A question I would like answered by at least 10 woman

[Cuchara2]

Well, he he I'm guilty of snooping. I hacked my ex's facebook, email and got all her msn/skype logs haha - let's just say I'm technologically gifted . I knew she was up to something, turns out she wasn't though =/ she'd only pecked someone but yeah I snooped and found that out. Was it worth it? No, she left me because I did that haha.

[Summer Breeze]

I wouldn't but that's me. I trust my instincts and haven't ever fallen victim to gaslighting. It kind of amazes me when people do but we're all different.

 

If I think something's wrong I bring it up and it's up to the other party to prove me wrong. Once the radar's kicked in I pick up on everything. When I confronted exH about his A I didn't have a bit of proof but I 'knew'.

[YellowShark]

If I think something's wrong I bring it up and it's up to the other party to prove me wrong. Once the radar's kicked in I pick up on everything. When I confronted exH about his A I didn't have a bit of proof but I 'knew'.

 

Here's my experience. It was year 4 and I had a feeling something was going on. She was online waaay more than normal. Her demeanor changed. She took her cellphone wherever she went while at home. I finally asked her straight out, " Is something going on you want to tell me, I get this weird vibe something bad is going on." She said, "No. Nothing is going on."

 

Well of course 9 times out of 10 the cheating spouse is going to deny an affair when you ask them the first time... (this was an EA with an ex-coworker of hers. He's married, two kids.) Then - a few weeks later - a mutual friend confirmed my suspicions with a friendly "heads up" one day.

 

So on one hand I had an alleged affair happening in my 4-year relationship, with all the red flags, and it was confirmed by a third party... while on the other hand I had someone I loved and trusted who denied everything.

 

What do I do? Remain a doormat and fall for the gaslighting? The "you don't trust me," "you have a jealousy problem and need therapy," "he's just a friend," "you're too controlling," deflections? Or do I verify it? After all we are a team, emotionally and financially, I need to know if half of my team is throwing me under a bus.

 

So I installed a keylogger. And I had my answer in 5 days. I read the log and it had 5 days of lovey dovey xoxoxoxoxoxox emails back and forth several times a day. (she would log in to her work email server from home, that's how she hid it from me, but all those emails were captured. There were always 4 or more exchanges a day. I had 20+ emails easily.)

 

Therefore the moral of that story is when your lie down with dogs you wake up with fleas. In this case the "fleas" was the keylogger. It killed me to have to admit to myself "ok, I now have to spy on someone I adored and trusted." But she was being deceptive - (which was sadly confirmed.)

 

But on the other hand when you just leave it alone you can just feel it in your bones, you know something is amiss. That nagging feeling in the back of your mind. I needed to verify the affair because she denied it and was gaslighting. I had to make sure I wasn't going crazy!

[You Go Girl]

Snooping can get really ugly. I understand completely the desire to do so. But, after going through my personal hell snooping, and being snooped on, I'm against it. If you can't talk to your partner, then what is the relationship based on?

Definitely trust your instincts when they tell you something is amiss. But keep your dignity until the bitter end.

If you're being cheated on, or there are other secrets, in the end it is not on your shoulders, you have done no wrong. All will be revealed with time.

 

Go for intimacy. If your partner refuses to go there with you, you have your answer. You can try to convince them to be honest, close, intimate, but you can't force them to.

Snooping is the negative 'caught you' approach.

Trying to gain intimacy is the positive approach. Successful intimacy will lead to a confession if one is warranted, unless they're deranged.

Now that I've talked in ideals, I know why people do it, I've done it, it will make you feel miserable.

I wish I had taken the high road and not snooped. I would rather have been the 'innocent' party.

I won't do it again, but I base part of that decision on that I believe I will never put myself in a relationship again where the other person isn't transparent.

[Mad Max]

If you're having an affair or doing something you're not supposed to be doing, snooping is jusitifed. You lose all right to privacy once you do something like that to betray your SO.

[turnera]

I won't do it again, but I base part of that decision on that I believe I will never put myself in a relationship again where the other person isn't transparent.

That makes no sense.

 

If your spouse decides to cheat, by the very definition, he will NOT be transparent.

 

And you may never know.

 

How, then, can you HAVE a relationship with a transparent person, if he isn't being transparent?

[Star Gazer]

If you're having an affair or doing something you're not supposed to be doing, snooping is jusitifed. You lose all right to privacy once you do something like that to betray your SO.

 

You know, for the longest time I've had difficulty articulating how I feel about snooping, but this pretty much sums it up.

[Mad Max]

You know, for the longest time I've had difficulty articulating how I feel about snooping, but this pretty much sums it up.

 

 

You mean you actually agree with me?

[Star Gazer]

You mean you actually agree with me?

 

Yup. For the second time. Crazier things have happened on LS.

[pureinheart]

I don't think snooping is ever appropriate because you trust your partner or you don't. They shouldn't hide anything from you.

 

So snooping is bad, so if you go snooping and you don't find anything then you deserve whatever is coming to you, losing the relationship, anger, whatever.

 

However, if you go snooping and you find that he or she has been cheating, your snooping is overshadowed by the preexisting lies and cheating. And either the relationship is over, and it doesn't matter on either of your parts, or he should have more important things to do than complaining about you cheating, like kissing your ass and dedicating himself to making it up to you and earning your forgiveness.

 

I have never agreed with snooping...bottom line, if you don't trust your partner, leave as there is mostlikey a good reason for suspicions. Your mostlikely too perfect for that person anyway...sorry, I couldn't help myself...blast away:rolleyes:

[flying]

My cheating exH gaslighted me like crazy and I thought I was going nuts until I finally snooped. Took me months to decide to do it. Best decision ever - found what I needed to know, discovered I wasn't crazy after all, and that was the end of that.

 

I feel like it was justified, no regrets at all. What he was doing was so damaging and hurtful...I'm really glad I finally decided to go for it.

[YellowShark]

My cheating exH gaslighted me like crazy and I thought I was going nuts until I finally snooped. Took me months to decide to do it. Best decision ever - found what I needed to know, discovered I wasn't crazy after all, and that was the end of that.

 

I feel like it was justified, no regrets at all. What he was doing was so damaging and hurtful...I'm really glad I finally decided to go for it.

 

If you read my post on page 2 that's exactly where I was at. I was being gaslighted while she denied it. It was driving me nuts. I had to see if I was nuts, or being thrown under a bus.

 

It took a lot out of me to decide I had to snoop on the woman I loved. But when I did I found out the truth. And the truth was an affair. I wasn't who she painted me to be - (because I questioned her) - after all. And I had hardcopy evidence that she could not deny.

 

I didn't chose the path of snooping, it was forced upon me. Therefore I have no remorse that I did it, only regret that I had to do it.

[porter218]

I was in a relationship for 6 years that ended 4 months ago. I suspected over the 6 years that he maybe had been spending some time with another girl. I asked several times and he always denied it and said we are just good friends. Not to get into the details of why I suspected something was going on but I was almost certain that there was some connection more than just a friendship that I was seeing. I was at his house one day before we broke up and saw a password written on his desk. I suspected it was a password to his email account and possibly his cell phone account. When I got home later that day I pondered if I should try to get into his email expecting that maybe I would get the answers to my questions by seeing his email exchanges with her and/or see his phone activity between them. So I did just that. There were many email exchanges between them and more phone activity than there should have been with someone he claims to be just friends with. Some of the calls and text messaging between them happened late night. Some of those late nights were after him and I where arguing. He found out that I had been in his email and his cell phone account

Here is my question: If you suspected your boyfriend of 6 years may have been unfaithful to you but he continued over the years to deny it and you had the opportunity to get into his email account or his cell phone account to see if you could get the answers would you do it?

 

Yes..I would and I have. Doing these things allowed me to find evidence of my Hs infidelities. I would never hesitate to do this again in a new relationship if I feel something is wrong.

[turnera]

If you read my post on page 2 that's exactly where I was at. I was being gaslighted while she denied it. It was driving me nuts. I had to see if I was nuts, or being thrown under a bus.

 

It took a lot out of me to decide I had to snoop on the woman I loved. But when I did I found out the truth. And the truth was an affair. I wasn't who she painted me to be - (because I questioned her) - after all. And I had hardcopy evidence that she could not deny.

 

I didn't chose the path of snooping, it was forced upon me. Therefore I have no remorse that I did it, only regret that I had to do it.

I always tell people to do it for, say, two weeks. If you find no evidence in two weeks, stop looking. And tell your mate what you did, and why. Then discuss what behavior of theirs was causing you to mistrust in the first place so you can fix it.

[Owl]

I have never agreed with snooping...bottom line, if you don't trust your partner, leave as there is mostlikey a good reason for suspicions. Your mostlikely too perfect for that person anyway...sorry, I couldn't help myself...blast away:rolleyes:

 

Pure...you know my story now.

 

I got the "proof" of my wife's EA by snooping...by hacking her email/IM accounts and getting logs of their IM/email exchanges.

 

I SUSPECTED something was going on...but only SUSPECTED.

 

Should I have ended my 17+ year marriage to her based on that suspiscion?

 

When I suspected, I...like most others...tried to have that conversation with her and got the "he's just a friend"..."you have NOTHING to worry about" responses to my face.

 

Once she wasn't able to deny it anymore...it was out in the open...then it could be dealt with.

 

But if I hadn't snooped...it wouldn't have been out in the open until their affair had developed much deeper.

 

I don't advocate constant snooping. But if there is a reason to suspect that your SO is lying to you, but you want to try to reconcile the relationship...snooping is often the only choice you've got to get to the truth and address the problems.

[YellowShark]

I SUSPECTED something was going on...but only SUSPECTED.

 

I don't advocate constant snooping. But if there is a reason to suspect that your SO is lying to you, but you want to try to reconcile the relationship...snooping is often the only choice you've got to get to the truth and address the problems.

 

That was me too. I was not going to throw away 4 years together on a suspicion. I adored her and trusted her. Maybe I was wrong. Her gaslighting almost fooled me that "I had a problem," not her.

 

But the tell-tail signs said to me I was not wrong, and her denials didn't match her behaviors.

 

So I had to do what I had to do to find out the truth. And when you sleep with dogs you get fleas. The fleas was my having to snoop on the woman I trusted and loved. I was forced to seek the truth to see if my emotional and financial PARTNER was throwing me under a bus... (and she was.)

Edited October 4, 2010 by YellowShark

[pureinheart]

Pure...you know my story now.

 

I got the "proof" of my wife's EA by snooping...by hacking her email/IM accounts and getting logs of their IM/email exchanges.

 

I SUSPECTED something was going on...but only SUSPECTED.

 

Should I have ended my 17+ year marriage to her based on that suspiscion?

 

When I suspected, I...like most others...tried to have that conversation with her and got the "he's just a friend"..."you have NOTHING to worry about" responses to my face.

 

Once she wasn't able to deny it anymore...it was out in the open...then it could be dealt with.

 

But if I hadn't snooped...it wouldn't have been out in the open until their affair had developed much deeper.

 

I don't advocate constant snooping. But if there is a reason to suspect that your SO is lying to you, but you want to try to reconcile the relationship...snooping is often the only choice you've got to get to the truth and address the problems.

 

Hey Owl,

 

I completely understand where your heart is and also YS, you guys are the good ones, along with others on LS.

 

My daughter also snooped (and you guys would have been proud at the devices she came up with)...it was actually comical...she had him wired (literally).

 

I have seen snooping turn into a game, and nothing ever gets fixed, both people are caught up in the game.

 

If it worked for you and YS, then more power to you, I want nothing more than to see your M's be the best they can be:)

 

I just could not, no matter what go there..after having dealt with so many A's in my life and other deceptions, and seeing that "you give a person enough rope, they will hang themselves", I find it much easier to go down that road.

 

Like my daughter, I understood where she was coming from, and also she was not screwing around herself. She was taking care of three kids, working, all of the business, etc. and homeboy was having a good time (I was pissed, but it is her life). I began to wonder what would be enough info to either leave or take a real stand.

 

I believe people will do what they are going to do anyway, all I can do is tell them the truth and then let the chips fall where they may and hope they live through it.

 

I'm really glad it worked out for you guys though, as you guys have renewed my faith in mankind period, I was beginning to wonder there for awhile:D.....