Reasons for silence - in need for female insight!

[caretoo]

Hi C,

 

I was thinking that 2 months is not really a long time for no contact. You say you saw her in January so that is fairly recent. If you were in month 6 or 7 I might be inclined to give up hope but it hasn't really been that long for you two.

 

I read the "Needs Time and Space" thread. It is long but very interesting. One of the posters Evanescence, has finally moved on and describes her new attitude. It is truly inspirational. I want to be where she is! Try to find it. It is motivating me to move on to a better place, emotionally. I have read elsewhere, that it is a truly wonderful feeling when you finally get there. I want that. It has been a long, cold winter and I am ready for spring and fresh new beginnings.

 

I am going to concentrate on myself and really try hard to put all of this sadness/obsession behind me. I am a bit farther in the process than you are so maybe that is why I am feeling this need. I am going on 7 months since I have seen OM (4 1/2 months since my final letter to him). Although, it sometimes still feels like yesterday, I have got to try... for me.

 

I don't quite understand why you feel the ball is in my court. If there was "enough" interest/care/affection then wouldn't he have taken my offer of friendship (with the hope that, if we were "right", then we would eventually have time to sort things out)? This is my thought process.

 

I am not going to make a total fool of myself without him first responding to my request for friendship. I see the ball in his court. I think it would have been kind to just send a short note or email saying he couldn't/wouldn't be my friend anymore. After I married I think I simply had too much baggage for him. However, a response, no matter how short, would have given me closure.

c

[caretoomuch]

The ball is in ur court because he will not reply to your last letter through respect for your marriage. As far as he knows you are happily married and he does not want to threaten that. He doesnt know of your problems hence no reply. Friendship is not what he wants .. he wants MORE .... you need to tell him of the problems you are having and to declare to him your desire to be with him. Then he can base his decision on the full facts. It is a measure of how good a man this is in that he has walked away out of respect for you and your marriage. Give him a chance by telling him the full honest truth and then wait for his reply. as far as he knows you are not available, but you are - tell him the truth.

 

He will not reply to you hence the ball is in your court to initiate the contact. Whether you make a fool of yourself or not is not important - what is important is doing what your heart desires and fighting for it. You may be pleasantly surprised and WIN.

 

Go for it .......

 

as for me ... yes it has been only 10 weeks of no contact at all but it has been over 5 months since she first needed space from me.

 

cheers

[lost_in_chgo]

6 weeks to go....

[caretoo]

Lost,

 

What do you mean?

[lost_in_chgo]

caretoomuch said 10 weeks.

It took me 16 weeks of no contact before I got a reply.

 

Oh and nothing since then (3 weeks)

 

Last thing she wrote to me was:

So if your curious about anything else just ask. Maybe we could actually be friends again some day. But please don't bring up anything about love or relationships or I will have to stop talking to you again.

 

It sounds bad, but I actually found it somewhat amusing. More like "I'm not going to try and tell you how to feel anymore, but don't talk to me about it, because I just can't handle my emotions"

 

I've shown it to three friends, two said it sounds like she is having alot of trouble getting over me and that she might be reconsidering. The third said she sounds like she could care less about anything (but then why bother writing me at all?)

 

This happened after four months (to the day) of no contact between us. Early on during which I sent her one email telling her what I was up to.

 

Hang in there caretoomuch. Move on when you are ready.

[caretoo]

C,

 

Thank you for trying to bend this tree but I have finally made up my mind.

In the end... we all have to find our own truth.

 

What I know is best for me, is this:

I cannot contact OM until i am free of ulterior motives. If I can't admit my lie, then I will become it... then my offer of friendship will be truly authentic. I am going to wait until I can honestly and without doubt, be a friend again. This is what I have discovered I really want right now.

 

Someday, I would like to begin again, as friends. If at a certain point we discover that the "magic" still exists that would be great. If not, then at least I will be living my life as an authentic person.

 

I do like him in his own right and I know I won't lose the desire to be a "genuine" friend to him again... some day... just not yet . Friends don't lie to each other and harbor secret agendas. This I have learned the hard way.

 

Thank you so much for being my friend when I was too scared/ashamed to share my story with anyone I know. I had nowhere to turn in my sorrow/embarrassment and then I stumbled upon this forum and your thread. I am so grateful to you for giving me the daily motivation to finally "discover" my solution. Thanks too, for sharing your thoughts and humor with me.

 

I will be checking in on you here to offer support if you want it. I'll be hoping only the best for you and your family.

 

You are a good person, C. If someone had told me months ago, that a guy in Australia would be helping me through this pain, I would NEVER have believed them! Life is so strange. It is a small world, afterall.

 

Your friend,

c

 

P.S. I will be taking a good long look at my marriage this year too. But that is another mountain to climb...

[caretoo]

Lost,

 

From your gf's response I would assume that she is conflicted and needs more time to think. I would take it as a good sign.

 

We women are strange creatures...such inner turmoil. Timing is everything with us.

 

c

[caretoomuch]

Care,

 

I have a question for you (as a female).

 

Yesterday i felt very upbeat and happy. i felt close to the ex ... maybe some link and she was actually thinking of me. I had no reason for feeling this but i did. then last night i was at the pub with my mate and he just out of the blue asked if i had heard from the ex. I said no nothing since january. Then he said why dont you just call her - she could be sitting there waiting for me to call and if i dont i will miss the opportunity. This was very strange for an aussie bloke in a pub to come out with this emotional type statement (not the done thing in australian pubs). I started to think what if she is in the same pain as i am in and waiting for a sign from me.

 

My question is - should i call or should i remain silent ? I have been assuming she has moved on etc but what if she hasnt but needs me to contact (like you need OM to contact). i feel calling will aggravate her and i dont need the rejection as i am starting to come to peace with the situation and dont want to go backwards in healing - but i do not know. she may feel after her insisting on the space and breakup that she cannot come back.

 

It was all a strange day yesterday - firstly to feel close to her and then my mate out of the blue asking about her and suggesting to call her.

 

Caretoo - if you register we could maybe exchange email addresses and continue our friendship outside of this forum - your choice. but i find it very calming and easy to discuss life issues with 'strangers' and i love to help friends and be helped by friends - you can never have too many friends. you said you were planning a trip - where to ? is the husband invited ?

 

it was a beautiful feeling yesterday to feel close to her again.

 

take care ....

 

cheers from oz - The sundance kid.

[lost_in_chgo]

C2Much -

I had that same feeling several days before I received an email from the ex after no contact for 4 months. At the time I thought maybe I was starting to move on, or maybe it was just the fact that it was Friday afternoon.

 

Who knows..

 

For what it's worth... today I had a conversation with a friend of mine. I asked if he thought I should call her since she hasn't continued contact for almost 3 weeks now. He thought about it a bit and said that I should wait a month and a half. She probably has some arbitrary timeframe in mind for when she will contact me again or for when she thinks I will contact her and I should at least a couple weeks after that.

 

Not sure if he's trying to get me to move on, or giving me the best advice for my goal of giving her space and eventually getting her back. So I'll be interested in that answer as well.

[lost_in_chgo]

C2 -

 

Thanks

It helps to hear things like that when someone means it.

 

I get too much of the "things will work out" speech too often.

 

I know that I screwed up on the timing in the first place. I tried to hold off and not date her, but she *really* needed the support and I just couldn't say know. I begged a mutual friend who'd been thru the same thing to talk to her and maybe help ease her mind and lower the pressure on me at the time, but she wasn't comfortable with doing that. So as a result I yielded.

 

It was a really big thing for me, as she was recently separated and I was very worrried about that and getting in the middle of her marriage, I've had those kind of offers before and turned them down easily. But this time was different. I couldn't say no to her and I was convinced that she was sure about the divorce (thought later I had doubts) and she eventually finalized all that. But she hadn't really gone thru all the emotions yet and she just pushed and pushed until things broke.

 

It was nothing but bad timing. And I'm waiting for the time to be right.

 

I've got to say that waiting is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I just don't have it in me to turn elsewhere yet.

 

Yet I worry that she will have too much control over me if we reconcile like this or that I may not be able to forgive and forget. Dating someone else would probably be a good thing.

 

Damn..

[lost_in_chgo]

C2Much -

 

One thing that has been helpful to me is a short list of simple questions:

 

How will you feel if you call her and she refuses to talk, hangs up, isn't friendly etc.?

 

What will calling accomplish?

 

Would it be better all around if she called you first?

 

 

Lost

[caretoomuch]

I would feel very sad - that is why i dont think i should as it would set back my 'healing' if she rejected me.

 

calling would accomplish not much i suppose - it was i was thinking what if she was sitting there in pain waiting for me to call.

 

i would love her to contact me first as it would make reconciliation easier for me to believe she wanted to come back rather than me 'forcing' her. i would have a trust issue with her (fear that she would run away again in the future) and me nagging her back into my life would create concerns for me. similarly i would need to know why she wants back inmy life to calm these concerns. is she running away from someone else now back to me ????

 

i want her to come back (if she ever does) on her own - it has to be her decision - hence i think i shouldnt call / contact. i was just what ifing thinking what if she was sitting at home saying the same thing as i am about her.

 

catch 22

[caretoo]

C,

 

Here I go again... I have tried to respond a few times but it didn't take.

I registered so I guess it works differently now. ANYWAY...

 

Yes! I think you should call her! I would keep it short and just TELL her that you are coming to see her. Make the meeting as soon after the phone call as possible so she has little chance to back out. I think it is very important for you to talk face to face.

 

I think this "no contact" rule is fine if you need it or if she has requested it, but if a fair amount of time has passed (at least a month or two) I think that it can become a silly manipulative game. Do what you feel is right for the two of you.

 

Good luck. Wow! That call is going to hard, huh? Where are you finding this courage??? It's great!

 

Glad you had a good day. Have another!

c

[lost_in_chgo]

Well there you have it.

Two diametrically opposed views on what to do.

 

What will he do? What will he do?

 

This has been my dilemma for months.

 

I think it really comes down to what state you think she is in. In my case I *know* that I will just push her further away if I try to talk to her about things before she is ready. And I've already pushed her farther than I wanted to.

 

As far as the trust issue. That is going to be there regardless.

I think you have to focus on letting her know that she has to work back to what you had before. That she can't just walk in the door any time she wants. I'd also establish that she had her one chance to test the other side of the fence, and that if she goes again, that's it. The way I would do that is to say, are you sure this is what you want, I don't want to keep going thru this kind of thing, so if you aren't sure, come back when you are.

[caretoo]

Lost,

 

Mars vs Venus, huh?

 

I guess we all know our situations better than anyone else. We all have to listen to our inner voice.

 

C,

 

I will tell you what would make me open up (as a woman, of course)

 

I would like to be asked if I am really happy? I would like for him to really LISTEN without much talk initially about what he wants. I would like to be understood and get it all out first. Then, I would like to hear what he has to say.

 

Be honest but be strong. Have self respect while being kind.

 

Lost and I have opposing views so do what YOU feel is right for you in the end. Only you know what is best for you.

 

c

[caretoo]

Lost,

 

I don't know if I would react well to be given an ultimatum. I know how hard it is to be patient but I don't ever think ultimatums should ever be given. People change... even the one initially giving the ultimatum, sometimes. We all do the best we can depending on where we are at the time.

 

I don't think life is always so black or white. I think we need to give our partners and ourselves "breathing room" and then just hope for the best.

I don't like to feel suffocated or pressured. This has always made run away in the past.

 

I like your spirit but I feel love is not about utimatums/control. We are the masters of our own lives.

 

c

[caretoomuch]

I feel that i shouldnt ring her because i dont know why she has been silent (hence starting this thread) - if she has moved on and has started a new relationship i need to leave her alone (i dont fear knowing this but she would not react well to me calling if this was the case). however if she is just sitting thinking about 'US' (the lesser likely of the 2 options) then i would call. but not knowing makes me a coward because if it is option 1 she would not react well and i could not handle that too well at the moment as it would set my 'healing' back.

 

basically if i knew it was option 1 i would not call as she deserves the respect to be left alone to live her life but if it was option 2 i would call.

 

but i am too much of a coward to call and find out which option is the answer. my feeling is that it is option 1 and hence i fear the reaction of her rejection.

 

i will lkeave her alone and if it is option 2 by some miracle then i will wait for her to be ready and come to me.

 

sorry to disappoint you caretoo - but i have come a long way and dont want to go backwards.

 

lost,

 

If she did want to come back i would insist on some answers from her. i would need to protect myself from her running again - i have gone through this once and i dont want to go through a second time with this lady.

 

cheers

 

the coward from oz

[lost_in_chgo]

C2 -

 

Is that in response to another thread? or to the one more chance and that's it.

I've lost track concerning the ultimatum thing.

 

But certainly this whole thing has to be played VERY delicately.

But at the same time C2Much doesn't want to be a punching bag or a safe haven whenever she feels lonely and is in between other guys.

 

I think perhaps the best way to do this is to ask her if she is ready to talk.

 

 

Which brings me to another thought.

I asked my ex, when she was still talking to me, if she was happier now that she had found someone else. And the answer was always, no, or I don't know. She was looking for something or maybe just running and didn't know what she really wanted. But "are you happy" is going to be one of my first questions when she starts to open up again.

 

 

And another question....

 

(sorry if I am hijacking your thread C2Much, but perhaps it's a glimpse of your future?)

 

She contacted me after 4 months. That was 3 weeks ago. Nothing since. I replied to her the following day. So now what? How long do I wait to contact her again, or am I in wait for her mode? (my personal favorite).

 

That line:

But please don't bring up anything about love or relationships or I will have to stop talking to you again.

Just speaks to me and says "I'm not ready to come back" and "but I just had to have some form of contact"

 

Wishful thinking?

 

Believe me your insight is extremely appreciated here. It always helps to have some insight into the thoughts and feelings from the female perspective.

[lost_in_chgo]

Oh and stop that coward stuff.

 

It takes alot more energy and will not to call and to wait than to call or walk away.

 

Go out and do something positive for YOUR life today.

It helps.

[caretoomuch]

highjack away .... i get the feeling you are my crystal ball of the future.

 

i agree that i need to protect myself and the need to be very careful.

 

but i want her to come to me and not for me to force her back into talking. if she comes it will be a leap of faith by her and that would be a good start to fully trusting. if i force her back as such then there is no leap by her and i will have doubts and trust issues. i will not be a pitstop between other guys for her ... it will be all or nothing. i cant do this again and i will not let it happen to me.

 

but i am pre-empting the future ... i need her to contact me first (if it ever happens).

 

cheers

[lost_in_chgo]

There you go.

 

I was in your shoes a couple months ago.

I can't promise it, but I'm very sure that she will contact you.

 

Hopefully we're both doing the right thing.

[caretoomuch]

only time will tell ... but there are no time frames on these things so maybe as the silence continues we will never know.

 

i dont think she will contact me ever if it is option 1. she isnt the type to look back over her shoulder as her past would scare her too much looking at the wreckage she has left behind. she doesnt want reminders of that would be my feeling.

 

i suppose she may contact if she believes i had something to offer her in terms of friendship etc but if she sees nothing to offer i would imagine her never bothering.

 

i just dont want to go backwards as the past 3 months have been an inner hell for me and i need to be focused on my kids etc and cannot afford to be emotionally paralysed as i have been.

[caretoomuch]

carertoo,

 

a questions for the ladies ....

 

what does it mean when a lady says ... 'i love you but i am not in love with you'

 

i only ask because that is one the last things the ex ever said to me. to me it sounds like utter confusion and they arent sure of what they feel, or is it you can 'love' many people but be 'in love' with only one person.

 

what the !!!!!!!

 

cheers

[lost_in_chgo]

Or perhaps the whirlwind of the initial romance died off a bit and she thinks that love has to be like it is in the beginning.

 

It never is.

But many people expect it to be. So they hop from relationship to relationship trying to find one that stays that way forever. But the more they try, the harder it is to find because they are building a resistance to it.

 

That there is one of the advantages of rekindling a relationship. No false expectations (unless you are a complete idiot or not being rational) the second time around.

[caretoomuch]

exactly what i feel my ex does .... jumps from spring time to spring time but never wants to experience the summer, autumn and winters.