Marriage from an LDR not working out

[condor]

Hello,

 

We have been married about 3.5 years with my wife moving to europe from the USA. Since her profession is not transferrable here she has tried various professions similar but not quiet. All of them havent quite worked out since she didnt realise that people can be mischievous and employers can screw you over here. She is really a bad judge of character and ignores my advice. Well things are coming to the point where a decision has to be made. We would like to start a family but since even my salary alone does not cover us plus a family...let alone cover us + own home, I am trying to decide for our future. My relatives/close friends tell me that she is trying to control you and move to the states. Moving there has the advantage since we can both work there and have a family (with her parents looking after our kids). When we had met in the beginning she mentioned on our second LDR visit that she was married previously and only once she was at the checkpoint at the airport.

 

She is pretty much ok (supposedly) with going somewhere but feels that she needs to work as well since her parents really struggled in their past to raise them. This has gotten her to ignore any advice to be very very stubborn and not able to handle critisicm.

 

There are many issues that have complicated our marriage and that have not been dealt at the correct time, where it would have been easier. She lied about smoking previously and during our marriage. I am wondering whether or not i have taken a backseat to our marriage and not done some serious change to fix/correct things.

 

Some thoughts would be appreciated.

 

thanks

c

[aerogurl87]

Well this isn't as simple as telling you to break up with her since you are married. What I want to know is how much time did you actually spend with her in person before marrying her and also how did you two spend your time together? Did you actually stay with her in her home or did you always rent a hotel and when did these lies pop up? Was it after you were married or before?

 

Anyway, if she doesn't want to leave the US then that's not selfish technically, especially since you said she wouldn't be able to find a job where you live. That's just her being practical, especially considering you said that you can't afford to take care of the both of you.

[condor]

I dont know if it was clear but she left the usa to be with me in europe. Her family is still in the states and my family is another completely different continent.

 

Our timeline is as follows:

 

June 2005 - Started chatting online where she initiated

Sept 2005 - She came to europe for holiday to meet me.Stayed with me for about week

Oct 2005 - We met at another location for a long weekend. This is where she told she had a wedding before.

Jan 2005 - I went to the states. Met family etc. Stayed at her place

May 2005 - Went to states

Nov 2005 - She moved to be with me.

---She gave me a deadline of October 2006 of seeing a ring otherwise she leaves.

Feb 2006 - She find work in similar profession

May 2006 - I propose and she accepts

June 2006 - Quits work and finds a job in a similar profession.Less hours

Feb 2007 - Quits work as her boss becomes "psychotic".

Mar 2007 - Completely new profession (aesthetics).

June 2007 - We get Married

Aug 2007 - Quits work as not being paid and not a profession to make money

Sep 2008 - New work (aesthetics). Paid for training but got schnied as we didnt see any return (i.e. paper etc)

Dec 2008 - Changes job as not been paid.

Feb 2009 - Finds new work with lots of travel ...2wks out of country.

Mar 2010 - Quits work to work for overseas office ...2-3 wks out of country.

 

thanks c

[aerogurl87]

Ok that's a lot more useful so thanks. But I see a couple of red flags in this timeline, in addition to some stuff that doesn't exactly add up. 1) You said she didn't tell you she was married before, until after your second visit. That's a big thing, why didn't she tell you about that either on your first visit or before you met? Also why did her marriage end is something to think about. 2) She finds two jobs in a row that don't pay her? Ok one I can understand, but two sounds a bit fishy to me. 3) Why does she want this job that keeps her out of the country so much with all the travel? Is it the only job she can find that makes enough or are there other jobs available that she could work at that would keep her home more? 4) She's a liar. I went back and read one of your previous threads about her lying about smoking to you. I personally would find that to be a dealbreaker before marriage and if you told her this before you were married and she hid it until then, then that shows to me that she's somewhat manipulative. Also the deadline for marriage sounds somewhat manipulative also. I have a personal deadline for when my boyfriend and I should be engaged, but I wouldn't tell him he had till "x date" to put a ring on my finger.

 

But as I said before, you married her which makes things more complicated. I'd try marriage counseling and if that fails and the lies prevail then maybe you should separate.

[condor]

Thanks aerogurl87 for the reply. Well she had previous marriage annulled about after 8 months. She said it was because the guy was verbally/physically abusive.

 

As for travelling, in the beginning i was given the impression to pay off debt from buying from ebay etc...But with strict budget she could have wiped it at no time. So the real truth could be that she is avoiding this place.

 

Well i picked something fishy (smoking) around Dec 2008. Confrontation happened after i noticed her unpacking her bag from a recent trip around March 2009 where there was a box. She told me, this is for incase you dont do anything about our situation. Real confrontation happened around June/July 2009.

 

Yesterday i asked her when i got home if she had smoke. She had this blank stare on her face. I asked one ? she said yes. I said ok. I told her you cant expect me to kiss you on the lips. Told her tomorrow morning when your breath is better. Which i did. I told her no lies, just tell me. Live up to your choice.

 

She says moving to the states is the logical choice. I am wondering now whether this was her agenda right from the beginning and she knew how tied to this place i was.

 

I really want to know if moving there will solve our situation, that there isnt something else fundamentally wrong with our relationship, that cant be fixed.

 

c

Edited September 22, 2010 by condor

[durkadurka]

Thanks aerogurl87 for the reply. Well she had previous marriage annulled about after 8 months. She said it was because the guy was verbally/physically abusive.

 

As for travelling, in the beginning i was given the impression to pay off debt from buying from ebay etc...But with strict budget she could have wiped it at no time. So the real truth could be that she is avoiding this place.

 

Well i picked something fishy (smoking) around Dec 2008. Confrontation happened after i noticed her unpacking her bag from a recent trip around March 2009 where there was a box. She told me, this is for incase you dont do anything about our situation. Real confrontation happened around June/July 2009.

 

Yesterday i asked her when i got home if she had smoke. She had this blank stare on her face. I asked one ? she said yes. I said ok. I told her you cant expect me to kiss you on the lips. Told her tomorrow morning when your breath is better. Which i did. I told her no lies, just tell me. Live up to your choice.

 

She says moving to the states is the logical choice. I am wondering now whether this was her agenda right from the beginning and she knew how tied to this place i was.

 

I really want to know if moving there will solve our situation, that there isnt something else fundamentally wrong with our relationship, that cant be fixed.

 

c

 

Moving to the states right now is about as logical as sticking a 12 gauge in your mouth.

 

 

If you guys are having a hard time in Europe, it's equally, if not more difficult to get a job in the States.

 

Oh, and good luck getting a Visa. With conditions being what they are even married couples are having a hard time getting Visa's for their immigrant SO to work.

 

But honestly, aside from the fact your wife's reason for wanting to go back to the states is ill thought out, you come off as a bit of a condescending ass.

[aerogurl87]

Moving to the states right now is about as logical as sticking a 12 gauge in your mouth.

 

 

If you guys are having a hard time in Europe, it's equally, if not more difficult to get a job in the States.

 

Oh, and good luck getting a Visa. With conditions being what they are even married couples are having a hard time getting Visa's for their immigrant SO to work.

 

But honestly, aside from the fact your wife's reason for wanting to go back to the states is ill thought out, you come off as a bit of a condescending ass.

 

I agree with durkadurka, well except for that last sentence. Coming to the US and trying to get a visa here is near impossible unless you have a job that is extremely high in demand here. It's one of the reasons why my boyfriend and I plan to live up in Canada where he is now when we live together (I'm from the US). Secondly, she probably did have all this planned out from the beginning, hence why I said she sounded manipulative. The job situation does sound like she's doing it to be away from where you live more, for whatever reasons she has. And I'm sure she'll suddenly decide if you say you'll move to the Sates, that she can find a job that keeps her home and possibly quit smoking. It's all a ploy to get you to do things her way. Honestly I wouldn't want to be married to someone like that since marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You two need counseling and like I said before if that doesn't work I'd let her go back to the US and get a separation if you feel like she's trying to manipulate everything to her advantage.

[durkadurka]

I agree with durkadurka, well except for that last sentence. Coming to the US and trying to get a visa here is near impossible unless you have a job that is extremely high in demand here. It's one of the reasons why my boyfriend and I plan to live up in Canada where he is now when we live together (I'm from the US). Secondly, she probably did have all this planned out from the beginning, hence why I said she sounded manipulative. The job situation does sound like she's doing it to be away from where you live more, for whatever reasons she has. And I'm sure she'll suddenly decide if you say you'll move to the Sates, that she can find a job that keeps her home and possibly quit smoking. It's all a ploy to get you to do things her way. Honestly I wouldn't want to be married to someone like that since marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You two need counseling and like I said before if that doesn't work I'd let her go back to the US and get a separation if you feel like she's trying to manipulate everything to her advantage.

 

 

What I meant by the last line wasn't that it wasn't thought out, it seems like it has been, but that it is ill conceived in the sense that it's a BAD idea.

[Romance]

Holy cow you two moved quickly!! That could be the issue..

[aerogurl87]

Holy cow you two moved quickly!! That could be the issue..

 

How did they move quickly? They dated for a little over a year before she said she wanted a ring. Then they lived together for a few months before getting married, sounds like a decent pace to me.

[Romance]

How did they move quickly? They dated for a little over a year before she said she wanted a ring. Then they lived together for a few months before getting married, sounds like a decent pace to me.

 

A year? A year is not very much time. And DEMANDING a ring? Geesh. A year is nothing

 

And she met him in what, june? and moved in november to live near him? Talk about changing your life drastically in such a short time.

[nicole430]

AeroGurl, she asked for a ring within a year after only 5 months of meeting online. I agree and believe that they did rather quickly. I also think that not only is she looking for "work" out of the country and in the states but also perhaps a place to move. She might be planning everything ahead of time and then once she finds a place she will leave you and be gone. i wouldnt trust her one bit.

[aerogurl87]

A year? A year is not very much time. And DEMANDING a ring? Geesh. A year is nothing

 

And she met him in what, june? and moved in november to live near him? Talk about changing your life drastically in such a short time.

 

I already said the demanding of a ring showed she was manipulative to some extent. She met him in June and moved to be with him in November, but rereading that timeline something is awry with the timing. Anyway, yeah I don't think a year is a short amount of time to be wanting to get ready to spend your life with someone, especially depending on what the OPs age is and I gather he's older and more settled in his life and his wife is also probably. June to November of the next year, as the timeline implies considering it goes through January but maintains the same year , would be 17 months. Now maybe the OP made a mistake in his chronology but I'd think close to two years would be a good time to end the distance in a LDR.

[condor]

Thanks for all the replies. Looking at the timeline, i made a mistake in the years.

 

Our timeline is as follows:

 

June 2005 - Started chatting online where she initiated

Sept 2005 - She came to europe for holiday to meet me.Stayed with me for about week

Oct 2005 - We met at another location for a long weekend. This is where she told she had a wedding before.

Jan 2006 - I went to the states. Met family etc. Stayed at her place

May 2006 - Went to states

Nov 2006 - She moved to be with me.

---She gave me a deadline of October 2006 of seeing a ring otherwise she leaves.

Feb 2007 - She find work in similar profession

May 2007 - I propose and she accepts

June 2007 - Quits work and finds a job in a similar profession.Less hours

Feb 2008 - Quits work as her boss becomes "psychotic".

Mar 2008 - Completely new profession (aesthetics).

June 2008 - We get Married

Aug 2008 - Quits work as not being paid and not a profession to make money

Sep 2008 - New work (aesthetics). Paid for training but got schnied as we didnt see any return (i.e. paper etc)

Dec 2008 - Changes job as not been paid.

Feb 2009 - Finds new work with lots of travel ...2wks out of country per month

Mar 2010 - Quits work to work for overseas office ...2-3 wks out of country.

 

I was thinking to myself , that just maybe my reluctance is partially because it is not well though out move and her lying. How i am to be sure that our marriage doesnt fall apart when we go there. She is a very headstrong woman, has learnt to rely on herself. Definitely doesnt do self-criticism. Alot of the jobs were iffy from the start which i told her. And i told her the pitfalls. But she never listened. She tried to start a small business on the side with aesthetics, but i had told her to grow it organically and not buy equipment before you even had clientele. So a debt acrrued and thus the travelling offered a way of reducing the debt. So introspect i think i withdrew my caring with regards to her job/work.

 

c

[that girl]

I have a few questions about this whole thing:

 

How involved were you in her decision to move to Europe?

 

Was she able to work in Europe without getting married?

 

Do you love her? I see talk about whether or not she is controlling you and her smoking but no mention of how you feel about her as a person.

 

I understand why some people would be put off by the "demand" for a ring, but people set timelines for a lot of reasons. I don't think that a woman has to be willing to wait around endlessly in order to have good intentions. He could have always chosen to end the relationship.

 

Coming to the US and trying to get a visa here is near impossible unless you have a job that is extremely high in demand here.

If you're married to a US citzen the visa process is time consuming but not really difficult.

[condor]

Yes, she was able to work in Europe without getting married.

 

Yes i do love her...and so does she of me. We still have that "connection".

 

Sometime last year she mentiioned whether or not i would love her when we got kids. I told her yes off course...and then she said, people are not perfect. I was wondering after that comment a couple weeks ago whether the lying was to present herself as perfect because she was under the impression i wanted a perfect person.

 

i should have addressed these issues when they presented themselves rather than just letting them go...some kind of resentment has been built up.

 

c

[durkadurka]

I have a few questions about this whole thing:

 

How involved were you in her decision to move to Europe?

 

Was she able to work in Europe without getting married?

 

Do you love her? I see talk about whether or not she is controlling you and her smoking but no mention of how you feel about her as a person.

 

I understand why some people would be put off by the "demand" for a ring, but people set timelines for a lot of reasons. I don't think that a woman has to be willing to wait around endlessly in order to have good intentions. He could have always chosen to end the relationship.

 

 

If you're married to a US citzen the visa process is time consuming but not really difficult.

 

These days it is.

[aerogurl87]

Condor how old are you two? I'm curious for her to be going through a career crisis like this and then wanting to have kids in the future what your exact age or age range is.

[condor]

Hello,

 

@aerogurl87 - I am 34 and my wife is 31.

 

@durkadurka - When you say the process has become more difficult (spouse visa). It sounded like a straightforward process from reading online.

 

The lying has has gotten less. Now when i ask her, she tells me yes she has smoked. She also seen my reluctance in kissing her. Yesterday she called me up from her shopping trip that she bought an e-cig. So i figured this was a good thing in the right direction.

 

I realised over the past 2-3 days, it really was the lying that really bugged me. I am going to try on work on getting her to tell me truth. She left today for her work period. It was sad I feel we are entering a new chapter.

 

@aerogurl87 - Career crisis is more to switch to a career where there is more benefits as she doesnt want me to be the sole breadwinner. Together with telling me she would like to try for kids after 2 months, but her work requires compulsory travel so that is also complicated.

 

I am going to propose a plan for our future and something we can discuss/compromise over the next couple of weeks.

 

thanks

c

[durkadurka]

Hello,

 

@aerogurl87 - I am 34 and my wife is 31.

@durkadurka - When you say the process has become more difficult (spouse visa). It sounded like a straightforward process from reading online.

 

The lying has has gotten less. Now when i ask her, she tells me yes she has smoked. She also seen my reluctance in kissing her. Yesterday she called me up from her shopping trip that she bought an e-cig. So i figured this was a good thing in the right direction.

 

I realised over the past 2-3 days, it really was the lying that really bugged me. I am going to try on work on getting her to tell me truth. She left today for her work period. It was sad I feel we are entering a new chapter.

 

@aerogurl87 - Career crisis is more to switch to a career where there is more benefits as she doesnt want me to be the sole breadwinner. Together with telling me she would like to try for kids after 2 months, but her work requires compulsory travel so that is also complicated.

 

I am going to propose a plan for our future and something we can discuss/compromise over the next couple of weeks.

 

thanks

c

 

The process itself is not that difficult, whether you will be approved for a visa that will allow you to work is another issue completely.

[aerogurl87]

Well I'm happy the lying is becoming less and if she wants to plan to start having kids soon she will need to take another job that gives her more time to be home. Yes it is possible to have a career that keeps you always on the move while having kids but I'd assume she'd want to be home more with them.

[condor]

Just some following up questions:

 

1) I have read on the 'net about the maximum time into the pregnancy a woman can fly. But nowhere have i read of the frequency of the travel. Anybody have an inkling?

 

2) My wife has a habit of saying things or should i say throw things...which beg for an argument. I am wandering whether i should answer immediately, or question her at a later time, or keep my mouth shut. This is for a statement I dont fully understand. The feeling i get at the moment of the uttering, is complete dumbfoundedness.

 

thanks

c

[condor]

Hello...

 

My wife came back, but the plane had landed earlier. I got there at the scheduled time. She told me i dont care and she will be a cold-hearted woman from now on. I told her i should have maybe checked the time. So she used that to say yes you should have.

 

How do you show you care ? ...or care more ...I ask her tell me. She says to me i dont need to tell you...

 

maybe i should transfer this convo to the marriage section:)

 

your comments are appreciated...

thanks

c

[lizzibeth]

Just some following up questions:

 

1) I have read on the 'net about the maximum time into the pregnancy a woman can fly. But nowhere have i read of the frequency of the travel. Anybody have an inkling?

 

2) My wife has a habit of saying things or should i say throw things...which beg for an argument. I am wandering whether i should answer immediately, or question her at a later time, or keep my mouth shut. This is for a statement I dont fully understand. The feeling i get at the moment of the uttering, is complete dumbfoundedness.

 

thanks

c

 

I travel a lot for my job and always have. When I was pregnant with my son, I was only able to fly during my second trimester. That was 12 years ago though so things may have changed. I'm also sure that each case is different.

[newdawn]

Maybe some compromise is good.

 

Maybe you could apply for the Visa to the US and just see what happens. This might show her you are willing to work on the marriage, even if you have to change your life. She has changed her life for you, and it's not working, right? So time to try something new? If it falls through, at least you tried to explore the option of moving to her home country.

 

Not sure if you have access to Marriage Counseling where you are, but that would be a good idea too.

 

Best of luck to you, marriage often requires sacrifices be made by both parties to work out.