My mom is really controlling

[ANTHONYYAY]

Hello,

First of all im 21 years old and i have been with my girlfriend for 2years. i recently got in a big fight with my girlfriend because the whole time we have been together my mom has not liked her. i never saw this until today. i now realize that my mom does not want me with anybody. All i wanted was my mom and girlfriend to get along for me, but i know now that it will never happen with any girl im with. This caused a big fight between my mom and i and she told me that my girlfriend is controlling my life and i need to man up and tell her off. this is not true my mom is the one who is really controlling. My mom also lays really thick guilt trips on me if things are not done her way. My dad told me how controlling my mom is and i really understand that now. My bank account is under her name so she can see what i spend my money on. i just got my own phone plan and she freaked out. I dont know what to do because now im going to fight with my mom constantly cuz she doesnt want me with my girlfriend and she will tell me anything to get me to leave her. (i know this because my mom and sister fight all the time about the same thing). i dont want to fight with my mom but i dont know what is going to happen. Any advice? I cant move out now cuz im a senior in college and i only work 15 hours to pay for gas, and im not going to break up with my girlfriend cuz i know this will happen with anybody im with.

Edited September 22, 2010 by ANTHONYYAY

[GooseChaser]

Hello,

First of all im 21 years old and i have been with my girlfriend for 2years. i recently got in a big fight with my girlfriend because the whole time we have been together my mom has not liked her. i never saw this until today. i now realize that my mom does not want me with anybody. All i wanted was my mom and girlfriend to get along for me, but i know now that it will never happen with any girl im with. This caused a big fight between my mom and i and she told me that my girlfriend is controlling my life and i need to man up and tell her off. this is not true my mom is the one who is really controlling. My mom also lays really thick guilt trips on me if things are not done her way. My dad told me how controlling my mom is and i really understand that now. My bank account is under her name so she can see what i spend my money on. i just got my own phone plan and she freaked out. I dont know what to do because now im going to fight with my mom constantly cuz she doesnt want me with my girlfriend and she will tell me anything to get me to leave her. (i know this because my mom and sister fight all the time about the same thing). i dont want to fight with my mom but i dont know what is going to happen. Any advice? I cant move out now cuz im a senior in college and i only work 15 hours to pay for gas, and im not going to break up with my girlfriend cuz i know this will happen with anybody im with.

One thing you could do is go to the bank every once in a while and withdraw some cash. You can use that cash to make purchases that you want to keep private from your mom. Maybe she will see that you withdrew, but she won't know what you spent it on unless you give her your receipts.

[TaraMaiden]

You're 21. You're an adult.

What you do is, you go to the bank, you open a new account in YOUR name only, and transfer the money out of your mum's account and into yours. Either that, or you start paying into the new account and forget your mum's account, and never touch it again.

 

The only way to prevent a controlling person from controlling you, is to not permit them to control you, and take their control away.

 

Really, it's that simple. if you don't stand up to her now - this will go on for the rest of her life.

[stillafool]

Since you can't move out, change your bank account to include your name only. Save every dime you can towards moving out of your Mom's house. Do not tell her you are saving to move out. Call your gf and make up with her. Tell her you know that your Mom was the cause of the break up and you will never let her interfere in your relationship again. Try not to bring your gf over to your Mom's house while you are living there. Meet at other places. Never again tell your Mom what is going on between you and your gf. As a matter of fact don't tell her anything else about your personal life. Be nice to your Mom while you are living under her roof. Good luck!

[LoveAintEverything]

My mom was the same way and we eventually broke up for one of those reasons(but their were many more)....you need to get out of your moms place, you are 21....

[Dazzel]

I can see where this is a tough situation as you are only 21 and are likely not ready to leave the nest yet (and may not be for years to come). And staying in your mom's good graces is vital for this, but...

 

She is going WAY too far. She shouldn't make you put a bank account in her name. You are an adult, it's your business what you spend your money on. She shouldn't even feel inclined to be involved in that. And it's no business of hers who you date.

 

Sounds like she doesn't want to let go of her baby boy. She's got to someday, however.

[MinTea]

I know how you feel. It's very scary and stressful to be in this situation. I'm 23, recent college graduate, and I have a similar relationship with my Mother. I love her and am grateful for all the things she has done for me, but she has done a bit too much for me. Now I have no credit score because I was never allowed to have a credit card, and the fact that she could lock me out of my bank accounts scares me to death. She will hold fact that she has payed for my college over my head to bribe me and get what she want's from me (ex. an email password... ridiculous, I know).

 

My suggestion would be to get your father involved. Or you could get an aunt, uncle or other member of the family that is not afraid of her, yet she respects, to try to level with her. She may feel that she is being attacked (as my Mother is feeling right now), but it's impossible to make everyone happy. YOU need to secure your future and do what YOU feel will be best for your life in the long run... Your family should be able to offer advice without doing everything for you. Mothers can't protect us forever.

 

It'll take a lot of time but i'm sure your mother will come around when she sees that you can handle your own finances and haven't suddenly/mysteriously keeled over.

 

I'm trying to take baby steps in my situation too not shock my Mother too much (which she seems quite shocked at me already for some reason). But if you think it won't take very long to save up enough to move out... then perhaps you could push harder to get your mother out of your affairs than what I'm doing.

 

Praying for you, and good luck!

[shayan]

step up to your mom and talk to her tell what she is doing is wrong respectfully, you are an adult jeez guys don't be scared of your parents so what if they pay the rent that does not mean they own you. Talk to her offer to go to counseling or something for her control issues. Just be honest don't p***** foot around the situation.

[Goldfish101]

The first step would be like other posters are saying..open up your own bank account. Believe me.. someone told me this when I was 19 and did not listen!! It was until I was 23 did I realize how important it is.. It is an incredible thing when you are just worrying about your money and in control of it!