This is still bothering me..

[meanon]

I may be way off base here - apologies if I am wrong. I've gained the impression from this and other threads that your girlfriend is a remarkable woman who has overcome a lot in her life but remains marked by her experience and is therefore more vulnerable to the influence of others than would otherwise be the case. The way you describe her she often seems quite torn between people she loves or has loved.

 

If this is true you could look at it from a couple of perspectives. You could say that she represents a risk to your emotional health and it would be better to wait until she has matured a little and grown into the relationship more. On the other hand you could say that she really needs that solid emotional grounding and support that a good marriage will give her to fully overcome her life experiences. You seem to love each other so much, I'd lean towards the latter but then I'm not the one taking the risk.

[spencer]

I have a suggestion for you. I discovered this by accident.

My current bf was calling his ex, more often than i would be comfortable with.

just to chat and stuff. i was really confused. I was thinking do normal relationships end and

ex-couples still hang out like friends. At 34 yrs old i have to wonder.

 

My last relationship ended the day he held me hostage with a gun and treatened to kill my family if they came to help me. i don't have a desire to say "whats up" to my ex. We have spoken only a few times after I packed up his belongings, stuffed them in my car and changed the locks, left the keys and said "drive away". The few times we talked were like"who died and when is the funeral".

 

anyway, my bf (current) was saying "she is my friend and we really care about eachother and it was not good for us to be bf/gf," & he wanted us to hang out with her new bf and DOUBLE DATE.

PUKE/VOMIT

So one day I got tried of having to explain why I didn't feel comfortable with whole situation and said "Oh honey I ran into your ex at the restaurant, and we had a great time chatting in the bar, we thought mabye because we had so much in common we could all get together and go out sometime. (really happened, btw)

 

I don't think he calls her much anymore and the get togethers just haven't worked out.

PITY

[matureview]

First of all, if a marriage/relationship ends amicable and it is TRULY OVER two people CAN remain friendly WITHOUT wanting each other back, as a love interest! YES they can talk to each other without wanting sex. If they both wanted this... NEWS FLASH!!!...They would be together now...not with you!!!

 

It is a maturity issue.

 

Partners (of exes who are friendly w/ their exes): Get over yourselves and your insecurities. No offense really, but it is soooooooooo ridiculous! You either have ulterior motives yourself or so much insecurity that you can't think straight (or you are 13 yrs old).

 

Grow up!!!

[jmargel]

matureview, I guess that's what my fiancee has been telling me. Her & me talked quite a bit about it and it didn't pop into my head again until Sat. night when she was at her dad's & after she came over she said he mentioned if he was bothering her. She said 'No, but actually I called him'. And told him that I didnt like her calling him.. I just went off on her. I told her I'm tired of this getting thrown in my face, and tired of hearing his name. I also mentioned that he still seems to have power over her, which she denies. She got upset, and awhile later I apologized for overreacting so much. She told me before she was in a grouchy mood cuz of her PMS, so I should've let it slide but it got the best of me.

 

I told her by her calling him it's already causing problems between us. He apparently told her that he wants to 'confront' me. I told her then, if he gets in my face & starts something, I'll hurt him. She then said she has no reason to call anymore. I then told her what I said in the beginning of the relationship that I'm not into any sort of drama. She doesn't believe me when I told her she's putting our relationship at somewhat of a risk by talking to him. Last thing I said to her was that I was going to leave it in her hands. I'll let her decide her own fate. She told me the last thing they said to each other is that they wished each other well.

[moimeme]

She doesn't believe me when I told her she's putting our relationship at somewhat of a risk by talking to him.

 

Why is it that people do not understand when you tell them this until you haul their butts onto Dr. Phil's stage? Does she think you issue empty ultimatums? Does she think you're a drama queen? She needs to pay attention. Maybe you need to take her to counselling with you.

[jmargel]

We talked about it a little last night. She went out with her mom and said she had a little talk with her. First asking her mom if she likes me. She said she replied back with 'Yes, and I see you are very happy with him'. Then she asked her mom, why is she calling her ex-bf? She said that her mom almost got tears in her eyes, and then said 'We don't talk about you, I just call to see how he is doing'. He's got her mom thinking that Brandy treated him bad, and that he's lonely and he's the one who's the victim here. This is really f*cked up. Considering he never did anything with her family before. Brandy (my fiancee) doesn't even truly know why her mom is calling so much.

 

Brandy let on a little more about her past with her dad, and how he abandonded her quite a bit through her life, and how he did this to her mom. They got divorced when Brandy was 14. I then mentioned to Brandy, don't you see that your mom is in this pattern of getting abused? She was with a guy who cheated on her & left her numerous times, and now married another guy who treats her bad & who is an alcholic. I then mentioned to her, that your ex-bf was treating you the same way your dad treated you when you were younger. Totally neglectful, etc.. I mentioned to her how her mom could be 'comfortable' with this treatment, since she was so used to it. She dated other guys who treated her really good, but ended up with this loser.

 

Anyway, Brandy knows where I stand with the issue regarding her ex. I don't complain much to her, so she has to know it's been bothering me. Apparently I think he's been talking to Brandy's mom about me (this guy has no clue who I am, yet makes up lies about me). Saying that i'm not very well liked, etc.. Apparently she's got this from the last phone call with him. So, now its upto her. She's my fiancee and she should be standing up for me.

 

But talking about coincidence, last night Brandy took me out to dinner. We got there & got seated.. Who just so happened to be in the next booth? MY ex-fiancee.

[matureview]

Sorry moi,

I disagree with you completely. Maybe it's an age and experience thing. People can be decent to other people. We are not all bad or all good.

 

TRUST is the issue here. Trusting a woman who is a caring soul. Would j love her so much if she were not??? He should appreciate her for her loving and caring ways toward people in general. He may find himself on the end of that stick someday.

 

HUMANITARIANISM LIVES!

[moimeme]

TRUST is the issue here. Trusting a woman who is a caring soul. Would j love her so much if she were not??? He should appreciate her for her loving and caring ways toward people in general

 

The issue here is that j is extremely uncomfortable with what's going on to the point that he is thinking of possibly not marrying her over it. It matters not one whit what you or I think, would do, or believe. In the end, if it is too distressing for j, he has to make that clear to her so she will understand it's a major issue for him. If she wants to suggest they go to counselling to sort it out, or if he does, that's fine and possibly a good idea. However, being 'caring' to one's ex when it makes one's current SO uncomfortable is not a particularly good idea.

[jmargel]

Thank you moi. It does make me very uncomfortable especially finding out the stuff he is saying. I told her that he'll try to get his foot in the doorway any possible way, and will use anything just as simple as a phone call to start something. I still am curious on why her mom still calls him. I know that may not be any of my business, but if my mom would be calling my ex-fiancee alot, I know that would make Brandy uncomfortable. A couple months back he even took her mom out to lunch. I told Brandy it's his way of still keeping his nose in the situation.

 

As for the wedding, I need to talk to my groomsmen about this. With the possibility of him showing up. If he does show up, I won't do anything to ruin the day, i'll let my boys take care of him.

[jmargel]

Since the ordeal at the restuarant my ex-fiancee (Tara) sent me an email greeting card, congratulating us on our engagement, which I find weird. I just deleted it and didn't reply. Today I got another email from her asking me if I can help her with her computer (its my profession). I just find it weird that my ex is starting to contact me again. I have a feeling I know what might happen if I do help her.

 

So, out of respect for Brandy I'm just going to tell Tara 'Sorry, I can't', and let Brandy know. Hopefully Brandy will pick up on this and maybe learn how I've been feeling.

[Bronzepen]

That's very good that you are going to tell your fiancee. I would also block your ex's email.

[jwbrkr21]

you know...i kinda had a similar problem with my fiance. after me and my fiance had moved in together.....she started getting phone calls from her ex. obviously....her parents gave him the number. wich i felt was kinda messed up. you know...when i was single.....or whatever, girls had my parents phone number, but when i moved out ( with my fiance). i had enough respect for her to tell my parents not to give my number to any girl that called.....to take a number and a message, and if i really wanted to call them back i would. my parents understood this, and they understood that my fiance wouldnt want strange phone calles from strange women when we were living together. i wouldnt want phone calls at 3 in the morning when one of my ex's was all drunk and missing me. somehow....i expected the same from her. especially not from her parents!!

 

whats going to happen when you are livng together?? is he going to be calling YOUR house?? is her mom going to pass that number to him??

 

theres times when someone just has to start being a dick....and stop talking to their ex's. theres a line that they have to cross. theres a time when you have to say...okay, WE are living OUR lives.....you go live yours....BYE. she has had plenty of time to get her "closure"....if not....she needs to get it over with real soon. give her a reality check....tell her.....if your going to keep talking to your ex's....it's over!!

[amerikajin]

I didn't even notice this thread until now, but I'm sorry your girl's giving you all this drama. Trying to be the optimist here, I don't think that your girlfriend has bad intentions. I think that sometimes when we have ex's in our past, there's a part of us that doesn't want to let go and wants there to be a good resolution and we want everyone's story to turn out happy. There might be a part of your girlfriend that's thinking something along the lines of:

 

"You know, here I am, about to get married to this great guy (jmargel), and I feel like I'm in a better place. It would be really nice if my ex were in a better place, too, and I hope he gets there one day. Maybe I'll check up on him to see how he's doing."

 

Regardless of your girl's intentions, you have every right to be concerned. To me the worst of it is her mother and ex still talking to each other. It seems to me like her ex is trying to weasel his way back into her life obliquely, which is bulls***.

 

I wish there were some snappy advice I could give, but I don't always feel comfortable advising people what to do when love and marriage are on the line. I call it like I see it, but what to do after that isn't always so easy. What I can say is that I probably wouldn't be doing anything different than what you've done already and what you said you might do if it keeps up. To me, that's your only recourse. You have to give people a chance, and you have to be fair in relationships, but that's also a two-way straight. Your girl needs to respect you, too.

 

Best of luck, bud.

[Kat]

My partner got an sms sent from overseas (two of them second unknown) for his birthday. One was from his ex.... I wish she would let go and he let her

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by jmargel

I just find it weird that my ex is starting to contact me again. I have a feeling I know what might happen if I do help her.

 

What would happen? What do you THINK would happen?

[jmargel]

Well here's an update. As for my ex, nothing would happen. I certainly don't want to be back with her but I don't see her as the causing problems type.

 

As for her ex.. The drama continues..

 

Last night she came up and we went to a club up here. When we entered I thought we passed him, and I asked Brandy that. She didnt see him. Well about 5 mins. later his cousin comes up, saying 'hi' to Brandy and then getting in her face, basically trying to make her look like something awful, and saying 'stop calling him, leave him alone', etc.. She didn't say anything & kept her cool. I then told him, I know she called him and it was for good intentions. He then started talking about how she was rubbing it in his face that she is engaged. I said, No, its because she thought he would rather hear it from her than from someone else. She had good intentions. I told him to back off & to leave us be.

 

She goes to the bathroom, and he comes upto me again w/ his gf. She started on me saying 'I know she's a whore & cheated on him, etc'.. That's when I get pissed, saying I know everything about her & you need to back off now. What they had in the past is over, and her & me are happy together. Brandy saw this chick startin' on me and got in her face. I thought a fight was going to start. Then two of his other friends came up, the one which was pretty cool who agreed everyone should let everyone else alone. They said some other things to make it seem like Brandy was such the bad person & like she's white trash. I then told the one guy, if her ex has a problem with me or her, let him come up now, otherwise its best all you leave. So they did. Brandy wanted to leave because she was so upset. I then told her she needs to stop calling him and I think she knows now she has to. She told his cousin in front of me that she only had good intentions & wanted to see him happy in life, and that she herself is very happy & doesnt want him back. She wanted to leave but I told her no, I wasn't going to let him dictate us where we could go. So we danced for about an hour. When we left he was near the exit but he knew better not to start anything with me.

 

Brandy said that she's going to talk to her mom & dad to tell them to stop talking to him. She kept apologizing to me, saying she didnt want to put me into that situation and was afraid I was going to leave her. She then apologized for getting into that chick's face, which I then told her I am glad you did. This girl didnt even know her, and all her info was from Brandy's ex. Apparently when her ex told Brandy he had a gf, he lied. She told me now she realizes he's had other motives. I expected this to happen sooner or later and kinda glad it happened now. I just had a feeling he was going to be there last night. She now knows how volitile the situation has become.

[amerikajin]

Wow! What a bunch of winners, those guys. It takes some nerve to walk up to someone you don't even know and call that person a "whore".

 

Her ex is trying to start all kinds of cr@p and your girl seriously needs to understand that the calling and communication needs to stop. Including the communication between her ex and her mother.

[jmargel]

I know, she even said that. She didnt think any harm was coming out of what she was doing. She would call maybe once a month. He takes everything she did & turns it around to make it seem like she's the bad person. I also told her that there's a possibilty of him or his 'friends' trying to interupt our wedding.

 

With this whole cheating thing going on, about 4-5 years ago she broke it off with him. She ended up running into some guy who she had sex with. Her life was messed up then, and her ex wouldn't leave her alone. Acting like they never broke up. I guess out of pressure cause of him & her parents she got back together with him, but slept with the same guy shortly thereafter again. No it wasn't right that she did that, but she was basically coerced into going back with him. Also the guy she slept with was a total jerk, guess he did some bad things to her. Well she got preg. the second time she slept with this guy. Her ex knew this, but during her preg. he treated her bad to the point where she almost had a miscarriage. During delivery the baby died and she almost did as well. For the longest time he would talk to 'her' parents making it seem like he was such a great guy, while all along he neglected, argued, and just beat her down emotionally.

 

I told Brandy, a guy like this only cares about himself, and will tell his friends his 'sob' story, making him seem like the good person. I then told her what they think doesn't matter, what matters is, is that we are together and he's not going to get in between us. She just needs to stay true to her word now, which I think she'll do.

[amerikajin]

Oh I totally agree that your girl meant no harm. I think she was actually hoping that he had somehow move on with his life, or hoped that by calling him he would at least begin that process.

 

Her ex seems like he has a classic case of "loseritis". Now there are two ways this disease can manifest itself:

 

Type 1) Clingy, needy, wussified guy: basically harmless but annoying as hell. He won't get the picture no matter how many hints you drop on him, but he poses no threat to the chick in terms of long-term damage. In a few isolated cases, you get the cookoo loner types who go apes***, stalk and in a few cases attack the girl, but that's extremely rare.

 

Type 2) Surly, manipulative, controlling a-hole guy: this is the guy you've got to be a little concerned about. He'll end up getting drunk alot - either alone or with his loser pals. Often he'll come home drunk and beat the woman, too. This is the guy who's more likely to stalk, and he won't hesitate to attack anyone who gets in his way either (i.e. be careful, jmargel). In his mind, that's still his girl.

 

What sucks is that this girl isn't really someone he loves or respects - he knows not the meaning of the word "respect". He just wants someone to push around. Chances are, this guy didn't have good role models when he was growing up, either. Wouldn't be surprised if his own father treated women like s***.

[jmargel]

He's a mix of both, in that he's too much of a wuss to confront me directly, but in the past emotionally & verbally abused Brandy quite a bit. Last time he was on the phone w/ her, he was telling her he was going to confront me, etc.. That was all talk, since he had to have his cousin & friends do all the work. I talked to her dad quite a bit, because he knew her ex, and he said he doubts this will be the last time. He wanted me to call him that night so he could come down there. Though I knew her dad would've put a beating on him, along with me. I just told Brandy to keep track of any times that you are bothered by him or his idiot friends. I'm also going to get her some pepper spray so she can use if need be.

 

Last night her family told her at the dinner table that even though you had good intentions about calling, he was taking it as 'I want you to call me back, because I really don't want to get married'. It was hard for her to first understand that guys can think this way. I told her someone who is distraught and wants you back will hang on every little word, and twist it to mean other things. Her mom said she wasn't calling him anymore, so I hope things will turn out for the better now. Thanks for your advice, it's been really helpful.