off with him, she left the house and abandoned the children. Since leaving the house, she has been seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist for unspecified issues. In the past couple of weeks, she has been contacting me asking if we are really over at this point.

 

A few years before, she had an emotional affair with the typical phone calls, sexting and exchanging nude pictures with a military coworker in 2007. He was married with a new baby girl at the time. She claimed they never had any physical relations although I think I ended up noticing before it could turn physical. I contacted him and he confirmed her account. He apologized sincerely, stated if there was one thing he could take back it would be this, and that it changed him. My wife and I went to counseling a few times, worked on the marriage, and she quit her job in the military. She remained unemployed until she took the job above that led to her affair with her boss.

 

Unbeknown to me until a few weeks ago, she began her most egregious affair just one-year after our honeymoon in early 2006. I deployed overseas with the military one-month after our oldest boy was born. When our oldest was just 6-months old, she began leaving him in the care of others and going out drinking and partying. In the course of those actions, she began an affair and became pregnant that same month by another military coworker. She had an abortion the following month while the OM drove her to the clinic and our child was left in daycare. She continued to see the OM during the entire time I was deployed and was actively seeing him both before and after my mid-tour leave, which was about half-way through my deployment. She finally cut it off about two-weeks before I returned. Old cell phone records show 100+ phones calls a month to his number although she claims he ‘forced’ her to continue to see him as he threatened to contact me and tell me about the abortion. The OM also claimed to have stayed in our house, slept in my bed, and laid next to my wife when I would call her from overseas. The OM probably saw our child more than I did that year and he certainly slept with her more than I did. All of this was kept a secret for over 4-years until I made some phone calls and her military reputation caught up with her. Apparently the rumors were rampant in the unit because he talked. When first confronted, she adamantly denied the affair but I had significant proof to refute it. Finally, in the face of the evidence and his admission, she had to admit the affair.

 

The 2007 affair hurt, but I was completely shocked by the infidelity with her boss in 2010 and then devastated by the revelation of the 2006 affair so soon after the marriage, the pregnancy, and how she was able to keep the secret for so long. It has been a horrific and traumatic past three months. I have learned that the image and vision I had of our marriage never truly existed.

 

I also learned that she was the OW to a MM with three children the year before we began dating. That marriage ended in divorce because of his affair with her. Basically, in every job or military assignment since high-school, she has slept with a coworker. She also has never been honest, has lied constantly, has shown very little remorse over her actions, and has not been empathetic to the people she has hurt.

 

The state we live in is an ‘at fault’ state and I have significant leverage given that her paramour is her boss. I have filed for divorce, have temporary custody of our boys, and believe I will be better off without her. I originally wanted to work on the marriage but she refused and then I learned of the 2006 affair. That transgression galvanized me to follow through and convinced me I was making the right decision.

 

 

I have no plans to take her back now as that would be a catastrophic legal mistake…but has anyone been in a similar situation, or know someone else who has?

[Woggle]

Do not take her back and use the leverage you have in divorce court. She will never change and this will keep happening over and over again. Get yourself a good lawyer.

[painfullyobvious]

I agree that you need to leave at this point. Fool me once....

 

Ask your wife to get some individual counseling as she has issues with her self esteem and needing to feel validated by those in a superior position than her. You do not want her to continue to have these types of behavioral patterns if she is to have contact with children. I am sorry for your situations and wish you the best. The hardest step is usually the first one.

[Bryanp]

You sound like you have your head on straight. She is a serial cheater who has unprotected sex and puts your health at risk for STD's time and again. I am sure there is more to the story that you know. It would not be a bad idea to have a paternity check on all of your children. Your wife has no problem using you and playing you for a fool. You need to divorce and get this self destructive toxic woman out of your life. Good luck.

[jnj express]

You are doing the right thing---your mge., has been a sham since the beginning----

 

She most likely is a sex addict, and will continue to do this to anyone she is in a relationship with

 

You need to get some clear air around you---eventually you will get peace of mind----hopefully you will get custody of the kids---she certainly shouldn't be responsible for them--given her past history

[cavedweller]

66,

 

I was married to a serial cheater and tried to make my marriage work..Wrong answer..

 

my 2 cents---You need to contact a divorce lawyer today..

[Darth Vader]

66,

 

I was married to a serial cheater and tried to make my marriage work..Wrong answer..

 

my 2 cents---You need to contact a divorce lawyer today..

 

 

I agree with all the rest of them, DROP HER ASS! Get checked for STD's incase she gave you something! BTW, if she had a military job during the time she was screwing other men, that may be an illegal act on her part, I know it is if you're inlisted, but, I don't know if she was inlisted at the time of her affair! Get Paternity testing done as well!

[wicar1]

She seems like a real b**** You should have divorced her when you found her first EA itself. Anyway better late than never . You better take a paternity test on all your kids. Good luck mate and hope your nightmare would be over after the divorce.

 

P.S For no reason whatsoever never take her back nor leave the kids with her. She seems potentially harmful to your kids and you.

[misternoname]

Ditto Cavedweller...I took mine back after #3 only to eventually suffer through affair #4. Serial cheaters DO NOT CHANGE...period...dot!

 

Don't continue to waste precious time (like I did). It will be very tough at first but time heals and you'll eventually come out stronger with your dignity rediscovered.

 

Seriously, been there done that. Wish I had received similar advice a long time ago.

 

Best of luck.

[lostsunsets]

Get the divorce. Get the kids. Get child support. Get a new life. Find someone who will love you faithfully. Good luck

[jmargel]

She is going to want to come back, because you are the safety net. Always have been, however that wasn't your fault. You were not the reason why she cheated, she's a 'serial-cheater' and it's often due to major emotional issues that happened earlier in her life. Either the lack of attention giving to her, her need for approval or maybe her being afraid to get close to someone emotionally.. Who knows, that's for her and her counselor to figure out.

 

What stands out in all of this, is that she got an abortion. I won't go on a soap box, but to take an innocent baby's life because she didn't want to be 'caught' shows no remorse, no conscious. If you do take her back she'll never confront her problems, if you divorce then 'her problems' will have her cornered and will finally start to hit her. It's upto her to want to change her life.

 

You can't fix her, she would've done this to anyone she was married to. You need to take care of yourself and your kids. Put them as priority. Don't treat her mean or yell. Your kids will respect you more for it. They've already seen enough hurt and betrayal what they are looking for is security. Kids don't want to see their parents in dismay so be gentle but firm with your wife and the divorce.

 

Explain to the kids that you are not divorcing mom because you don't love her, but that some people get sick in their head and that for now the way for her to get better is to be on her own and get the help she needs. It will be hard for them to understand, make sure they know it's not their fault.

 

Your wife needs very serious help and I hope she gets it. For yourself, plan some short term goals for yourself, start doing things for you and the kids. Make sure you don't fall into a depression.

 

Alot of us have been involved with a cheating spouse, it's not fun but one thing in common we can all agree that it's 'not our fault' and it's nothing we did to cause them to cheat.

[FanFan]

 

I have no plans to take her back now as that would be a catastrophic legal mistake…but has anyone been in a similar situation, or know someone else who has?

 

What happened to the 2010 boss's marriage? Tell me his wife found out? What about his job?

 

You didn't married a someone with wife quality. If I were you, I would seriously doubt paternity of the children.

[AWM66]

Thanks for the comments and advice. All of it seems pretty unanimous about her fitness as a wife and as a mother. I do believe I was her safety net and her meal ticket. As Bryanp mentions, there is more to the story. Some additional insight includes:

 

She is 17 years younger than me. Her MM from 2002 is about 20 years older than her. Her married boss that she slept with in 2010 is about 14 years older than her. The OM from 2006 was a supervisor in her unit but only 3 years her senior. The emotional affair partner was probably a little older than her and more of a peer.

 

The OM from 2006 actually became jilted when she cut it off with him upon my return from deployment and he fired off an anonymous email to both her and me in late 2006 in an attempt to expose the affair. In that email, besides the other claims he made, he claimed to know that I had filed for divorce from her which was untrue but something she obviously told him. She denied everything and I was tremendously naive with no proof; however, I will never forget that terrified look on her face, the deeply apparent fear of abandonment, her ghostly white complexion, and her begging me not to believe the email. I chalked it up as a potentially disgruntled soldier trying to get back at me. In hindsight, I should have believed it and dug much deeper; but at least I kept the email. It proved useful 4 years later when comments from family members arose about making an unannounced visit and catching a man in our house, other rumors began to surface on the military side, and when I tracked him down to talk to him man to man. He admitted sending the email.

 

Fast forwarding to 2010, I suspected something for about 2 months but she had become more clever. In 2007, she used her personal cell phone and was primarily caught that way. This time she channeled all communication over the corporate cell phone outside my view. She and her boss were caught with the aid of private investigators. On the very first night of their very first surveillance outing, they caught her on an out-of-town business trip staying overnight in his hotel room and also obtained great video of her doing the walk of shame down the hall to her room the following morning. They also obtained a lot of other video to include going out to dinner together, in the parking lot together, on the elevator together, etc. They held hands and he opened car doors for her. She even called me both before and after their dinner with some pretend stories and some good acting…but what she didn’t know was that I already knew what she had been up to that night due to the PI updates. She tried to tell me during both calls that she was planning to / or had stayed in her room to catch up on work. She further told me she was tired and going to bed and even threw in a few fake yawns for good measure during the call. But as soon as she hung up the phone after saying good night to our oldest son in her sweetest motherly tone, the video cameras caught her immediately walking out of her room and down the hall to his room.

 

Ironically, that same evening, she actually struck up a conversation outside the hotel with a female assigned to the surveillance team. She told that particular female, who would have been a complete stranger to her, that she was recently divorced and there on business. So the divorced story, like in 2006, surfaced again. In all the surveillance footage, she is not wearing her wedding ring.

 

When confronted about then entire business trip, she first denied her boss was even on the trip. She then admitted he was but stated she didn’t know where in town he was staying. She then changed her story to admit that he was staying in the same hotel but didn’t know what room. She then changed her story again to say she knew what room but never went to his room and was in her room all night. After further prodding, she admitted to staying in his room but claimed to have “fallen asleep” on the couch as they were working late. Later, her story changed (after DNA tests) to that they did have sex, but after the deed that she put her clothes back on and then slept on the couch the rest of the night. Finally, after a lot of dumb looks at her for her ridiculous stories, she admitted that she slept with him in the same bed. This pattern of trickle truth was routine with her but she still states that they only had sex that “one” time. Even though she accompanied him on other business trips that did not have a legitimate business purpose for her, she maintains that she stayed in her own room and never slept with him before the time they were caught. Of course, I don’t buy it.

 

After many years of her deceitful tactics, she is an adept actress and liar. Many times she looked me directly in the eye and told an outright lie. She is also used gaslighting techniques and tried to tell me that I was crazy and perceiving way too much into things because, after all, why would she jeopardize her new job and sleep with her boss? She did similar things when confronted about the events of 2006.

 

It is also important to point out that several garments of hers were obtained after the business trip and tested for semen with a police grade rape test kit through the PIs. Two pairs of panties came back positive. If it were not for this test, I imagine her and I would still be going around in circles about her ridiculous stories. If I couldn’t prove it, she would never admit to it. Fortunately, these tests also allowed the charge of adultery to be added to the divorce complaint.

 

In my opinion, she does have some unresolved psychological issues. Her initial dx from the psychologist was Bipolar Type I with hypersexuality. She now says that was an erroneous dx by the psychologist and that she is perfectly fine. However, she continues to attend sessions, won’t tell me the name of her doctor, and won’t inform me about her treatment as she believes I will use it against her. It is hard to say what her true mental condition is at this point. A previous marriage counselor of ours unofficially thought she may have Borderline Personality Disorder and most certainly a Category B personality disorder due to her manipulative tendencies. That counselor could not be sure because my wife refused to go to further counseling. She definitely had some severe situational depression during the past several months. She was apparently diagnosed for PTSD related to either a past assault or perhaps from the abortion. I honestly can’t imagine waking up in the morning…feeding, dressing and taking care of your six-month old infant…then dropping him off at daycare…going to the clinic…having an abortion…then picking up your 6-month old child from daycare…going home…and having to cope with that decision. It all seems counter to a mother’s instinct after just giving birth 6-months prior. She was very into her first pregnancy and followed the fetal development closely. That lost child and our youngest child were conceived about the same time and would have birthdays very close to one another.

 

The abortion was most certainly to prevent discovery and the negative consequences. She could have been prosecuted under the Uniform Code of Military Justice for adultery and there wouldn’t be much of a defense with her husband half-way around the world in a combat zone. There obviously would be a lot of embarrassment for her too as she was well known in the immediate military circles and with her family since the affair was just 12-months after the honeymoon. Most of her actions are very self-centered and without remorse. The OM from 2006 stated she had a plan and was going to carry out the plan. He, I believe based on his statements, wanted to keep the baby. What I don’t understand is why that event didn’t wake her up to stop the affair. She still continued for 7-8 more months.

 

I was tested for STDs but she refused to be tested. I do wholeheartedly believe the children are mine based upon timing and their looks but it may be wise to check.

 

Right now the boss’ job is intact as part of the legal posturing. In our state, it is possible to name him in the divorce complaint and have him served. I did leave the boss a calm voicemail letting him know that I knew and to please give me a call so we could discuss the situation man to man. But, out of all the guys that have slept with my wife, he is the only one that did not have the guts to at least return my call. However, based on an irate phone call my wife made to me where I had to call for a civil standby with the local sheriff, I believe someone told his wife. She accused me of doing it. The company they work for is not that large and I imagine people suspect something.

 

 

I actually filed for divorce within 10-days of the PIs catching her and the divorce continues to progress through the legal system. It’s been almost 4-months since she left the house and I hope that I succeed in remaining the primary custodial parent for the boys’ sake.

[FanFan]

Two questions:

 

1) Why haven't you told the boss' wife to ensure that she knows and not having doubts that it's just a rumor?

 

2) Why hasn't the boss lost his job?

Edited September 25, 2010 by FanFan

[lostsunsets]

It sounds like you making all the right decisions. Do not let this train wreck back in you life. Your child needs at least one normal parent if she is going to have a chance. Your STBXW will have and endless procession of men in her life. I think if you can show all the proof you have in court, you have a chance a for custody. Good luck.

[AWM66]

Informing their corporate HQ has been an option but it looked like this mess could be settled uncontested and without an expensive divorce trial. Going to corporate and exposing the affair would probably result in both of them losing their jobs since he is obviously in a position of authority and she is in the HR field and both of them should know better.

 

They also used corporate assets for the affair and she attended those unnecessary business trips to be his mistress, which probably incurred additional expense to the company. And although she states it was the “only” time they slept together when they were caught and further said he came on to her after he called her down to his hotel room to work, she refused to file a sexual harassment claim against him. That tells me there is a lot more to the story and there was mutual consent. Her losing her job would adversely affect the child support I have been receiving since she left the home.

 

I have struggled for the past several months with whether to speak to the boss’ wife or not and provide proof. It would be good to compare notes about the affair with her observations. The boss and his wife do have a son in his early 20s, so the wrecking of another family with small children is not a concern. I feel she has every right to know especially since I believe they continue to see each other and they certainly still must work together and will have to attend legitimate business trips together in the future. When confronted, my STBEX refused to cut it off with the boss, continued the communication with him, and got an apartment essentially on the route he takes to and from work when she moved out. That was very convenient. Given her mental dx, it wouldn’t really surprise me if she thinks she is in love with him. After all, she did leave her children rather than end the relationship. I think she thought the same thing about her paramour in 2006 too based on the cell records. Even if they are not seeing each other at the moment and have taken a hiatus to get past the divorce, it could reignite at anytime in the future. I wonder too if he finally kicked her to the curb and that is why she has been trying to come back the past couple of weeks?

 

If I were the boss’ wife, I would definitely want to know, especially when I think about the future business trips or corporate events like Family Picnics and Christmas parties. They will both be looking at the betrayed wife at these functions and probably snickering behind her back about this affair that they have carried on under her nose. The PIs also felt through their observations of his actions that it was probably not the boss' first affair, so he is likely a serial cheater like my STBEX. It has taken restraint on my part not to say anything to his wife. The reason why I have not is that we initially settled all aspects of the divorce and were in a mandatory waiting period before it became a court order. Informing the wife may have caused my STBEX to get angry, lawyer up, and generally be a bigger pain. That was the plan anyway.

 

Now, at the last minute however, my STBEX has filed a motion trying to have that agreement thrown out and there will be a hearing on the validity of her motion. That raises the notion again of informing the boss’ wife since what I was trying to avoid has already happened. If the agreement is tossed out, then we will probably be at ground zero again anyway and likely headed to a full blown divorce trial. At that point, everything could be exposed.

 

And does the boss' wife want to know? Nobody really knows but her. It is my understanding she hasn't worked outside the home for 20+ years. Regardless, I personally feel it is my duty to provide the information to her. She can chose to believe it or not; or take action or not. Her choice.

 

The question seems to be whether there is anything to lose by telling the boss’ wife now that the agreement has been challenged or wait until the hearing is over?

 

Thoughts?

[The_411]

1. I'd bet a whole lot of money that she has Borderline Personality Disorder

2. I would look for a dviorce who specializes in high conflict divorce as this will get very nasty.

3. write everything down no verbal agreements

[AWM66]

Well, I got the real answer on just how serious she was about reconciliation and the convenience factor of her apartment choice. For the past 3 weeks I have been bombarded with phone calls, texts, and emails from her voicing her desire to reconcile...things like "Are we really really over at this point?", "I really want to talk about this", "I am serious", "I want to say we tried", "Please I really want to talk", etc.

 

I brushed them all off and challenged her on it all being a ruse to get me to drop the divorce complaint. She assured me it was not and that she was very serious. In her usual self, she even threw in a few gaslighting statements like "you are reading way too much into this", "what would I have to gain from trickery?", "what are you talking about?", etc. She even offered to set up a counseling appointment for "us".

 

The last communication I received was just days ago and low and behold, as I drive by her place yesterday (my regular route) after picking up our sons from daycare, who is exiting her apartment? Her boss. He stopped by after work for a quickie before heading home to his wife. He hasn't kicked her to the curb and they have continued this affair for 7-months at this point, even after getting caught.

 

Talk about attempted manipulation, her true character, and her lack of control or ability to be alone.

[In Like Flynn]

I hate to say it but run for the hills. Also I hope you have taken DNA tests for you kids!!! They can look like you and still belong to another man.

[Bryanp]

Enough is enough. She continues to try to play you for a fool. I do hope that you have contacted the OM's wife. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[yessy21]

she is the type of woman that makes good men gooo bad. ur children dont deserve this. she probrably just doesnt want to pay child support. make her pay for everything she did. u deserve better. start trying to look ur best. and find urself a good woman. make her regret it all. one day shes gonna wake up alone and realize she was being used. by this married man that will never leave his wife. or any other one. she damaged those kids lives. they might even grow up to not trust women and become serial cheaters themselves.

[jnj express]

As to the Boss' wife---she has a right to know what scum her H. is----She may already know---but that is besides the point---you DO NEED TO TELL HER

 

If this were reversed you surely would want to know---so you could make informed decisions about the rest of your life----tell the boss" wife----

 

Do not at this point talk to corporate, as you want your wife to keep her job----especially when it comes to the divorce, and custody settlements

[Joe Normal]

You are still falling for her games. Don't be naive and expect an uncontested divorce - maybe that will happen but it's folly to count on it. You need to go loaded for bear and prepare for a showdown, she may well change her mind at the last minute and go hostile.

 

If I were you, I would also get a website registered in her name and that of her boss, or a combination, and be ready to "go live" with full details and evidence of the affair. Upload video clips from the PIs, scans of the reports, and so on, everything you can legally do. Then, if she tries to pull a stunt, reveal you will publish the site publicly if she tries any games, then say you'll contact the media (talk shows, Cheaters, etc) and make it blow up, that she and her boss will never get hired above minimum wage or have a serious relationship again since your web page will be all over their names under google search. Let her know you will keep tabs on her and in future years send letters to her new neighbours, lovers and employers to let them know what she's really like. And say she can do it the hard way, or give you all your demands in divorce court and you will go easy on her.

 

You should pretty much have her and her lawyer over a barrel there. Just double check it's all 100% legally watertight with your lawyer first. Then, after you get your divorce, and everything is tied up, tell the other guy's wife, the company, and encourage the corporate head office to get them both jailed for embezzlement.

 

If it sounds harsh, remember what she did, the baby she killed, the STDs she risked giving to you, the fact that you don't know 100% if your kids are really yours, the innocent wife getting cheated on for years with many mistresses, and the company getting fleeced by these two pieces of human detritus. I can't imagine they treat customers loyally either. Best that they disappear into the underclass and preferably jail, where they belong.

[AWM66]

Well, today is one year ago that we signed the agreements to settle out of court. It did not quite go that way but I am happy to report that even after a 9-month delay and a court hearing, I prevailed. I retained primary custody of our two boys and the divorce is now final. The patience and legal waiting paid off.

 

The hearing was quite telling in that she tried to say how I am a bad father and other things. My attorney and I were well prepared with vast amounts of evidence and two PIs in the back of the court room ready to testify. In the end, we did not need any of it and I did not even testify. Everything was decided on her testimony and cross-examination alone.

 

Weirdly, she contacted me a few days after the final divorce hearing and wanted to know if I would go to counseling with her because as she put it, "It would be good for us and she believes there is animosity between us." Wow! Seriously? After 3 affairs; an abortion; making false allegations; filing a motion making me out to be a terrible husband who forced her out of the house; filing a counter-suit suing me for divorce, alimony, full custody, and child support; alleging fraud, blackmail, and coercion; and then taking the stand and saying I am a bad father? Now she thinks we'll just be friends? Double Wow! Good luck to the next guy she gets her hooks into...

 

And by the way I think she is still sleeping with her boss.

 

Anyway, I am glad the painful and arduous event is finally over and thank you for all the comments and advice.

[Bryanp]

I am happy that things mostly worked out for you. You now should immediately contact the OM's wife. You know you need to do this. It is very unfair of you not to expose this to her. Good luck.