Reasons for silence - in need for female insight!

[caretoomuch]

Definately not option 5 - the amount is insignificant and i dont care about it ($230) - but it is the only real reason i have to contact her - but i wont.

 

My ex left because she felt i wasnt over my divorce and that we were on a rebound relationship (despite not meeting each other until 8 months after my separation from my wife). my ex is a single mum of an eleven yr old and her words to me was that 'i took too long' ... she wanted the settled family life and i was still in court fighting for my boys access ... i guess it consumed me and we didnt get to be the perfect happy family all the time. i wanted the perfect family but i also wanted the other part of my life to be closed and settled before i started this new part of my life.

 

of couse there are many reasons for the breakup and i understand and accept those ... i might not agree with her decision as i feel the external factors are now gone and we could have worked through it together. but she chose not to and that is her decision and i must accept it. i have trouble however understanding the silence to very infrequent attempts to talk -1 sms in 7 weeks is not excessive - and i cannot see why we can not at least talk - we parted as friends with no animousity or hurtful things.

 

naturally i believe we could still make it work and probably she knows that hence the silence.

 

i just know we will meet again with love in our hearts for each other - it is just the waiting that hurts.

 

she was a beautiful lady that i didnt give the fullest attention to - i had mitigating circumstances but that is no excuse for what i did to her heart - she loved me and i drained that from her by being distant and pre-occupied with other issues. it is a shame but has happened but i still dearly would love to have her and her daughter in my life and hence the anxiety over this silence. i would love to ring her but i know it would only push her further away - so i sit not really knowing or understanding. To go from talk of marriage and children to silence is very hurtful and sad in my soul.

 

cheers

 

i am moving on but i have a feeling i will meet her again. Do males hve intuition ?????

[sami]

If you have a feeling you will meet again, it will happen. Just take your time and relax. You are heading for your best days ever. Good luck.

[caretoomuch]

It is like I just know we will meet again - sometime, somewhere I will turn around and she will be there. I just hope that we are both able to love again and it is not all too late as time and other circumstances have passed us by. I am turning 40 soon and sometimes I feel like I need to be in a rush - which i dont want to do because that is when you make bad decisions. I suppose that is why her silence makes me anxious - just waiting for this meeting - but when tomorrow or in 5 years - argh the mystery of life. This chapter of my life is not over I just feel a connection still with her - but it must be her decision and a NEW relationship by mutual consent. Meanwhile I will go on and learn more from life ......

 

cheers

[caretoo]

Caretoomuch,

 

Do you think she is just frozen, as I am? It might be that she's trying to sort everything out but afraid to make a decision b/c it might be the wrong one? It's scarey how one decision can sometimes effect the rest of your life. Sometimes even the most insignificant decision can cause a chain of events that can alter your life in ways you would never have imagined.

 

I don't know what advice can give you because she does need time and space to figure things out. I just think that it would be so sad for you to put your "love" life on hold indefinitely waiting for a chance meeting. It may or may not happen.

 

Some people like the phrase "if it's meant to be..." but others say "you have got to make things happen". I don't know the answer but there is peace and calm in the first. Hopefully, in time you will find the longing to lessen and then be open to another. I know it probably sounds impossible to think about now when you are hurting so deeply.

 

I'm sorry for intruding on your post. That was not my intention, however, I would like to respond to Mandrews since he has been so kind. I hope you don't mind.

 

Mandrews,

 

I stopped counseling for the moment as I seemed to reach an impasse. Either stay in marriage and accept what I cannot change or separate. Neither choice is looking too good at the moment.

 

I probably will stay for awhile longer (maybe give it a year) and see if I can cope. I'm throwing myself into work and want to pursue more adventurous hobbies (hang gliding, ww rafting, etc.) which I have done in the past. I'm going to try to substitute one thrill for another.

 

As far as the OM ( for lack of a better word) I do not think I will contact him. I just can't face the rejection if he has moved on. I have got to try to continue to heal my heart b/c if it didn't turn out well then I may lose the healing that has taken place. He is also a very honorable person and he may not react well, as long as I am still married.

 

I did give your suggestion some serious thought but I don't know what I could or would say. ???

I did lie to him and no matter what the reason, he might always question my honesty. I am normally a very honest person so this would kill me.

 

Thanks so much for giving me your time and care.

[caretoomuch]

Caretoo,

 

No I think she has made her decision and most probably has moved onto another relationship by now. I am not putting my life on hold and do not intend to do so. I just have a feeling we will meet again - it is a peaceful feeling that helps by giving me no anxiety. My ex has made her descision and i will respect that by not invading her new world. What disappoints me and i am having difficulty with is considering what we shared and the love we did have why the silence. Is she frozen and needs more time to think or was our relationship not important enough even to observe common human courtesy. as i have said to go from talk of marriage to silence and no ugliness between us confuses me. I am not waiting but if the time does come for that meeting and we are both able and willing to respond to our feelings then we will.

 

I hate the term 'it was not meant to be ....' that is a cop out for not wanting to face problems and try to solve them together .... it is easier to run away rather than stand and fight for something that was good and right. as time goes by and the search for the 'perfect' partner goes on i think people run away too easily because they think that is the natural way all relationships must go. nothing is easy and nothing is ever perfect. my ex has been a single mum for 11 years and i think she has lost the idea of what love is and what it takes to make a relationship work. just jumping from spring times to spring times and then running when the summers and winters approach. i want the whole 4 seasons as that is true love.

 

nothing is pre-determined, what happens is through committment and hard work.

 

I think you should try to contact the OM - slowly at first to 'test the water' .... imagine if he is sitting there thinking of contacting you but he doesnt because of respect for your marriage ... if your marriage has failed and you let him know this then he may respond back positively ... you will never know if you dont try ... as i said nothing is meant to be - you have to make it happen - or at least find peace and know the truth.

 

have fun .....

 

cheers

[caretoomuch]

Caretoo,

 

I was thinking overnight about your situation. The fear to contact this OM is very understandable but if he loves/cares for you and you love/care for him then surely through good honest communication you talk with him and explain the lies. If it is worth fighting for then you must try !

 

You have an open door for communication if you choose .... unlike my situation where every door is shut and i cannot contact my ex.

 

go for it .... the regret will consume you otherwise for the rest of your life. The pain and anxiety over explaining a lie is worth it ... once he realises the reasons for the lie he will forgive. Think of what you may gain ....

 

He may be like me ... sitting there wondering why the silence.

 

good luck

 

cheers

[caretoo]

caretoomuch,

 

I have just finished reading your post from the very beginning and the people who have responded are so great. They don't all agree b/c they are all coming from various places in their experience but I appreciate each one. Some are coming from a place where WE are not (right now) and I'm trying to really listen to them for unbiased comments. You and I are both in the same place and I'm afraid we may be feeding each other false hope. I don't know.

 

You see, even though I am giving you an insight into my feelings, as a female, we are both the ones waiting for the silence to break. In my letter I told OM I was happy/content and suggested we put affectionate feelings (that were said) behind us. I told him I would like to go back to being friends again (or... ughhhhh... "pals" I think I said.) He must have loved that one! Anyway I also said if it wasn't possible then it was ok and no response was necessary. I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable or pressured.

 

So you see, I am also waiting (like you) for a response ( to a request ) to be merely friends. That response may never come to either of us for various reasons. You actually have a better chance of it happening than I do.

 

Maybe some of the posters are right about just holding onto the memories and letting the rest go. I think in the long run, the hurting will stop and we will be left with fond memories instead of humiliation. I think that might be easier to live with.

 

Of course, my relationship wasn't as involved as yours, so I may be all wrong in your case. I just don't know what to think anymore. I do know it helps to have such wonderful, honest "friends" on this forum.

[caretoomuch]

Caretoo,

 

Yes from your last letter to the OM you may not get a response .... but your circumstances have changed. You are not happy and content and you must let him know this, then he can respond (or not) based on the truth. He may be sitting there shattered that you are happy and want to be friends. He obviously doesnt want this because he wants MORE. You can give him more by telling the truth ... you are basing the reasons for his silence on misinformation from you - you cant do this. You know the truth and will be regretting and wondering what might have been if he had known the truth. Tell him and then you will know - either Yes or NO - either way you have the truth and peace of mind.

 

If my ex was sitting there wanting me but didnt say and i found out about that in time to come I would be shattered that we had wasted good time and possibly made it impossible to reconcile as time had overtaken us. You will regret this forever - tell him the truth and let him make a descision based on that. You are judging him for a descision he has made from a lie.

 

You have doors swinging open for you but you need to go through and make the first move. I have no doors.

 

Yes we have memories and that is what i will be left with i accept - it is the regrets that hurt and not having any way of resolving them. my ex has gone and moved on and so have i in a fashion - but the 'what ifs' will haunt me forever.

 

go for it - can rejection be any worse than what you have now - consider him responding positively - then you would have the ultimate prize.

 

I see ur situation as far more likely to work than mine. You are 2 people in love and that is a great start.

 

cheers

[mandrews1119]

Hi guys,

 

How is everyone? Carettoomuch - you first. You read my mind with some of the things you have said. One MUST go through the swinging doors! I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try.! I agree that nothing is pre-determined, but must be achieved through commitment and hard work.!! Too many people just run away instead of fighting to make something you both ostensibly believed in - work. and then have the misfortune to wonder 'what-if' for the rest of their days, because chances are they will not love with that same intensity again. Someone relate this to my s/o!!( )

 

In my case, I think my s/o is frozen, I only hope that I am contributing to giving her what she needs to thaw out, so we can try again.

 

Caretoo - I think you owe it to everyone in your situation to contact this om and be honest with it all. At least this way whatever decisions are made are made in the light of truth. You will then have a better barometer (at least for now) as to what to do next with your marriage and your life. You stated that you want to stick it out for at least one more year. Would you feel that way if you contacted the other man with the truth and he asked you to come to/with him NOW!?? And certainly the fact that you DID contact him would impact the whole of your existence. You must do what brings you closest to full honesty and completeness, only you know what that is. best of luck to you both. Or should I say, we three?!

[caretoomuch]

Well yesterday I had enough of all the unanswered questions so I wrote an e-mail to the ex. It is not asking for us to get back together but rather an attempt for me to get closure and move on and for me to let her know my heart and the some of the pain i have. I have opened a door for her to come through as a friend if she wants. I attach the e-mail i sent below :

 

My dearest ******,

 

I am not sure if you are reading your e-mails or maybe just not reading mine. I have tried in vain to contact you twice over the past 8 weeks. I assume that your silence is your way of saying that you do not want any contact with me again. I must admit that this hurts me a great deal. I want to believe that what we had was real and that you did truthfully love me once, but the silence creates a feeling that maybe what we had was not real and that I was never really important to your or your future plans for life. I know that I am emotionally immature compared to your life experiences but the love I thought we shared was very real to me and I came to very much care for you and ***** [daughter]. This feeling does not fade but rather has intensified and to feel that I was not important to you hurts me. I was attempting contact in friendship because I accept and understand the reasons for our break-up, but saw that friendship was still maybe an alternative. The reasons you gave me are all correct and I was a fool that took you for granted. Whilst not being aware that I was doing this to you it is still true and my lack of understanding was no excuse.

 

It has been 5 months since our break-up and I can only assume you have moved on and are starting new relationships. If this is true I am happy for you because I desperately want you to be happy and for ***** [daughter] to have a life she deserves. Whilst still wanting that role to be mine I am happy to feel someone else is doing it right for you both.

 

The memories will never fade and I will love you forever and keep you in a special place. The last few months have proved to me the value of your love. I am trying to move on but find nothing compares to you. Your love, loyalty, fighting energy for life, your beliefs are at such a high standard that it is difficult to match. Your beauty will never be matched as you are now, as you were since i met you, the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

 

I thankyou for the memories and the loving you gave me. I ask for your forgiveness, whilst not forgetting, for my foolish actions in letting you down so much. From the bottom of my heart I honestly loved you more than anything else. I know I didn't let you know this for which I will be eternally regretful. I hope that in time you may think of me fondly and maybe have a desire to contact me.

 

Take care beautiful lady, enjoy life and be happy. You have changed me forever because now i know what real love is.

 

I still love you and I will always truly love you.

 

I miss our sms messages in the morning and night so much and every time I hear an sms beep on a mobile I think of you. It makes me smile as I remember the love we had and your intense beauty. I wanted so much to show you off to the world as I was honestly 10 foot tall when I had you on my arm. I was so very proud to be your man. It was an honour to be loved by you.

 

Sweet dreams BL

 

 

So that is the e-mail - i have not got a reply, but even if i dont i have said my bit and already find peace through that. It is goodbye but not farewell.

 

Time will tell if she takes up the offer or it is farewell.

 

 

cheers

[caretoo]

caretoomuch,

 

That was so lovely. I really hope that she responds to you. Let us know.

 

I'm still considering things... need time to think.

[caretoomuch]

caretoo,

 

I dont expect a response but after posting yesterday that you need to tell the truth i thought i should do as i say. It is the truth from my heart and she will probably not like it and not respond. It has given me peace and i can do no more ....

 

you on the other hand have a man that obviously loves you and he deserves the truth ....

 

we are both waiting for a response but you have the advantage in that he loves you and may come back positive ... me on the other hand ... i know it is over i am just searching for closure and the time to move on. It is like being in love with anyone on this planet i cannot just turn it off because she says so.

 

go for it ... dont think too long ... he has love in his heart but that can fade over time ...

 

what would you do with an e-mail like that from an ex ????? just hit delete ????? or think some ?????

 

good luck

[caretoomuch]

Caretoo,

 

You need to register so people can send you private messages ... guests dont get that privelege.

 

dont die wondering .... go for it.

 

cheers

 

have fun

[caretoo]

I would probably respond because if someone took that much time and effort I would feel that they deserve an honest response, good or bad.

 

It would probably take me a few weeks though and about 4-6 rewrites!

 

Good luck

[caretoomuch]

There is no good or bad at this stage ... just the truth. Love deserves the truth.

[caretoomuch]

I was talking with my sister who is a doctor and family councellor about the recent e-mail i sent. Being a doctor she is rather frank sometimes and she said if she got an e-mail like that from an ex her reply would be 'get f##ked' or along those lines. she sees it as a plea to come back ......

 

what does the forum think ???? how do you guys view that e-mail ??

[mandrews1119]

I wouldn't get too bummed out by what your sister says. Reason: people respond differently to things. There are those whom your letter would melt and bring to tears, there are those who wouldn't care. Letters like that are hard for an ex because it brings them to grips with several things - one, they have deeply hurt someone who obviously loves and cares for them and that is not a pleasant thing to do, no matter how justified they feel. Two, they have to admit they have made a mistake by leaving you - no one wants to admit that. Three, there are all those feelings still there that usually never get resolved, no matter what, unless you reunite and get past the pain. Four, often the ex is hell-bent on proving to themselves, family, friends, new relationship, etc., etc. that leaving you was the right move. Some people go to uncanny lengths to prove this - and a lot of them years later wish they hadn't or they suffer through situations and relationships that they really don't want to be in. When they wake up and realize that they really DO love that ex, or that the grass really ISN'T greener on the other side, a lot of them don't have the strength or character or courage to admit the truth, or seek out the love they left. Oh, they make a lot of noise about things, they rant and rave about how much "better off" they are, they often call any attempt such as you made "being stalked" any bs for them to not try to work their way things through with YOU. They suffer through "rebound relationships" and curse you for making life miserable when often all they had to do was look back over their shoulder at all the carnage and pain, and would have seen you standing there, probably heartbroken, but there to try to make the world better for them if they but glanced your way.

 

Try to keep sight of the fact that you are in this for the long haul, and that each day brings new life, new promise and hope. Not just for reuniting, but for becoming a better person in your own right. I wouldn't send any more letters like that, lest they be misunderstood. At least now you know she definitely knows how you feel. I would let her respond before anymore heartwrenching tomes. It isn't easy to respond to someone who you have been a schmuck to, and who only wants to win back your love in return. A lot of women would give their right arms and legs for someone so sensitive and caring to appreciate them and willing to work for a future together. I just wish someone would relay that to my ex!! Best of luck, my heart is with you. Oh, by the way, I sent several of those letters myself before I went to no contact. I think they had mixed results, but my story is a long convoluted deal with other twists. I think if you feel it, I agree with your quote - don't die wondering, go for it!!! If I received something like that I would be stopped dead in my tracks - but that's just me. Ladies, let's hear from you on this.

[caretoomuch]

Thanx mandrews ....

 

As my handle says .... noone can 'care too much' ....

 

but with that comes the responsibility of creating more pain.

 

I dont know how she will view it ... she has been through a lot in her life and moving on has become second nature ... she knows the pain it creates for her and the exs ... but it has become her natural defense to avoid fighting for love.

 

i wont send anymore ... i just wanted her to know the truth from my heart ... after lecturing caretoo i thought i should do as i say ....

 

now it is time to move on and find happiness again. moving on is easy but forgetting the love is impossible.

 

interesting you mentioned 'rebound' relationships - that is what she said she was to me after my divorce - i just never saw it - different realities again and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

 

cheers

[mandrews1119]

Hey there,

 

I think that you have touched upon a topic you can sustain with your ex - working for and fighting for the love and relationship you two deserve. It is hard to be this type of person when the other person is so obviously not, but it is a topic you can expound on in a calm, more logical way to reach out to her if you have to, rather than too much hearts and flowers. Not to bombard her, but in increments when you do write, and believe me, I am quite sure you will write again. It also is non-threatening and non-pressuring. gives her some food for thought, and perhaps a little will and inclination to tyr. After all, nothing beats a failure but a try.

[caretoomuch]

Mate at the moment i would be happy with a simple 'hello' from her. I am a long way away from sitting down and having conversations about her inability to deal with relationships. It would be nice to think we could get to that stage one day but for the moment just to hear from her would be great.

 

I once wrote her a letter (this was within a week of us breaking up) about her relationship handling issues. I told her life was like the four seasons and that she was locked into a vicious circle of searching for endless spings, but as soon as summer approached she ran away. she knows she does this but to date doesnt seem to have addressed this issue within herself. i cannot make her do this ... unfortunately i can imagine her doing this for another 20 years and then one day waking up at 60yrs old and looking in the mirror and realising that she is going to be alone forever. she has an 11 yr old daughter who will leave within the next 8 - 10 yrs and then the real lonliness will hit her and then she may regret not trying the whole four seasons with someone.

 

i dont plan on writing any more unless i hear from her. it hurts too much.

 

cheers

[caretoomuch]

mandrews,

 

what makes you say 'I am quite sure you will write again' ?

[SoleMate]

I thought your email was rather nice. And I am not one who encourages the unrequited lovers here at LS. Your email was about your ex and her daughter and their happiness. You didn't sound bitter or vengeful, nor did you appear to be seeking to reignite. I might have omitted the list of what you miss about your time together, but otherwise, it was rather well done.

 

The tragic part of this story is that you are just one more man who didn't realize what he had until it was gone. By then, the time is no longer ripe. The fruit has withered and fallen away, and it is too late to nurture that plant. I wish your case was exceptional, but sadly, among men it appears to be the rule.

[caretoomuch]

yes i agree - we are the dumber gender of the species.

 

Would you reply to such an e-mail and if so what form would that reply be ?

 

I wish to just be part of their lives now - but she needs to be able to trust me to be a friend and not someone who wants something else - that takes time for me to change and for her to believe it. she isnt trying to hurt me i acknowledge but rather trying to minimise the pain for both of us through silence. i still feel sad because what i see as external factors affected us so much. we both have private issues and they hurt US.

 

cheers - we males need more informed female input - thanx.

[mandrews1119]

Dear caretoomuch,

 

What I meant is that I feel you will write her again. I think that there is a certain amount of pouring your heart out , acertain amount of "let me reason with her", etc., etc., that one goes through in our circumstance - and you settle for what works for you. I don't think saying something every now and then can be much worse than saying nothing, as long as you aren't bombarding the person trying to prove a point or win her back. Some people are in different frames of mind or places in life. sometimes a person may not know how or feel comfortable making the first steps back and your being open is what allows this to occur. I disagree with SoleMate in that men aren't the only ones who go through this type of thing, have you read some of the posts from some of the women out there? Some people are more comfortable walking away, some are not. Some of those who walk away spend a lot of time going through the motions with rebounds or wind up wishing they hadn't left, or been so cruel to the ones they left in their wake, I don't think anything is so gender specific. If you are the type that walks, so be it. If you are the type who believes love never dies, so be that too. What matters is the connection between you and your partner. Best of luck.

[caretoo]

C,

 

Honesty...it seems to be a thread running through our posts, huh?

 

I think your letter was a very courageous thing to do. (I wish I had your courage but I don't.) Some impossible situations can and do turn around if handled in the "right" way. Knowing what the "right" way is, is the hard part. Have faith. I think you did the right thing by taking the chance.

 

I don't know if she will believe that you want to be just friends, though. If you honestly would like more than friendship, she will probably be able to read between your lines, as she knows you so well. If she reads more than friendship and she is not ready to deal with it, sadly, it may be awhile until you hear from her, if at all. That's the thing about letters. They let us tuck them away and not deal. Some things just have to be said in person, I guess. I hope you get the chance to talk with her face to face someday.

 

Sometimes though, just the act of putting our feelings down in writing is theraputic for us. If nothing else comes of it, I hope it brings peace and healing to you.