Reasons for silence - in need for female insight!

[caretoomuch]

I was in a relationship with a beautiful lady for approximately 12 months. Unfortunately this relationship ended nearly 4 months ago upon her request. the relationship was loving and caring and the reasons for ending where not unpleasant, but rather incompatability. We never fought but external factors affected us. despite this i have come to accept, whilst not liking it, the ending of the relationship. I have not contacted her since 8th January (nearly 7 weeks) except for a single sms last week. this sms was a very courteous 'Hello - how ru ?' from which i never received a reply.

 

My question, and need for female or anyones insight, is why the silence. In my mind i have respected her space and decision and whilst would love a second chance, i understand it is over. Considering the nature of the breakup - very friendly (we in fact had dinner at xmas) i am very confused and saddened by her silence. A simple 'Hello' back would have sufficed. It leads me think why would she not want to reply back to me;

 

Is it

 

1. She hates me

2. She still has feelings for me, but fears rekindling the relationship

3. The relationship was not important to her

 

etc ....

 

I would appreciate any insights into why this silence as it has filled my mind and it saddenes me greatly that we cannot now even talk occasionally as friends. To go from talk of marriage and children in september to the silence of now. Please any help to understand why someone would be this way. i genuinely want to move on but i want to be friends and be able to remember our relationship.

 

cheers

[Reckless]

Sometimes being 'just friends' with an ex isn't possible. Sometimes even though you've moved on, the potential to re-ignite the relationship sits, like so much combustible material, waiting for a spark. Sometimes, with some people, ANY contact is like a wedge that will crack open the relationship you're presently in or destroy the hard earned peace of mind you're trying to gain after a break-up. A simple 'hello how are you' could bring everything tumbling down around your ears. In those cases, friendship just isn't an option.

 

Far from meaning she 'hates you' it might mean (your second point) that she still likes you, a lot and just cannot take a single step down a road that could reintroduced feelings that you both agreed couldn't lead anywhere. Don't take it as a sign that your relationship meant nothing, that is not only unlikely but harmful for you, recognise that her silence may be for her, the lesser of two evils as she sees your 'hi' as "can we please re-establish some kind of a relationship, even if it's just as friends?" (it's just as likely, as you were the dumpee rather than the dumper, that she read it as 'can I be your boyfriend again?'..) and thinks it easier (read: less painful and complicated for you both) to reply 'no, sorry' by not replying at all.

 

You don't need to be in contact with her to 'remember' the relationship as you put it. The memories are there don't spoil them. It sounds as if you are seeking 'closure' (I hate that term..), seeking to bring things full circle with a 'neat little' footnote 'and they remained good friends for ever more' but the full circle in your case may not bring you to where you were friends before you were lovers but back before you even knew her at all; accept that with grace and move on (completely).

 

R.

 

Ps. 4 months is really not a long time when we're talking post break-up and in all likelihood you will get a note from her but much further down the line (people, especially women are incredibly curious about ex-boyfriends..) but even then curiosity doesn't necessarily mean friendship so beware and watch your heart....

 

Peace.

[caretoomuch]

thanx R,

 

I tend to think option 2 is the one .... and I can understand that she may feel any contact from me at the moment is me trying to re-ignite things. In a small way that is probably right, i feel we could make it work, but i must respect and accept her decision. After the breakup we had numerous interactions (as she put it) which were always positive. This confused her a lot during her 'need space' phase until she eventually said that my persistence was upsetting her. This tends to support the 'i still have feelings for you but no reconciliation is possible'. She had a daughter and i have 2 boys and we were a family and i know that I and my boys miss her terribly and this disappoints me that we cannot still have some friendship. I dont want to annoy her by continually contacting her and i am loathed to ring a ask for some form of friendship. It has been 7 weeks since last seeing her and she may well be in a new relationship - but to say nothing to me makes me feel that it was not real and not important to her. I dont want her to 'fear' contact with me but i have no way to make this happen. The kids miss her daughter as they always played well together and i would like for their sake to re-establish that.

 

As i said if she still has feelings and the external factors (me finalising a divorce settlement) have now disappeared - i would love to stay in her life and maybe in time re-ignite the love we so strongly had. Maybe i will contact her again in a few months as it will be my 40th birthday. This may be an opportunity to test possible friendship.

[Arabess]

................or the horrible 4th option: She is in a relationship with someone else.

 

Reckless is right. Give it some time. Let HER make the next move.

 

Good Luck. I know after a break up, it's so hard to just move on as though it didn't exist. Later, it just becomes a part of your 'life' memories....but for awhile....the whole thing sucks!

[caretoomuch]

You might be right ... it has been 4.5 months and she could be in another relationship (more than likely she is), but this doesnt bother me as she has made her decision and i accept it. what hurts is the silence as if we never happened, and i feel what we achieved deserves more respect than that. Time will tell and maybe at her initiation she may contact me.

 

How does her being in a new relationship stop her from saying hello, i am not asking to hang out and do things together, i am not threatening her new relationship but rather just wanting common courtesy as it was not an ugly breakup. As reckless said - maybe her female curiousity will get the better of her down the track and she may call. i am not waiting watching the phone and life goes on - so i might as well get on board for the trip.

 

cheers

[mandrews1119]

Dear care,

I tend to think option 2 is the one, whether she is in a relationship or not. Sometimes a woman either seeks or needs another relationship or to date in order to distance herself or to try to convince herself of heaven only knows what. It is often from doing this that some people realize just how much they really do love/miss/or prefer the relationship they have just left as they learn the grass isn't always greener on the other side. As you no doubt have already read here, your next steps are to do as much work on keeping your sanity as possible, and not to obsess over things as best you can. This is usually the hardest thing to do because one just doesn't walk away from love without repercussions. Kepp an open and positive frame of mind and do the things which are comfortable for you, and be prepared for the future and any contact that occurs. you ask why she cannot contact you or be cordial. she can't because the emotions are still too painful, and too raw. she may also be going through a stage of trying to convince herself that leaving was the right thing to do. This is very delicate because if you try to contact her in this mode, the chances are she may be pushed further away. believe me, she KNOWS exactly how you feel about her. Try and examine the things that she felt separated you guys in the first place, so you can make the proper adjustments in your life, for the future (which hopefully may include another chance at love with her). When she is ready and able, she will make contact with you. If you are just compelled to contact her - make it short, and general, lest she get the wrong message. Look at it this way - what would cause you to act like she is? Too much hurt and pain is usually in there somewhere. You have to give her time to heal, no matter how much time that is. If you try to force things now, and believe me - to her, you ARE forcing things, you will become the dreaded "boyfriend/stalker from hell" - and that is the last thing you would want.

[caretoomuch]

You mention sanity - i feel so lost and confused. I want to move on but my head cannot stop thinking of her. I guess she is in a new relationship as she seemed to be a lady in a hurry (one of the reasons we broke up was me being too slow on the marriage front). i fear her not ever wanting to contact me and that would be a shame and a great lose. the reasons for breaking up were my divorce settlement consuming me, but now that is all over. i am not sure if it is option 2 or option 4 - or maybe both. she said i had hurt her a lot - never intentionally but hurt her all the same - and that maybe is the reason for no contact. i find it hard to understand that 2 people who were so close and now we cannot even say 'hello r u ok' - i care and i feel i always will - is she going to fear my caring. maybe any contact may hurt what ever she is building now with someone else and she doesnt want to risk that.

 

she owes me some money but i am loathed to remind her about it because fear of pushing her further away. i want to respect her space and the no contact.

 

i dont know - i think i am going insane. i understand everything but still cant move on. i love her so much and i suppose she knows this.

[Arabess]

You still love her. The truth is...you don't want a simple 'How are you?".....you want to open the communication lines up for a possible reconciliation.

 

Maybe she knows this and she is trying to avoid it.....to avoid hurting you any further.

 

It's hard not to read into things when you really want someone back into your life. Just a simple 'hello' can give false hope.

 

I'm not minimizing what you are saying.....I'm just looking at it from another angle.

[LikkleMissConfused]

Hi there,

 

I have been in the position of the lady you are trying to contact. My opinion is leave it alone. Be happy that it ended nicley and it wasn't going to work! Thats it end of story! I know all you want is a "How r u doing?" back but we can't answer why she hasn't or won't do that.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is get the message and don't think about it again and stop hurting yourself by putting yourself in a vunerable position. I bet its hard for her not to reply but she is obviously moving on and probably with someone else that is the only thing that held me back from responded to my ex. So let it be. You sound like a very mature and understanding person so please don't keep asking yourself questions that you can't answer. Let it go!!!! Take care

[mandrews1119]

Care,

In essence I somewhat agree with the responses you have received stating that you are still in love with your ex. And that you cannot try to force things or do too much at this time. I disagree however with the concluded theory that all is lost or over. Last month or so a few of us went on and on about this point. Most people post from their personal experiences, and if they have not turned out well, then their advice follows that vein. I am sure there are also people out there that have had very different experiences and results as well. I am not saying you must do one or the other, just be aware there are varying points of view. Some people are better moving on and are emotionally set for this, some people have hope, and yet others know their own relationships well enough to chart their own course. Whichever path you choose, make sure it is with love, dignity and respect. If everything was meant to only be one way, no one esle would have opinions, would they? All relationships and breakups would just all go one way. Since that isn't the case, then you do not have to just accept that it is "over". If you read this site enough, you will see that people have reunited after varying periods of time, No one route is absolute. Read, post, vent, and learn accordingly.

[caretoomuch]

I agree that me still being in love with this lady is an issue with her. The obvious desire to try to reconcile would be a put off for her. I do not fear, as it is not my place, the fact that she is probably starting a new relationship (after all she isnt a nun and it has been 4.5 months), but i do fear that we cannot be close or firends. She meant so much to me that to have her in my life in some form would be enough for me. she was a friend and i would like that to continue. i understand that any contact from her would, in her eyes, be giving false hope. but at some stage in this process we just need to be good humans again and hopefully be able to talk. I can only assume that any contact from me could be seen as a threat to the new relationship she is possibly trying to build and i can understand that she wouldnt want the ex creating problems.

 

I honestly dont know if it is option 2 or 4 and i suppose it the unknown that is driving me crazy - i am a computer programmer and have logical thought patterns (except when i have been at the bar too long) and it is this over analysing problems that is in my head at the moment. Too many unknowns and no real answers - just hypotheticals. I guess only she knows the real truth and I may never get the answers. I know i dont want her hurt by me or anyone else and hence I will act with dignity and respect for her and the memory of our love.

 

and who knows miracles do happen .... in time .....

 

cheers

[mandrews1119]

I understand because most of us guys either have been or are in the same boat, more or less. Here's a question to ponder: would you prefer to be 'friends' when you know full well that your intent is to reunite, or would you prefer that you guys just come together naturally and honestly and make an honest try at reconciling if that is the case, when it happens? Because of the love that the two of you have shared, it makes it very difficult if not impossible to be just "friends" - that would be a lie to you both. Right now it is just TOO MUCH for her to do this, for whatever reasons she may have. And if she is dating, then the absence will only allow her to reflect on the two of you in a positive way, we hope. Be patient, realize you are in this for the long haul, and work on being ready if and when the time comes for you again. It isn't what we'd like, but it is usually most (or all) that we who have been left have.

[dario]

I don't think I can be friends with my ex. Just my thought. I am friends with 1 ex and she's long distant. But...all the other ex's when it's been tried...I've tried to fight my feelings and I get the feeling that I'm being patronized sometimes. So I let it be...I don't let friendship continue.

[caretoomuch]

Well i can understand that some relationships when they have finished mean you cannot be friends. the truth is that i would not have any contact with my ex wife except for our boys - otherwise i have no desire to talk with her. But sometimes if the relationship ends on a friendly basis i can see that friendship can be achieved. i would love to be still involved in my ex gf life and also her daughters. we shared so much and achieved so much in life that I see being a part of their lives as an enjoyable thing. yes it may be hard to stop ur emotions but if u are prepared to do this and not interfer too much in their lives then it must be a good thing.

 

i must give her time and see if this is also what she wants.

 

I am interested in the comments about females wanting to know what thier exs are doing - why is this so ? any thoughts team ....

 

cheers

[caretoomuch]

mandrews1119

 

Thanx for the advice ....

 

I feel obviously that reconciliation is my preference but i also think that maybe to become good friends first and then maybe lovers second is a good way to start a NEW relationship.

 

but if that is not possible (which appears to be the case) i would be very pleased just to be friends - you can never have too many friends and sometimes they are more valuable than a lover. she is the type of person that would be a great friend.

 

i just dont want her to fear me as such and think that contact should never be attempted

[Graciegrace]

Maybe she just lost that spark for you. i know that sounds bad, but I have been guilty of that. When I was married I had a great relationship, but something was missing, and i still can't put my finger on it. So now I have been split up for about five months. My ex calls me every day, and it really bothers me. He calles me at work, because he knows I will answer. Then he begs me back. All that does is make me want to talk to him less. My advice is if she has not called you then she is over you, and trying to avoid hurting you more. Just give up on her. It is normal to want to leave the person with a last great time, but try that in you next relationship. Learn from this one, and move on.

[caretoo]

We are in a somewhat "similar" situation only my is more complicated.

 

The female perspective:

 

Several months ago I fell hard for a guy I worked with. I was engaged at the time (l-o-n-g engagement ) My feelings started to escalate as I got closer to my wedding date. Then circumstances were such that one of us moved several hours away.

 

You may think I'm an awful person but I can't stop thinking of him. I think of him every day. We exchanged a letter and sadly admitted our feelings but wished each other well. I told him I was happy. Lie. I am not. Will I be? I don't know. I thought that it was the correct thing to do in order for him to go away. I wanted to give my husband the respect he deserved. I didn't want to threaten my new marriage. I offered to keep in touch as long as it was light easy conversation. No response.

 

But now, I think I have made a huge mistake. I have married someone I love but that I'm not in love with. We hardly have any sex life (he has very low libido) and although he is sweet, and loves me very much, the truth is I am not happy. There is this terrible void that I thought I could live with but now I don't think I can. We have already talked about a separation and we have only been married for 6 months! A therapist told us that we would probably be better off as good friends!

 

I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to call this other man or send him an email and tell him the truth. I am frozen. I CANNOT DO IT. I am trying very hard to move on and make the most of it. But, I too wonder if he has found someone, if he hurts at all, or if he casually just wrote me off as if our relationship/friendship was nothing. Even if I do separate I know I won't be able to work up the courage to contact him.

 

I want you to know that there is probably a very good chance that she is still thinking of you ...maybe much more than you know.

[mandrews1119]

Dear caretoo,

I hope things work out for you. It is enlightening to know there is another point of view about this from the feminine side. I think there are probably a lot of situations where the one who left maintains "no contact" for more or other reasons than to "spare" hurting the one they left. Such as finding out the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side, fear, or realizing they had made a mistake and not knowing what to do about it. If so, ladies, please offer your insights.

[sami]

Incompatablity is good enough to send any two parties apart.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by caretoomuch

she owes me some money but i am loathed to remind her about it because fear of pushing her further away. i want to respect her space and the no contact.

 

There's a possibility, however remote, that the reason she ignored you is that she KNOWS she still owes you some money.....and is afraid that if you were to start communicating again, you might ask her if/when she was going to repay you, or something along those lines........so by avoiding you, she won't have to worry about it.

 

??

 

Was it a large sum of money?

[sami]

I don't believe it is only money. There must be other good reasons. You try to find out.

[mandrews1119]

Sami,

What you just said is exactly my point from the other post. There usually IS more than one reason, or one SET of reasons. The money (in this case) may be the tool for avoidance, but not the root cause. I knew we basically agreed!

[sami]

I'm glad that we are in agreement on this part.

[caretoo]

Thank you, Mandrews.

[mandrews1119]

Dear Caretoo,

 

How are you handling things? Are you still in counseling? Are you unhappy enough to leave? If you do, would you consider contacting the other person then? And if not, are you going to? Is it just curiousity or interest? Do you feel you would like to have a relationship? Let me tell you that he is more than likely thinking of you much more than you may think.

 

My statement to you is that you should not wait until you think it is a thing of the past, even if it is an honest, " I was wondering" contact, as long as you both are above board. I am not speaking from the perspective of advocating you leave your marriage, but from honesty. It all depends on where you are at about things.