Frustrations are building...

[KikiW]

I know "this too shall pass" and everything will work out as it should and things will be fine, but my stress levels are raising and I need to vent, BADLY.

 

Decided on small wedding in November, in North Carolina which is halfway between New Jersey and Alabama so both families will drive equal distance and no one has to bear brunt of travel costs. Us, moms, daughters. Of course he felt obligated to invite his brother, who is married and has a son, so obviously they are invited. Not sure if they are coming yet. Assumed me, fiance, daughter and mother will drive down together, his daughter and mother will drive up (with brother and his family if they are coming).

 

Last night my mother asks me if she can bring her new boyfriend. You see, they are IN LOOOOOOOOVE. She has known him for 3 weeks. I have met him a couple times and he seems nice enough but I don't freakin know him, not to mention I want to throw up in my mouth when I see them together (the PDA is weirding me out, yes I know that will calm down I am just weirded our right now). At first I was a deer in headlights and was like "I suppose... but please understand I need you to help with my daughter..." I could tell that she was already spinning her mental wheels into making this a romantic getaway for them and I just reminded her that I might need someone to look after my kid while I'm, you know, GETTING READY TO GET MARRIED, MAYBE HAVING A WEDDING NIGHT CELEBRATION WITH MY NEW HUSBAND? At that point I backtracked and said "we'll need to talk about this later..."

 

This was the whipped cream on top (cherry is still out there somewhere, I am sure of it) of going to about 2 dozen stores looking for dresses for our daughters... mine is 10 years old, his is 13. Mine wears size 10 dress, his wears a size 16 adult. Not sure if you know this, but finding dresses that look vaguely similar for a tween and an adult sized girl is FREAKING IMPOSSIBLE, unless you want to spend hundreds of dollars at a bridal shop which we cannot possibly afford. We even abandoned looking for burgundy dresses and going with simple black dresses that we could get burgundy material at a fabric shop to add some color with. Couldn't even find black dresses!!! WHAT?? REALLY? By the end of Saturday (my 4rd day going around to stores, my fiance's second and BOY WAS HE DONE), we got dress patterns and fabric at the fabric store, and I am just going to sew the damn things myself.

 

Then there is the photographer. I did not have pro photos of my first wedding and it was the only thing I regretted. I wanted, if absolutely nothing else, to get ONE photo of us on our wedding day. I do not need pictures of me putting on the dress. I do not need pictures of the restaurant we are going to go eat at after the ceremony. I do not need an album made. I need someone for an hour to take a few pics of us standing over here at the waterfall, over here by the rustic mill, a few pics of the ceremony, throw them on a CD and that's it. So far the cheapest I have found is $800.

 

I haven't even looked into accomodations but at this point a step up from roach motel is fine by me - not even sure if everyone expects us to pay for their accomodations. I assume so. I also assume that we will be footing the bill for the restaurant.

 

Friends and family who know we are doing this have asked if I am having a shower. I personally don't want to because we already have an apartment full of items and don't really need anything else, and besides no one else is coming to the ceremony so it feels gift-grubby to have a shower. Quite frankly the thing we need most is cash but obviously I would never say that to anyone.

 

Ok, sorry, just needed to get this off my chest.

Edited September 20, 2010 by KikiW

[BlackLovely]

New love is selfish by nature. Most people tend to forget the rest of the world when they fall "in love" and I use this in quotes because I don't believe that people can be in love in less than a month. I'm not sure why the PDA makes you sick; I think it's natural to want to be affectionate with whomever one is dating. Do you think that your mother will help you out after all? Let me know what happens.

 

I envy people with crafty skills. I hope the dresses turn out well mama.

 

I hate to say it, but talented wedding photographers don't come cheap. I tried to be thrify with that aspect. I was very nervous to let inexperienced students shoot my wedding. Their work was horrid, even though the prices were low. We decided to splurge a little and I daresay you may need to as well, dear. Even $800 dollars is suspiciously low.

 

Uh, yes, since you are hosting, you will be responsible for the food and the accomodations. I hope you never even considered asking people to pay for their own food!

 

When you are seeking cash gifts, word of mouth is appropriate. This means you tell your family, he tells his and they spread the word. My family is Jamaican and sometimes I cringe when I see how uncouth Jamaicans can be. Many of them think nothing of actually writing "Monetary gifts preferred" on an invitation, or giving the couple $20.

 

I hope everything turns out well for you. It's so nice to finally hear of another bride that has a small budget. Other brides post about their beautiful, expensive weddings and luxury honeymoons. It used to make me cry, but now I find that as my little thing gets closer, I get more excited. Less than two weeks to go now...

[KikiW]

No i would never suggest that people give us money, and I would never ask anyone to help us out with anything, except that I may buckle and see if my mother can help with the photographer, since she asked what she could give me as a wedding gift and I honestly had no answer since we really have everything we need. The only thing about the photographer price I don't get is that a 6 hour gig is $2000. That assumes photos before the wedding where she takes pictures of all the bridesmaids, the bride getting ready, and going off to the church or wherever they go. Then pics of the wedding itself, the guests, the leaving of the church to go to the reception. Then formal shots of the bridal party, of the parents and siblings, whathaveyou. Then pics of the reception and all the guests there. I get that's a lot of work, hauling gear to at least 3 different places, etc. and if I was having that kind of wedding I would pay it. But I am just surprised that 2 hours at the same location is $800. That's not to say I don't want to pay for time and talent, I am just at a loss as to how to pay for it.

 

If I had more time to save money I would go for it, but we are at about 6 weeks away now. I still have the officiant to pay for ($350), I have travel and room and board to pay for (at least $700), plus the dinner afterwards ($350-400 if his brother comes with his family). I have very little wiggle room on my credit card (kept trying to pay it down and then SOMETHING would come up, grr).

 

I have no shoes to wear with my dress (at this point, barefoot?), I haven't found jewelry to wear (although I am thinking of simply rummaging through my own jewelry at this point and hoping I can find stuff to make work). I plan on doing my own hair, makeup and nails, and will do the girls' hair myself as well. I desperately need a hair cut and color, which will cost me about $120 (I have very long hair and often color it myself but since I'm no pro it can be uneven, I'd rather not do that for my wedding).

 

 

All of this is also happening at the same time both girls have their birthdays (one I am hosting), his nephews birthday, a baby shower, a surprise 40th wedding anniversary party, and I am sure something else I am forgetting because I will just start panicking if I do.

 

*breathing*

[New Again]

As far as the photographer is concerned, they need to prep for the event (check lighting and location and so on, and plan some shots), do the photography for 2 hours at the event, then spend however long in post-production to touch up the photos. Agree that it is ridiculously expensive.

 

You probably don't have too much time on your hands, but if you do, and your mom doesn't help out with a photographer, you might be able to check out some photography blogs and social networking sites, and see if you can find someone who does event photography, you like their portfolio, but is kind of starting out and would give you a discount for the opportunity to get more experience and build their portfolio.

 

I was a second shooter at a wedding recently, and did it for free to get experience and build my portfolio - but the other photographer, who was a friend of the family and was giving them a discount still charged $1000.

 

I'm sorry this whole process is so stressful for you

[Stung]

Sorry, Kiki. I had a lot of things go wrong and require last minute plan-shuffling before my little wedding, too. What can I say, wedding planning is really stressful and it can suck the life right out of you. All I can say is try to remain focused on the joy of the event and don't let yourself get too negative, you want to be able to enjoy the day even if it's not exactly how you wanted it. Also if you are unable to find stuff in person you might want to consider looking online, Zappos, Etsy, even E-Bay can help with stuff like shoes and jewelry, maybe even dressed for the girls. I commissioned a woman on Etsy to make a pearl headband for my own wedding because I wanted something simple and appropriate for a beach/woods setting (i.e. NOT a tiara or a long veil). New Again's suggestion for looking for a photographer sounds good, too.

[carhill]

OP, here's what myself and my ex did for a 'cheap' wedding in Hawaii wrt your OP....

 

We rented a house and had the ceremony (small, just family) overlooking the water in the backyard. Our guests contributed 250.00 each for the 10 days, or 25.00 per day. The house rent was $5K for that period. I provided the rental vehicles. We paid for the wedding dinner. My ex and I found a local photographer and florist, as well as a wedding official. Wonderful pictures on large format film, including giving us the negatives and selected pictures the day after the wedding, cost 500.00, much cheaper and far faster than other quotes we had received. The flowers (wedding bouquet and haiku) were under 100.00. Dinner for everyone cost about 500.00 including drinks at a local restaurant with a beautiful ocean view. This was ten years ago last month.

 

My opinion on your situation:

 

Mom and whoever she deems to be her SO are invited. There's no question about that. She's your mother.

 

Get local referrals for a photog. Ours came from landlords we queried when renting our house, as well as from internet (new at that time) forums.

 

Good on you for sewing dresses. That's a real gift. Shift some other responsibilities to your fiance to compensate.

 

Guests of course pay for their own accommodations and travel expenses. I've been to dozens of weddings and not once have the betrothed paid my hotel. I can't imagine a guest even broaching that subject, at least not a guest I'd want to invite to my wedding. If they can't afford to come, they can send regrets. The only exception I would make (perhaps you would not) would be for my mother (we helped out my ex'es mother in that regard, due to her financial situation).

 

You provide a wedding dinner within your means and budget. That could be anything from a backyard pot-luck to a catered extravaganza. Assuming other than a pot-luck, you pay. Guests bring wedding gifts

 

My last advice is to take the process one day and one item at a time. You're in charge. Don't forget that, and don't forget you and your betrothed are a team. This is a time to make that teamwork a key to your success. Marriage will bring you plenty of challenges and IMO this (teamwork) is pivotal to marital success, presuming compatibility.

 

Best wishes for a long and loving marriage

[KikiW]

Thanks everyone, for all your advice. I am absolutely certain that things will work out fine, and I know I will just have to roll with whatever last minute changes will have to happen (my big fear is rain right now... rained my first wedding with a planned outdoor ceremony, hoping I get a nicer day this time).

 

I hate to come across as nickle and diming everything. I don't want to be that way, really, but my fiance is the "breadwinner" right now, and while I get some support from my ex, my fiance also pays child support so it's pretty much a wash with living expenses counted in.

 

His family lost everything in Katrina, and he lost his dad 6 months after that to a heart attack brought on by stress - they had no flood insurance and have had to start over from scratch. They have struggled to stay ahead, so i know my fiance wants to try to ease some of their financial burden which is why I am stressing about paying for hotel rooms for everyone. It's entirely possible that none of them expect us to pay for that, but it's hard to come right out and be like "sooooo, are you paying for your hotel or are we?" you know?

 

My mom, on the other hand, lives pretty comfortably, but has made vague offerings of helping out with sewing the dresses, so I am uncomfortable asking for money. I did cave and say that I could use help with the photographer if she wanted to give that as a gift - gave her the gal's name and website so she could see her work. Told her I was talking to her about what we would want and asking for a quote that would work for her. Got a short "Ok just let me know".

 

My dress came in and I realized I was going to have to buy a steamer - if I get it pressed it will just get wrinkled on the car trip down, and I don't want to take the chance it doesn't get back from a place down there in time. Found a $30 model that reviews said seemed to work well. Just another expense to add to the pile of "things I didn't expect"...

 

I guess what I am really hoping for is that on the day I get married, I don't care anymore. I mean to say that I don't care if the shoes might peek out from under the dress because I had to get the regular length instead of the long. I don't care if my future somebody-in-law thinks I didn't pay them enough attention at the dinner the night before. I don't care if it's overcast. I don't care if the flowers are fake instead of real or wonder if they will look that way in a picture. I don't care if I look like a whale in my fru-fru wedding dress. I just want to let all the stress go that day and really live the moment, and I am afraid all the stress won't go away by then.

 

(I'll be fine, I'm coming down off the ledge now...

[Els]

Honey, I always used to wonder why brides stress the small stuff. Why does a wedding have to be perfect for spectators' eyes?? It's supposed to be the happiest day of YOUR life, so make it about you! When you look back at pictures, I doubt you will notice the flowers being fake, or your dress being too short, etc, when you see the look of radiance and happiness on your own face. And I doubt anyone who matters, will really care about all that, when they see how happy you and your H are.

[KikiW]

I stress some of the small stuff because I know it makes a difference, but I am not stressing ALL of the small stuff anymore.

 

Fiance was told this weekend that his brother (after trying to find out for over a week), his wife and son won't be coming because they don't know what to do with the dogs. His mother mentioned that his brother was upset that fiance didn't tell him personally that he and I got engaged, which would hold water except that his brother didn't have the same cell phone number (they usually pick up those disposable, prepaid ones, use them up then get a new one) so he actually COULDN'T call him. Personally, I think his brother is angry with him for leaving... intellectually I am sure he understands, but fiance has always been the responsible brother, the one that makes things happen and gets things done, the one everyone can depend on, the one everyone can call when they want something. Brother has been on disability for years (he's not an invalid, but he hurt his knee on the job, then gained like 150 pounds and that was the end of that), living in a now-dilapidated house purchased by their father that he never paid rent on, not doing much to contribute. I think on some level, his brother is feeling like an abandoned child.

 

So now THIS is adding a new level of stress to the situation.

 

On a bright note, I got my daughter's dress done this weekend. It's been a long time since I did any sewing and I made a few mistakes, but overall I think it came out well and my daughter loves it . I think the thing that made me happiest was discovering a hem foot in among the sewing machine attachments! I got a 1955 Singer just like my mothers because I had grown up using it and am used to it. Found one online and it came with all kinds of attachments and the hemmer was one of them. Thank GOODNESS too, I have no idea how I would have gotten it done without it.

 

And of course there's my mother, I can't tell if she's angry with me or just off with her new boyfriend. I've had very little contact with her over the past week or so. Sorry Carhill, I completely disagree with her bringing whoever she wants. This wasn't an open wedding where there at 40 guests and +1s. Not even my own father or half-sister is invited. She's not paying for anything to do with the wedding, except some of the photographer's cost as a wedding gift. So if she brings him, is he going to get his own hotel room? Because if she expected him to stay with her, where is my 10 year old daughter staying? Not in the same room! Ugh, I wish she had just not asked in the first place.

 

Off to start my week...