Please help, i cant quit lieing to my wife and its ruining my marriage and family.

[Mvogts]

Im 27, married and have 5 kids. Been Married for 4 years and together for 6. I have never hurt someone as bad as ive hurt her, not even my worst enemy. I have cheated on her twice, and i continue to lie to her about stupid things. I lie to her all the time no matter what. She has a short short fuse and bad temper and im mostly afraid of her blowing up.

 

But of course when i lie to her it makes things ten times worse, but i dont seem to be able to quit, Im so afraid of loseing her. I dont want her to hurt anymore and i dont want her to have anything to worry about. I want her to believe in me again.

Its my fault she hurts and doesnt believe anything i say, but i want to correct the lieing problem. Badly. I love her more than anthing and would go to hell and back for her. I would say i care about her(even though i do) but i must not inside if i keep hurting her the way i do. I do care for her and want to fix this, but i dont know where to begin. i just want her to have a husband to be proud of and i want her the happiest she can be.

[lostmyself]

WOW. Umm, this is weird, because my spouse sounds the same. He lies about little things, and same situation afraid I will blow up and explode. Which I did frequently in the past but have overcome that by accepting who he is and how he is. He tends to dink a lot and cover it up by saying he is going to the store but stops off for a drink. I dont mind he stops off for a drink. But I get upset leter and tell him the reason is for the lying. i would rather know the truth and not be pissed off then feel there is more to the story. he deosnt tell me because the way I used to be I would be pissed off. I can tell you want to do right by her and you want to be there and be a husband, but you have to figure out what is holding YOU back. Why the lies? Why not tell the truth and take the heat? What kinds of things are you lying about? And are you willing to take the steps to make the change? you have programed yourself to be one way, the way you dont want to be. So (being I dont know her) you need to develop a way to work on things together. ,Make her a part of it.

[Mvogts]

Ill give it some thought and see what i can come up with. the lies are stuoid everyday stuff, i bought a new part for my rc truck a couple of weeks ago and she seen it today and asked me about it and i lied. Its stupid stuuf like that, im just afraid she will get mad and then she gets more mad for the lie. I cant quit, but im trying so hard, i love her and dont want to lose her over this. I dont drink, do drugs, go out and party or anything. I go to work ang go home to my family,

 

my rc truck and working around the house are my hobbies, but i cant quit lieing,thats the only thing i do to her and i dont want her to hurt. I just want her to believe in me and believe i can do this. Once again, thanks for the reply.

 

 

Mike.

[lostmyself]

hey mike. those are little lies but also umm..stupid ones (please let me be honest) why are you afraid to do for you. I fail to see that that RC part made you unable to pay mortgage/rent. or any other bill? You are just as important and special as she is and to make her see how important and special YOU are you have to believe in yourself! because you are important and special too. Look at you , here telling your story to make your relationship work, continue to search for your answers whatever they may be! GOOD LUCK let me know how things go!

[dyermaker]

My post is going to be unpopular, but here goes.

 

I don't buy that you can't stop lying. I've been in your shoes, here's what it takes: stop doing it.

 

Next time you're going to lie, don't. Yeah, you'll still get yelled at. Yeah, you'll have to suffer consequences. But you can't love someone if you aren't honest with them. You need to knock this crap off. She's not going to believe you right away, but you'll earn her trust back if you just grow up about it, and be a man.

[Mvogts]

Thank you for the replies, and no your post isnt unpopular, its the up front truth, and thank you. as far as the other goes, i dont know why im afraid to do for me, i fear rejection from her constantly,i dont need it but i want her approval in everything i do. and if i feel like its something she wont approve of ill freak out and lie about it. she goes to bars and drinks at least oncea week, sometimes more and im always home on my days off. i just feel like shes completely sick of me. i think i would be to beacause of the lies. But since i realize it all now, i just hope its not to late for us. I love her to much, i need her in my life.

[RobertoPNW]

You need a serious committment to counseling now. If not you'll regret it after a divorce. Did you have any issues like this with your mother? Might be you are having trouble releasing from her bond.

[Mvogts]

I dont recall ever having any problems like this with my family. I told her that i will call around and get counceling tomorrow but all she says is she dont give a damn what i do. and whatever, it doesnt matter. So im stuck, im going to do it regarless, but i just hope it brings her around to see im serious about us making it work.

[dyermaker]

Are you sure she's not already withdrawn?

[Mvogts]

I hope she isnt, but at times i honestly feel ive already lost her, she comes and goes with making me feel that way.one minute or weeks at a time everything eill be fine, feeling good, then next thing ya know she waits till im at work and calls me and tell s me she doesnt want to do this or she doesnt know if she can do this or not. So i really dont know how she really feels about me, she says she loves me and wants to be with me, shes just sick of the lies, she wont trust me, she doesnt know if she wants to stay around and waste time trying to find out.

[dyermaker]

Good, you know what you need to do, I hope it's not too late.

 

You don't need to just stop lying, you need to reposition your role in the relationship. You can't be dishonest, but you can't be subjugated either--you shouldn't live in fear of her, nor seek her approval so much, perhaps it's that puppydog attitude that tricks you into lying to her in the first place, because you're afraid of what she might think.

 

Roberto's recommendation to see a counselor is not a bad one.

[Mvogts]

I appreciate the responses, i never thought id even get one. I will and am calling for counceling tomorrow. I just hope its not to late. Thanks to all that have replied so far. Hope to hear from more.