Reasons for silence - in need for female insight!

[caretoomuch]

mandrews,

 

i agree

 

she is a walker and i am a fighter .....

 

do the two ever intersect ?

 

caretoo,

 

yes i do honestly want more and she will see that instantly ...

 

better to go for it than regret it forever though ... it is not courage more lack of courage to stand in silence and take my medicine. your case is different as you have 2 people probably wanting the same thing but it needs one of you to make the first move. he wont because he thinks u r happily married ... it must come from you to tell him that this is not the case. it is a measure of him that he can walk away out of respect for your marriage. you owe it to him (and yourself) to set the record straight. my case i want it she doesnt.

[SoleMate]

Would you reply to such an e-mail and if so what form would that reply be ?

I probably would, but it would be more of a short, sweet acknowledgment and hint to move on. It would really depend on my feelings. If I were totally disgusted with the guy, I would probably just click "delete".

[caretoomuch]

Soulmate,

 

I fully understand and support any person walking away from an unhealthy relationship. Verbal, mental and physical abuse should never be accepted. But in my case, as with the majority, I had a relationship build on love, respect and caring. I am not asking for reconciliation with my ex, despite still wanting that, what I am asking for is to maintain contact and to continue the caring that we started.

 

My relationship was based on a lady and her daughter struggling with the material side of life. I gave constantly not because i had to but because i wanted to. Love was my motivation. Similarly my ex, who had no financial or material things to give, gave considerably in an emotional sense. We were in love and constantly spoke of being a family. I wanted to clean out my emotional cupboard from my failed marriage and then to start my new life. The basic facts are that in my exs mind i took too long to do this. We parted ways friendly and we spoke and saw each other afterwards. On 4 separate occasions my ex called me for help and i responded. Each time this happened we had very positive interactions (to put it simply we were all over each other as if nothing had changed). One such occasion led to her initiating a very beautiful love making session.

 

I write this because it is not the end of the relationship i am questioning but rather how we have gone from the positive interactions after the breakup to now were she does not even speak to me. I have seen her once since Dec 21 and only spoken twice. since Jan 8 i have sent 2 e-mails and 1 sms. I am struggling with understanding why the shift. I didnt 'disgust' her and i feel let down by her now silence. Yes the relationship is over but why does that mean the end of knowing each other. We went 2.5 months after the breakup having a friendly good relationship. It is not about moving on - i am doing this - but why does moving on mean i have to deny that our friendship ever happened ? That is my issue and my pain.

[caretoomuch]

Caretoo,

 

what is ur latest situation .... have you thought more about contacting the om ?

 

I cant get my ex out of my head at the moment ... very frustrating when u need to move on and you want to move on but every thought turns to the ex. i think i am doing this to myself but i cant turn it off.

 

cheers

[caretoo]

Hi C,

 

I wanted to share something with you that may help you to be patient.

 

When I received my letter (which although sweet, was not as long or heartwrenching as yours) I immediately tucked it away and tried not to think about it for 2 -3 weeks. The reason being, it scared me to think of what my response would mean to my life. I wanted him but a part of me was afraid of such a drastic change. I have no track record of stability with him... so quite risky.

 

Then I spent the next 2-3 weeks trying to figure out how to respond if at all. I was conflicted and it was at this point I went to a therapist to "talk". I was still a mess. I wanted to appear happy so that he wouldn't feel like he had let me down (His letter indicated to me that that he was blaming himself... the "what if" thing.)

 

I also had to consider what my response would mean to my life, job, husband/ family relationships, sanity, etc. So it was a total of 6-7 weeks before I sent my reponse. (Even after i sent it I second guessed my response, and thought I should have given myself MORE time!!!) Can you believe this?

 

On "the" day I just woke up and decided that today would be the day. I don't know why it was that day, but I was feeling good on this particular day and felt that my state of mind was right.

 

So you see, caretoomuch, it may be awhile before you hear back from her. I hope this insight helps you to understand some possible reasons why it may take her some time to respond. She may be in the "tuck it, can't deal yet" phase right now. Give it a few weeks and then some... Try to be patient...I feel for you...waiting is SO hard, but so is responding.

 

As for me...?

This insight will give you an understanding why I haven't confessed the truth yet. I am planning a trip to Europe this summer. It's keeping my mind busy. Escape... I'm good at this. My head is in the sand at the moment.

[caretoomuch]

I have a strong desire to be silent for the moment but have a feeling that at easter in 5 weeks time to send a card and eggs for her daughter... what do you guys think.

 

too pushy ????

 

maybe i should just fade away quietly as she obviously isnt interested. i cannot even be sure she has read the email i sent

[caretoo]

c,

 

Go get yourself an "upbeat" cd, turn up the volume and take a long drive. Buy something (clothing, hat, shades, etc.) that makes you feel good. Think of yourself as a really good catch and believe it. Convince yourself of it! It will make you feel, act and look better. I guarantee it. Do this whenever you can't stand thinking of her anymore. Selfish? Conceited? Absolutely!!!

 

Also, I once heard that if what you are doing isn't working for you then do the opposite. Do something totally not "you. Try "stepping out of the box" for awhile and see how it makes you feel. A beard? a tatoo? Only you know what that is.

 

I would not send the Easter card /basket. Plan something wonderful for yourself instead. A party, an outdoor adventure, a trip, maybe?

 

YOU have fun!

[caretoomuch]

C,

 

If I did this i would be broke very quickly.

 

UR right in that i should leave easter alone and let her fade into memory. I have had a few 'good' offers over the past 3 months but just cannot seem to get motivated to do it all again. I' feel i have too much invested in this and it is not fully over yet. Wishful thinking i guess. I can attract the women just cant seem to keep them. Oh well tomorrow is another day and the sun will come up.

 

I like going 'crazy' every now and then as u suggested but with two little boys and being a single parent I sometimes run out of time and energy.

 

What r u doing for easter - fancy a trip to australia ???????? Now that is out of the normal for me.

 

cheers

 

have fun

[caretoomuch]

ps.

 

i have tried this and it makes me feel good for a couple of days - but in the end I still wake up alone and that is more important to me - money cant buy that feeling.

 

cheers

[mandrews1119]

Hi folks,

Just figured I'd stick another two cents worth in here. Ctmuch, I understand fully where your head is right now, I'm in a very similar place. Maintain your sanity, maintain your integrity. It is ok that others aren't moving you in the way your ex does, in fact it is normal. Unless one is just throwing themselves into something (rebound, or Mr./Ms. Right Now, or trying to prove something), most people don't just turn love off like a light switch. It is ok because most people forget that if you are in love and intend to reunite (or at least attempt to) - it is a LONG TERM deal. If you aren't in for the duration, it may not work. The key at this point is timing. You must keep the doors open and also work on staying sane and making whatever changes are needed to make things better for the future, and be prepared for the chance when it arises. You will probably find that she has been doing something very similar when you get around to reaching out to each other. The question of who has been dating, how it was going are all incidental once you can reconnect. The only thing that will matter is if the both of you still have enough "magic" to give things another try. I think that you (and most lovers who honestly try) do.! There is a strength in reuniting that is as powerful (if not moreso) as any type of love there is. Something about beating the odds and you and her vs. the world. Best of luck.

[caretoo]

"- fancy a trip to australia????????"

 

Alright C... NO CONTACT for you!!!

 

Thanks for making me smile.

[caretoomuch]

Caretoo,

 

What is ur latest news .... has the marriage improved at all or are you still in love with the OM ?

 

No contact ..... how will i cope ......

 

I am a hardened veteran now on this no contact rule .... i have fought with the best of them.

 

Have you registered yet so we can all send private messages ?

 

mandrews,

 

I agree ... you cannot just turn it off. Just as i cannot convince the ex to look at me, likewise she cannot make me just turn it off (as much as i want to).

 

Sometimes i think that the energy required to start again with someone new is just too hard. But i will. Without love or the desire to love and be loved the world would be very dull place. We need something in our lives to gives us the motivation to get out of bed every morning and watch the sunrise. It is called HOPE - a very powerful force. The magic of love strikes when u least expect it so i am going to sit back and stop trying to make it happen.

 

cheers from Oz

[caretoo]

Seriously, I know what you mean about thinking all of the time. I used to wake up every am consumed with thoughts of him. But as work pressures mounted they sort of replaced these thoughts on certain days. I never thought that I would be grateful for WORK PRESSURES, but stangely I was.

 

I still have THOSE days. However, with every day it seems to get a little better. I wasn't suggesting that you spend a lot of money... just that you do something that makes you feel good. You sound like a wonderful father and I'm sure your sons would like to see their Dad having fun.

 

I totally understand your reluctance to "date". You are obviously not ready and it would not be enjoyable for you. But would any of these women like to be platonic friends?

 

It sounds to me that part of your sadness stems from missing the family outings you used to share with your ex gf and her daughter. Maybe you could find a women friend who is interested in just having fun with the kids (your and hers)? Every relationship doesn't have to get serious. Some are just plain fun. And it would be so good for your boys.

 

Good luck my friend. Now go get something pierced!

c

[caretoomuch]

Sometimes I still wake up early in the morning and I think of her still being in the bed next to me ... it takes 10-30 seconds to realise she isnt there anymore ... that makes me sad.

 

2 months ago i was happy to go to bed at 10pm and sleep until 3am now i get to 5am so it is getting better.

 

My youngest son (8yrs old) wants to have his ears pierced ... i am a coward for those things ... maybe a tattoo ...

 

I dont really have a reluctance to date but more a feeling that those ladies who have come in to my life since dont really compare to what i had ... i am a bit fussy which is strange for a beggar like me ... i had a girl who was a 9 out of 10 so i dont see the benefit in going for a 6 or 7 out 10 ... beggars can be choosey but usually go home alone. I fear i have made the ex into a bit of a goddess in my mind and i need to have a reality check ... i miss the family feeling we all had and fear the work needed to begin afresh to get back to the stage i was with the ex.

 

but if i dont try i will be alone forever.

 

maybe a ring through the nose .... hmmmmm

 

have fun and keep smiling

[Miz Determined]

SHE DOES NOT HATE YOU. I WAS IN THE SAME SITUATION AND I AM A FEMALE. HE WANTED TO END IT AND I DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHY. IT HURT SO MUCH BUT I WENT ALONG WITH IT. THOUGH, IT DID NOT STAY THAT WAY. WE ENDED UP TOGETHER AGAIN FOR A FEW MORE YEARS BUT EVENTUALLY WE CAME TO AN END. I AM SAYING THIS BECAUSE IF A MATE DECIDES THERE NEED TO BE AN END, IT'S BEST TO ACCEPT IT EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS BECAUSE IN THE LONG RUN, IT PAYS OFF. YOU WILL LEARN SOMETHING FROM THE RELATIONSHIP. I WAS WITH A MAN FOR 10 YEARS. FIRST FIVE OFF AND ON; HE WANTED TO END IT; I DID NOT. IT HURT BUT I DID IT. THIS TIME APART WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW STRONG YOUR LOVE IS. ALL I HAVE TO SAY SIR IS THIS: IF IT'S MEANT TO BE YOU WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN. LET NATURE TAKES ITS COURSE AND IF THE LOVE YOU HAD BETWEEN YOU IS INDESCRIBABLE, DEPENDING UPON THE TWO OF YOU, IT WILL FIND ITS WAY HOME.

 

WITH LOVE AND SUPPORT

 

MIZ DETERMINED!

[caretoomuch]

Agreed ... i am not disputing the ending of the relationship but rather her silence and apparent refusal to be friendly. I send an sms saying hello once in 8 weeks and i get no reply .... it is this silence that hurts me - to act like we never were. i accept the end of the relationship, despite wanting reconciliation, but i cannot accept the silence now.

 

i can only assume that she has a new relationship and doesnt want the ex (me) hurting her new relationship by contacting her and pissing off the new bf.

 

otherwise why would you not say hello back.

 

I would like to believe in the thoery that it will find its way home ... but if she cannot even say 'hello' to me what chance love being rekindled.

 

cheers

[caretoomuch]

I was re-reading my previous post and i think that the word 'hurt' is not the right word. I am 'disappointed' by her silence rather than hurt. Our relationship was one between a 38/39 yr old male and a 40/41 yr old female - i have 2 children (8 and 10) whilst she had an 11 yr old daughter. The disappointment is that we spent a lot of time together as a family and her silence now does hurt the children. My boys loved her and the daughter and miss them terribly as i miss her daughter. To be obviously excluded from their lives now, and excluding themselves from my boys lives, is very difficult to explain to children. My son just turned 10 and he wanted to invite the daughter to his birthday party and i struggled to explain why we couldnt just ring and invite her - how can i make them understand when i dont. We were more than just 20 yr olds with some puupy love we were a family - the dynamics of recovery from this breakup is far more complicated than just some puppy love gone wrong.

 

I only had this lady in my life for 13 months total but in that time my children came to look at her as a second mother and her daughter as their sister - they actually called her 'mummydee' (the 'dee' being a dirivative of her real name).

 

So i think it is better said that her silence disappoints me considering the affects of it on our children. I guess they are sad and hurt by this. we could be just be friends for the kids sakes.

[Miz Determined]

Patience is something that we do not have much of as human beings. she may feel pressured or afraid. the love you have for her may not be something she can't handle and therefore she needs space. she may be afraid to excel to the next level in the relationship you two had. if you love her like you say you do; wait. Let a time period pass that you think "may" be sufficient enough for her. Approach her again and tell her to let you know what she wants. if she has made up her mind about her life, love, future or whatever she needs to let you know what the deal is so that you will not be hanging on for forever if her love is not strong enough. i understand what you are saying but do not give up. the silence is a killer. that i do know too but it may be worth it. Love has its own rules. if you feel that waiting will not work, go to her. tell her to let you know RIGHT THEN; what she wants. ASK HER. She must tell you something if you ever meant anything to her.

 

Miz Determined!!

 

Love and Support!

[caretoomuch]

You said 'She must tell you something if you ever meant anything to her' - that is why i started this thread - i am questioning why the silence. I agree only she knows the answer - but if i cannot even have her respond to a 'hello' sms then how can i ever approach her to discuss our relationship and any future for it. This is what i want to do (and i am prepared to wait for it) and that is why i test the water every now and then - but i continually get no reply - even to basic common courtesy messages of 'hello how r u ?'.

 

I want to know the boundaries - maybe her silence is telling me those boundaries - if so hence my disappointment and confusion to understand why.

 

i think we dont have any future love - but for other reasons i would like a friendship relationship. if we do have a future love then i strongly desire to start as friends and to remain in her life and not just be ignored and fade away. i understand she might have fear but to not reply at all does hurt.

 

my guess as i have previously said is that she is in a new relationship and doesnt want me around in any form to confuse her new bf. i can understand this and maybe it is our future. - no relationship at all. maybe our relationship meant more to me than her - this is what i dont know.

[caretoo]

C,

 

Borrowing this from somewhere (can't remember where):

 

"Silence is an answer". Wow, that hurts, huh?

 

It is good to have another's poster's point of view... gives new perspective and starts one thinking again in new ways...

 

Maybe she is afraid of hurting the children again/more if you get together and it doesn't work out. ??? To put them through that again would be too hard. Mothers fiercely protect their children (like mother bears).

 

Or:

She is seeing someone else and doesn't want to hurt you by flaunting her new relationship in your face, knowing how you truly feel. (She could only resume friendship with you if your strong feelings for her were truly over.) She may think too much of you to hurt you this way. Ughhhhhhhh. Not what you want to hear, I know.

 

Yes,

I'm still feeling love/infatuation for OM. I'm having a hard time tonight. Seems like all of the music coming across the waves is so sad. I should turn it off. My H is away on business so I am alone. But I am glad. I don't have to hide this sadness.

 

I'm beginning to think there is something terribly wrong with me for holding on so long to a relationship that never was. But that may be the problem. It was just "nipped in the bud" never having a chance to bloom. It might be easier now if it had had a chance to cool down first. Ahhhhhhhhhh.......... I have got to snap out of this.

 

Tonight, I have decided to just let it go. I am tired of feeling like a fool. If there was any chance he would have accepted my offer of friendship. That would have been enough for now. I have to accept this and get on with my life.

 

I don't know what I will do about my marriage. I will stay put for now while I decide. Eventually, I feel that I will leave it, but at least the pressure is off to act immediately. Who knows...tomorrow is another day. Maybe I will differently. I should go to bed and stop thinking and listening to this sad music.

[caretoomuch]

c,

 

definately option 2 .... but with a twist .... i think she doesnt want me around in any form because i have nothing to offer and will only ruin her plans for her latest victim (ooops i mean boyfriend).

 

silence is an answer that says what we had was not very important to her and it was just another notch in her belt ... i may remember it for a while but i am sure she wishes it never happened. she didnt want me but rather she wanted someone to be a husband and father - i call it plug and play men - this one doesnt work so get another. i feel sorry for this lady but more i feel very sad for her daughter because she will grow up thinking this is the natural way relationships happen. she took everything but gave nothing.

 

she is so use to running away that i think she has forgotten what love is .... heros can only save those who want to be saved ... she can live by her decision now and hopefully regret it in time ... but knowing her she never will.

 

her loss

 

isnt there something in your heart that wants to make ur marriage work ... u seem so negative - isnt there any positives that can make it happen - what is it about ur husband that makes u feel like giving up ? is it just the memory of the om ? try and find ways to make it work - there was / is love there it just needs to be rediscovered - dont give up and try.

[caretoo]

C,

 

You sound very bitter today. First time I've heard that.

Maybe that means your getting a bit closer to letting go ???

 

I am feeling less sad tonight. I know I should focus more on my marriage but it is sometimes so hard to look at. You see, because of my husbands low libido, I feel very rejected. I'm told it is not anything to do with me...he just has this problem. He is also very inhibited because of things in his past. I knew this going into the relationship. I do still love him but it is so hard.

 

I used to think that I was just not his type. I don't want to sound conceited, but I have a good figure (men actually ask him how he "bagged me"). But his lack of desire does lower my self esteem at times. I have never experienced this kind of rejection with any other man...just my husband. He is a wonderful person in many ways and most everyone thinks the world of him. This is why I love him. But loving him and being his wife are two different things.

 

I have had to turn my mind off as far as desiring him. I have done this and I can truly say that I am not excited by him anymore. He is also very disiplined and I am more of a free spirit. This leaves me frustrated too.

 

I think this is why I found the OM so attractive. He was attracted to me and it awakened normal feelings in me that had been lying dormant. I also had so much in common with him in many other ways. I can't seem to appreciate my husband like I should because compared to the OM he seems overly controlled/uptight. The other man's nature was more compatible to mine and he made me laugh (that alone is the killer!)

 

It is so complicated, as most relationships are, so I am not sure if anyone will understand. Basically, I screwed up. I should not have gotten married. Now I have a mess to sort out. It is no ones fault but my own. I will though when I figure out how. c

[caretoomuch]

c,

 

I ebb and flow between regret and love for this lady to trying to hate her ... i love her still but maybe making myself hate her is the only way to let go. I dont hate her and i dont want to so i am fooling myself with that. she doesnt deserve my hate and what i am going through is no fault of hers but at times it helps to try and hate her to justify moving on. it is time this episode of my life became a memory of the past - but i still wake up and my first thought is always her. her stunning inner and outer beauty fills my head and i still just smile when i think of her. how can i ever contemplate moving on to a new relationship when this is in my head - it wouldnt be fair on another woman to start a relationship still with thoughts of the ex in my mind - but i cant turn it off no matter how much i want to. Nothing compares - and i can tell u i go out every night trying to find someone and talk and flirt with others but nothing grabs me to the extent of wanting a relationship. i am not a one-night stand person and cannot even think of doing that if no attraction / love is in my mind.

 

have u tried talking to ur husband about the low sex drive .... i personally cannot understand it but my ex-wife had a low drive and it was very frustrating for me. my ex-girlfriend on the other hand was even higher than me which was great - we never got to the bedroom most times (which is hard with kids around). arent there books on this subject that could help you to subvertly help him ?

 

take care and keep that smile happening .... cheers from oz. as the song says 'it can only get better'.

[mandrews1119]

Dear Caretoo,

I understand how you feel, your situation is very similar to mine, except I am not married, but going through a set of circumstances ( a child is involved) and co-parenting with a person who is hell-bent on making my life miserable if she cannot have me. This made things so intolerable for my ex until she left. Now I have to put all the pieces back together and hopefully she will be able to realize that "we" are worth the effort. I am practicing distance and no contact so she doesn't think I am obsessing or stalking her. I think that is a convienent excuse for some folks to use, because there is a world of difference between caring, hoping and stalking. I am not for harassing or stalking in any form and I think it should be prosecuted when it happens, but also it is really up to the person being contacted to choose how they interpret the contact. some people want to have contact in some form or another, some consider any attempt to be stalking. Go figure.! My ex and I share a very LTR (over 15 years) so some of the conventional things posted here either don't apply, or apply in different ways. Love is patient however, and I hope you sort your way through your dilemma. My way has been this: there is no reason or person or way one should stay in something that they do not feel. There is no real marriage without honest love, and nothing can substitute for it. If you do, you will always be unsatisfied, wondering "what if", or susceptible to other forms of things going wrong. I wish you the best of luck.

[caretoo]

C,

 

I understand what you mean about trying to hate them. I even went so far as to write a list of all of the traits/behaviors that I didn't like about OM. I kept it in my wallet and every time I started to feel sad I pulled it out and read it. Thinking "ok...I'm glad he's gone and out of my life." But then later the same feelings of affection came rushing back and nothing on the list seemed that bad. Then of course, I would think of all of the traits that outweighed the bad and dismissed them! It is impossible to fool yourself but we all try.

 

As far as going out and meeting people: I think it is good that you are doing this but I know it can be discouraging. Do you find yourself searching for bits and pieces of you ex gf in some of them? When I see someone who is similar in some way to OM I can't help but focus on them. It could be a strong jawline, a hair style, a similar laugh, etc. I see bits and pieces of him everywhere and it's so discouraging b/c it just makes you miss them more.

 

Re my H:

As far as books, counseling, etc. ... we tried all of this several yrs. ago. Quite frankly, I think it bored him. He would rather read The New Yorker!

 

H is very uncomfortable talking about making things better. He has been to the doctor and there is no medical reason other than a slightly low hormone level. He doesn't want to take hormones b/c of cancer risk.

 

He did have an 11 yr. relationship before me. It sounds like it wasn't very exciting but at least he had "some" drive then. I think he is lying to me about being ok with my "type." (His ex resembled Rosie O'Donnell while I resemble Kim Bassinger) There is a world of difference here. When we first started getting intimate his excuse was that he was too intimidated. (He couldn't believe I wanted to be with him.) But it has been a few years. Shouldn't he be over that by now?

 

M,

I just think that I am not my husbands type and never will be. And maybe the answer is that simple. If he has deeper problems that he can't or won't fix, then maybe we are destined to be a typical "love is not enough" statistic.

 

Thanks for listening my cyber friends.