mybastarddaughter Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Please help me out here....I am in love with a man I have been dating, almost a year. I have known him for five. i guess I am being a little insecure, but, he moved in with me five months ago, and he stores pictures and photoalbums of all his exes. (he was once married, and girlfriends). The thing, is, this did NOT bother me until one night when he was drinking, he and his friends admitted they were all still jealous of their exes(their new man...etc..). Of course, this made me angry. I asked him about it, and it took him almost two months, to give me an answer of "That, was only when I didn't have a girlfriend." Why couldn't he say that, on the same night?! So now, I want to burn all of his pictures, because I think he's obsessed. What do I do? I am going crazy!!! HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Originally posted by mybastarddaughter So now, I want to burn all of his pictures, because I think he's obsessed. You sound like the obsessed one. If he were masturbating to them, I'd feel differently, but he just wants to keep a part of his life. At some point, we're the sum of our ex-girlfriends. It's unreasonable to expect anyone to forget about their pasts. Are they naked pictures? I'm sure you two have plenty of great times together, but you can't let him forget about all of the other great times that he's had in the past. Having pictures of ex-girlfriends isn't inappropriate, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
amazinglywow Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 i say burn them! my man has a shoe box full of those. i asked to him to show me them once and he refused. so i got a bit suspicious ... about his feelings. i mean that obviously tells, that he holds those memories dear, that he doesn't want to throw out. but he's gotta choose. the shoe box full of love letters and pics from ex's or his present with me. i mean sure, he doesn't jerk off to them or look at them from time to time. but still what does he still have a box for? just incase he happens to come across them one day in the future while he's married to me??? and talk about the good old memories. when he should really be talking about the good old memories of the person your with now. i think its disrespectful towards my feelings. i call it selfish. guys say that no one and nothing will get between you guys, but its really the person who keeps the past lingering with them day by day. thats what ruins the relationship slowly. besides, its something bothering you, do what ever it takes to take away that hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Originally posted by amazinglywow its something bothering you, do what ever it takes to take away that hurt. I think in general, this is an awful way to conduct oneself in a relationship. The pictures aren't hurting you, you're only hurting yourself, by choosing to indulge in feelings of inadequacy. Memories don't ruin the present, insecurity and an inability to invest oneself in a relationship do--both genders are equally guilty. It's disrespectuful of you to demand he pretends you're the only one he's ever loved. I call that selfish. I would never throw away anything from my past. They're seperate. I also wouldn't stay in a relationship with a woman who didn't trust me with my own emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
amazinglywow Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker who didn't trust me with my own emotions. well the question i'm boggled by is why would you still have emotions from the past? your not with the person, you've moved on. so why have any sort of emotions? i think if you still had emotions its cause your not over it. and thats not fair to person you are with at the present moment. it bugs me cause... for myself, i'm so head over heals for the guy i'm with now, that it made me forget my past. i have no emotions towards all that. i agree, that you're the only one hurting yourself. but everyone has feelings and emotions and at times those can't be overcome. sometimes you need your partner to help you through, to make you feel better. after all whats a relationship for. keeping all those past memories, while trying to make you feel special, like your the only one in his life, etc. why keep it? is he talking bull****? so what can you do, when your partner doesn't help you out. when neither person can come to the middle. if ur in love, u'll go through any task, sacrifice, compromise, etc. so i think at times you gotta do what ever it takes to take the pain away. yea sometimes you just gotta be selfish, why not play that game, like the other person isn't doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 well the question i'm boggled by is why would you still have emotions from the past? That's not the case. Fond memories of the past are no threat to the present or future. However, people who are insecure about their relationships want to wipe the memories of their partners lest they somehow do not 'measure up' to past lovers in their partner's eyes. The fact remains that you can burn everything he owns, but his memories will still reside in his brain and you need to comprehend that they are no threat to you. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Originally posted by amazinglywow i think if you still had emotions its cause your not over it. and thats not fair to person you are with at the present moment. I feel terribly sorry for you. The Love that I have is not one in which we delude ourselves into thinking that we're not capable of any emotion but momentary infatuation, and that's why I'm pretty sure it will survive. if ur in love, u'll go through any task, sacrifice, compromise, etc. so i think at times you gotta do what ever it takes to take the pain away. You're not advising compromise, you're advising irrational unhealthy behavior. If 'in love' equates with 'blind to consequences of my actions'--I'm glad I'm not 'in love'. Healthy would be perhaps discussing the issue of the importance of the past, and the value of the present/future--where both parties are open to see each other's side, and help both people feel better. Unhealthy would be what you advised, and I'll quote, "burn them!" Link to post Share on other sites
amazinglywow Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme well the question i'm boggled by is why would you still have emotions from the past? That's not the case. Fond memories of the past are no threat to the present or future. However, people who are insecure about their relationships want to wipe the memories of their partners lest they somehow do not 'measure up' to past lovers in their partner's eyes. The fact remains that you can burn everything he owns, but his memories will still reside in his brain and you need to comprehend that they are no threat to you. well thats another thing. i use to be insecure about our relationship, cause i wasn't his first love. but now i'm more than confident. and he still has his box, and i actually don't care anymore. i know it'll be stored in his mind, but why bother with them. wouldn't you want to build up the present memory more than it already it is instead of the past? i dunno. at times i think i'm really unexperienced with love, since he's my first love but # whatever boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 His past is what made him the man you love. Maybe you'll break up. Maybe a bus will run over one of you. It's nice to be able to recall good times in one's life. It doesn't mean anybody prefers them to the present, just that the past is the path to the present and so should not be wiped away as though it never existed. Link to post Share on other sites
amazinglywow Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Healthy would be perhaps discussing the issue of the importance of the past, and the value of the present/future--where both parties are open to see each other's side, and help both people feel better. i agree.... thats what i'm asking... what do you do when one of you don't want to discuss the importance.. or anything for that fact.. what do i do then? i can't come to one with myself without knowing what he feels and thinks about certain things. i know sometimes, things can be personal and should be left alone, not even discussed.. but surely there's an alternative solution... but he gives none. i'm alwayz left alone in the dark corner. what do i do then? and i know 'burning them' will do no good either, its out of frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Perhaps I've been spoiled, but I wouldn't put up with a partner who didn't communicate. That's a neccessity, not a desire, relationshipwise. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Make sure he's let go of his past. When I threw away all of my ex's pictures (Well I still have one) it was kind of liberating. He needs to respect your feelings, since the future is with you. There is no legitimate reason to put the future of your relationship with each other over keeping these pictures. Alot of times people will 'romanticize' or forget the pain their ex put them through, which is maybe why he still holds onto them. The reason why I still have my ex's picture is just because she was a part of my life for a long time back then. Its in a box, in a closet which I haven't look at for over a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybastarddaughter Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 I really appreciate, it! yours was the most useful post. How do I go about making sure he's let go? I really need to know. He is truly, the perfect guy for me, But he's a bad communicator, and that's something we've been working at, together. But, how do I ask? "Are you over your past?" ????? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 How to communicate effectively is ironically difficult for me to explain. One thing that I couldn't stress enough is open-mindedness, you have to go into it with at least the illusion that you're open to changing how you feel and listening. He has to do the same. It's difficult to find someone who's willing to be so vulnerable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybastarddaughter Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 Thanks a bunch everyone!!!!! I'll do my best and let you all know>> Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Making sure that he's let go, is looking at all the little signs. Its not fair to pull someone in a relationship when you still have strong emotional ties to someone else. Communication is actually more listening than it is speaking, and try to interept what they have to say. Does he still contact his ex? I'm having that problem now. Only thing I can suggest is telling him that it really hurts you knowing he has all these pictures of her and that you feel threatened. If he loves & cares for you, he'll then throw them out. Telling him what to do is just going to make him resent you. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 If he loves & cares for you, he'll then throw them out I don't agree, jmarquel. I have photos of all the people in my life, which has never meant that I didn't love the fellows I was with. One's memories are no threat to the present or the future and people should not be required or expected to relinquish mementoes of the past. I encouraged my guys to keep their mementoes, too. Your fiancee is still contacting her ex, which may well mean that she still has feelings for him, but even if she threw away everything she ever had from him, she may still feel the same. The mementoes are not the feelings, and tossing them out will not change how a person feels any more than keeping them will. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 I'm not talking about wiping out your mate's memory of their past. But a whole box of pictures to me is a sign that you could be holding onto the past. I have one picture of my ex, and my fiancee threw out all of his pictures except for one. I never told her she had to do this, she did it on her own. It also depends on what types of pictures they are too. Its also been a year as well. As for putting my situation in this thread, please keep it to the one I originally created the post for. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 But a whole box of pictures to me is a sign that you could be holding onto the past. The way you choose to interpret something does not make it reality. People need to understand that there is only perception, and that perceptions do not necessarily reflect truth. That I keep photos of people I have known does not mean I'm holding on to anything; only that I like, on occasion, to revisit the events in my life and remember them fondly. If someone feels threatened by my having pictures, it's his problem, not my reality. The crux of the matter is trusting someone to be fully invested in your relationship. If you don't, that's a big problem in itself that tossing photos won't fix. Link to post Share on other sites
Crimson84 Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 first off you are all argueing about this subject when the forums are meant to help somone who writes the thread right? no excuses on that, its basically simple and each relationship is different so you cant argue to each other which one is right and wrong you getting all to tech about it, tell the person that holding pictures of your ex's hurts you, if they love you then they wont want to hurt you correct? and yes holding on to past memories is a problem when it comes to ex-s, thats exactly what they are the past, the reason they are you ex is rather you didnt feel compatible or they cheated so whats the point of holding on to pictures of a relationship that failed if it's just gonna hurt the one with now.. what i am trying to say is there is no excuse what so ever no matter what u post after i write this that will change the fact doing something that hurts the one you love is not loving them and thats wrong period.. end of sentence- Link to post Share on other sites
Helpme2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 some people keep them as memories of their past some try to hold onto the past i on the other hand threw mine all away when i met and married my hubby.now my ex has some of me and hes married why he has them i dont have clue.its up to u if u cant handle him having them ask him to get rid of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Dug Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Just hope that your partner doesn't start comparing your body parts to previous one night stands like mine did....that hurts....and it's the same with old photos. Having them is one thing....using them to maliciously play on someone's insecurity is hardly an act of love.....or even respect. If he doesn't understand or care about your sensitivities... burn him ...and let him keep his pictures. Lesson #1....never compare your present partner to old ones....ever. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 doing something that hurts the one you love is not loving them and thats wrong period People have to moderate their feelings with fairness. Sometimes people feel hurt unreasonably. We have several people on this forum who are 'hurt' by the fact of their partners' exes. Despite their partners' repeated assertions that the past is the past, these people continue to obsess about their partners' lives. In situations such as this, it is unfair of the sufferer to demand that the partner change his or her life to accommodate that which boils down to an unreasonable expectation or request. People have baggage and issues and sometimes need to get help for themselves to get over their issues rather than foisting all the responsibility for them onto their partners. Jealousy is unhealthy. It is up to the jealous person to learn more constructive thought patterns, not to their partners to modify their behaviour if they are not acting wrongly. Somewhere along the line, people seem to have decided that they are entitled to demand whatever they want from their partners and to expect all their demands be met. That isn't how a 'partnership' is supposed to work. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 If my boyfriend asked me to throw away all of the pictures from my past, I would kick him to the curb. End of story. Being insecure over a box (or photo album) full of pictures that might be ten years old is ridiculous. I can't even remember the last time I took out my photo albums and looked through them, and I'm certainly not hanging on to the past, but those are MY memories. My photo albums tell the story of my life--from high school, to college, to after...someday my kids (if I have any!) might be curious to find out what my life was like before they came along, and what kinds of things I did, and what kinds of people I hung around with. They are memories--that's all. No need to feel insecure about them. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 My partner Loves me enough to work through issues with open communication. My puppy loves me enough to do whatever I say to make me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
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