OMG Help ME! I discovered some really kinky stuff in my fiance's past.

[B-Low-Zero]

Ok, well, I'm glad i've stumbled onto this part of the internet because I am very perplexed. Basicly, I'm in love with a girl, we are engaged to be married next year. The problem is i have uncovered things from her past that arent sitting well in my stomach. Now I refrain from using this terminology but i can't help myself......basicly when i think of her past, I look at her as a slut. Here's why...

 

She's had 2 guys at once.

she's had 2 girls and a guy.

She's had a girlfriend who had a boyfriend whos friend needed action, so they all 4 hooked up and had sex in the same room.

She's slept with many people that I know.

 

I think ill stop now before I lose my head.

 

I know she absolutly loves me, I know she wouldn't cheat on me. But i can't seem to stomach this amount of sleeziness in her past.

 

How in the hell am I suppose to get over this. I mean I've read about some of you jealous about your lovers past and such but none of their pasts even come close to this.

 

 

 

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

[Benedict]

... then don't marry her. You almost answered your own question.

 

You say you uncovered... did she tell you, or did you go sluething and dig it up? For some, what she has participated in in earlier times is not such a concern. For others, - maybe you - it is. Nobody can answer that but you.

 

If you felt like you needed to snoop (assuming you did snoop) maybe there're more reasons than her past sexual encounters that you need to hold up.

[B-Low-Zero]

ya i guess uncovered was a little vague. She did in fact tell me.

 

Look, I mean I know the whole concept of finding the girl of your dreams and her being as virginal as you hoped for in this day and age is impossible. But...... what is too much???? I mean **** ( pardon my french ) There's gonna be people at our wedding that she slept with...... Shoudn't I have a problem with that?

[Arabess]

I don't know how long you two have been together, but if she's been faithful and makes you happy, then the past is just the past. People do things they regret later. Perhaps she didn't tell you because she was embarassed.

 

However, if YOU are having a problem with it....then it is a problem INDEED!

 

Either you need to work it out as to where you stand on this.....or let the relationship go. It all depends on which one mean more to you.

[cdn]

What I would want to know if I were in your siutation, is what has changed for your gf that her past actions are not predictive of her future behavior? Simply being love with you is not enough, imho.

 

Yes, many of us do things when we are younger that we won't do when we're older, but usually we can articulate this: I used to sleep around because I thought it was fun to do but then I realized that what I really want is to find one special person whom I will give my heart and body to. Or some such thing.

 

I'd also want to know how much distance -- time and emotion -- exists between the past (specifically: when she was engaged in the activities you listed) and now.

 

Basically, I would need some evidence that the person she was is not the person she is and that this is a deliberate and acknowledged change.

 

Good luck.

[Fritz]

I agree with the other posters. You need to figure out if this bothers you so much that you can't continue on and you need to see if those past actions are really in the past and not indicative of what might happen in the future.

 

Why care about the past and lose a chance at happiness and love if it really has no bearing on your relationship?

[spongebobsquareboobs]

WOW i feel like i am readig about my situation... it is hard to comprehend i know... I know how u feel after u learn certain things about ur partner an ur like whoaaaa... an it totally floors u an u dont know how to react to what was just said!!

 

 

I found out things like with 1 of my gf's ex she had a group orgy im like talkin 10 or more im like omg noway an EWWWWWW!!! :S being with another ex who was married an they was sleepin together an the girls husband had no idea. than another 1 of her ex gf's liked it when my gf would act out i guess rape scenes.. chase an tie up slappin an being ruff... that bothered me the most an now i am scared in away cause of learnin this

cause i was sexually assaulted 2, 1 at 11 yrs old an the other time just in oct.. so i am havin doubts about stayin with my gf.. an cause of the other things to.. so i guess we both have to make up our minds if we should stay with this person or move on, it wont be easy i can say that much!!! guess love can make or break a relationship in certain ways.. but just know ur not alone an if u need to talk feel free to do so ok!! Spongebobsquareboobs

[UCFKevin]

I'm very curious if those of you who say the past doesn't matter have ever had a situation like this before?

 

It's VERY easy to just say, "Ah, who cares, it's in the past, move on and be happy with her!" when you've never been in something like this before.

 

It's a mindf*ck, that's for sure, it would bother the hell out of me, too. And if it bothers you THAT much, don't let it go any further. You might get past it, and then again, you might not.

[jester]

This is easy: if her past makes you queasy or uneasy, then do not marry her. You'll just be miserable.

 

On the other hand, if you can bury her past, and won't get insecure and paranoid, then marry her.

 

From the panicked tone of your post, I'd think long and hard before tying the knot with her.

 

Sometimes the past has a way of coming back and biting you on the butt.

[moimeme]

I'm very curious if those of you who say the past doesn't matter have ever had a situation like this before?

 

One of my bfs had a pretty wild past. Key word is 'past'. Most of the stuff he did he did when he was fairly young. Not everybody develops good judgment early in life. Some folks have to come by it through trial and error. There is just no point in reliving somebody else's life in your mind when that person almost certainly does not.

 

To people who worry so much about stuff like this: do you spend hours mulling over and longing for your past? Because this is what you think your partner is doing. I seriously doubt very many people live in the past that way so there's no need to be threatened by someone's former life.

[spencer]

my disclaimer is "I believe you shouldn't be with anyone that you don't respect, or whos actions and morals you disagree with."

 

But ....

on the other hand she has lived life.......

like the porno many of the men on this forum seem to find harmless, fun and enjoy watching.

 

Double standards ....Hmmmmm.

 

thats my personal rant.

 

b-low-zero, this is not directed at you, sweetie.

What can she do about this that would change that way you feel?

What are her options, in your mind?

[jester]

Interesting point, spencer. I wonder how many of our porn boys would seriously date a porn actress?

[jmargel]

It all depends if they are remorseful for their past as well. If she thought the 2 guys were cool, and the orgy, etc.. and doesn't have any regrets then I would be concerned. If its something they don't like to talk about, and would rather forget then be with them on this & over time it will disappiate.

 

Its hard to talk to a mate about thier past without them feeling judgemental. I personally would never want to hear details about my fiancee's sex life. I wouldn't be able to look at her the same, the only thing she's told me is she's never had a 3 some, etc..

 

If she did have one, yea it would bother me. On how much it bothers me would be to what degree of regretfulness she has.

 

When you are with her one night, mention to her that to you 'You think of her as your first' and see if she replies the same way.

 

BTW I would never date a porn actress. I need to have someone who can experience new things with me in that way. Most porn actresses have done it all.

[B-Low-Zero]

Well, it's definatly hard.

 

She's told me she regrets it because of the way it makes me feel. She says that if she would have known at that time that it would make me feel this way today she wouldnt have done it.

 

A well, the fact is i love this girl. She isnt the same girl he used to be in respect of her sexual past.

 

Basicly to all you guys who are looking for a virginal Wife, and at the same time want a girl who is beautiful and a vixen in bed. LMAOOOO you'll never ever ever find one. Not in this day and age. Personally I think women are going bezerk sexually now that it's not frowned upon so much. go back 50 years and society would reject a women who had pre-maritial sex. Now a days..............................................................................................................................................

 

 

Thanks for all the info/suggestions and support, I appreciate it. Hopefully I'm a bigger man than this sexual past of hers.

 

Best of luck to all of you.

[B-Low-Zero]

oh and just another thing.

 

The comment in regards to men and their fixation on porn women. This is strickly arousal. Seeing people in the act turns them on. In no way shape or form does that mean they would like to date, be in a relationaship or marry a porn star. I for one would never.

 

Lol jsut had to clear that one up

 

Thanks again all.

 

 

Cheers

[clia]

Personally I think women are going bezerk sexually now that it's not frowned upon so much. go back 50 years and society would reject a women who had pre-maritial sex. Now a days..........

 

Hey, it takes two (or more!) to tango. Men aren't exactly innocent bystanders in all this...

[supermom]

Has she had an AIDs test? I'm not trying to sound judgemental, because I'm not that type (or I try not to be) but if I were in your shoes, and decided to get over it, I would definetly think about your health.

 

Just protect yourself okay?

 

Good luck

[fragileone]

Anything that she admits to you face to face about her sexual past; Is most likely just the tip of the iceberg, ESPECIALLY if she knows it will upset you.

Secondlly, your gut instincts arent insignificant: Your intuition is often right on target. 50% of marriages end up in divorce...It's better to take your time, trust yourself and choose well.

[fragileone]

Basicly to all you guys who are looking for a virginal Wife, and at the same time want a girl who is beautiful and a vixen in bed. LMAOOOO you'll never ever ever find one. Not in this day and age. Personally I think women are going bezerk sexually now that it's not frowned upon so much.

 

 

Sex can be learned through videos and books!

I'm very beautiful and I RESPECT myself. Im 18 and i've only had two partners (both of whom i had believed, to the best of my knowledge at the time, that i was "in love" with). I confidently believe im a vixen in the bedroom.

 

being sexually promiscuous and being passionatly good in bed Don't necessarily go hand in hand.

 

Honey, if you believe you cant find a beautiful vixen who dosn't spread herself thin, You won't.

and please don't LYAO, because if a guy wants an attractive, highly sexual YET reserved and selective female, and he truly believes that he deserves one, he will find her.

[Joe_3]

I realize this advice will be tough to take now but you'll thank me later. No matter how much she claims to love you, she does not really. She's a slut - no other way to say it. Turn and run away now before you tie that final knot or worse yet, have children with her. You can never accept her word that she won't go back to that life behind your back - seriously. Break it off before you hurt yourself. She's no good.

 

 

Originally posted by B-Low-Zero

Ok, well, I'm glad i've stumbled onto this part of the internet because I am very perplexed. Basicly, I'm in love with a girl, we are engaged to be married next year. The problem is i have uncovered things from her past that arent sitting well in my stomach. Now I refrain from using this terminology but i can't help myself......basicly when i think of her past, I look at her as a slut. Here's why...

 

She's had 2 guys at once.

she's had 2 girls and a guy.

She's had a girlfriend who had a boyfriend whos friend needed action, so they all 4 hooked up and had sex in the same room.

She's slept with many people that I know.

 

I think ill stop now before I lose my head.

 

I know she absolutly loves me, I know she wouldn't cheat on me. But i can't seem to stomach this amount of sleeziness in her past.

 

How in the hell am I suppose to get over this. I mean I've read about some of you jealous about your lovers past and such but none of their pasts even come close to this.

 

 

 

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

[jenny]

B-low,

 

don't marry her. it would take a very strong, secure, sophiticated man to handle this, and you are already running scared. i consider myself on the sophisticated side, and i was shocked by a number of things on that list.

 

you both need to find more suitable mates. leave the judgement and name calling part out of it. just recognize that you can't handle it, and that's legitimate.

 

if you love her, get over it. get married and do not punish her for her past. make a decision. terms like slut, etc, emerge from the mouths of the very insecure; you are both too good for that.

[Joe_3]

Actually, it would take a piss-ant coward who hadn't the guts to dump the slut and move on. The term slut is nothing more than a description of a whore who doesn't have the good sense to charge for the myriad of organs she takes in different parts of her body. To marry a girl like that would be an act in debasing yourself. I suggest you find a girl cut from a better cloth.

 

Originally posted by jenny

B-low,

 

don't marry her. it would take a very strong, secure, sophiticated man to handle this, and you are already running scared. i consider myself on the sophisticated side, and i was shocked by a number of things on that list.

 

you both need to find more suitable mates. leave the judgement and name calling part out of it. just recognize that you can't handle it, and that's legitimate.

 

if you love her, get over it. get married and do not punish her for her past. make a decision. terms like slut, etc, emerge from the mouths of the very insecure; you are both too good for that.

[jenny]

your attempts at invective are an apt demonstration of your own class.

 

cheers, babies!

[wideawake]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

I'm very curious if those of you who say the past doesn't matter have ever had a situation like this before?

 

It's VERY easy to just say, "Ah, who cares, it's in the past, move on and be happy with her!" when you've never been in something like this before.

 

It's a mindf*ck, that's for sure, it would bother the hell out of me, too. And if it bothers you THAT much, don't let it go any further. You might get past it, and then again, you might not.

 

I'm kind of with Kev on this one...

 

I've certainly been around the block a few times, and dated my share of sexually mature woman, but I've never been with a woman (that I know of) that has had a track record like that, and I'll be honest and say that I don't think I would be all that comfortable with it either.

 

I do think that stuff like that (4some, 2guys at once, 2guys/girl and a racoon (ok..that's a joke...) would freak me out a little, but probably only becuase I've never done any of those things. If I had, perhaps I would have gained the perspective to view them as they probably are, i.e., normal and enjoyable acts between concenting adults. But without actually doing any of those things it's hard for me to relate to them and not be a little insecure about the fact that my parter has.

 

So while I logically know in my head that this girl isn't a slut or whore (or any other derogatory term) and that the things she did engage in are perfectly fine (as she was the one making the decision, and probably (hopefully) enjoying them) it would still be difficult for me to trust her 100% as there would have been these large things in her past that I simply can not relate to.

 

It's a tough one...you can look at it logically or you can follow you heart. Considering the nature of this forum, I guess I would tell you to follow your heart.

[faux]

I suppose finding things out like that are hard to get over. It can bring feelings of inadequacy, or perhaps distrust. Hopefully it was long ago in her past. I recommend talking to her about how you feel.

 

I tend to not want to go for the girls who have been involved with a lot of my friends. I'd consider giving them a chance based on the situation, but from experience this is something I shy away from.

 

Which brings me to the not-so-serious/trying to make light of the situation part of my reply:

 

I wonder if you're engaged to my ex. Seriously. Probably not -- She has way more stories she'd have told you.