Husband out of town, is he cheating or soul searching?

[lostmyself]

Hi everyone, I am new here and went in search of a site that i could get advice and give some too. I have a hard time discussing my problems with anyone and I thought it was time to get off my hiney and learn how to tell my issues to someone so i can tell them to my husband. I keep everything bottled up and it makes me crazy.

 

My current problem is the problem needing advice. See since I keep everything bottled up and dwell on them too, I tend to think too much into a situation. This has made it harder to talk openly about emotions ect..because holding it in so long and letting something fester, well when the problem is resolved or solved I find that I read way to much into it. My current little mind hogging problem is that my husband is out of town on business. He left Thursday and said he would probable be back on Sunday if all went well. We both work, but I took a week off to stay home with our two kids. He calls me about three times a day and has his instant messanger is on most of the time if I have a question or something to tell him about work. He calls everynight before he goes to bed. Now the problem. He said he was going to be home on Sunday, well it is Tuesday. His business partner just left to fly home as his girlfriend we really upset that he was gone longer then expected, and my husband decided he would stay and finish up and get on a later flight. But there was only one later flgiht and is was not late enough. So I called him and let him know he could leave at 6am and be home for lunch. He said no he will just stay he thinks till Thursday. (mind you he had me call the airline 3 times to see when he could leave and what options he had) His return ticket is for Thursday, with a fee to change the flight. So he says he will stay till Thursday and just save the fee change. (But incure more hotel and food costs?) I know the place he is staying is over 100 dollars a night (usually split in two) but I guess I am a little confused.

 

To go back a little in time..i found the flight for his partner las night. Well since the girlfriend was upset I said you can always tell her the flight is booked and instead of paying 841.00 for a flight he has to wait till the next day to fly out on the 150.00 flight. Have her call me and I will calm her down. So my husband calls this morning about the flight change and says he just called and there is no more room, his partner got the last ticket so unless he wants to pay the 841.00 he has to wait for a flight. (isnt this familiar) but then he calls back and has me call to see what is available for later. And there are flights. So I tell him, he puts the phone down and I hear him say to his partner "Is there really any reason I should stay?" He replies no we're done so lets go home. And my husband replies yah your right. He gets back on the phone and decides he wants to leave after 7pm to get his stuff together. Call him and let him know there are nos flight available till 6am, that is when he says he will just stay till Thursday. I hung up on him. There are other factors like his ex fiance lives there, (with her 4 kids) and if the works gone why are you still there? His business partner is 9 years younger than him and the first night he got there he called and told me how his partner and some friends went out and he stayed in the hotel because he is "just to old for all that." But then the rest of the nights he has been there I have gotten calls from him at 2am the time of the city he is in. And we talk for about a half an hour and then he says he is tired and has to go to bed. The last time (2years ago) he went to the same city on business and stayed three weeks and was supposed to be gone one week. Well I really flipped out on the time he was gone and really flipped out on him for the everyday..change my flight and the call back of change it again. Am I reading too much into it all? I mean he generally takes care of me, provides for me, great dad, when at home all he does is work and fish. When I ever say something (maybe hes going out fishing) about me wanting to spend time with him he always say "I provide for you, I come home to you, you are who I want to be with." And yes he cheated on me in 1997 when I was away in the army.

 

So here i am and I am sure I have confused some people out there too. All these thoughts running around in my brain. And when I stop to analyze the situation I want to tell myself .. Why am I being so insecure? But then again those defense thingys raise and I feel like I dont want to be walked all over either. I have a habit of being too nice and too loving and tend to get used sometimes (by friends ect.) So I dunno. I want to call him and yell and scream but I know that wont get me anywhere. He knows my issues with the EX and he knows now that I am upset (since I hung up on him) but he is the kind of guy that only apologizes ect.. if he thinks he has done something wrong so he wont call.

 

I have been unhappy for a few weeks because I feel my needs are not getting met. I feel like we are roomates and he says he feels more in love with me then ever. (Like valentines day he thinks is a holiday to get money from people, he only went out and got me something because he found out I got him something and then complained about the costs of the gifts) We just bought out first home together and he said we could have used the money for valentines day and bought new counters or something. I said that would have been fine as long as we went counter shopping together. Oh let me stop I could go on and on and on. My friends all say I have it better than them and I am going to be with him forever. I am done now, I think

[sami]

Try to be open with your husband. Tell him of your concerns. Hope he will listen. Looking forward to hearing from you. Good luck.

[silk_sword]

wow ok, yes i am very confused. i got lost in the story a bit. i honestly would be insecure too. he says u r the one and that he goes home to u. but, what about all the other things u need? u need to be emotionally fulfilled as well. take care of your heart. it is fragile and it seems that u r letting your emotional needs go unlooked. it also seems like u have tried to speak with him and this gets u both no where. i think that he is cheating. but, i could be wrong. it is a tough situation. if u aren't getting everything u need though, then u need to find a way to make yourself happy. u sound depressed and very anxious about the whole ordeal. sweetie, please strive for what u deserve. u deserve anything and everything, especially something as simple and easy as time and affection!

[brashgal]

I'm having the biggest problem with the fact that there is a flight tomorrow but he is waiting until Thursday to come home. Also, that his ex lives in this town (you didn't mention if she is remarried or attached). Maybe if he had said something about staying and hanging out with the 4 kids. Something just seems off to me.

 

I also know what it's like to be left for a period of time with the kids and not having your needs met, you feel like you might as well not even be married.

You do need to talk to him when he returns, get some time alone to reconnect as a couple.

[lostmyself]

Thanks for the input. the last trip he took he told me he saw his ex and there was nothing there, but i know from him that he was engaged to her and she became prego by another man. At that time she was living with his dad as he was in the army. We went to visit his dad in 1998 and he would not mention her (his dad). although I said I knew he kept referring to her as the lady who left the cereal here(he put it in the freezer), or the lady whose kids used to be here. My husband had not seen his dad in 13 years (and his dad seemed a little off) so I did not press it. I found a picture of here once when we were seperated in 2000, she had on a one piece tight lepoard print outfit. I held up the picture and said if this is how you want me to be, go get her, i can never be that. The funny thing is since this post I have talked ot him, to put more miniutes on his cell phone (which I can see all the calls) and both his best friends I have talked to. One I called, we help eachother out in our time of need, and the other called me. I just spent 45 miniutes on the phone with the other. Both said he loves you..blah blah blah. My hubby knows how close we are because all his friends think their wives should be like me. All his friends come to me for advice. And for me to have a problem is OUTRAGEOUS, what they dont know is my problems are so deep we dont talk about them. So I confessed. I confessed my insecuritise, my issues and my problems to the later of the two. He has just been through a rough break up and he began on his breakup so i got into my life. i also told him about this site and how he needs to post his story. His response is "I am curiouse to what other people have to say about him." I still need help. i think he is cheating to, well I feel it. and am I wrong for wanting more. Am i wrong for needing. Am I wrong for not saying anything of my unhappiness than demanding my needs be met? Ihave been on this site since the original post. I have read other stories and yes I used to be a counselor for washignton state. But funny how we cant counsel ourselves? excuse the typos.

[carla]

Yes you have every right to be concerned and upset. You did not mention when your husband cheated b4 was it with this ex that you are worried about? If it was I'd be on the next plane to were he is. Is this ex of his married? Not that it means anything these days. What is his explaination for staying an extra day when all the busines is over and done with? Talk to him tell him what's bothering you. B/c he has cheated in the past that will leave you with major suspicion anyway. You said that at the beginning of the trip he called you every day about 3 times is he still doing that? If he is not going out at night why is he waiting until 2am to call you?

(I'm asuming that with kids you would usually be going to bed early then 2 am) Just a few things that I would be wondering.