Author caretoomuch Posted March 28, 2004 Author Share Posted March 28, 2004 If she is in a new relationship she will be putting 110% into that and i would be very surprised if she ever gave me a second thought ... why would she ... she thought our relationship wasnt going to work so she left ... she is gone and i can find no hope in believing she may come back. my reality is obviously different to hers (the truth is somewhere in the middle) ... she isnt in a new relationship now just so she can find out she made a mistake ... she is in a new relationship as part of the endless search for happiness - according to her she has found it and why think of someone who failed her ... i know i wouldnt. she has gone and i need to accept that and let her live her life and my mine ... there is no reason for me to expect her to ever contact me again ... cheers but i can find no strength from your words as much as i would like to think this was the case. have fun ... c2m Link to post Share on other sites
Care2 Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 C, Please don't be so quick to dismiss what Mandrews has posted. He seems to have great insight into the female mind. I know you are feeling discouraged, but, I think that you very well may have a second chance... at some point... way down the road. The question is will you want it when it is given? I understand your need to move on. We all reach that point, eventually, when we start to lose ourselves... who we are... who we truly know ourselves to be. I think you really NEED to be selfish right now. You need to feel respect for yourself again. Try to find your inner strength. You will. Don't worry, it's in there. And now a bit of unsolicited "LOVE" advice...: Be open and embrace new relationships...of all kinds. Be true to yourself...keep your counsel until you really and truly feel that it's safe to share it. And C, please don't be afraid to be a bit unpredictable/mysterious...it is ok...we girls kind of like it...it keeps us all on our toes. Good luck my friend. Some of the best things happen when we least expect them. c Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted March 29, 2004 Author Share Posted March 29, 2004 C2, I am not dismissing the advice (i would love for it to be true) but i cannot see how anyone would breakup with another person because they were hurt and then think about them fondly - i wouldnt - i rarely think of my ex wife and when i do it is not with any love - we get on fine but she is just another person in the world now (and we were married 13.5 years) - so why would my ex gf think of me with any love in her heart when it is her who made the decision to leave. Hence my question of the grass not being greener on the other side but why would they jump back to a known quantity (who hurt them in their mind), when we usually jump the fence for the unknown and excitment. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Dear C2 and C2M, How are you? C2M, you are not taking sight of one thing - each individual relationship is unique to its' own circumstances, and conditions. Your relationship and feelings about your ex-wife are unique to you and her, and THAT circumstance. It has nothing to do with how you and your current ex are doing or will do in the future. So it seems impossible for you to understand because you are applying just one set of thoughts and feelings to the situation. You are also being clouded by emotions right now. As you relax, your perspective will broaden. C2, thanks for the compliment. I just wish MY OWN ex would care to see. I just am not afraid to listen to my heart, common sense, fair play, and love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 OK, I decided to call her today as I had heard that her work put in an anti-spam package that was screwed up. I was worried that she never received my email reply to her email a month ago. OK whatever, but I was upset today and enuf was enuf. So I left a message. An hour later she called. Did you call me? Yes. How are you? Good. And we talked for an hour about work and her family. She didn't ask me about my new job, but she knew a few things, so someone is keeping her in the loop The call ended when her mother (she said) called her and the call waiting went off. I let her go right away. She said she'd talk to me later. So all in all, I'm disappointed that I called her, but I think it needed doing. She did get my email, so the call was probably unnecessary, but the next move is hers. I think a nice calm conversation was a good thing to set the tone for further comfortable communication. Now I wait. Link to post Share on other sites
firefly_76 Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I too have been struggling with a lost love recently, and it is surely a difficult thing. But are our expectations leading us to these failed relationships? Are our societal pressures and traditions making it easier for us to lose that thing called love, do these pressures facilitate the breakdown of emotional attachment? I think is does. Love is a beautiful thing. There is no other feeling more powerful and uplifting as love. It is everything you wanted to believe about yourself, but would never dared to dream. To have someone feel this for you, to have someone believe in you, to have someone trust you beyond all others is in undescribeable. What have we done to deserve it? How did it become? Chances are love has found you, not you it. Love blooms. Love exists as a entity of itself, locking you and your loved one in a spiritual dance. The joining, separation and joining again of your lives, the endless waltz which accompanies you on the path of you life. This is the nature of love. Why do the dance partners sometimes change? Why does love wander from you path? Perhaps it is caused by the attempts to train it, to conquer it, to trap it and hold it. Love is such a force that it cannot be tamed, nor can it be categorized by society's labels such as obligation, commitment, respect, going out, breaking up, responsibility and the like. Not that these terms are derogatory, in themselves they can be wonderful, noble things. But they are not love. They are incorporated within it, and naturally occur. By trying to mold the love you have into these containers, you do nothing but stir the beast, which above all else must be free. Love can only be nurtured with love, without fear and with the total honesty of your heart. Accept it, let it into your heart, feel it, love it. I have no advice here, and I apologize. But there are things that I am coming to realize about love partners and love itself. There is no one who is obligated or committed to you. I'm sorry to those of you who do not believe that, but that is my humble opinion. Every person in your life is a gift to you. They are volunteer actors on the stage of your life's play. I am coming to find that accepting these people for what they are giving me is much better than the expectation that they owe. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 OK, You've satisfied your curiosity, now relax a bit, back off, and try NOT to stress. Things will happen, things will progress. Try and focus on what you are going to do and how you'll handle things when they do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I couldn't agree with you more. Very well spoken, very well put. Certainly explains things for me.! Link to post Share on other sites
Erlani Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I'm a married woman who wants to know what's happening with her husband but don't know how. I tried several attempts of knowing what he's doing through his co-nurses, but it appears to him that I'm way interfering with his personal and professional life. He wants space, as what he told me last October of 2003. I gave him that space just this March. I couldn't fathom the thought that I'm not part of his life now. That he doesn't want me involved wit his daily activities. We have a 7 month old kid who was 2 months old when he left because of my "too much whining". I had depression after birth, by the way. We've been together for 4 years and 4 months before he left us. Right now, I'm giving him the space he wants. He is quite living like an unmarried man he so longs for. Spending his money the way he wants and not supporting our kid anymore. I know his a jerk but I know too that I have my faults that ended our marriage. I could say that love is like an air, you'll never know it's there 'til you feel it ... you'll never know it's gone 'til you need it. I hope she'd knw your effort of posting in the loveshack.org. If I were her, i'd be very much overwhelmed that somebody loves me this much and would go way overboard just to know what's in a woman's mind. I'd say, give her some space. It's not too late for hoping. Do not expect too much though. God may not always take away what's been bothering us, though he may give us the courage and the way of finding how we could handle the situation. Never cease to pray. God is everywhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
firefly_76 Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I find this thread fascinating. You know I get the feeling that all of us who periodically check this thread just want an answer to 'why someone left'. We are searching for affirmation of our own self worth through their eyes. At least that is how it feels to me, in my own situation at times. Maybe I'm being too broad in applying that to all of us here, but I get a sense that most do share this feeling. I know that your happiness and confidence somes from within, but it IS difficult to make that distinction once you value a person's opinion so much. After a time of being in love, you begin to forget that they are just people, with flawed opinions. Nonetheless, the rejection, deserved or not, seems to override our own esteem in many circumstances, especially in the thread. The loss of confidence and our reliance on the other to tend and assure our own self esteem could be the very reason the other person left. In fact, I believe this to be a common reason for breakups. But, as most of you know, I'm sure... understanding and acknowledging the problem is by no means a fix. And by no means does it make you have that belief in yourself again. What I would like to know is how to I regain that? ps. - I think this is why the 'no contact' rule works. The other is given the IMPRESSION of an unwaivering confidence in yourself. However, I believe that unless we take steps to truly regain our esteem, we are all in for the same cycle. I do not want to offend anyone, just ignore the post if you think I'm accusing you. This post is more about myself anyway. Thoughts anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Care2 Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 FF, Wouldn't it be wonderful if "love" were that free! No societal pressures, no negative emotions, no restrictions. Ahhhhhhh... Utopia! To bad we can't live there. However, in reality, we have practical obligations/responsiblities, expected codes of conduct (our own and others) and yes, omnipresent GUILT( big one for me). I would love to break free and just be in love and feel wonderful all of the time. Only in my dreams...if I'm lucky enough to remember them! I think you have a point regarding the self esteem issue. I think when a love leaves so does a good part of our self esteem. It's almost like giving blood. Your body has to replenish it. It takes awhile and you may feel weak for awhile. I've also heard that we suffer a chemical withdrawal from all of the wonderful euphoric chemicals produced in our brain when we are "in love". I am a big believer in this. Every kind of withdrawal has it's own set of side effects. Maybe loss of self esteem/respect is one side effect of lost love. ? Maybe you are right, and we are all looking for validation here... but could it simply be we still love them and just miss them in our lives? c Link to post Share on other sites
Care2 Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Lost, It is great that you have left the door open a crack... I think you have done the best/wisest thing possible for both of you. Yes...now you wait. I feel optimistic for you. Take care of yourself c Link to post Share on other sites
Care2 Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Hi C, Now finaly the response you wanted re the grass is always greener... All things being equal? I would not hop back over it. Too much effort, for what? I might tear it down though...out of frustration. c Link to post Share on other sites
Veronika Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 You will be far more attractive to her if you are a happy person......living the one life you have been given........acting confident........like you are emotionally stable.........she has no reason to contact you anytime soon because she probably knows you will be waiting around for her.........If she sees you and you seem depressed or not progressing..........will that make her want to talk to you? NO.......If you can't take care of yourself, then she will feel you can't take care of her (emotionally).........Go out and have fun.........be free..........that just maybe the qualities she first found attractive.........she may be waiting for that before she contacts you.......perhaps she doesn't want to communicate until she feels you are ready to handle it.........maybe she doesn't want to cause you additional pain if she is seeing someone else.......How would you feel being friends with her and seeing her with other men???? What if the tables were turned.........maybe she is thinking of how she would feel if you two were friends and she had to see you with other women.......UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Care2 Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 He called, then came to see me! He apologized for not responding sooner and professed his undying love! Just kidding... An APRIL FOOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted April 2, 2004 Author Share Posted April 2, 2004 C2, That is very naughty ...... I like it !!!!! cheers have fun c2m Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 Veronika, Moving on is not the issue ... it is trying to understand WHY this happened. We want to move on and not be in love with these people but we are - there is no on/off button to turn it off - hence we are trapped asking why, and with the answers comes peace of mind and the ability to move on. cheers have a happy easter c2m Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Reading the posts, I had a question. C2M, if you and your ex could get back together, would you? Or have you invested and bought into the "moving on" part?You are not taking sight of the fact that these things take time. And moving on with what you must do in life is not the same as moving away or closing the door. You seem to be having a real hard time with the "right now". Right now is what you must accept, deal with and move forward from with the least amount of anguish. In whatever time frame from here, you will see within your heart if what you have for her is really love, you will know. And then begins what you must do. Or better put - what you will do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author caretoomuch Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 and the answer to why the silence is ............... ........... there is no answer - it just is. dont look for logic where there is none. good luck to all you other hopeless fools (like me) ..... i am taking a rest and becoming a monk for the next 40 years. have fun .......... c2m Link to post Share on other sites
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