Author caretoomuch Posted March 11, 2004 Author Share Posted March 11, 2004 Just a quick point of clarification ... i was reading my last post and i said i go out every night. I have my boys 9 out of every 28 day cycle and on those days i am a devoted single parent and never leave them alone. however the remaining 19 days i am a bachelor searching for magic. I thought i better clear this up just so people didnt think i left my kids unsupervised. In fact it is an interesting feature of being a divorced father ... the switching between single parent to bachelor is very difficult for me. Kim Bassinger ... maybe i should renew my invite for a trip to australia. I am a Robert Redford myself with a little naughty Tom Hanks thrown in. take care Kim cheers ... Rob from oz. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted March 11, 2004 Author Share Posted March 11, 2004 Caretoo, Just a serious postscript in support of what mandrews said. Until you are clear on which path u are going to take PLEASE do not fall pregnant to your husband and involve a child in this ... it hurts them too much. These messes are a lot easier to clean up without children being involved. Take this advice from my very personal experience ... it tears your heart out to see your kids in pain. cheers c Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 Wow that's the first time I've heard pregnant used as a synonym for victim. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 Ok, ok...I knew I shouldn't have made that analogy. Pregnancy??? Fat chance of that happening!!! I'm going for a drive in the Batmobile. Later, Kim Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted March 12, 2004 Author Share Posted March 12, 2004 Lost, All i meant was that until care is clear on her path to take to avoid pregnancy as it may force her down a path she doesnt want to go. Plus it tears kids apart when marriages / relationships end. The only victim could be care if it happened (and the child). There are no victims only volunteers. Caretoo / kim, Hope you dont bump into Mickey Rourke on your drive in the bat mobile - else you will be gone for 9.5 weeks and who will feed the cat. watch out for ice cubes ...... cheers Rob from oz alias the natural. Have fun and enjoy the drive ....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted March 12, 2004 Author Share Posted March 12, 2004 Lost, can u further explain what u meant by victim ? cheers Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 Until you are clear on which path u are going to take PLEASE do not fall pregnant to your husband and involve a child in this ... it hurts them too much. OK, scratch out the word "pregant" and write in victim. Then read the sentence again. Oh Yeah: when I say scratch out, I mean on a printout, not on your monitor. That would be bad for the monitor. Unless you use a felt tip. But then you'd have to clean the monitor. And you'd probably get ink on your hand. And the ink would soak into your skin. And then you'd have a toxicity reaction to the ink. And then someone would call an ambulance for you. But by the time the ambulance got there it would be too late. You would have recovered from it by then. But then they'd take you to the hospital just to be sure. Then you sit around filling out forms for like three hours. Then a cute nurse would come and take your temperature. And you'd get to talking. Then you'd ask her out. And she'd say yes. And then she'd turn out to actually be some eighty year old guy from Vancouver pretending to be a hot nurse. Oh, wait, that happens on the Internet, not at the hospital. Anyway.. good luck with the nurse. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 You are sure taking a hit on that one, huh? I know exactly what you meant. You see I have also been through the single parent situation myself, having become a mother in my early 20s and then single again 7 yrs later. I can relate to your bachelor/parent dilemma, although, I basically dropped out of the dating game for about 2 yrs at that point. I needed that time for myself and my (twin )sons. It was a time for us to bond as a new family dynamic and for me to figure out how to survive on my own. We did just fine and we are very close to this day. My boys have recently graduated from college and I am soooooo proud of them. They became very strong young men b/c of, or despite adversity. Your boys will too. Didn't run into Mickey last night. Damn! Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 Lost, What a clever little lady you are! Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 Lady? Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 Duhhhhhhhhhh............. It was a joke! Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted March 13, 2004 Author Share Posted March 13, 2004 caretoo / lost, u 2 have lost me ..... but i had a heavy night last night and am not thinking too clear 2day. too many beers, games of pool and rejections from gorgeous 25 yr olds (but it was fun though). my kids are fine and will be fine ..... it is me that i worry about. i am ready to move on and happy to do so ... i am looking but nothing looks back (too much of a rush i fear). but i will regret the loss of the ex forever and to think that i will never see her again or talk to her makes me very sad that she feels she needs to do this. no more attempted contact from me ... i will never fully understand the silence but i will have to live with that as i have no choice. i could accept and understand it if we had a big fight and done and said nasty things but that never happened. it was loving up until the day she said goodbye or 'catch ya' was the exact phrase she used. to think that would be the last thing she would say to me after all we did and went through ... i feel i deserved more than that. sometimes i sit here very sad in that i have lost faith in mankind and the way we treat each other. i will find love again but this didnt need to end this way (or end at all) .... people are such cowards sometimes. cheers Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 Go see her in person. Don't just pop in on her but call and tell her you are coming in an hour. Don't ask if it is alright. Tell her. (very important) When you call, don't tell her why you are coming, keep it short. She will be curious. Do not take the children. Sit down face to face and get the answers you need. Take it or leave it but that is my advice. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 caretoo, duhhhh.... ok, fella, I get it. You guys are all alike. ?? Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 Guys? Sorry, couldn't resist. All in good humor, c Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted March 13, 2004 Author Share Posted March 13, 2004 Care, The answer is there in front of me ... silence is the answer. Exactly why doesnt matter anymore, she doesnt want it so then that is it. I believe we had more but obviously not to her. Just another knotch in her belt. She once said i took too long getting over my divorce and sorting out the settlement - my sister said to me when this happened that if she is not prepared to support me through it then she never really loved me. My ex loved the idea of being married and having a father for her daughter, she didnt love ME though. I have looked for answers on this forum and despite all the good advice only the ex has these answers and noone else really knows. I am at the stage that having her talk to me will not help - she is gone and is not coming back no matter what sadness or regrets we both have. she is not looking over her shoulder and never will. it is another life leason (a stepping stone she called it). maybe in time i will call her just to genuinely see how she is, but for now it is time to look away as the pain is not good for me. i have a couple of female friends who tell me i am good looking and a lot of females find me attractive. they arent queuing up at the door but i think i will test the water and start having fun and not look for permanant relationships but just have some fun female company. i have been hurt by this but i feel she doesnt want to hurt me ... by holding on to something that doesnt exist I am hurting myself. Care ... take care and remember you can never care too much. cheers Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 14, 2004 Share Posted March 14, 2004 Caretoomuch, My best to you. I hope communicating has helped you on your journey. I know it has helped me sort out my thoughts. Thank you for your time and care. I think it is best we all try to move on and find new happiness where we can. Sheryl Crow has a song that seems to sum it up for me ... "It's not having what you want it's wanting what you've got" - good lyrics to live by. "Soak up the Sun" my friend, care Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted March 14, 2004 Author Share Posted March 14, 2004 Caretoo, It is 8.30pm on sunday night and i have just spent the most painful weekend by myself. I am a 6 foot 2 inch 92 kg male and i am breaking out crying at the drop of a hat. it has been 5 months since my beaytiful ex left - 2 months with no communication. what we had is gone and lost forever ... but i was just sitting (crying at 60 minutes) and i realised why i am so sad. my ex needed saving ... she has been a single mum for 11 years with so much pain and hurt in her life ... she needed saving and i couldnt do it ... this is my pain because i failed a beautiful person. all my life i wanted to be a hero and this was my chance ... they needed me and i did not deliver ... i wanted to so much and i couldnt find the inner male strength to do it. to put all my hurt and pain and stress from a failed marriage behind me to realise that i was at last needed by someone ... i let them down ... i am so ashamed. she has had so much hurt from other men in her life and i just became another one of them instead of being that special person ... another sheryl crowe lyric ' the first cut is the deepest' ... she was hurt so much by her first husband and still now after 16 years doesnt have closure from him over a miscarriage she had ... i needed to stand up and be a hero and instead i was just another male who hurt her ... at last i know why i feel so bad over this and i am ashamed of myself because she will never know what i wanted for all of us. so much pain and disappointment ... i wanted to be special and i failed. it was a mickey rourke film where he said 'you can never care too much' ... pity i didnt listen to him. i want so much to let her know but what is the point ... i understand why she runs now ... because we just disappoint and hurt when all we need is a hero .... does the world have heroes left. please forgive me mj i didnt know what i was doing. i love u strawbs please look at my heart and forgive me. i am the one just look over ur shoulder and i will be there. this is very dramatic i know but it just came to me so i logged on to write it down ... why r we so stupid when strenght is needed. cheers c2m. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 14, 2004 Share Posted March 14, 2004 Dear C, You truly brought tears to my eyes. You know, we have both received advice on this forum (from each other and from others) that was probably very good advice but we, for our own reasons, chose not to take it. I think the reason is that deep down we know that if did, it would be futile. We both know the reasons why. Deep down we know it is really our faults that things didn't turn out as we would have liked. Our names should be hurttomuch and hurttoo. If we had had more compassion, more honesty, or courage when we had that chance, maybe we wouldn't be here. But there is one thing I want you to know. Opening your heart to me, and all of those reading, took alot of courage. I'm sure your honesty has made quite an impact on those following this thread. It's comforting to know that men can be brave enough to share their deepest, most honest feelings. For many of us, you are a hero. My gratitude, care Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted March 14, 2004 Author Share Posted March 14, 2004 Caretoo, I think the song by Seal - 'Love is devine' sums me up at the moment. If only she could see my heart. I never did this to her deliberately ... i was blissfully ignorant to what pain i was causing - but that is no excuse. How are you going anyway ? cheers Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 Hello again, I understand what you are going through, I think a lot of us are in very similar positions. (I know I am!!) It is obvious that you are NOT over this person, and guess what, it"s okay that you aren't, at this moment. One of the worst things you could do is to try and TELL yourself you are, when you aren't. It leads to some real weird feelings and some real harried moments. You have to continue on, as best you can - with the plan being to get stronger every day, not necessarily "over her", per se. The fact that the door is still "open" means you still are there with her, at least in your heart. Perhaps that is where you are meant to be until the next thing for you in life arrives. (notice I didn't say next person) Some folks who try to push the "I'm over it" pattern wind up in relationships and marriages that they wake and and realize were NOT where they really wanted to be, or worse. Just because you have moved to another phase to function doesn't automatically close the door on you and your ex. Doesn't mean you have to in order to keep on living either. If there are things that you need to work on and correct that would have made for a better relationship, you don't "need" her with you to make those positive changes. Your heart and your life will tell you what's next. It may just be that the timing of things will be better in the future. If you wind up getting or being bitter towards her because she hasn't responded to "your" timetable, you may miss the opportunity if it arises later because you are still angry. If you look honestly and ask WHY you feel as you do, it is because you still love your ex, and if so, a healthy acknowledgement of that is okay. guess what, she may never say so, but there is at least some part of her that feels the same way about you, she is just coping with it differently. Hopefully you can get the twain to reunite somewhere down the road. Nothing beats a failure but a try. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 Hi Mandrews, Good to hear from you again. You have wise/soothing words. Just when I think I have made a decision as to what is best, I hear/read something else that makes me question everything again. I picked up a book the other day, "Letting Go". It's a survival guide of sorts. However, it is quite outdated, as I think it was written in the 80's, so a lot of the examples are quite funny now. In the book it says that if you continue to have "hope" than you won't move on. It says that the hope is what keeps your life in limbo. It gives a checklist of behaviors to chart your progress and exercises to move one along at an accelerated pace. Unfortunately, I have only improved by 2 points out of 12 in 6 months. Not great. This does seem to prove your point...that we can't force it, as much as we try to fool ourselves that we can. I guess we all have our own timetable. How are you managing your situation these days? c Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 caretoomuch, In answer to your ? , I am doing just ok. If I see someone on tv that resembles OM in some way I still feel a pinch in my heart though. I am focusing on work and that keeps me busy. I am spending more time planning my trip than reading this forum lately, which I'm taking as a good sign. I seem to have the most sadness at night when I am tired. It used to be that I thought/hoped maybe he was thinking of me too... but lately I have this strong feeling that he has moved on wth someone new. I think it is my women's intuition (which is usually correct). Now I have a new sadness to think about...him being happy with someone else. A part of me is happy to want this for him but a part of me is extremely sad too. But, you know, I also have this strong feeling that at a distant time when our situations are different, and much time has passed, we will unite somehow. I don't know if it is intuition, as well, or if I have finally gone off the deep end! When will this heartache end?!!! I truly want to move on and forget him in order to save my sanity. I wanted to ask you if your ex gf moved out of your town when you broke up or if you still live in the same city. If you don't, how far away does she live now? Do you think that plays any role in her responding/reconciling with you? Have a good day care Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted March 15, 2004 Author Share Posted March 15, 2004 Care, As far as I know we are still both living in Sydney. She was only 10 minutes drive away. But i havent seen or heard from her since early January. I know that she has nothing to keep her here now so she might move. Her daughter finishes primary school at the end of this year ao she may move back to her home town of Adelaide. I honestly dont have a clue what she is doing but i just know it doesnt include any plans for me. To mandrews - yes I love her very much and will have her in a special place for all time no matter what happens. I am not afraid to say it - my friends still ask me and i tell them. They say i am crazy and just go get another girlfriend - if only it was that easy. I want to keep her special and maybe one day we will meet again. cheers Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted March 15, 2004 Author Share Posted March 15, 2004 care, re ur situation - the ball is in your court. i find the greatest pain comes from not knowing the honest truth. You can end that pain for yourself ... that is better than most of us on this forum have. Declare yourself to the OM and see what happens - at least you will know. i dont fear still being in love with the ex - i fear that that love was never real because i dont know the truth and have no avenue of finding out. cheers Link to post Share on other sites
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